To the OWs/OMs...did you maintain contact after an NC was requested?

[Owl]

I'm curious, based off of some things I've seen in counseling, and some discussions with other people who have gone through an affair. So, to the OW/OMs out there...

 

1. When the affair was discovered, did your MM/MW send/request a no-contact agreement?

2. Did it stick?

3. If it didn't, who initiated/continued the contact, you, or the MM/MW?

4. Did you ever break off contact? When, in relation to the discovery?

5. If you didn't, what became of the situation?

 

Sorry to be nosy here, and not looking to judge. It just seems to me that I've seen a lot of cases where an affair was discovered, an NC was put in place, but it didn't work. In my case, it stuck after a while...I was insistent that my wife break everything off with the OM...but she was convinced that they would be able to "just remain friends". FINALLY, after about a month and a half, I got her to end the emails to him...she slipped up just four days later, and HE was the one to tell her to break it off.

 

It seems like it's all been broken off between them now for about 4 months...but of course my worry is that they could have simply found a way to continue communicating that I don't know yet. I don't think that's the case, but worry is NOT a rational thing.

[izzybelle]

my MM never really requested NC and he never has really said that he's not supposed to be in contact with me but i'm assuming he is. he is very rarely in touch any more but has periodically responded to specifc questions that i've asked. but he's also made it clear to me that he cannot be there for me the way i'd like, for emotional support, etc. although yesterday i got in a car accident and he was the first person i thought of and called pretty hyterical and he did call back to make sure i'm ok, etc.

 

most contact has been just friendly, i've known him for about 15 years. we've never really been completely out of touch and the discovery was back in april. i know he is trying to repair his marriage and have tried to keep my comments about that at a minimum although there were times in the past that my emotions got the better of me.

 

he has told me that it's ok to keep in touch but not as frequent as we used to. so, sometimes i think he'd like it if i stopped but other times that's not the message i'm getting. and in some ways, he is mostly NC but i'm not expected to be. so it's wallking that fine line for him. i have no longer have any intention of interferring with his marriage (not that that was my goal to begin with), i'm sure his wife wouldn't see it that way. it's a complicated situation and i won't go into details, but enough things have happened that i don't care what her wishes are (sorry i don't mean for that to sound cruel, but it's complicated) it's only his wishes that i'm concerned about.

 

don't know if that helps. if you have other ?s let me know.

[Owl]

Thanks Izzy. That is the kind of info I was looking for. I'm really curious how well the NC worked when one was put in place. Whether it was actually effective, or if it is usually ignored by both parties. One thing I have learned from both my wife and this board, is how addictive an affair relationship can be.

[izzybelle]

owl, no problem. from what i've read here, i think i may be more of the exception than the rule. and even though we're still in touch, on his part at least 90% of the "conversations" have been very platonic. he has at no point in time over the past few months really given me any indication that he has intentions, at this point, to continue or i suppose restart the A. i get an occasional "i miss you, too" but for the most part that's it.

izzy

[Owl]

Anyone else have any input here? I'm really curious about how effective (or not) the NC was for most people. Thanks!

[Mr Spock]

Originally posted by Owl

I'm curious, based off of some things I've seen in counseling, and some discussions with other people who have gone through an affair. So, to the OW/OMs out there...

 

1. When the affair was discovered, did your MM/MW send/request a no-contact agreement?

2. Did it stick?

3. If it didn't, who initiated/continued the contact, you, or the MM/MW?

4. Did you ever break off contact? When, in relation to the discovery?

5. If you didn't, what became of the situation?

 

Sorry to be nosy here, and not looking to judge. It just seems to me that I've seen a lot of cases where an affair was discovered, an NC was put in place, but it didn't work. In my case, it stuck after a while...I was insistent that my wife break everything off with the OM...but she was convinced that they would be able to "just remain friends". FINALLY, after about a month and a half, I got her to end the emails to him...she slipped up just four days later, and HE was the one to tell her to break it off.

 

It seems like it's all been broken off between them now for about 4 months...but of course my worry is that they could have simply found a way to continue communicating that I don't know yet. I don't think that's the case, but worry is NOT a rational thing.

 

Owl, you've done what you can. If they continue to correspond against your wishes, it's time to re-evaluate just how much you want this to work. So far, she's not-but an affair is a powerful thing, and there may be some relapses. All you CAN do is worry. So my advice is not to-just ask your wife to be as honest as she possibly can.

[VivianLee]

My affair was discovered the last of January. NC in an addictive relationship is the hardest thing in the world to do especially if both parties are highly addictive. I won't lie (my husband may read this) but the NC has been broken a lot of times (it doesn't mean I love that person or want to even be with them) but it's just a part of the addiction that is hard to break. My relationship was mostly of a communication affair or emotional affair, if you will, so the addiction is talking to that person daily and when there have been slip ups, it's not a heart felt type of "I love you" thing, it's just talking to that person and wondering how they are, like you would a friend. EXCEPT my relationship with this "friend" has caused a world of hurt and trouble......

 

They say it takes 4 to 6 weeks to break a habit....think of it that way....I'm hoping I will be stronger once a year passes that I haven't been alone with this person. I try to stay strong in thinking that it's NOT WORTH hurting my daughter, husband, his wife and his daughter, going against God and hurting my family and friends.....but still despite all of that being at stake.....it's hard and there are stupid slip ups AND I hate that, I despise that I'm so weak and can be so selfish.....

 

I am happy when I stay strong though....my husband and daughter were gone ALL DAY yesterday and even though I looked at the phone, I didn't dare go there. If it stays in my mind or remains a temptation, I am going to have to do more things that get me out of the house. I really, really want to break ever aspect of this addiction.

 

That's why I wish I'd never got into this relationship in the first place, I knew the hurt and pain it would cause people, that's a given (I'm awful I know) but the addictive part of it is HORRIBLE too, I've never been addicted to anything in my life and it's the hardest thing I've done. Now I see why people that are addicted to substances that could kill them or damage them continue no matter what and are so selfish. Addictions make you a very, very selfish, cold person....

 

I'm sorry for the rant, I just want to be free of this, completely free!!

 

I've been wanting to discuss this with y'all but since I have a keylogger on my computer and my husband reads this, I was afraid to but I think it's time I faced this and get some support!!

[Owl]

Vivian- It sounds like you've gone through a VERY similar situation as my wife. I know that there has been some temptation on her part to resume contact with him, and its been for exactly the same kind of reasons as you've described. More of the contact that you would expect "friend to friend" than anything else...and I've been adamant that she should not resume any kind of contact with him at all. I can understand how addictive that relationship can be, and that is why I've insisted on the NC remaining in place.

 

Her relationship with the OM was much like what you described...emotional and communication. She never met him in person...their communication was predomintantly via internet chats, with some phone calls there towards the end. When I confronted her about it, she told me that it had been growing over about 5 months, and had gotten serious over the last 2-3 months...when I went back and reviewed phone records and started looking at dates, she was astounded to find that they had only been in the "I love you" part of it for about 6 weeks. And it had really taken a serious turn just at the time that I logged her chats. They had reached the planning point, where she had asked me how I would feel if [the OM] could meet us at a trip we'd been planning. This was before the discovery, but when I was really starting to suspect what was going on.

 

My wife too had known how hurt I was going to be when I found out about what was going on (they'd discussed it in the chats that I had logged!), but still didn't want to give up what she'd had with the OM. They had even discussed what it was going to take for them to keep this concealed for a couple of years, as she didn't want to leave until the kids were finished with school! He knew at the time that they were getting close to getting caught, and they'd managed to have some discussion on keeping in touch when it was all discovered...which is a large basis for my doubts now.

 

I really hope that your husband does read this...and that he understands where you're coming from, and recognizes how hard you are working to rebuild the marriage you two have. When my wife had the final slip on the NC with her OM, it was the night of her birthday, the day after father's day. She'd sent him a father's day card...and he'd replied asking her to remove him from her email lists. She felt horrible...for having emailed him, and making him feel bad...for having broken her promise to me...for having failed herself too. When she came to bed that nite, I knew something was wrong...it took 20 minutes, but she finally broke down and told me what happened. Rather than get angry, I thanked her for finally being honest with me. She cried, and I held her until she fell asleep. I was hurt...dont' take me wrong. But I did try to see it from her viewpoint.

 

She says that the contact has remained broken off since then. I do occasionally check her email and chats, but have come to the realization that if hey want to continue, I'm likely not to catch them a second time. And I do believe her now when she says that she doesn't want that anymore, because we've made some serious, positive changes in our relationship. I'm the one who's online for her now during the day if she needs someone to talk to. She calls me if she needs some love. I just wish I could speed up the healing process for me now.

[VivianLee]

Originally posted by Owl

Vivian- It sounds like you've gone through a VERY similar situation as my wife. I know that there has been some temptation on her part to resume contact with him, and its been for exactly the same kind of reasons as you've described. More of the contact that you would expect "friend to friend" than anything else...and I've been adamant that she should not resume any kind of contact with him at all. I can understand how addictive that relationship can be, and that is why I've insisted on the NC remaining in place.

 

Her relationship with the OM was much like what you described...emotional and communication. She never met him in person...their communication was predomintantly via internet chats, with some phone calls there towards the end. When I confronted her about it, she told me that it had been growing over about 5 months, and had gotten serious over the last 2-3 months...when I went back and reviewed phone records and started looking at dates, she was astounded to find that they had only been in the "I love you" part of it for about 6 weeks. And it had really taken a serious turn just at the time that I logged her chats. They had reached the planning point, where she had asked me how I would feel if [the OM] could meet us at a trip we'd been planning. This was before the discovery, but when I was really starting to suspect what was going on.

 

My wife too had known how hurt I was going to be when I found out about what was going on (they'd discussed it in the chats that I had logged!), but still didn't want to give up what she'd had with the OM. They had even discussed what it was going to take for them to keep this concealed for a couple of years, as she didn't want to leave until the kids were finished with school! He knew at the time that they were getting close to getting caught, and they'd managed to have some discussion on keeping in touch when it was all discovered...which is a large basis for my doubts now.

 

I really hope that your husband does read this...and that he understands where you're coming from, and recognizes how hard you are working to rebuild the marriage you two have. When my wife had the final slip on the NC with her OM, it was the night of her birthday, the day after father's day. She'd sent him a father's day card...and he'd replied asking her to remove him from her email lists. She felt horrible...for having emailed him, and making him feel bad...for having broken her promise to me...for having failed herself too. When she came to bed that nite, I knew something was wrong...it took 20 minutes, but she finally broke down and told me what happened. Rather than get angry, I thanked her for finally being honest with me. She cried, and I held her until she fell asleep. I was hurt...dont' take me wrong. But I did try to see it from her viewpoint.

 

She says that the contact has remained broken off since then. I do occasionally check her email and chats, but have come to the realization that if hey want to continue, I'm likely not to catch them a second time. And I do believe her now when she says that she doesn't want that anymore, because we've made some serious, positive changes in our relationship. I'm the one who's online for her now during the day if she needs someone to talk to. She calls me if she needs some love. I just wish I could speed up the healing process for me now.

 

Owl,

I'm truly in awe and humbled at your understanding towards your wife and even my situation. You are a very special person and I truly hope things work out and that your wife can break this addiction. One thing in her (and your) favor is that the OM doesn't want her to contact him. That helps alot!

 

In my situation the OM has had as hard of a time with the NC and addiction as I had so it made it difficult for the both of us because we were both willing. However, he doesn't want to hurt his wife or his daughter nor does he want to leave his marriage for me and I feel the same way. That is why I don't feel this is a hopeless situation. Because neither of us are naive enough to think we should or could be together nor really want to be together.

 

I don't think your wife really has any deep love or feelings for this OM, even when she was telling him so, she truthfully wasn't meaning it. It's all part of the drama and passion that a person feels in the affair. Just like a soap opera can be addictive to women (and some men) so can this type of affair. In fact, emotional could be more addictive because since a sexual act has never occured, the person can almost talk themselves into it not being such a bad thing.

 

Another example of this (emotional affair) being a strong friendship (albeit a messed up one)....I had a friend (female) that I talked to twice a day when our kids were young. We had everything it the world in common and we helped each other deal with being stay at home moms, having school age children and many other things. If my husband had told me that I couldn't talk to her anymore, I would have been devastated, I would have gone through withdrawals and would have no doubt broken the NC that he told me to keep.....

 

Although this situation is between a man and woman, a certain amount of lust is there.....when it ends, if the cheating spouse is truly in love with their spouse, they won't miss the OM/OW because of love, it's because they became dependent, addicted and used to them being there.....

 

I could never see myself married to my OM. I will never understand fully why I was attracted to him being that he's the direct opposite of my husband.

 

My biggest plea is for people just to try and NOT GO THERE in the first place....then you won't have the domino effect of hurting many, many people or having to deal with the baggage that comes with being involved with someone that you shouldn't...

 

Hang in there Owl, it will take time but I don't think it's a loss cause nor that you will always hurt! Do what you are doing, being there for her on the internet and such, she's like me, she's very blessed to have a spouse that understands and cares to help her out of this mess...

[Owl]

Thanks Vivian. Your support and advice do mean a lot. And I have to say that I'm not that special. When I found out, I reacted nearly as badly as you can imagine. When she told me that he'd bought her tickets and she was packing to go to the motel, I was so hurt and angry that you couldn't imagine. I took our back fence out with my hands and feet. I completely destroyed the gas grill she gave me a few years ago...not to mention about a million little knick-knacks and such that got in my way. One thing I appreciated afterwards tho...even while I was destroying all this stuff with her right there, she never felt threatened. It never occurred to her that I would hit/hurt her. The OM was worried about it, but she told him that it would never happen. And she was right. Now she DID call him and warn him in case I went after him...which she was totally right to do. I was hurt and angry when she told me that she had done so...but she was right to do so. I did seriously consider it, and would have succeeded had I decided to go after him.

 

There are things I said and did then that I wish I could take back. I'm not anything special. But the love that we had for 17 years prior to this WAS and IS something special...and worth fighting for. And I've always tried to be the one who was able to do what had to be done, regardless of feelings. In some ways, it helped us to heal when I could ignore how I was feeling, and help her deal with her own issues and emotions.

 

Good luck in working through your issues as well friend. I do hope that you and your husband can sit and discuss what you're going through...and that he can help you in dealing with it, just like you are hopefully helping him in dealing with his aspects of this. THAT is what gets couples through the mess. IMO, anyway.

[izzybelle]

you must really have a strong connection to your wife 'cause i gotta tell you, if my ex had gone that ballistic, i would have been out the door faster than you could have said goodbye, and i never would have looked back.

 

so credit to your wife for staying. do you think they'll be in touch again or do you really think it's over. i always have to wonder about that in situations like yours. i know you work hard to rebuild the trust and forgiveness and everything but in 5 years if she starts acting differently will you immediately jump to the conclusion that she's found someone, or if you walk in the room and she quickly minimizes or closes the computer screen for what could be no reason other that it's a message from another friend..... will you be suspicious? i guess i just always wonder how you can get that trust back and how you'd be able to keep it from rearing it's ugly little head 5-10-15 years from now whenever something doesn't feel quite right.....

 

haven't been there (exactly) so i don't know, exactly how you feel through all of this. it just seems like a mighty high mountain to climb only to possible fall back down the other side. sure the view from the top is spectacular but.... guess i'm just a bit of a pessimist when it comes to marriage.....

[Owl]

Originally posted by izzybelle

you must really have a strong connection to your wife 'cause i gotta tell you, if my ex had gone that ballistic, i would have been out the door faster than you could have said goodbye, and i never would have looked back.

 

Well, we had an awesome marriage up until the last year or year and a half, so that probably helped. Plus, while we've had the occasional dispute or argument ( what marriage hasn't?), she has always known that I would never harm her or the kids. She really wasn't in any danger, even when I was that mad at her. She knew that.

 

so credit to your wife for staying. do you think they'll be in touch again or do you really think it's over. i always have to wonder about that in situations like yours. i know you work hard to rebuild the trust and forgiveness and everything but in 5 years if she starts acting differently will you immediately jump to the conclusion that she's found someone, or if you walk in the room and she quickly minimizes or closes the computer screen for what could be no reason other that it's a message from another friend..... will you be suspicious? i guess i just always wonder how you can get that trust back and how you'd be able to keep it from rearing it's ugly little head 5-10-15 years from now whenever something doesn't feel quite right.....

 

haven't been there (exactly) so i don't know, exactly how you feel through all of this. it just seems like a mighty high mountain to climb only to possible fall back down the other side. sure the view from the top is spectacular but.... guess i'm just a bit of a pessimist when it comes to marriage.....

 

I totally understand your concerns...and those concerns are partly why I started this thread to begin with. I don't think she'll be in touch with him again...but if I wasn't worried about it, why would I talk about it here?

 

Would I be suspicious if she closed a chat window as soon as I walked in a room...hell yes!! Would I ask her to see it...hell yes. THAT is exactly what made me realize that there was a major problem between us...when she started hiding things from me. That should not be the case in a marriage. She's welcome to ready any email, chat, voice conversation, or anything else I do with anyone, because I don't hide things from her. She's welcome to come read these posts (but she's chosen not to). If she were to start hiding things again, yes, I would be worried that there was a problem...and it would be up to her to show me that there wasn't one. If she changed for no apparent reason, yes I'd be concerned. Yes, I would want to know the reason for the change. What loving, caring husband wouldn't???

 

The only way to keep it from rearing its ugly little head again?? Be totally open and honest from now on. If it does rear its head, nip it off before it groes into something out of an aliens movie. And don't put yourself into a position where you'll be tempted to cross the line again. I do worry that something like this might happen again...but that's a risk I would take with ANY relationship, yes? She is the only woman I want. She's worth the risk. Will our relationship be what it was before this...probably not. I probably shouldn't have trusted her as much as I had to begin with...if I hadn't, it would never have gotten this far. Thoughts?

[Joyce]

I have remained N/C with my OM. I did send a goodbye email to him after I told my H about the affair. He has left me alone. My H and him met after the affair was out in the open and I am pretty sure my H told him to never contact me again.

 

It is extremely hard. I live next door to the OM. I see him all the time. In fact this morning I pulled out of the driveway and he ended up behind me. It brought back so many feelings. I was so sad. I couldn't control the tears that streamed down my checks. I was not sad wanting him back but I was sad for all the pain I have caused everyone. I wish so bad that I could erase the past. I have dreams that I sneak into the OM truck and shoot myself. I think I have those dreams because it's so hard to find closure from it all when I see him in his truck all the time. My H is having a hard time living next to him too. I can't even image how he feels. We would love to move but we need to fix up our home a little before we can put it up for sale.

 

Owl your story reminds me so much of mine (except I was the one that had the affair). My H is just as loving as you are. I admire people that can forgive and still love someone after making a mistake.

[VivianLee]

Owl,

The way you reacted to your wife wasn't evil or violent as much as it was normal and probably good for you to get it out and let her see the pain, hurt and anger you caused. You would have lost your mind had you held it all in. You didn't hurt her so you didn't do anything wrong!!

 

Talking about the e-mail and instant message windows. I try to make sure I let my husband have full viewing access to my instant messages. If I'm talking to a male friend, I'll either make the screen larger so he can see it or even have him sit down and talk to my friend and tell him "bye" for me. I try to NEVER talk to anyone else online when I can talk to him and spend time with him when he's home. I also do the same for my daughter because she has trust issues also. Even though I've had my set backs with the OM, I am NOT going into that direction with any other man I come in contact with, that makes me feel strong and proud of myself and I feel less of a failure and trash when I show self-control around other men.

 

My husband's affair was mostly on the computer and cellphone, I have just finally gotten to where I don't cringe at the thought of him being on the computer or phone. Time does heal! It really does!!

 

Joyce,

I can't imagine the agony it is for you and your husband to live beside your other man!! I think Owl's wife and we are so very blessed to have husband's that love us enough to understand.....of course my husband has been in my shoes so he has an even clearer idea of my situation....

 

Both of you take care!

Viv

[Joyce]

Thanks Viv we are lucky

 

I probably shouldn't have trusted her as much as I had to begin with...if I hadn't, it would never have gotten this far. Thoughts?

 

Before any of this happened you never had a reason to not trust her. Don't blame yourself for this. It's not your fault. From now on you will probably always question her.. you have a reason to have suspicion. She has her work cut out for her in proving her love and trying to gain trust again. I'm sorry that you have endured this much pain and agony.

[Owl]

Joyce- I really can't imagine how difficult it must be for you and your husband in the circumstances you've described. It seems to me it would make it much harder to heal, with having the OM present every day. Kinda like scratching at a scab...it never gets a chance to heal. I know that if I were in a similar situation, I'd be going crazy trying to find a way to get clear of that...I'd probably find a way to move, even if it meant a loss of money or whatever.

 

It's hard enough for me to go to work a lot of times, knowing that my wife could be IMing, calling, emailing, etc...with the OM. I do have to trust her, and I do, but the worry is always still there. For every way I can think of that I could monitor to make sure that nothing like that is happening, I can think of three ways around it. Hence, I've mostly quit trying to check up on her. And again, that's why I posted this thread...trying to get a feel for how often the NC seems to stick, and how often it seems to fail. And, what happens when it does fail.

 

Both of you, Joyce and Viv, sound like women with rare character. You've made a mistake, you regret it, you're working hard to rebuild what you've lost. I can imagine its not that easy...I know its not for my wife. Good luck to you both!!!

[Joyce]

Owl,

 

I know it will take a long time and a lot of work to make my marriage work and to try to gain what my H and I once had. I have tried very hard to make sure my H knows what I am doing and who I am with at all times. I call him from work all the time so that he knows I am at work. I know in the back of his mind he still questions me and he should. I need to earn trust again and prove myself. I just try to ease those thoughts as much as I can. I make it a point to constantly tell him I love him.. I cuddle as much as I can. I do everything that I stopped doing in the duration of my affair. I just wondered if you had any suggestions of anything I can do to help his worries? Is there anything that your wife does that really helps? I know it won't stop the thoughts I really just want to help him as much as I can.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Joyce

Owl,

 

I know it will take a long time and a lot of work to make my marriage work and to try to gain what my H and I once had. I have tried very hard to make sure my H knows what I am doing and who I am with at all times. I call him from work all the time so that he knows I am at work. I know in the back of his mind he still questions me and he should. I need to earn trust again and prove myself. I just try to ease those thoughts as much as I can. I make it a point to constantly tell him I love him.. I cuddle as much as I can. I do everything that I stopped doing in the duration of my affair. I just wondered if you had any suggestions of anything I can do to help his worries? Is there anything that your wife does that really helps? I know it won't stop the thoughts I really just want to help him as much as I can.

 

 

Think you could come give lessons to my wife???

 

Sorry, you're doing a lot more than I think she is in working on our relationship. We're doing pretty good, but a lot of the time I get kinda wrapped in the fact that it still feels like I'm doing most of the work in getting past this. She's long since been in the "its in the past" mode, and can't understand why I'm not past it yet. She is pretty much unable to really understand the pain she caused, and its just easier to work on dealing with things myself a lot of times.

 

But I can tell you the things that I wish she would do, that I truly think would help me. These may or may not apply in your case, but take a look, and consider discussing them with your husband to see what he feels might be helpful.

 

1. Answer his questions. Don't let the affair become a taboo subject in your home. While it will undoubtedly hurt him to hear some of the answers, and you should try to be political in how you answer, be honest and truthful. In my case, its the deception that I'm dealing with the most. Sometimes when I can get her to talk about it, it makes me feel like "well at least she's being honest with me now!". And I do feel better after we've talked about things. Don't let it be an all day/every day event, but be willing to help him understand what happened, why it happened, what led to it, etc...

 

2. Be accountable to him...and let him be accountable to you. You're already doing this...so I'm sure you see the value in it.

 

3. Let him know what it is about HIM that you love. Let him know WHY you love him, why you're with him, why you'll not do it again. If he is once again you're "one and only" (and I sense he is from your posts), MAKE him feel that. My wife doesn't do well communicating this kind of thing...oddly enough, I'm much better at it than she is. So this is definitely something I wish she could understand a little better myself.

 

4. Do the little things that mean a lot to him...bring him coffee/tea, etc... if you think he needs it. My wife has definitely done a lot of this more recently, and it's something that I appreciate a lot. I do it for her as a way to show her I love her as well.

 

5. Small touches. Nothing sexual. Just reach out and put your hand on his shoulder, his hand, his face. Show that you are sharing with him how you feel, unasked for. The message this sends is huge.

 

 

Just a few thoughts. I'd have no objections to anyone posting more ideas on this thread if they like!!!

[whichwayisup]

Bring him home some flowers. People think only women love flowers, but it goes both ways.

 

Owl I agree with you with the little touches...It's nice to be wanted, touched and just plain hugged for no reason.

[Joyce]

Thank you for the advice. I try to understand the pain he feels and try to do the best I can to help. My biggest worry with him is holding it all in. He refuses counseling. The affair is a taboo subject. I offered to answer any questions but he hasn't had any. He is the type of person that holds everything in. He thinks it unmanly to be sad or cry. I wish I could get him to open up and talk about it. I hate to bring up the A subject because I feel like I am just reminding him of the pain I caused.

 

I do need to tell him more the reasons why I love him. I tell him all the time that I love him but I don't tell him why. I also always thank him for loving me. I used to buy cards and write letters to him. I think I will get one and write him a letter telling him why I love him and tell him how much I admire him.

 

Thank you for the suggestions guys.

[Owl]

Joyce-

I can absolutely understand your concern. If he's not willing to go to counseling, nor is he doing anything to work through this, you have some good reasons to be worried. He may very well be someone who is capable of internalizing something like this and handling it, I don't know him at all. But I do wish the both of you the best of luck in working through this!!

[Joyce]

Thank you Owl. I wish you the best too. Have you tried telling your wife the things you wish she would do? That's too bad that it's easier for you to work on things yourself. I know you said things have gotten better but she needs to understand that this is going to take a long time and she needs to help you any way she can for as long as it takes.

[Owl]

Originally posted by Joyce

Thank you Owl. I wish you the best too. Have you tried telling your wife the things you wish she would do? That's too bad that it's easier for you to work on things yourself. I know you said things have gotten better but she needs to understand that this is going to take a long time and she needs to help you any way she can for as long as it takes.

 

 

Yeah, I've tried explaining it to her. Sadly, she was raised believing that it's the man's job to take care of the woman...which I've never had a major problem with until now. Our counselor has done a good job of remaining nuetral in our sessions, which is what the wife really needed, since our first counselor really made her feel horrible about the whole thing. The downside is, my wife doesn't seem to feel she has a lot of responsibility in healing me... She's responsible for what she did, she admits that she was wrong, and truly regrets what happened, and I do believe that she'll not let herself get into this kind of situation again. But when it comes to how I'm feeling now, its up to me to deal with.

 

I think in some way its my fault as well...I fought hard to keep her from leaving, and I don't think she's ever felt like I wouldn't be there for her. So even now, I don't think she's got any fear that I can't get over it, or that I might leave her if things don't get better. I'm not threatening to, I'm just saying I guess she doesn't have much motivation to make her want to take responsiblity for healing me.

 

Please don't take it that everything is lousy...that's really not the case. Today's been something of a down day...coming up on the six month anniversary of our D-day...the day I found out about what was going on. That combined with a few other things have made for Owl to be a depressing boy today.

[Joyce]

I am sorry you are having a bad day. I know not everything is lousy but I can understand how thing can be hard for you.

You will probably have a roller coaster of emotions for a long time. It's a little concerning to hear that your wife thinks it's your job to take care of her. It's takes two to make a relationship work. I hope she will learn to understand that you need more emotional support from her.

 

Please don't blame yourself. I would be crushed if my husband ever thought that. I think it's good that your wife knows that you will always be there. I now think the same about my H but at the same time I don't want to ever take advantage of that. If he hurts I want to be there helping him and I expect the same from him. I hope your wife will do the same with you.

 

Thanks again for talking with me. It's good to hear the other side of the story. It helps me to understand a little more of how my H feels.

 

I really do admire your strength. Hang in there.

[Owl]

Well Joyce...one thing I guess I do have to disagree with. I'm of the opinion that everyone involved in the "lover's triangle" of an affair has some responsibility. In my case, while I really feel like I did as much as I could, there were some things that my wife obviously felt were lacking in our relationship, or she wouldn't have done what she did. Looking back, I can say that I have her TOO MUCH room...I should have stepped in sooner. What I meant as trust and respect, she took as distance and a lack of caring. I tried doing things for her that would have made ME feel loved...but didn't really have that same affect on her.

 

Side note...today is the six month anniversary of my "d-day". The day I found out she was having the affair. While it's something of a downer, it is going a bit better too. Take a look at my post on the infedelity section if you're interested.