Never understood the one night stand

[GoodOnPaper]

But I don't think ONS are always about great sex and passion. I think they canbe about great horniness and release with whomever you can find willing at the time. People need physical contact, sexual release, and it is difficult to resist at the time, even if you later feel a bit icky about it.

 

I never seem to think about that aspect. Since I could never attract women for anything casual, in my head I have built up ONSs, FBs, and FWBs to be very wild, intense, physically primal experiences that I couldn't possibly have experienced in my relationships. But then again, if they are all that, then you'd expect more of them to turn into relationships . . .

 

Be careful, I might start thinking that being a "relationship guy" isn't as bad as I've always thought.

[MissBee]

I dont understand how the one night stand plays out. Both people meet at a bar or a club....they hang out, drink, talk....and then at some point one of them asks if they want to "come over to my place" or some other reference....that I get.

 

But what I dont get...is that both people know the consequences and risk of having sex that night....and then never hearing from the person again. But its awkward and out of line to bring it up. Its like both people are dancing a charade with the other. Or maybe one is putting on a charade and the other is actually interested....but its still not talked about.

 

Another thing I dont get....

 

If a guy meets a woman at his favorite night spot...and has a one night stand with her....knowing full well the whole time he's only having sex with her, then cutting all ties.....doesnt he think ahead of time that he may see her again in the same bar??

 

I just dont get how men and women blatantly falsify themselves to the other person like that......and it doesnt even concern them that they may run into them again. I dont even know how to present myself in that manner.....sitting there all night talking to a woman that I know I am lying to just to sleep with her....knowing I will ignore her after its over.

 

Why is it as easy as breathing for so many people to do this??

 

 

.

 

Don't know.

 

Never done that...don't plan on it.

 

I'm way too paranoid.

 

Plus for me, I love the lead up to sex, knowing you, having chemistry, feeling like teenagers when we hang out and touch without going all the way...until we do. So there is no appeal in drunken one night stands for me personally.

[ReadySettyGo]

I don't understand that, either. If a book isn't good enough to read twice, it isn't good enough to read once.

 

But I don't think ONS are always about great sex and passion. I think they canbe about great horniness and release with whomever you can find willing at the time. People need physical contact, sexual release, and it is difficult to resist at the time, even if you later feel a bit icky about it.

 

Perhaps a trashy magazine would be a better analogy. Fun to read once, but not again.

Edited August 12, 2013 by ReadySettyGo

[swenann991]

I dont understand how the one night stand plays out. Both people meet at a bar or a club....they hang out, drink, talk....and then at some point one of them asks if they want to "come over to my place" or some other reference....that I get.

 

But what I dont get...is that both people know the consequences and risk of having sex that night....and then never hearing from the person again. But its awkward and out of line to bring it up. Its like both people are dancing a charade with the other. Or maybe one is putting on a charade and the other is actually interested....but its still not talked about.

 

Another thing I dont get....

 

If a guy meets a woman at his favorite night spot...and has a one night stand with her....knowing full well the whole time he's only having sex with her, then cutting all ties.....doesnt he think ahead of time that he may see her again in the same bar??

 

I just dont get how men and women blatantly falsify themselves to the other person like that......and it doesnt even concern them that they may run into them again. I dont even know how to present myself in that manner.....sitting there all night talking to a woman that I know I am lying to just to sleep with her....knowing I will ignore her after its over.

 

Why is it as easy as breathing for so many people to do this??

 

 

.

 

Nothing so complicated there, one night stand is one night stand and that's it, and yes people maybe will meet again in same club or bar or somewhere else, but 'unwritten' rules says that you should respect other person privacy or in simple word: to ignore fact that you had sex. And if you see other person hooking with another guy , you don't need to 'react' or anything, it is her choice like you was night before, so that is not dating or any kind of relationship, it is just pleasure between 2 adult people without any obligations

[ASG]

Isn't this just code for "You aren't good looking or charismatic enough to attract someone in a strictly 'primal' sense?" Makes relationships sound very much like a consolation.

 

One thing I don't understand is -- even keeping relationship talk out it -- that given the high physical expectations for ONSs, if you have a ONS and like the sex, why don't you want to keep having sex with that person?

 

Sometimes you do. I've had plenty of ONS turn into FWB/FB or even into relationships.

 

But I always treat casual sex as a ONS. If we end up repeating the performance, it's a bonus.

[GoodOnPaper]

I don't want a woman who has had ONS's because I'm unable to get them and fact that she got them would remind me of my inadequacy.

 

It's a big compatibility factor. There are a lot of retroactive jealously threads on LS where the less experienced guy gets jumped on for being "judgmental" or "immature" toward the more experienced woman, but if it was me, I would be most judgmental about myself for not being able to attract ONS opportunities or, as the thread title says, not understanding ONSs. There is no reason to put yourself through that kind of stress by entering a relationship under those circumstances if you don't have to.

[fortyninethousand322]

You know, I do think that people who engage in ONS are often judgmental of people who don't, or I should say are not able to have ONS. It's a major compatibility issue.

 

Like "ew what's wrong with him?" or "he's going to want to sow his wild oats eventually" kind of attitude.

[xxoo]

Perhaps a trashy magazine would be a better analogy. Fun to read once, but not again.

 

 

That's probably a good analogy. I don't understand the appeal of trashy magazines, either.

[miss_jaclynrae]

ONS isn't just about sex.

It involves just having sex, but people are forgetting that people have ONS because the person they slept with they have no urge to get to know or befriend, or even date.

Sex can be good with lots of different people, if the guy has no interest in getting to know me though, it doesn't matter how good the sex was, because there is no way we would ever be together.

 

 

It is a primal attraction that brings two individuals to that point. A ONS isn't a true ONS unless you never talk or see that person [willingly] again.

[miss_jaclynrae]

You know, I do think that people who engage in ONS are often judgmental of people who don't, or I should say are not able to have ONS. It's a major compatibility issue.

 

Like "ew what's wrong with him?" or "he's going to want to sow his wild oats eventually" kind of attitude.

 

No. I am however defensive when people make blatant judgments about me based on my sexual history.

[Emilia]

You know, I do think that people who engage in ONS are often judgmental of people who don't, or I should say are not able to have ONS. It's a major compatibility issue.

 

Like "ew what's wrong with him?" or "he's going to want to sow his wild oats eventually" kind of attitude.

I think it's healthy for people to experiment because they get to know themselves better that way BUT that doesn't mean ONS at all. It just means dating different types of people, pushing their own boundaries, etc.

[miss_jaclynrae]

A ONS is more like a piece of junk mail.

[carhill]

OP, one potential analogy is to reflect upon all the interesting, exciting and fulfilling in the moment movies you've enjoyed in your lifetime. In the moment, you can be and are completely absorbed and walk out of the theater feeling not only entertained but uplifted by the art. That said, how many of those movies do you go back and view a second time? A third time? Ten times? As a percentage of total viewings, what do you think?

 

For some people, sex in the realm of ONS is just that.... a moment of being completely absorbed in an interesting, exciting and fulfilling activity; once completed, it becomes relegated to history; a fond memory which one has no interest nor proclivity to repeat in that theater. In another theater, perhaps.

[tbf]

I too don't understand the thrill of the ONS or casual sex in their entirety but it's up to other people to decide what cranks them.

 

For myself, sex is tied into emotional intimacy and bonding where orgasm begins and ends in my mind. But I will ask women who do enjoy ONSs and casual sex whether they do orgasm, every time. This isn't to be judgemental. It's to start people thinking down the pathway of what constitutes orgasm within their psyche.

[xxoo]

Does anyone seek ONS?

 

Or is it what people do when nothing better is available?

[Emilia]

Does anyone seek ONS?

 

Or is it what people do when nothing better is available?

I used to. I used to enjoy the randomness of it all and the impulsivity. Then grew out of it. I went through a few years of not looking for a relationship after my marriage broke down. It wasn't sawing wild oats, I just wanted something very very different and a bit crazy. completely living in the moment as carhill phrased it.

[Emilia]

I too don't understand the thrill of the ONS or casual sex in their entirety but it's up to other people to decide what cranks them.

 

For myself, sex is tied into emotional intimacy and bonding where orgasm begins and ends in my mind. But I will ask women who do enjoy ONSs and casual sex whether they do orgasm, every time. This isn't to be judgemental. It's to start people thinking down the pathway of what constitutes orgasm within their psyche.

No, not at all. Sometimes I used to be too under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs to be able to. Sometimes had great sex, sometimes not so. One of my best lovers ever is a guy I only slept with twice (started off as ONS but ended up TNS) - because he had just broken up with someone and I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship so I didn't date him. We clicked well though and he is great, would have been a heartbreak to date him though.

[tbf]

No, not at all. Sometimes I used to be too under the influence of alcohol and/or drugs to be able to. Sometimes had great sex, sometimes not so. One of my best lovers ever is a guy I only slept with twice (started off as ONS but ended up TNS) - because he had just broken up with someone and I knew he wasn't ready for a relationship so I didn't date him. We clicked well though and he is great, would have been a heartbreak to date him though.

Thanks for your honesty.

[fortyninethousand322]

No. I am however defensive when people make blatant judgments about me based on my sexual history.

 

Fair enough.

 

I do admit that I am judgmental in that way. A woman who has regularly engaged in casual sex (like more than once) is someone I'd probably view her history negatively.

 

But, that's why I won't ask about sexual history. Because I don't want to be judgmental. If I don't know, I won't care.

[tman666]

I've never had a ONS, though I've had opportunities to. The closest I've been was actually laying in this girl's bed, and basically just deciding to go home. I'm sure she was thinking "wtf???".

 

For me, it just gives me an icky feeling. I can't really put my finger on it. Someone earlier mentioned that it seems "cold and uncaring". This might be part of it. In my mind, the people involved in a one night stand are basically just using each other as masturbatory aides. I think I just have a hard time seeing other people in that light.

 

Then again, it's not like I don't check other people out or feel sexually charged up if I see a particularly nice specimen.

 

I disagree with the notion that someone's past is irrelevant. I think someone's past is extremely relevant in illuminating how they view themselves and others. I'm not saying that one method of thinking is better or worse then the other, but I do think they're incompatible.

[dichotomy]

What is the benefit that you see??

 

For one - I can see in very specific circumstances, sex all by itself, can be a healing act ...to certain loss, if both people are honest about it. But it is a difficult situation.

 

During one painful time, after my divorce, an old female friend visited me and offered to climb in to my bed, but I turned her down because I knew while she wanted to help heal me - she was hiding romantic interest for me as well. But if she had been just a good friend - no hidden motives for something more? It might have been helpful to me to get over my hurt and loss and feel sexually wanted again quicker than I did. A jump start if you will.... then again her offer was helpful and greatly appreciated …all by itself.

 

I have known and read that ONS or short term sexual only realtionships are very common after a long bad marriage ends. I see the benefit there.

 

I also see that many times people simply are not ready or want a relationship and can detach themselves from sex and emotion - it must be like getting a massage or having a nice workout with someone at the gym.

 

I am not like this – and I see the downsides - but as I am older now and tend to be able to see other people’s views easier.

[carhill]

I've never had a ONS, though I've had opportunities to.

 

Me neither, and I also have had opportunities over my lifetime which I've declined, as I prefer to and do confine sex to exclusive monogamous relationships. That said, I had substantial interaction with women who did believe in and enjoy ONS and casual sex and learned a lot from them. Most of the women I dated, where disclosed, including the one I married, were amongst that group. On that particular point of interpersonal relationships, we had differing views. It happens. Being with them and being open to understanding their POV helped broaden my horizons, even if I chose not to participate in the activity. It appears that the OP seeks understanding. Being open to it is the first step.

[Arabella]

I don't want a woman who has had ONS's because I'm unable to get them and fact that she got them would remind me of my inadequacy.

 

This is a nonsensical argument.

 

I get hit on by no less than a dozen guys any night I go to a club. I know they want sex, and some of them are attractive to me. I could have an ONS with one of them anytime I wanted... but I say no every time.

 

Why? Simply because I look down on men who do this, and would never want one for a long-term relationship. Therefore, I hold myself to the same standard I want in a partner.

 

I'm an Atheist, born and raised in the city, young (29), college educated professional, sexually adventurous, and been in relationships since 15. Not what you would call neither a religious prude, nor inexperienced. I just happen to like my sex within the confines of a relationship.

 

Though this particular mindset may be more common in women than men, I've met a fair number who feel the same way I do, some of which are in this forum.

[Arabella]

There goes your reasoning.

 

If you get hit on by so many men, you have enough options to be picky. I on the other hand never get hit on and when I try to hit on a woman it typically ends up with some swear words from her side. So yes, it is inadequacy.

 

That may be the case for you specifically, but my point is gender independent.

 

I have known attractive men who did not do casual sex for the same reasons as I, even though I am a woman. It's not necessarily about not being able to get them.

[Arabella]

And where exactly have I stated that my reasoning applies to all men?

 

I was merely using your post to expand the discussion with my own contribution that this not always the case, as many people think.

Edited August 24, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator