"When Good People Have Affairs"

[Betterthanthis13]

I think I am having a "Split Self Affair".

 

A part of me wants to stay in Moper's thread. But another part of me wants to be in this new thread because Moper's thread isn't meeting all of my needs.

[eleanorrigby]

You crack me up. I'm almost glad you got cheated on because now I have the opportunity to enjoy your wit.

[Betterthanthis13]

You crack me up. I'm almost glad you got cheated on because now I have the opportunity to enjoy your wit.

 

Loveshack is definitely a silver lining from this debacle and all you people are freaking awesome:)

 

I never really participated in an Internet forum before. At first it was weird because I felt like everyone lived in Loveshack town somewhere and knew each other in real life and all worked in the same building for the same company or something , I really don't know what I thought but it didn't really register in my head until recently that everyone here is the same as me, sitting at home or at work or in their car, typing on their laptop or iPhone or blackberry and just knows everybody else by screen names and avatars. Like a bizarre ananamous dysfunctional internet family.

[2sure]

I think good people are completely capable of ....

 

Making mistakes, effing up, being vulnerable, being depressed, being stupid, and careless, good people also can sometimes hurt others.

 

Good people have affairs too. See above.

 

They become much less good to me when they lie and deceive when the mistake Is revealed.

 

They become of no use to me when they admit a mistake but accept no accountability and attempt to justify hurting others to satisfy their wants and needs.

 

Good people make mistakes, learn from them, rectify wrongs.

[William]

For an example of proper discussion behavior, please see member '2sure''s response to the topic. On LoveShack, it is disallowed to make threads about other members or other member's threads, so we'll proceed in this thread about how and why 'good people have affairs'.

 

Thanks for your participation.

[dichotomy]

2sure made a good point.

 

I think that good people when sick or mental/spiritually/emotionally ill, hurting, and in the right place - can make terrible choices - cheating, sex with the wrong folks, lying , etc..... Not an excuse, but it provides an understanding.

 

I have never cheated on anyone, or did drugs or anything, but I have acted badly when having issues dealing with hard life events and loss. I know can be weak at these rare times, make bad choices, but I like to think am a good person.

 

But what happens once a person (Good or Bad) does something bad. I think how we ultimately deal with bad choices and actions - also how we feel - starts to draw a line between actions and character.

Edited August 11, 2013 by dichotomy

[ComingInHot]

Good people screw up all the time. They Will make a poor choice or choose poor behavior throughout their lifetime. ...Even choose to do selfish things Knowing it is wrong.

Call it a moment or period of insanity, going through a "high" period where they "can do no wrong" cause they feel they "deserve it", maybe they just want to see if different is better than the same...

 

I think "good" people can and do cheat but what separates them is when the "period of time" ends and clarity returns, they will accept responsibility, do what they can to make amends, and neve make the same mistake again.

 

Basically, pretty much what 2Sure wrote... (I feel like the last couple days I've been following you around saying the same thing!! Your own personal "yes girl"... I don't mean too, ugh)

[findingnemo]

I do believe Good people have As.

 

I would categorize myself as "good" but I was an AP for years. Good people can do some stupid things. Good people have issues just like others but I think the difference is that they are willing to accept 1) that they are not perfect 2) that they have made mistakes 3) that they must change and 4) they should not repeat the same mistakes.

 

Good people learn and grow. They are essentially fair. Even in the midst of doing bad things, they know they are wrong and don't feel entitled to trample all over other people's feelings.

 

But I also think Good people are susceptible to As and to doing extreme things as a reaction to how unfair and difficult life can get. Sometimes they are so hurt themselves that they decide to join bad people and get something for themselves. They basically give up on being good because it looks like there are no dividends. Fortunately they will revert to their normal selves after realizing, painfully, how wrong they've been.

[Realist3]

I think I am having a "Split Self Affair".

 

A part of me wants to stay in Moper's thread. But another part of me wants to be in this new thread because Moper's thread isn't meeting all of my needs.

 

 

It sounds intriguing. but you might over-think it.

[Betterthanthis13]

Why did my thread get moved out of infidelity to general relationships? Ok well whatever, here is why I think the advice in the book, "when Good People Have Affairs" is dangerous.

 

The logic in the book tells people that their poor choices are excusable and that they are good people. It is no good. I can prove that Good People Steal Kids with her logical advice.

 

Good people steal kids

 

Good people have affairs

 

Stealing a kid from a family is likely to cause that family a lot of pain. But, It might not. Maybe the kid is abused or neglected. Maybe the parents are on drugs and won't notice. Maybe the kid is away at boarding school and hates his parents anyway. Anything is possible.

 

Having an affair is likely to cause a BS a lot of pain. But, It might not. The BS might be a really bad person. Also, the BS might never Catch you. Anything is possible. So, don't tell the BS- that is good advice for good people.

 

If a family is abusing or neglecting a kid and you are tempted to steal him, that is normal. that does not mean you are a bad person. Yes, we do have a system in place that will investigate the situation and remove the kid from harm if necessary, and these kids are sometimes available for adoption.

 

If your spouse is a pain in the ass or your needs are not being met and you want to have an affair, that is normal. That does not mean you are a bad person. Yes, we have a system in place that allows you to separate from your spouse. This system is called Divorce. After divorce, both parties are free to remarry.

 

If you want to adopt a certain kid the process can be long and painful for you as well as the kid.

 

If you want to Divorce and remarry, the process can be long and painful for you, your spouse, and your kids.

 

If you want a certain kid, and you know a kid is being abused or neglected, you could either:

 

1. Steal a kid

 

2. Report the abuse and try to adopt the kid

 

If your spouse is a pain in the ass or not meeting your needs, you can either:

 

1. Have an affair

 

2. Get a divorce

 

Ok, so... somehow, as if by accident you chose to steal the kid because at the time, it seemed like the best option to you. Some time has passed. It seems like the family you stole the kid from isn't missing the kid very much. You are so happy with the kid and you love the kid and the kid has a better home than before.

 

Ok so... somehow, as if by accident, you chose to have an affair because it seemed like the best idea to you at the time. Some time has passed. Your BS seems not to notice. You love your AP. Win win.

 

So, why aren't people happy for you?

 

Why don't they understand that stealing kids/ having an affair isn't always a bad thing? There are gray areas to life, you know.

 

Good people steal kids.

[William]

Why did my thread get moved out of infidelity to general relationships?

 

One main reason:

 

As you were not posting a personal experience with infidelity, either as someone in an affair or suspecting one's spouse/partner of an affair, and in accordance with published guidelines for the Infidelity forum, the thread is off-topic for that forum but on-topic for this forum, so it was moved here with a re-direct for readers of the infidelity forum to follow. Moderation can move the thread with an infraction or without, and it was moved without.

 

I'll notate your account that you were informed publicly of the guidelines in this case, so I presume future questions in this vein will not occur. Thanks and please carry on with the discussion.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

What defines a "good" person vs. a "bad" person?

 

Does anyone on this forum think of themselves as a "bad" person?

 

I can't recall ever having met a person who thought he or she was a "bad" person. There are plenty of people I have known and do know now who I think are "bad" people - almost entirely for reasons other than infidelity. I'm pretty sure they don't think of themselves that way.

[thecharade]

There are so many other personality qualities, times in one's life, years in one's life, behaviors, attitudes, actions than just the infidelity. At least I hope so, or most BS wouldn't even bother trying to reconcile. What would be the point?

 

No, infidelity sucks. But people are comprised of much more.

[Betterthanthis13]

What defines a "good" person vs. a "bad" person?

 

Does anyone on this forum think of themselves as a "bad" person?

 

I can't recall ever having met a person who thought he or she was a "bad" person. There are plenty of people I have known and do know now who I think are "bad" people - almost entirely for reasons other than infidelity. I'm pretty sure they don't think of themselves that way.

 

Objectively:

There are no good people.

There are no bad people.

 

There are people.

 

People make choices.

 

There are no good choices

There are no bad choices

 

There are choices

 

Choices have consequences

 

It's up to each person to decide for themselves what they think is good or bad, right or wrong for them. When you enter into a relationship or are in a society, there are contracts.

Edited August 12, 2013 by Betterthanthis13

[Betterthanthis13]

It sounds intriguing. but you might over-think it.

 

I just fell into this thread accidentally. It's ok though. I'm still a good person.

 

I'm pretty sure it's a split self polyamorous relationship though because I mentioned twice I was going to do it before I did it, so there was consent.

[JustJoe]

I think good people are completely capable of ....

 

Making mistakes, effing up, being vulnerable, being depressed, being stupid, and careless, good people also can sometimes hurt others.

 

Good people have affairs too. See above.

 

They become much less good to me when they lie and deceive when the mistake Is revealed.

 

They become of no use to me when they admit a mistake but accept no accountability and attempt to justify hurting others to satisfy their wants and needs.

 

Good people make mistakes, learn from them, rectify wrongs.

Good people don't have affairs , because the term "good" is subjective, and can mean literally anything you want it to. I, personally have never met a 100% "good" person, and probably wouldn't like he/she, if I did.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Good people DO NOT have affairs, only bad people have affairs.

 

Affairs are basically lying, deceiving, and breaking a sacred promise (well, the promise USED to be sacred....unfortunately, it no longer is in today's society).

 

Cheating is one of the most disgusting things one person can do to another. It is a huge breach of trust and is objectively immoral.

[findingnemo]

Why did my thread get moved out of infidelity to general relationships? Ok well whatever, here is why I think the advice in the book, "when Good People Have Affairs" is dangerous.

 

The logic in the book tells people that their poor choices are excusable and that they are good people. It is no good. I can prove that Good People Steal Kids with her logical advice.

 

Good people steal kids

 

Good people have affairs

 

Stealing a kid from a family is likely to cause that family a lot of pain. But, It might not. Maybe the kid is abused or neglected. Maybe the parents are on drugs and won't notice. Maybe the kid is away at boarding school and hates his parents anyway. Anything is possible.

 

Having an affair is likely to cause a BS a lot of pain. But, It might not. The BS might be a really bad person. Also, the BS might never Catch you. Anything is possible. So, don't tell the BS- that is good advice for good people.

 

If a family is abusing or neglecting a kid and you are tempted to steal him, that is normal. that does not mean you are a bad person. Yes, we do have a system in place that will investigate the situation and remove the kid from harm if necessary, and these kids are sometimes available for adoption.

 

If your spouse is a pain in the ass or your needs are not being met and you want to have an affair, that is normal. That does not mean you are a bad person. Yes, we have a system in place that allows you to separate from your spouse. This system is called Divorce. After divorce, both parties are free to remarry.

 

If you want to adopt a certain kid the process can be long and painful for you as well as the kid.

 

If you want to Divorce and remarry, the process can be long and painful for you, your spouse, and your kids.

 

If you want a certain kid, and you know a kid is being abused or neglected, you could either:

 

1. Steal a kid

 

2. Report the abuse and try to adopt the kid

 

If your spouse is a pain in the ass or not meeting your needs, you can either:

 

1. Have an affair

 

2. Get a divorce

 

Ok, so... somehow, as if by accident you chose to steal the kid because at the time, it seemed like the best option to you. Some time has passed. It seems like the family you stole the kid from isn't missing the kid very much. You are so happy with the kid and you love the kid and the kid has a better home than before.

 

Ok so... somehow, as if by accident, you chose to have an affair because it seemed like the best idea to you at the time. Some time has passed. Your BS seems not to notice. You love your AP. Win win.

 

So, why aren't people happy for you?

 

Why don't they understand that stealing kids/ having an affair isn't always a bad thing? There are gray areas to life, you know.

 

Good people steal kids.

 

 

The author of that book Good People....seems to think that it is understandable that someone can have an A or steal a child. Logic is interesting because it assumes things based on facts must be right. It is like science. You can prove a logical statement to be true time and time again. What logic doesn't factor in is emotion and emotional responses of human beings.

 

It is understandable why people have As in general and on an individual level. If a MM feels neglected and starved of sex, I can understand why he has an A. What I can't do is find it acceptable as a good response/reaction to his situation.

 

It is understandable why a woman will steal a newborn baby from a hospital. Or why a mother will go to her kids school, steal them and head straight to Canada. Both women could be very good people who became desperate. What it also is, is unacceptable as a response/reaction to the situation.

 

Better, one of the characteristics of a Split Self person is their need to intellectualize everything according to the author. XMM is just like that. He will think and think and argue with himself logically. The only logic he has failed to grasp is that many times human beings need to act on emotions and that it is a recipe for disaster to try and bottle up emotions rather than deal with them. If more WS' opened up about how they felt at the moment of attraction, I think there would be less As. There would probably be more Ds since the married couple may be unable to solve whatever problems they have. But there would be less cheating generally.

[dichotomy]

Further along the path of what happens after the”bad” action or choice and what it says about the person vs the behavior

 

There are psychiatric terms to define people who commit terrible acts but feel no empathy or sadness – psychopaths.

 

A more milder psychological term for people who lack regret over things like affairs or emotional abuse or stealing commit on others... for their own needs - they are classified as having “a character disorder”.

[Got it]

Why did my thread get moved out of infidelity to general relationships? Ok well whatever, here is why I think the advice in the book, "when Good People Have Affairs" is dangerous.

 

The logic in the book tells people that their poor choices are excusable and that they are good people. It is no good. I can prove that Good People Steal Kids with her logical advice.

 

Good people steal kids

 

Good people have affairs

 

Stealing a kid from a family is likely to cause that family a lot of pain. But, It might not. Maybe the kid is abused or neglected. Maybe the parents are on drugs and won't notice. Maybe the kid is away at boarding school and hates his parents anyway. Anything is possible.

 

Having an affair is likely to cause a BS a lot of pain. But, It might not. The BS might be a really bad person. Also, the BS might never Catch you. Anything is possible. So, don't tell the BS- that is good advice for good people.

 

If a family is abusing or neglecting a kid and you are tempted to steal him, that is normal. that does not mean you are a bad person. Yes, we do have a system in place that will investigate the situation and remove the kid from harm if necessary, and these kids are sometimes available for adoption.

 

If your spouse is a pain in the ass or your needs are not being met and you want to have an affair, that is normal. That does not mean you are a bad person. Yes, we have a system in place that allows you to separate from your spouse. This system is called Divorce. After divorce, both parties are free to remarry.

 

If you want to adopt a certain kid the process can be long and painful for you as well as the kid.

 

If you want to Divorce and remarry, the process can be long and painful for you, your spouse, and your kids.

 

If you want a certain kid, and you know a kid is being abused or neglected, you could either:

 

1. Steal a kid

 

2. Report the abuse and try to adopt the kid

 

If your spouse is a pain in the ass or not meeting your needs, you can either:

 

1. Have an affair

 

2. Get a divorce

 

Ok, so... somehow, as if by accident you chose to steal the kid because at the time, it seemed like the best option to you. Some time has passed. It seems like the family you stole the kid from isn't missing the kid very much. You are so happy with the kid and you love the kid and the kid has a better home than before.

 

Ok so... somehow, as if by accident, you chose to have an affair because it seemed like the best idea to you at the time. Some time has passed. Your BS seems not to notice. You love your AP. Win win.

 

So, why aren't people happy for you?

 

Why don't they understand that stealing kids/ having an affair isn't always a bad thing? There are gray areas to life, you know.

 

Good people steal kids.

 

I am not trying to be rude but did you read the book? Now I haven't read it in a few years but that wasn't what I took away from it. The issue is still one one would go down that road but it does allow the premise that you are the devil reincarnate if you do. Because, I think, that many people hear that and then do not even deep dive why they actually were in an affair and what they were hoping to gain from it. They just go to "they are evil" and bad and do not dig deeper. And one needs to dig deeper than just self flagellation or avoidance.