Online friend, slept and don't want to meet again

[duped]

I met this guy online through facebook, as we both had many mutual friends. So he was genuine person and I became friends with him online. Knowing him more and talking almost daily, I fell in love with him. After few days, he initiated phone sex call talks. Initially, I shunned the idea but later, because I loved him and wanted to attract him, I didn't mind doing dirty talk on the phone. He realized that I was getting emotionally attracted to him and so he made a decision to stop all the phone sex talks and even stopped normal video chats with me. He insisted that we remain just friends but I loved him too much. We continued to talk and ofcourse he started behaving weird and getting disinterested in me and all. But after almost a year of our staying in touch, (like almost best buddies), he had some business work in my locality and so decides to meet me. The meet happened to be at my place. I was very excited to be with him as I loved him, remember ?

When we met, we hugged and after that, I couldn't stop myself from cuddling him. Our chemistry was awesome and more so he being "just a guy" I can't say for sure if his physical intimacy was anything more than being physical but I could somehow feel some emotions flow.

So here's the whole thing and an important part I would like to share. Please don't read between the lines as it was exactly how I am stating right now. We did not have sex! He knew I am a virgin and I insisted that we didn't have sex. But from our hugs and cuddles, it went on the bed. We lied together, on top of each other, he undressed me but we both had our undies on. First time in my life I was bra-less for a guy. He sucked my b**bs and fingered me down. He tried to give me pleasure which was nice. He requested me to BJ him but since I've never done it and found gross, I tried taking it in my mouth thrice but didn't really suck it. That is about it.

We also had a good time apart from this, just random talk and outing. He is a nice guy that way, and we've talked a lot about everything that has nothing to do with sex too.

In a gist, I went naked but had undies on, he sucked my boobs and fingered me down, we kissed and I took his d**k thrice in my mouth but don't think that I turned him on enough. I am new and not a slut, come on! I did all this only because I am so much in love with him.

He was since day one of our online friendship determined to not getting married to me because he would do it with the one his family decides for him. But there have been sessions when I said him I love you and he said it back to me too. Though it has been long since he stopped,( remember he felt I was getting too emotional?)

I want to ask you all, was I used? Does getting used only mean letting a guy have "sex" with you or does it mean what we did too? Was mine a one night stand ? I hope not. The thought of it kills me and makes me feel used.

He left the other day and when he was going to be for his business work around for the next couple of days, I insisted we met but he denied saying I was getting too attached and he didn't want to hurt me in future. This gave me a double feeling of being used (like did things and then goodbye).

After a few days, when he felt that I was being too clingy, he blackmailed me saying he would talk about the whole situation to some of our mutual facebook friends as he was getting scared of my behavior and it made him felt that I would actually commit suicide. He also blackmailed me saying he was going to call the police the other day to be safe of blame if I did something to myself. I replied to him on this saying politely that I love him and would never want him to suffer by doing something so low.

That's the whole story, was I used ? Please help me. We are still in touch and I am trying my best to reduce contact because on the same day he blackmailed me , I reduced contact with him and that very day he himself initiated contact through chat asking me how I was doing and what was going on. So you see, he doesn't want me out of his life but doesn't want me in his life. I am all good with whatever he wants. It's just that I want to know if what we did that day at my place was immoral ? We really didn't indulge in literal penetration sex, not even genitals touching each other. Please help me I hate the feeling of being used. I don't want to deny though, that I totally loved being with him and time spent with him and the physical interaction I had with him.

Edited August 11, 2013 by duped

[Carenth]

Sorry to say but he just does not feel the same way about you. From as far as I can tell he was just looking for sex. I'm not sure what else to say other than you really need to move on from this guy as it seems he's just not interested in what you want.

 

If you were threatening to kill yourself then it's not exactly blackmail to tell your friends if he is concerned that you might actually do it.

[duped]

I never threatened at the first place. But anyways, thanks for your response. So you think he was just looking for sex and I did not give him sex, so I wasn't used right ?

 

Was I used in this whole thing, can someone please advise?

[CarrieT]

Yep, you were used.

 

 

Also, that "falling in love" thing before actually meeting him? That wasn't real love = that was you PROJECTING what you wanted him to be for you. It was a fantasy that didn't live up to its expectations.

 

Hold out for a real guy that you can meet and talk to and get to know IN PERSON. These internet relationships are rife for failure because the person in real life is never/rarely the person that is created online.

[duped]

But he didn't get that thing he wanted. How was I used ? I will happily move on if i know i wasn't used.

[TMichaels]

But he didn't get that thing he wanted. How was I used ? I will happily move on if i know i wasn't used.

 

OK. You weren't used.

 

Your move now. As in "on."

 

Best,

TMichaels

[emi]

The point of being used or anything its just a part of the break up

We always questioned that kind of thing when the break up happen

But now u got no choice but to move on, this isnt good enough to follow.

 

Move on girl!

[keithkat]

You weren't used. You both wanted and anticipated it at some point. It's just that even before you met in person, he already doesn't appreciate the feelings you have for him because he doesn't feel the same way. And you definitely know about it.

[Zahara]

But he didn't get that thing he wanted. How was I used ? I will happily move on if i know i wasn't used.

 

The intent was to get something from you. So, he was hoping and had intent to use you. Whether he got sex or not is irrelevant. You're focusing on details that don't matter at this point.

 

In future, make better choices for yourself if your virginity means that much to you, so that you don't beat yourself up about whether you were used or not.

[forgetmenot75]

No, you haven't been used AT ALL.

He was VERY clear from the beginning, but you chose to ignore the red flags. How old are you?

 

Stop contacting him, or he might call the police saying you are harassing him. It's clear he's scared of your actions, and he doesn't know what else to do to stop you. you need to refrain yourself, and understand he didn't use you. You were the one insisting.

 

I'd give you some advice: before engaging in a long distance relationship, and fall in love with strangers, try to meet some guy from your town and see if something else develops. You have no experience whatsoever, the least you need is an "imaginary lover".

Do yourself a favor and stop contacting this guy.

[duped]

Thanks a ton! That was relieving! I am in my mid 20's. I know I should have been matured by now but I haven't had too many experiences in my bucket, because of the choices I've made for myself. I am too picky and I fall in love with few guys but it's more intense when I do. I'm just that way

[keithkat]

You're welcome.

 

I understand that you are picky, and it's not bad to be picky, but you should re-evaluate your standards and check why you have fallen into this guy and why have you allowed these things to happen in your life.

 

There might be some stuff repressed in there.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

I met this guy online through facebook, as we both had many mutual friends. So he was genuine person and I became friends with him online. Knowing him more and talking almost daily, I fell in love with him. After few days, he initiated phone sex call talks. Initially, I shunned the idea but later, because I loved him and wanted to attract him, I didn't mind doing dirty talk on the phone. He realized that I was getting emotionally attracted to him and so he made a decision to stop all the phone sex talks and even stopped normal video chats with me. He insisted that we remain just friends but I loved him too much. We continued to talk and ofcourse he started behaving weird and getting disinterested in me and all. But after almost a year of our staying in touch, (like almost best buddies), he had some business work in my locality and so decides to meet me. The meet happened to be at my place. I was very excited to be with him as I loved him, remember ?

When we met, we hugged and after that, I couldn't stop myself from cuddling him. Our chemistry was awesome and more so he being "just a guy" I can't say for sure if his physical intimacy was anything more than being physical but I could somehow feel some emotions flow.

So here's the whole thing and an important part I would like to share. Please don't read between the lines as it was exactly how I am stating right now. We did not have sex! He knew I am a virgin and I insisted that we didn't have sex. But from our hugs and cuddles, it went on the bed. We lied together, on top of each other, he undressed me but we both had our undies on. First time in my life I was bra-less for a guy. He sucked my b**bs and fingered me down. He tried to give me pleasure which was nice. He requested me to BJ him but since I've never done it and found gross, I tried taking it in my mouth thrice but didn't really suck it. That is about it.

We also had a good time apart from this, just random talk and outing. He is a nice guy that way, and we've talked a lot about everything that has nothing to do with sex too.

In a gist, I went naked but had undies on, he sucked my boobs and fingered me down, we kissed and I took his d**k thrice in my mouth but don't think that I turned him on enough. I am new and not a slut, come on! I did all this only because I am so much in love with him.

He was since day one of our online friendship determined to not getting married to me because he would do it with the one his family decides for him. But there have been sessions when I said him I love you and he said it back to me too. Though it has been long since he stopped,( remember he felt I was getting too emotional?)

I want to ask you all, was I used? Does getting used only mean letting a guy have "sex" with you or does it mean what we did too? Was mine a one night stand ? I hope not. The thought of it kills me and makes me feel used.

He left the other day and when he was going to be for his business work around for the next couple of days, I insisted we met but he denied saying I was getting too attached and he didn't want to hurt me in future. This gave me a double feeling of being used (like did things and then goodbye).

After a few days, when he felt that I was being too clingy, he blackmailed me saying he would talk about the whole situation to some of our mutual facebook friends as he was getting scared of my behavior and it made him felt that I would actually commit suicide. He also blackmailed me saying he was going to call the police the other day to be safe of blame if I did something to myself. I replied to him on this saying politely that I love him and would never want him to suffer by doing something so low.

That's the whole story, was I used ? Please help me. We are still in touch and I am trying my best to reduce contact because on the same day he blackmailed me , I reduced contact with him and that very day he himself initiated contact through chat asking me how I was doing and what was going on. So you see, he doesn't want me out of his life but doesn't want me in his life. I am all good with whatever he wants. It's just that I want to know if what we did that day at my place was immoral ? We really didn't indulge in literal penetration sex, not even genitals touching each other. Please help me I hate the feeling of being used. I don't want to deny though, that I totally loved being with him and time spent with him and the physical interaction I had with him.

 

 

The social dynamics most prevalent with LS readers are such that dating a guy who "will (marry) the one his family decides for him" just doesn't match your very fair and sincere questions with typical answers.

 

The term "used" gets thrown around far far too much in dating circles. The person with the more lengthy interest in having the relationship too often throws in said accusation of the one who ended the relationship. Nobody ever thinks about their own complicity at the point when the sexual sharing took place.

 

 

So far as I can tell, you were very sincere in investing yourself in the life of somebody else, and over the good, long period of a year plus. It is just natural and normal to want to keep investing that way, and yet you really never can bank on just what mental make-up exists on the other side of the connection.

 

I do NOT think this guy "used" you merely for the purposes of experiencing your sexuality. (people like that don't tend to have such healthy attention spans, and there are suckers around every corner who will be more conveniently wooed by their efforts)

 

I just... suspect that while the vulnerability you shared was normal, some dynamic of his personality (and it could be the {"difficult to grasp", lets call it} appreciation for arranged marriages - perhaps drummed into his head as a young child, a la religion} ) ... is/was unreceptive/uncomfortable to/with his own vulnerability in front of a woman.

 

You're plenty old enough, and I assume he is too... so that this wasn't the product of mere immaturity.

 

I have to suggest, too, that in the same way that arranged marriages seem sooooooooooooooo out-there and senseless to my thoughts, they on the other side may well have some clever way to denounce the idea of dating and mating of your own free will. So it really could be that he has reacted more to the experience of seeing/sensing his own thoughts in the proverbial mirror than he has to your feminine appeal.

 

Hope this causes you to think in a different way, perhaps as a means toward not being so hard on yourself. I think you followed wonderful instincts, and that you shouldn't be hesitant to invest yourself and your heart in that way again.

[justwhoiam]

After few days, he initiated phone sex call talks. Initially, I shunned the idea but later, because I loved him and wanted to attract him, I didn't mind doing dirty talk on the phone.

1) Don't rush into anyone you've never even met

2) Don't resort to sex to get their attention

3) Don't say you love them after a few days, give yourself the time to actually know the guy IN PERSON

4) Don't engage in online sex if you're concerned with the morality of your actions

 

he made a decision to stop all the phone sex talks and even stopped normal video chats with me. He insisted that we remain just friends but I loved him too much.

5) Your feelings were not matched on his end, but you disregarded this

 

Our chemistry was awesome...

He requested me to BJ him...

I've found gross, I tried taking it in my mouth thrice but didn't really suck it.

6) You don't have awesome chemistry if a) he had to request a BJ, and b) you found that gross and were unable to deal with his penis

7) Next time you fall for someone, give yourself time to know him better, so that you feel comfortable enough around his penis. You made him feel uncomfortable, and it's not a good feeling while being intimate. For a guy, the unknown and the anticipation of it are better than having her put her lips on it and then being grossed out and unable to do anything.

8) Don't underestimate your sexuality issues in the hope your "love" will overcome anything. It didn't.

 

I am new and not a slut

9) If you think that sucking the man you love is slutty, then you need to rethink the whole sexual dynamics in your head. You can decide it's something you don't want to do regardless of the receiver, but you'd be better off with someone who can go without it for the rest of his life. And even then, some might settle for it, out of love, but get frustrated over time (think 30-40 years).

 

He was since day one of our online friendship determined to not getting married to me because he would do it with the one his family decides for him.

10) You got intimate with someone knowing there was not hope of being with him. Do yourself a favor and make a list of things you find moral and immoral. And avoid the latter.