People that blame others have higher self-esteem

[MrCastle]

I see...Sorry for the misunderstanding...

 

the only thing I can add is that we now live in a society where NO ONE accepts personal responsibilty for anything...

 

Why should it be any different in the scenarios you propose..?

 

Again, just a theory...

 

TFY

 

I mean, in the event of an affair, there can be plenty of reasons, even some on the cheatee and not just the cheater. Maybe they were neglecting the relationship, putting work/friends before the relationship, not being there emotionally -- but sometimes it's just a case of one person not being loyal and doing something wrong. In which case I'm not sure how you're supposed to take responsibility for that. Or like in my earlier post, take responsibility for someone not being attracted to you.

 

Dating is 50% you, 50% them. Again, you can be the best person you can be, and still run into people who don't think you're their type. And won't date you because of it. I don't think that just because you call it what it is -- someone else not being attracted to you -- that you're directing blame elsewhere, or not being a mature person.

 

Not everything in life can be your fault. Some things are, some things aren't. I call it like I see it. When the girl messes up, I have no issue telling anyone who asks me what happened, what actually happened. If she messed up, I'd tell them.

[thefooloftheyear]

I mean, in the event of an affair, there can be plenty of reasons, even some on the cheatee and not just the cheater. Maybe they were neglecting the relationship, putting work/friends before the relationship, not being there emotionally -- but sometimes it's just a case of one person not being loyal and doing something wrong. In which case I'm not sure how you're supposed to take responsibility for that. Or like in my earlier post, take responsibility for someone not being attracted to you.

 

Dating is 50% you, 50% them. Again, you can be the best person you can be, and still run into people who don't think you're their type. And won't date you because of it. I don't think that just because you call it what it is -- someone else not being attracted to you -- that you're directing blame elsewhere, or not being a mature person.

 

Not everything in life can be your fault. Some things are, some things aren't. I call it like I see it. When the girl messes up, I have no issue telling anyone who asks me what happened, what actually happened. If she messed up, I'd tell them.

 

in many cases, two people can have completely different takes on a particular scenario...You can say she fcked up, she can say you are a jackass...Somewhere in the middle is probably where the truth lies..

 

No sense worrying about it, I suppose....(shrug)..

 

TFY

[Radu]

I know LS is big on holding yourself accountable but I read up few studies that show that it actually lowers your confidence.

 

Example:

 

I failed an exam.

High self-esteem person would think that it's professor's fault.

 

Even if that's not the "objective truth", objective truth is much less important than you may think. Your perception is your reality. So thinking things like "he doesn't fancy me therefore he must be gay" may actually be good for you.

 

Perception is reality, but it won't always be other ppl's reality.

Some ppl have a weak reality so they will buy into your version, while others won't.

 

Now, if that exam was in hard sciences, measurement of success is done in a very straightforward way.

Objective truth is the key here.

 

If an enginner believes that everything he does is gold, and he cannot fail under any circumstance, and the industrial installation he is hired to design fails, thereby killing a bunch of ppl in very very horrible ways because he refused to consider that he might have made a mistake, do you think his high self-esteem will keep him safe when he is brought to trial, sent to jail, made into a pauper by several civil lawsuits ?

 

Objective truth is quite unimportant in the land of the politicians and cult leaders, over there what you believe [no matter how ga-ga] will become real if you get others to believe.

[GravityMan]

I think there's a difference between...

 

1) a person who takes responsibility for his or her own actions and screwups

 

...and...

 

2) a person who beats himself up whenever he messes up.

 

The first person is likely to admit fault, take steps to rectify the problem if it's still outstanding, learn from his screwup if possible, and quickly turn the page and put the whole thing behind him. He is also likely to stay rational when something goes wrong and determine whether it is his fault, another person's fault, multiple people's fault, or nobody's fault (sometimes, s**t just happens). Even if it's someone else's fault, he understands that sometimes it is best to simply let it go or focus on resolving the problem, instead of pointing fingers. Pointing fingers often just makes matters worse. He stays in control of his emotions, and seldom throws other people under the bus. People like this tend to have pretty good self-esteem.

 

The second person is likely to have his screwup gnaw at him and let it linger. He gets too emotionally invested and worked up over it. The risk of lashing out or an outburst is elevated. He has a tendency to make a bigger deal out of the issue than it really is, and (due to self-doubt) is unlikely to dust himself off, make adjustments and - if possible - try again. He doesn't handle criticism (even constructive criticism) well. People like this tend to be very insecure, and may have trouble maintaining friendships and relationships with others.

 

People who blame others all the time and never take responsibility may have "high self-esteem" - in the sense that they have a ridiculously inflated sense of self-worth. But they are also usually egotistical, arrogant and they lack genuine confidence. Part of confidence is being able and willing to admit when you did something wrong, deal with it and let it roll off your back...and another part of it is being able to accept criticism without flying off the handle and adjusting if feasible. In other words, they are secure with themselves, including their shortcomings and when something goes wrong or doesn't work out favorably. This doesn't mean that they are content with their shortcomings, though.

[hppr]

This is so true, it's not even funny... actually it's freakin hilarious if you think about it.

 

Yeah it jives with my experience. It's all about protecting your ego so that when you take a risk and fail...it's because of someone else' lack of effort or mistakes, not yours.

[ScreamingTrees]

I think it depends on how a relationship ends.

 

You can blame a person for willingly becoming involved and invested in something and then jeopardizing it by their willingness to sabotage things on their end. The incompatibility is just a nice way of saying that one person had no morals/was not dependable/trust-worthy/mature/etc..

[Phoe]

I think self-esteem is EXTREMELY subjective.

 

It's been suggested to me often on this website that my self-esteem seems low. I don't agree with this at all.

 

 

I consider myself realistic and rational. I hold myself accountable in almost any situation and strive to do the best I can with what's available, whether it be a lot or a little.

 

 

Having something that is "beneficial" won't inflate my sense of self any more than having something that is "not beneficial" will decrease my sense of self.

 

 

It's all about being realistic about expectations, for me at least.

[Phoe]

Question for those who would like to answer:

 

When you get dumped, is it always because of something you did? It's always your fault?

 

When someone gets cheated on, is it their fault for not being quality enough to not get cheated on?

 

Curious.

 

When I think about it, it's easy to find a reason why I wasn't good enough. Why I might've failed at making that person happy enough, something I may have failed to see. When I got cheated on I wondered if I could've done anything to prevent it.

 

 

In the end even if I might hold myself "accountable" in the sense that I did not make that person happy, there is NOTHING more I could've done. I did my best. Failure to make him happy doesn't lower my self worth. It was just a bad match-up.

 

 

It might do a slight number on my self-esteem during the period of time when I'm healing from it, but once I'm back to normal, my self-esteem and sense of self is right where it always was.

[Treasa]

Example:

 

I failed an exam.

High self-esteem person would think that it's professor's fault.

 

 

I have pretty damn high self-esteem, and this would be my thought process:

 

Assuming I did try my hardest: "I failed the exam. I wonder where I went wrong? I'll talk to the professor to see where I messed up. There's probably just something I'm not grasping. Hmm, what do I want for lunch?"

 

Assuming I blew it off: "I failed the exam. I saw that coming, as I wasn't very prepared. Next time I'll have to do better so I don't waste my money or time. Hmm, what do I want to have for lunch?"

 

You can be accountable without hating yourself or letting it ding your self-esteem.

 

The only time I "blame" anything on anyone else is if, by some miracle, they don't like me. Then (and this is assuming they've made it CLEAR they don't like me and I'm not just going off a random perception, and assuming I haven't done anything wrong) I think, "Meh, their loss." And then I wonder what's for lunch.

 

If I've done something wrong, I usually know about it right away, and I will apologize for it. No one's perfect. I don't expect others to be, and I don't expect myself to be.

[M30USA]

Your point is consistent with the recent educational research which has definitely established the bullies have higher self-esteem than their average peer. This was a shocker because the previous belief was that bullies had lower self-esteem and merely acted out in attempt to increase their self-esteem. What a shock. Too bad this information is still not accepted by academia, nor will it have any practical effect on educational policy. But who says truth ever mattered in the first place? We all know agendas trump the truth.

[littlejaz]

I mean, in the event of an affair, there can be plenty of reasons, even some on the cheatee and not just the cheater. Maybe they were neglecting the relationship, putting work/friends before the relationship, not being there emotionally

 

I don't believe that is ever true. Cheating is always the cheaters fault. If your relationship is so bad that you want to cheat, then have the decency to get out of the relationship first. End one before you start another.

 

Of course, I may be a bit jaded since I am going through a divorce with a cheater.

[mea_M]

I prefer to live in realityville than fantasyland.

 

I hear you. I also believe many just can't handle the truth.

[Jasper123]

Self Esteem is a big bug bear of mine, its a big problem in the world today, so many people are brought up lacking it, due to family, friends, school, many reasons.

 

I found this test, I found my results surprising, maybe try it.

 

Welcome To The Rosenberg Self Esteem Scale -Take The Test! | LifeDaily

[MarvinWilliam1]

Very useful information thanks for sharing friends.

[Shepp]

id flip it -

id say I have a high enough self esteem to be able to blame myself for things without worrying about losing face or lowering my confidence.

People with a low self esteem blame others cause there protecting the little confidence they've got.

 

Im my own biggest critic. Even football theres 10 other lads on the pitch but ill run through every move I made in my head and think about changes I could of done to affect the outcome.....some people wold hate to live like that but truth is im just competitive - I want to be the best and the only way to do that is improve and you can only improve by working out where your going wrong.

 

I believe you've gotta take your life into your own hands - id always rather be flying the plane than sitting in the passenger seat.