People that blame others have higher self-esteem

[Eternal Sunshine]

I know LS is big on holding yourself accountable but I read up few studies that show that it actually lowers your confidence.

 

Example:

 

I failed an exam.

High self-esteem person would think that it's professor's fault.

 

Even if that's not the "objective truth", objective truth is much less important than you may think. Your perception is your reality. So thinking things like "he doesn't fancy me therefore he must be gay" may actually be good for you.

[xpaperxcutx]

I thought the general consensus is that egotistic and narcissistic people are those who blame others and generally have higher self-esteems. Then again, you have the delusional ones that live in their own bubble and thus, do not take kindly to criticisms of any kind.

[sillyanswer]

Thinking that it's your professor's fault isn't going to help you pass the resit.

[Keenly]

I prefer to live in realityville than fantasyland.

[MrCastle]

That's how I see it. I mean I'm accountable in most situations, pretty much all situations except for dating. Dating is 50/50. People on here often make it seem like your successes and failures are 100% on you. It's not. Other people have a say in how good (or bad) you do.

 

Now, this is not a cop out by any means. Just reality.

 

You do the best you can to be the best person you can, but that won't exempt you from people that aren't attracted to you.

 

People need to keep that in the back of their mind. Sometimes it's not you, it's them.

 

Now, if you notice a pattern, as in, people are dumping you or rejecting you for the same thing over and over, you need to look at yourself.

[CptSaveAho]

People that blame others, have low self esteem.... victim rationale

 

nice try though

[hoping2heal]

I know LS is big on holding yourself accountable but I read up few studies that show that it actually lowers your confidence.

 

Example:

 

I failed an exam.

High self-esteem person would think that it's professor's fault.

 

Even if that's not the "objective truth", objective truth is much less important than you may think. Your perception is your reality. So thinking things like "he doesn't fancy me therefore he must be gay" may actually be good for you.

 

Eh, I think there is a difference between good and healthy self-esteem and self-esteem that makes you feel entitled and turns you into a narcissist with deluded thinking. I don't even know that level of thought is high self-esteem more than it is a defense mechanism

[Woggle]

They are egomaniacs who can never accept responsibility.

[nescafe1982]

People that blame others, have low self esteem.... victim rationale

 

This would be my perspective too. If everything in my world is someone else's doing, where's my agency? Where's my power?

 

Also, as a professor I can assure you that blaming the teacher is not a recipe for improving grades. And failing lots of classes without feeling empowered to turn it around could be a real self-esteem killer...

[nescafe1982]

Eh, I think there is a difference between good and healthy self-esteem and self-esteem that makes you feel entitled and turns you into a narcissist with deluded thinking. I don't even know that level of thought is high self-esteem more than it is a defense mechanism

 

And this +1. Taking charge and owning one's actions (including mistakes) is probably the best way to build self-esteem.

[MrCastle]

Question for those who would like to answer:

 

When you get dumped, is it always because of something you did? It's always your fault?

 

When someone gets cheated on, is it their fault for not being quality enough to not get cheated on?

 

Curious.

[Star Gazer]

I know LS is big on holding yourself accountable but I read up few studies that show that it actually lowers your confidence.

 

Example:

 

I failed an exam.

High self-esteem person would think that it's professor's fault.

 

I think you and these "studies" are confusing self-esteem with blame shifting and abject narcissism.

[GoodOnPaper]

I think you and these "studies" are confusing self-esteem with blame shifting and abject narcissism.

 

I agree. I've read that people with high self-esteem link specific setbacks to specific causes -- "I failed the test because I didn't study enough or I was feeling more distracted than I should have been, etc." -- while people with low self-esteem will link specific setbacks to GLOBAL qualities about themselves. "I failed the test because I am stupid, lazy, etc."

[ScreamingTrees]

Thinking things like "he doesn't fancy me therefore he must be gay" sounds more like self preservation than high self esteem. That, or an obnoxiously arrogant mindset.

[beautifulearth83]

Even if it works, it would only work temporarily, and you probably wouldn't keep a lot of friends. Going one step above that would be believing in yourself completely, which everybody has the ability to do, which is something beyond competition and comparison. It is coming into your true self, your potential. It's something that we all have.

[Nik1]

This is so true, it's not even funny... actually it's freakin hilarious if you think about it.

[Emilia]

Question for those who would like to answer:

 

When you get dumped, is it always because of something you did? It's always your fault?

I've only been dumped in on/off relationships where there was an unhealthy dynamic and one of us would call time on it then the other

 

We were both at fault for getting caught up in BS and dysfunction but neither of us did anything outrageous or offensive.

 

It was a reflection on me that it took a while to get untangled but it is also a reflection on me that it doesn't happen anymore. The same for the other person, he has sorted himself out too. I guess we both took responsibility for our side of the issue.

[SJC2008]

It's hard to find people who will own up and admit when they're wrong and quite frankly don't understand what is so hard about it. I pride myself in being able admit when I'm wrong. It doesn't mean I won't stand my ground and call someone out when I'm right though.

[Star Gazer]

Question for those who would like to answer:

 

When you get dumped, is it always because of something you did? It's always your fault?

 

Answer: Incompatibility. There's no "fault" there.

[MrCastle]

Question for those who would like to answer:

 

When you get dumped, is it always because of something you did? It's always your fault?

 

When someone gets cheated on, is it their fault for not being quality enough to not get cheated on?

 

Curious.

 

Nobody?

[thefooloftheyear]

Nobody?

 

In this age of accessibility and technology, it might be more of a case of GIGS than ahything else...Im old enough to say that you didnt see/hear of nearly the amount of cheating and dumping, than today...maybe the numbers are the same, just didnt seem as prevalent..

 

When I was a kid, only NASA had a computer.

 

All it takes is one FB "friend" request and away they go.....

 

Just a theory, I suppose..

 

TFY

[ThaWholigan]

Nobody?

Actually, technically it can be, although inadvertently.

 

You alluded to a point earlier in another thread that people project - and sometimes when it comes to cheating, it can be a situation that manifests from projection. The more you project your worry that your partner is straying, the more that person may start to think about straying or just leaving in general - thus pushing the partner towards the outcome you expected. In essence, it's possible that you could inadvertently socially engineer your partner's infidelity. I would speculate that it is fault from a "perceived" lack of quality in oneself rather than an inherently lack of quality.

 

When it comes to blame, we often stray from one extreme to another - we either blame ourselves unequivocally for all our wrongs, or we blame everything else and place things outside our control. Now, if one is truly understanding and seeing things from the POV of their objective self, then you will be able to understand that this is a grey area and that there will be times where it could be your mistake, or another person's mistake, or everybody's mistake - or nobody's mistake. Problems will arise in many different guises, and blame is not the most productive way to deal with them in any case - but in the event that blame comes into the picture, it's important to be objective about it. Accept the times when it is your fault, and if you don't struggle with holding yourself accountable yet do not know how to deal with others not doing the same, simply apply the same logic. Accept that people f*ck up occasionally. Once you do that, you will find it easier to deal with in your own way that benefits you, and if you wish it everyone around you.

[MrCastle]

In this age of accessibility and technology, it might be more of a case of GIGS than ahything else...Im old enough to say that you didnt see/hear of nearly the amount of cheating and dumping, than today...maybe the numbers are the same, just didnt seem as prevalent..

 

When I was a kid, only NASA had a computer.

 

All it takes is one FB "friend" request and away they go.....

 

Just a theory, I suppose..

 

TFY

 

No I agree but if someone chooses to cheat/leave you for someone better/leaves you for someone else period -- that would count as a dating loss right? An unsuccessful trist.

 

So is it wrong to say "my last boyfriend was a cheating a**hole, that's why I'm single."

 

Is that really "placing blame?" Or, is that not taking responsibility? What are you supposed to tell yourself? They cheated because you suck?

 

That's what I was getting at.

 

Just because you blame others doesn't necessarily make you insecure or immature. Sometimes it's them, not you.

[thefooloftheyear]

No I agree but if someone chooses to cheat/leave you for someone better/leaves you for someone else period -- that would count as a dating loss right? An unsuccessful trist.

 

So is it wrong to say "my last boyfriend was a cheating a**hole, that's why I'm single."

 

Is that really "placing blame?" Or, is that not taking responsibility? What are you supposed to tell yourself? They cheated because you suck?

 

That's what I was getting at.

 

Just because you blame others doesn't necessarily make you insecure or immature. Sometimes it's them, not you.

 

I see...Sorry for the misunderstanding...

 

the only thing I can add is that we now live in a society where NO ONE accepts personal responsibilty for anything...Its always someone else's fault,or the economy, the weather, the Pope...etc..

 

Why should it be any different in the scenarios you propose..?

 

Again, just a theory...

 

TFY

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

I know LS is big on holding yourself accountable but I read up few studies that show that it actually lowers your confidence.

 

Example:

 

I failed an exam.

High self-esteem person would think that it's professor's fault.

 

Even if that's not the "objective truth", objective truth is much less important than you may think. Your perception is your reality. So thinking things like "he doesn't fancy me therefore he must be gay" may actually be good for you.

 

Unfortunately, perception is not reality. Reality is reality.

 

The people with the highest self esteem are those that are able to objectively analyze when something is their fault and when it's the fault of another. And, if it is their fault, they adjust accordingly.