How to protect yourself from becoming the OW

[maidai]

In the event the chance arose. I posted this in another area and then realised I was probably in the wrong place.

 

My partner of 18 months has just returned to his wife. Background information because I suppose its relevant. They had already been split for 2 years when we got together they had a very abusive 7 years together 1 child. Lots of controlling involved and insecurity on her side possibly from her own guilt because she cheated definately 2 possibly 3 times each time blaming him for lack of attention etc. He was not allowed to network, she isolated him from his family he didnt see them for 2 years before the relationship ended, stopped him seeing his other children, belittled him and constantly run down his self esteem. The long and short it ended up in him having a breakdown and family and friends helping to get him out he was taking anti depressants for the last 2 years of the marriage which we managed to finally sort and he was well enough to cut them free 6 months ago.

 

In the beginning when we met it was tough, he was quite emotionally shut down and struggled to show his feelings. His self esteem was so low and he was terrified of being hurt again. We fought through it and have had a fabulous time doing more together than we have ever done before with ex partners we never stopped laughing and having fun, let each other enjoy friend and family time alone etc aswell as together.

 

On Friday their divorce went to court they got their decree nisi. Friday afternoon we spent the afternoon together in the sun with his child happy hand in hand etc all normal. He returned his child back to his wife on Friday evening and then bam... We were supposed to have spent the evening together but he rung to say he felt ill and was going home instead. He did go home and I spoke to him later in the evening to ask if the situation with the divorce had caused him to feel so unwell and he said no, it had not been his best day but he did genuinally feel poorly. I knew instantly something was wrong but appreciated that divorce is tough no matter how long you have been split you would have to have a heart of lead not to feel it. Saturday I told him we needed to talk as he was still not himself and he again re itterated nothing was wrong. I could tell he was not telling the truth so told him I would go out with girlfriends that night and we would have to think if he could not be truthful where we went from here. I had no idea what was going on when I had no contact from him for two days and just thought he needed time to be willing to talk to me. Two days later I got a nasty text saying he was back with his wife and the tone it was written in I dont believe it was him.

 

Since then I have cut contact. His family are lovely and we get on really well and they know he had never been or seemed more happy and content and are currently perplexed as to why he would give a relaxed relationship up to go back to what was in effect miserable. As much as I like them and will miss them I have also said that I feel we should have no contact and have explained my reasons to them. They are totally understanding. I have deleted numbers, texts, conversations everything so that I dont re read and do the what ifs and if onlys etc because I felt that was the most sensible thing to do and torturing myself was futile and damaging and I already am probably going to be damaged from this.

 

At first I blamed myself and felt so in shock and desperate I couldnt think straight but that only lasted hours and quickly realised it was not me it was him, I know he felt sad about the divorce because he thought it was something else he had screwed up, even though I explained that takes two. Thus kind of explains where his self esteem where she was concerned was, he was always worried of upsetting her because she then always used stopping him seeing his child as ammunition. I dont know on his score what made him go back. I imagine her... faced with losing her fall guy she was suddenly very unhappy with our 18 month relationship. The relationship was open and honest and she had no problem with us being together or their child being involved at all during our time together. As the old saying goes there is nothing more attractive than something that you are about to wave goodbye to.

 

The chances of this working again long term for them I am worried is almost zero especially as instead of starting again they seem to have picked up where they left off, his social networking has had to stop although hers hasnt friends and family have been asked to back off. I am adamant I wont be second best and his behaviour and lack of explanation has made me feel the happiness we had has been dismissed and turned into worthless meaningless time. I do though naturally have my weaker moments and am very much grieving for the relationship I have lost. I am worried that when it implodes there will be attempts to catch me up in the debris and I am wanting stories and experiences of ways to emotionally strengthen myself to try and make sure I do not let it happen, patterns, warning signs it may be about to start and if it does the best way to handle it. Is there anything more I can do now to protect myself from being in the firing line? As far as I am concerned I did not enter this relationship the other woman and I really dont want to be weak enough to allow it to happen should it all break down.

 

Help!! If anyone who has been through it can even just share their stories.

Edited August 11, 2013 by maidai

[findingnemo]

Hi maidai,

 

What a mess!! What a bloody mess. Unfortunately it happens a lot. MMs (married men) often panic after leaving and go back to what they know. From your story, I think he is overwhelmed. It might be about his child and his fear of losing him/her. All you can do really is to see this action as it is. He has gone back. With a decree nisi this probably means there will be no decree absolute unless he starts thinking straight again very very soon.

 

What can you do to avoid being the OW? Well, decide that you will NOT be a OW for him or anybody else. That's really it. You have already cut all ties. Pretty clever of you. Now what you need to do is analyze this problem from your point of view. Be selfish...as in think of yourself. What he has done is TERRIBLE. Why he did it doesn't matter. What it shows is that he has chosen her, he has chosen that life, he has looked at things and told himself he'd rather be with her than with you. He has basically rejected you and your love for him. Forget about how he will cope. That's his problem. He is an adult and must think things through before he does anything.

 

Perhaps he is mad? Perhaps the stress is so much he has lost it a bit? If that's the case, then let his family and W deal with it. YOU ARE DONE. Do not engage him even if he comes crawling on his knees begging for forgiveness. He has betrayed you. You are not the Other Woman and should act accordingly. People usually say that one should wait for the divorce before having an R. In your case, it seemed clear that that M was over. Now that you know that over may not mean over, the only way to give him time to listen is if he is done with the divorce. Even then, he still needs to be on his own for a year or more and regain your trust. If you let him back in, even when divorced, without making him earn it, I'm afraid he will keep pulling the rug from under you.

 

As for my story, it's no where near yours but you can look up old threads (mine and others) to see how all MMs seem to operate from the same manual. One question. What attracted you to him? It seems to me you spent a lot of time sorting him out? I hope you are not prone to rescuing lost causes, mailai.

[thefooloftheyear]

How do you prevent getting bitten by a Rattlesnake?

 

Dont pick it up and leave it alone...

 

TFY

[Lady2163]

That is just awful. It just seems so unexpected and unreal. How horrible for you.

 

To be honest, I don't consider you the typical other woman. Most of hem have to hide their affair and never meet the family or children or are acknowledged as the girlfriend. You were a...legitimate ( for lack of a better word) relationship.

 

I know you love this man, but I don't know that he is capable of loving you.

 

I'm sure you have some standards of how you expect to be treated in a relationship. I'm just naming some off the top of my head. You probably expect to have give and take. You expect them to call you when they say they will and show up on time. You expect to be able to go out in public. You expect to be able to park your car wherever the date is taking place. You expect to be more than a 15 minute booty call.

 

All good things.

 

My immediate thought when I read your story was: his marriage is so awful, when it hits the skids again, he's going to want to lean on you for support. It could be emotional support, it could be physical support. He may even call you crying, depressed, hopeless. If that happens, human nature is to be comforting to those we love.

 

But what is he doing for you? He has the potential to become a huge taker and not give much in return. He has the potential to become very selfish and make all of your interactions all about him.

 

I'm not one to advise no contact. If you're able to do that, good for you - sincerely. I would predict he will try to contact you in the next three months. Really, truly listen to what he is saying. Does he focus on the two of you as a couple and how much he hurt you, or is it all about him and how awful his life is.

 

Guard your heart. Put yourself first. Don't settle.

[maidai]

Finding Nemo rescuing lost causes relationship wise no. This is the first time this has ever happened to me but alas my profession is a rescuer and I could not do the job I do professionally if I did not have a caring nature which I suppose has been my downfall. I am trying now to worry about me not him, I was so angry with her at first for even thinking of damaging him more and at him for being ridiculoulsy stupid enough to risk being damaged more that my worry was all for him.

 

As for what attracted me? We went to school together. He had a bit of a thing for me then but was a year younger and I was much more interested in the older boys. We lost touch after school but he had been on my friends list on FB for a couple of years. My 11 year relationship broke down, he supported me, only via chin up messages etc and over time it grew into more general conversation and then progressed once I was ready to engage into meeting up. My Father also passed away 7 weeks ago so I am still dealing with that and up until Friday was my rock which makes it all the more a cruel and critical blow. I feel a bit WTF at the moment and am struggling to deal with two sets of grief.

 

At the moment I feel strong, okay I have a breakdown wail then laugh at myself and kick myself up the backside. I have a ridiculous empathetic caring nature and spend my life worrying about others instead of myself and this is one case where I WANT to build up strength to prevent me leaving myself wide open if it goes pear shaped for them!

[Sarabi]

Hi

Oh I am so sorry to hear about all of this how are YOU feeling?

How to avoid being the other woman...well you seem to be doing quite well by resolving never to be second best and going no contact

I am so sorry...but well, I think you are doing the right thing. Leave them to sort themselves out in that...fiasco. They sound so dysfunctional but some people thrive on that.

You are well rid

Lady is right. Put yourself first. He (or they) certainly are.

If he comes back...ugh I hope not for your sake but try and stay strong

[Sarabi]

Oh my. I'm so sorry to hear about your dad too

Hope you'll be ok soon. You have a lot to deal with.

((((((Hugs))))))

[maidai]

Hi

Oh I am so sorry to hear about all of this how are YOU feeling?

 

At the moment I feel totally betrayed.

 

I am not an unreasonable person. I am possibly too open and honest and because I do genuinally put others needs before my own any anger or resentment I currently have is based simply around the fact I have been given no closure. I will move on and am working hard to do just that but just wish he had come to see me and told me face to face and the reasoning behind it, its the feeling of worthlessness that he could not even give me that that hurts. I dont want to be a *homewrecker* and did not believe myself to be. I would have been heartbroken of course but at least with explanations and understanding I would have felt more settled. It would also have given me the chance to send him off but make it clear the door would close.

[whichwayisup]

Whatever is happening between them is far from over and he is in an unhealthy marriage, but it's his choice. Until he is ready to say enough and really walk away for good, this is how it's gonna be.

 

GOOD FOR YOU for realizing it's him and not you. He is messed up and chose to cheat on his wife instead of just divorcing her and leaving her abuse behind.

 

Take care of you and focus on healing from this.

[findingnemo]

Finding Nemo rescuing lost causes relationship wise no. This is the first time this has ever happened to me but alas my profession is a rescuer and I could not do the job I do professionally if I did not have a caring nature which I suppose has been my downfall. I am trying now to worry about me not him, I was so angry with her at first for even thinking of damaging him more and at him for being ridiculoulsy stupid enough to risk being damaged more that my worry was all for him.

 

As for what attracted me? We went to school together. He had a bit of a thing for me then but was a year younger and I was much more interested in the older boys. We lost touch after school but he had been on my friends list on FB for a couple of years. My 11 year relationship broke down, he supported me, only via chin up messages etc and over time it grew into more general conversation and then progressed once I was ready to engage into meeting up. My Father also passed away 7 weeks ago so I am still dealing with that and up until Friday was my rock which makes it all the more a cruel and critical blow. I feel a bit WTF at the moment and am struggling to deal with two sets of grief.

 

At the moment I feel strong, okay I have a breakdown wail then laugh at myself and kick myself up the backside. I have a ridiculous empathetic caring nature and spend my life worrying about others instead of myself and this is one case where I WANT to build up strength to prevent me leaving myself wide open if it goes pear shaped for them!

 

Okay. I see two things. One is that you were more open to him because of your past interaction. However people change. They grow up and become stronger or weaker in character. You have to ask yourself how he ended up in that M in the first place. Was it simply something that happened or is he the type who is drawn to abusive people? If he is the latter, then he has issues that you may not be able to help him with.

 

I'm sorry about your Dad. And I'm glad he was there for you. I don't know what to call him. XMM? Doesn't sound right. This shows that he is reliable. Him going back may have a valid explanation as I said. But right now you are right to focus on you. Don't even think about the BW. It will definitely go pear shaped. Don't think it won't. Instead have a plan on how to deal with him when he comes back in tears.

 

Start having fun with your friends. A new hobby? Preferably something physically taxing will help you feel better (endorphins) and will take your mind off your grief for a bit. A makeover? Something mild, not too drastic. The gym is good for your sanity and health of course. Pamper yourself for a while but come up with a solid plan because he is coming back!

[Speakingofwhich]

Pamper yourself for a while but come up with a solid plan because he is coming back!

 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Agree!

[maidai]

Thanks all yet again. Today I am feeling stronger still and looking at things differently again and I hope you don't mind me getting this next lot down because I think I need to write it down somewhere...

 

I am starting to view our relationship as a good experience that ended badly. My 11 year relationship ended and I had not been happy for a long time even though he was a good man. This man was there during that time, his keep your chin up messages made me smile and possibly even helped to make sure I was not weak and went back to something I did not want. What developed after were good times, we had so much fun and never stopped laughing and pranking around. The 3-4 times a week we saw each other virtually everytime was a date night. We did stuff together, meals, long walks, 2 holidays, concerts as he had never been. He knew he was free to have a life he deserved and enjoy himself with someone who loved him for him. He also finally had the freedom he never had to enjoy a close relationship with his family and best friends plus re build what he allowed her to allow him to destroy with his other children all who are beautiful wonderful and funny. The marriage itself to me is a sham... it was a suprise wedding all arranged by her and he was only told at the point he had to be notified it was happening. He returned from work to find her family gathered and she told him and off they went to wedded unbliss. The more I think about it the more I think what was I doing? This man has had no control over his life through all the time with her. His best friends was best man and his best friends wife refused to attend the wedding, likewise he was best man when his best friend got married and his best friends wife refused to have his wife in attendance. She also would not allow his other children to attend their wedding. Non of it is healthy for them to survive. The family always precursor her name with mad. She then got pregnant with their child and they were not together when the child was born they seperated for a while even through that time. Its not a marriage its a co dependancy as far as I can see. Through our relationship the only warning sign really was that he still to a degree sought her approval and craved her acknowledgement that he wasnt a bad person. I have been there myself..... only with my Mother. It took me 36 years to realise that some people get off on putting others down and if I waited my whole life she would say nothing nice. I ended our relationship again when I realised it was her not me! I have been a better person for it.

 

Whilst the marriage went ahead she cheated, she has had relationships since, she is not currently in one. He never cheated and his only post marriage relationship is with me and was long term after he remained single for 2 years to he thought sort himself out. She could not handle her insecurities and jealousy when they were married and no one else was involved on his part. She could not handle his work accussing him of cheating with co workers, checking his phone daily etc. They had very few good times although I believe they were happy for the first year. She has done everything she can now to attempt to erase me from his life but she can not control ME so I have erased him for her. I want no part. She now though will have to deal with the fact that whilst seperated he had a relationship that was good, healthy, happy and doing all the things in life you should do together and enjoy it. I know enough about her to know this will chew her up because she can not even if she blasted me to the moon erase me from his head. The situation he went back under means she will obsess. I know he is with her and although there is no chance I would allow it she wont know he is not with me. Each time he has to do overtime etc........ Its a miserable disaster and part of me hopes that karma deals them a blow that they have a lifetime of this misery whilst I will be enjoying my life either alone with my good friends and family around me or in time with someone who deserved me. I wont be here to take back his silly sorry arse.

 

Today I am blessed. I woke up smiling and realised I had dodged a whacking big fat bullet. It served its purpose, I have had a wonderful time, I have wonderful memories of happiness and love and closeness that I will take with me. A happy time can never be a bad time and I will learn from it and become a stronger better person than I already am. I have not lost anything, I am exactly where I was 18mnths ago. I still have my home, my independant finances, my friends, my family, my work and my life. I also had an amazing love whilst it lasted so I gained. xxx

Edited August 12, 2013 by maidai