One year later.....

[Hopeful714]

Hello.

 

I used to post in the break up section but I belong here now...I think. This may be long, so for that I apologize. I haven't posted in a long long time but felt the need to recently. It very close to 1 year post break up yet I still have troubled feelings at times.

 

I dated someone for 1.5 years. It began great. He was very attentive, attractive, fun and sweet. We had great times together. Although I was very cautious with my feelings, I couldn't help but think WOW..how could I be so lucky to be able to date him and then eventually become his girlfriend.

 

From the get go there were "oddities" about him. Red flags I ignored I suppose. He came on so fast and strong. Once he knew he had me, and I had let down my guard, things began to change dramatically.

 

On our first date he took me to a family function and later in the evening told me he was an "evil, monster". I thought it was weird. I learned of his abusive childhood (from his dad) and all about the hurt and pain associated with his fathers recent suicide. As a few months passed, I started to pick up on inconsistencies, and some (eventually many) lies. Also, when things wouldn't go his way, there would be rage. It was always about him. Always. He loved attention. Craved it. Told me people were jealous of him. Told me my friends were jealous of me....because I was dating him.

 

I'm pretty easy going so ignored and went along with things. For the most part I was still happy then and just figured he was wayy arrogant. Although again, I sensed things weren't right. He didn't seem as "open" with me as he was in the beginning. When we fought, there was no two way communication. I felt rarely heard. Sex went from what I would call "normal" to me feeling like an object for his gratification. There was little pleasure for me, no intimacy. It wasn't even often.

 

Sometimes we would fight and he would disappear for a while. Then schmooze is way back with cryptic texts. He would want me, and be wonderful to me for a while, then he wouldn't. It was very confusing.

 

Some of the things he told me when we argued were horrid. He would always say "other girls want me". "I could have 1000 girls." He told me I was vile. He said "I will take what is given". That his momma comes first. He ignored my birthday. Said I should lie for him. Told me he was a broken man. Some of the things that he would say and do were so bizarre. Obviously I finally came to the realization that something was really off with him but because there were still many good times, nightly calls, and much,much time spent with him, I still stayed. He never hurt me physically.

 

Eventually there were times I thought he was cheating on me. But could prove nothing. I could never get answers from him when I asked questions or tried to talk about relationship issues. He didn't want the hassle. One time I saw him walking into a store, and I just happened to mention it and I was told "it wasn't me." It was. I SAW HIM. Things got crazier and crazier. He started to tell me I was insecure, bipolar, weak. Blamed me for everything. Well, I wasn't before meeting him...but I was becoming that way. It seemed at times he didn't want me, but he would not let go either. I thought maybe he was trying to get me to do his dirty work and leave him.

 

After 1.5 years in this relationship, I began to mentally breakdown. I felt worthless. Ugly. Weak and crazy as he stated. Physically too, I was becoming ill. The stress and drama were terrible. I needed some time to be alone. Eventually I came down with a horrible sinus infection and became really sick. At the same time, my best friends mother was dying. I just needed some time for myself. He became very angry. I stayed away for 2 weeks to deal with things. When I returned I found evidence of another cheating episode. A huge fight ensued, and he knew he was caught...and knew the charade of who he was was coming to an end. He asked if we were going to "tough this out", meaning stay together, but he never apologized, or said he was sorry or anything. Life was just supposed to go on like nothing happened.

 

He kept calling for a while, wanted to see me, "have fun", but I was very numb, and became seriously depressed. I couldn't do it anymore...I think he sensed this and the calls stopped. This was about 1 year ago. 1 month post break up I tried to talk with him by my prompting, but he played games with me. So I never initiated contact again. Then once he knew I was gone, I received 3 breadcrumb texts over the course of 6 months from him that I responded to generically with no emotion. The last of these was 5 months ago.

 

Once we were really finished, I became very, very depressed. I couldn't believe what I lived through, and how I was treated. I was angry at him, and more angry at myself for tolerating it as long as I did. I felt manipulated and taken for granted. Used and hurt. My world crashed. I was like a zombie at work. I couldn't leave the house. Couldn't eat, sleep or do any of the things I loved and was used to. It was awful. Eventually, I began going to go to a counselor, and when that did nothing for me, had to go on a low dose of antidepressants. I read everything I could get my hands on regarding personality disorders/abuse because I truly believe he has one.

 

The last several months of this past year, I eventually put the pieces of my life back together. And accomplished much. Got myself together again. I am an educated, smart, pretty, woman. Sure I have my issues, but for the most part I'd say I'm stable, successful and a good catch. I still have not dated however, I don't know if I can. I felt the need to be alone for a while and heal. Learn about myself, learn about boundaries. But, as crazy as this sounds...I don't know if anyone will compare to him.

 

In the year since our break up I have heard/learned things about him too through the grapevine so to speak. He went from our relationship, right to the next with one of the girls he cheated on me with. Hooked her in with the same old charm. It lasted several months, then he cheated on her and broke her heart. He is now is "in a relationship" with a girl he cheated on her with. She is divorced and has 2 kids...which I can't even imagine how this would work for him. Or her for that matter. But from what I hear he's "in love" again.

 

Anyhow, after all this and one year later..why am I still troubled? Why do I still miss him at times? Why do I still get jealous of him with these other women and wonder what they have that I do not....or worry that he will change and be good and better to them and settle down? What was up with this dude? Will he change ever? Did I ever mean a dang thing to him? Was I really abused?

 

I guess the thing that gets me the most after one whole year is that I suffered greatly from all this. Greatly. It ripped me apart and scared me tremendously, yet he just carried on with his life and happiness without skipping a beat. Now others have been hurt, and more may be, and there is nothing I can do about it. Not a damn thing. Thinking of this makes me sick.

 

Any comments, or help would be appreciated. Please refrain from saying...he's an idiot...move on. Believe me, I know that. For the most part I have.....and really and truly wish I could completely!

[M30USA]

I can sympathize with you about being "physically ill" with a bad relationship. Not only did I get sick more than usual with my ex (during which she thought I was being a baby), but I also LOST weight during the time I was married. I mean who actually loses weight? Isn't the stereotype that a man is supposed to get "fattened up" by his wife? I am thin to begin with. Since the divorce I am 20 pounds heavier and feel healthy.

[Hopeful714]

Thanks,

 

I have been to counseling however I didn't feel that it really helped me much. I "unloaded" thoughts on my mind, but everything I was told by the counselor, I deep down already knew. Like I said, I have read an enormous amount of information in the past year as well so I am well "schooled" so to say in red flags and warning signs to look for in the future for sure. Also, if anything, I learned that my lack of boundaries was partially to blame for all of this. A normal, healthy individual would have walked from this early on. And typically I would have,,,,but for some reason, for him, I stayed.

 

There are actually times I feel sorry for this guy. Because he was very good at making people feel sorry for him. But then I think of how he said he was an evil monster, which leads me to believe he knows what he does to people and is conscious of his behavior and how it hurts others...yet does it anyhow because he lacks empathy and wants what he wants. Some of the psychological dynamics of this I actually find chilling, yet fascinating.

 

I know the best thing for me is to keep far far away from this guy. And I plan to do just that. But I still cant help feel bad for all the others that will endure his wrath. Maybe even worse then I did. If I was a man, and he did this or something similar to my daughter, Id want to kill him. But, there is nothing I can do.

 

Maybe more time is what I need....but I would have thought a year would have been enough. Anyone here been out of the RS for a while and experience something like this?

[M30USA]

Hopeful, I'm in the same boat. I'm taking time away to learn how make healthy boundaries and not tolerate abuse.

[almond]

HOPEFUL - you are doing fantastically! You have shown much wisdom in your posts, and you appear to have come a very long way.

 

You truly are doing all the right things for yourself, and you seem quite intelligent and mature - you're going to be fine <3

 

One thing that I will suggest if I may: perhaps see a counselor again. You have picked yourself up and gotten through the acute stages, but you are now dealing with the aftermath of abuse. And yes, what you have outlined here does constitute abuse IMO. I think a counselor could really help you with this final stage of moving on. For some reason, you are still thinking back to this. I feel that this is more about your role in what happened, than it is about his. You stayed. It's scary to confront this and can be difficult to regain confidence in your self-preservation abilities. A professional may be able to help you speed this process up a bit. Suffering depression is also traumatic within itself.

 

Keep your head up though - some day soon this will be a completely closed chapter. Your eyes are wide open now, and this will be prove to be an invaluable learning experience for you. You will grow from it.

Edited August 13, 2013 by almond

[hestheone66]

four and half years ago i left my narcussist abuser of 12 years. yes at beginning the charm was intoxicating. i was trapped because my good nature kept making excuses until i realised he couldnt actually love as he was broken. i felt immediately stronger for leavin. went nc.. yet for several years his mental presence in my life continued to haunt me. like you i just wondered how i could have allowed a broken mans whims control me. i didnt date for a few years and definitely not lookung for relationship. i have met a nan that is kibd and who makes my happiness his priority..there is hope..even if this man didnt come im still happier and will never tolerate anyone to belittle me again..good luck

[Hopeful714]

Thanks for the responses.

 

M30USA-I read your story and some of your threads. My story does not begin to compare to yours. You have been through the ringer and I sympathize with you and wish you the best. I am however a bit curious about your stated porn addiction if you don't mind me asking. I think my ex could have been addicted as well as I had found a profile for him on a porn/sex hook up site. I understand many men look at porn, and I have my self at times, however I don't understand the addiction of it. I would like to, if you would feel comfortable to elaborate. If not, its ok. Maybe you turned to that because your relationship seemed so horrible. By seeing what I have of porn, I tend to think it can produce a devaluation attitude towards women if viewed in the wrong context. Most of it seems to me to be about control and submission. I don't know. Where is the line drawn between the healthy/unhealthy viewing of it? How can a woman have healthy boundaries and be attractive to a man, if men look to porn because the fantasy, or true desire of men is to dominate a woman?

 

To Almond, yes, I am doing much better after being a basket

case for about 7 months. I have been considering going back to counseling too. I AM thinking back to the RS a bit too much. Yes, I'm angry at myself to a certain extent, I just feel like its a no win situation. If he changes and decides to stay "Mr Wonderful" to someone, I feel like I'm the loser. If he continues to abuse, I almost feel guilty that I know there is someone out there who is basically a predator preying on others...and I can't do anything about it. I want him stopped and for him to pay. He's like a tornado that blows though peoples lives and leaves them destroyed. Yes, my eyes are WIDE open now.

 

To Hestheone: What happens to these guys? Did yours ever go on to be happy or is it the same story over and over with other women? Do you REALLY think that they can't and never will love? Its hard to fathom that people like this REALLY DO exist. And, I cant understand how women could stay in these RS's with out living with resentment and feeling insane? Anyhow congrats on leaving, and on being able to find a healthy partner.

[hestheone66]

wat happened with him. i am jusz glad hes put of my life and not controllong me

[hestheone66]

what happened with him. i am just glad he's out of my life and not controlling me. all i know is Im happier without him and have grown through the tough times. i was never really resentful when with him. puzzled and pitying.and angry

[bloominnora]

I've read your post and felt compelled to reply because I'd gone through such a similar scenario it's actually weird. For me it was fourteen months, he went straight from a relationship with another to me and straight on to another after me (with some overlap) too, which I found out afterwards from a third party because he didn't want to discuss his previous relationships at all.

 

I had red flags too, him going through my mobile phone and the records on my home phone, him getting mad because I talked to a male. Him being in my company but looking in the other direction and totally ignoring me, then switch on the charm with the very odd snippet which I waited pathetically, longing to hear. He consistently turned up late, leaving me hanging about on tenderhooks, unable to start any new task because he was imminent. He did hit me once, left my chest covered in bruises because it wasn't my face so wasn't visible to others. My personality changed too, but occasionally I'd get a flash of feistiness from somewhere and tell him I didn't need to put up with this, to which he would just laugh and say whatever... he didn't care one bit if we broke up but then I was devastated. The next thing it would be him stating that if I was lucky he'd take me back.

 

He cheated on me too but before I knew about the cheating he'd already broken up with me but was visiting me and texting me. He finished with me with the excuse he didn't like my attitude about an upcoming family photograph session (I didn't want to do it) and he thought I was being pathetic. Then weeks would go by and I'd get a text 'I miss you' and I'd be all over the place again, although it was him who dumped me. He was turning up at my house and we were ending up in bed.

 

I eventually told him I'd had a one night stand, I actually hadn't but I knew he wouldn't touch me with a barge pole after that...it worked. Then he revealed he'd been going out with someone else all along. I have managed now 6 years of no contact but I very occasionally see him and it wrecks me all over again. Even one or two years after the breakup I was insanely jealous of his new girlfriend and had nightmares about them being together, being happy families and feeling it was supposed to be me.

 

I tried dating at first but found the guys unsuitable and didn't take things further. I am also afraid of finding another guy like him so I have been single now for nearly five years. I have learnt that I'd rather be single than be with someone who is unsuitable. It is definately better to be single than with someone who is a control freak.

 

But what astounds me is, how can two women in two different parts of the world and with two different guys have such similar experiences. I've come across this before with some other women too. I thought that guy was one of a kind. So is there a personality profile that I can look out for. If this kind of personality if fairly common, what are the identifiers.

 

The guy was tall, good looking, educated, had a good job and a nice car. I was so pleased to be chosen by him, I couldn't believe my luck! In those first few weeks he treated me like a princess. I had never been treated so well in all my life! It all turned sour after one month, but it was a combination of weird things and brilliant things, which I refered to as 'blowing hot and cold'. And I stuck around like some grateful puppy dog hoping for that pat on the head. The scary thing is he would tell me how stupid and niave I was, and I got that I believed him, and believed that needed him to look after me. I think I still believe it sometimes.

Edited August 30, 2013 by bloominnora

[Hopeful714]

So here I am again. Im having a set back. It's my fault and it brought up more questions I need answers to. So here it goes.

 

I don't do it often...but I was curious to know how the "new relationship" was working out for him. So, not being on facebook, I spied through a friends login address. I knew it could go either way, I prepared for the worst, and I got it.

 

There were the "happy" pictures. They look like they are in "love". She is a beautiful girl and somewhat reminded me of myself. They looked like a nice couple. So many people commented "what a cute couple". He looked very happy. One of the pics showed them dressed very nicely at dinner holding hands...he had dress clothes on. When ever I wore something nice...I was told I was "overdressed". He never dressed up for me.

 

At one time, I was that girl. Looking beautiful and radiant. Confident and secure. Wow...although I'm doing ok...feeling and looking that way seems like a lifetime ago.

 

I know I should not compare myself to her. In a sense from what I know, she is very different from me. She has 2 children from a previous marriage and comes from a large close knit family. I have no children, my family is small. He never met my family or friends...reason being is because there were less events and he really didn't seem to care about my family or friends. But, he sure seems very wrapped up in hers....then again..they "share" many friends from the same circles. We did not. He's going to marry this girl, I just know it...even though I don't really care.

 

She is better for him then I was. He looks as if he is "changing" for her. He looked like the nice charming guy I first met...not like the monster I saw in the end.

 

My issue with this.....Do they really change. Did this girl "fix" this broken man that I could not with her family, children, seemingly positive attitude and love? Is she the "strong" woman he wanted that I could not maintain because he broke me down piece by piece instead of supporting me emotionally so I could support him?

 

I was used. Luckily I ended the game when I did and stopped contact and would not play anymore. The girl after me had it worse...she was made promises too, also lied to and cheated on and dumped for this new one,....not knowing she was transition girl.

 

So, is this how it works? Read my posts. See how this guy was. I know I was partially to blame for staying....but I was manipulated, and he was good at it! You mean to tell me this guy who treated so many girls like garbage, had so many issues, etc. just used us like stepping stones to now his seemingly happy life where he looks like this charming wonderful boyfriend? Do people really change this way?

[Radu]

Wow, that guy was for sure a PD of some sort.

 

In regards to your question.

You probably know this already but PD's would never admit to being wrong.

And that's the first step to fixing something wrong in yourself, humility.

Unless some life-altering event happened in the meantime, most likely he is still playing the same old trick.

The difference is now in the girls, she has 2 things you mentioned you did not have :

- close knit family

- same circle of friends as him

 

Most likely he is moving more carefully with her, because the former means that she has a sense of grounding through her family, that will go against his attempts to warp her version of reality [how he warped yours].

And the latter means that, he might lose his friends in the event of a breakup.

And he needs his friends, he needs to be liked ... afterall, thousands of girls want him ... don't they ?

 

PS: It's unhealthy to be still preoccupied with this guy, just erase him from your mind.

Unless the mention of his name stirs nothing [not even curiosity], you are not over him.

[Hopeful714]

Thank you Radu. I tend to agree with everything you said. He is moving more carefully. Somewhere I do believe he wants everything in his world to "look" normal, and truly wants normal. Who doesn't. He certainly is in a position now where he must "act" more normal. Can he really keep this up though?

 

Funny, how he seems to be hanging these days more with a "different" set of friends opposed to the ones I met when I was with him. Or, maybe I was kept "hidden" from this set of friends all along. Also I recall a day I was leaving his house when friends were present and surprisingly he came over to kiss me good bye. At the time I was a bit "shocked" because I was already being devalued. Anyhow I remember him saying "it looks good."

 

And yes, this is unhealthy and I realize that. I do not want him back nor do I pine for "him" but at times I still reflect back to the person I thought he was (the person he is now, or is pretending to be now) and of course I still wonder what it was about "me" that turned him away from me. And why couldn't he just break it off "normally" instead of putting me through this.

 

In my heart of hearts, I wish him what ever it is he deserves. Good or bad. Whatever it is he truly, truly deserves.

 

I suppose this is still the long lingering after effects of emotional abuse. I pray for the day that I am completely healed from this and he is "erased" from my mind forever. However, I question ....can that really be, as this has now become part of my history that cannot be rewritten.

[turnera]

Pictures are easy to fake. He's doing the exact same things to her as he did to you. She may be more desperate, needing a dad for her kids, but she won't be any happier.

[turnera]

I pray for the day that I am completely healed from this and he is "erased" from my mind forever. However, I question ....can that really be, as this has now become part of my history that cannot be rewritten.

You say you didn't think therapy helped, but the main reason you need it is to work on your self esteem. Find one who works with that. One who will give you homework to start improving your self worth.

 

Once you do that, you won't waste a single second on thinking about him. In fact, you'll thank him for being the impetus to get help and learn to love yourself.

[sjm]

I've read your post and felt compelled to reply because I'd gone through such a similar scenario it's actually weird. For me it was fourteen months, he went straight from a relationship with another to me and straight on to another after me (with some overlap) too, which I found out afterwards from a third party because he didn't want to discuss his previous relationships at all.

 

I had red flags too, him going through my mobile phone and the records on my home phone, him getting mad because I talked to a male. Him being in my company but looking in the other direction and totally ignoring me, then switch on the charm with the very odd snippet which I waited pathetically, longing to hear. He consistently turned up late, leaving me hanging about on tenderhooks, unable to start any new task because he was imminent. He did hit me once, left my chest covered in bruises because it wasn't my face so wasn't visible to others. My personality changed too, but occasionally I'd get a flash of feistiness from somewhere and tell him I didn't need to put up with this, to which he would just laugh and say whatever... he didn't care one bit if we broke up but then I was devastated. The next thing it would be him stating that if I was lucky he'd take me back.

 

He cheated on me too but before I knew about the cheating he'd already broken up with me but was visiting me and texting me. He finished with me with the excuse he didn't like my attitude about an upcoming family photograph session (I didn't want to do it) and he thought I was being pathetic. Then weeks would go by and I'd get a text 'I miss you' and I'd be all over the place again, although it was him who dumped me. He was turning up at my house and we were ending up in bed.

 

I eventually told him I'd had a one night stand, I actually hadn't but I knew he wouldn't touch me with a barge pole after that...it worked. Then he revealed he'd been going out with someone else all along. I have managed now 6 years of no contact but I very occasionally see him and it wrecks me all over again. Even one or two years after the breakup I was insanely jealous of his new girlfriend and had nightmares about them being together, being happy families and feeling it was supposed to be me.

 

I tried dating at first but found the guys unsuitable and didn't take things further. I am also afraid of finding another guy like him so I have been single now for nearly five years. I have learnt that I'd rather be single than be with someone who is unsuitable. It is definately better to be single than with someone who is a control freak.

 

But what astounds me is, how can two women in two different parts of the world and with two different guys have such similar experiences. I've come across this before with some other women too. I thought that guy was one of a kind. So is there a personality profile that I can look out for. If this kind of personality if fairly common, what are the identifiers.

 

The guy was tall, good looking, educated, had a good job and a nice car. I was so pleased to be chosen by him, I couldn't believe my luck! In those first few weeks he treated me like a princess. I had never been treated so well in all my life! It all turned sour after one month, but it was a combination of weird things and brilliant things, which I refered to as 'blowing hot and cold'. And I stuck around like some grateful puppy dog hoping for that pat on the head. The scary thing is he would tell me how stupid and niave I was, and I got that I believed him, and believed that needed him to look after me. I think I still believe it sometimes.

 

Make it 3 woman

[2sunny]

I think when you view pictures of them - you should pity her - for soon she will know the hell he will dish out to her. He needs a willing victim - that indicates she's weak and malleable. The abuser can smell his vulnerable prey a mile away = they choose wisely - it's less work for the sociopaths and narcissistic ones.

 

What do you want from a man - and how can you get THAT FROM YOURSELF?

 

Like energy attracts - stay strong and confident - that way you won't be tempted by the crappy men around.

 

 

Also - the manipulative a users tend to be very charming - they have to - to make up for their bad behavior.

 

 

A balanced man is much more loving - and especially nice when I feel safe with him.

[Hopeful714]

Hi

 

Felt compelled to write today. I've been doing pretty good I guess, but still haven't dated. It's hard to meet available nice men. I'm not much into bars, nor internet dating, so yea meeting people is one thing...finding a connection even tougher. Plus, I'm not exactly a spring chicken anymore...but Im still considered attractive I would think.

 

I'm enjoying the peace in my life these days, although sometimes it gets a bit lonely. I'll take that pain though over being where I was.

 

So, as titled, I peeked again. Not sure what made me do it. And it really didn't affect me much...... as it was like looking at a stranger.

 

He loves her...or so he says. She's young and hot. Seems to flaunt herself. They refer to their relationship as "beauty and the beast". There are "self" pics posted of them lying in bed naked (under covers) after having sex. People are just flocking with the "likes" and "what a cute couple" comments. Who really does this? I cant imagine myself ever doing something like that no matter how much "in love" I was. I find it weird. Immature actually. Am I the one off here?

 

One thing I noticed though that I found odd. She seems so happy, so bold, so confident and in charge of this relationship, so willing to flaunt it, as well as herself,... and he looked tired. Real tired, and somewhat drained. His eyes looked glossed over in every recent shot. Maybe hes just high on love...lol. This girl will be a handful for him. He's actually going to have to behave, submit, spend money, be a real boyfriend and/or husband. He got exactly what he wanted...someone "hot" to baby and idolize him for a great image. And where the heck are her kids? Where are the happy family shots of all of them together? Do mothers of little kids really do this kind of crap?

 

Maybe he finally grew up. Maybe he really does love her. He never loved me. But it don't matter. Its been over....for a long time. And I wouldn't change a thing or have him back even if I could. Its all just a bad memory of a horrible experience in my life. I guess I am just to keep "moving on" and wish them well.

[me85]

Hi Hopeful.

 

I recently just got out of an emotionally damaging relationship much like the one you were in.

 

Except my ex was also physically abusive on top of everything else.

 

He too, would say horrid things during fights. He really seemed like pure evil deep down and so spiteful. But at the same time so charming. ?

 

I KNOW my ex is either bipolar or a sociopath. He is definiely narcissistic.

 

I'm so sorry for what you went through. (Hugs)

 

You sound like a wonderful, smart woman. There's no doubt in my mind that you will heal completely from this and meet someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated.

 

Like you, I still love someone who treated me very badly (in fact, worse than any of my other BFs.)

 

I wish he would do a complete turn around for me & be the man I know he COULD be if he only wanted to be, but that's just the thing...he's not & he won't be. He is such a boy. I struggle with how I ever fell in love with him in the first place, but then again, he was different in those days.

 

People change. Sometimes for the worst. All you can do is move on with your life and let go of their memory.

 

Hang tough!

Edited November 16, 2013 by me85

[turnera]

Did you start going to counseling like you said you would?

[Hopeful714]

Unfortunately not.

 

Truth is, they guy I was seeing, I didn't think it was helping much. He was a counselor...so I looked into seeing someone else. Found a few PhD women I would have liked to go, to but at over 100 bucks an hour...I just can't afford it right now. (I have a huge deductible to meet before things are covered.) So, I've been going it on my own.

 

Really, I HAVE been doing well. So I'm not exactly sure how or why all this emotion began to bubble up again. It could be the holiday's approaching, recent things with family and/or just tired of being alone all the time. Most of my friends are married/busy with kids.

 

Also, I do accept what happened. And the part I played. I know I would not let this happen again and would run if I ever sensed the "signs" or felt my boundaries were not being respected. I also know, I can't expect anyone to fill any voids I may have. I understand that.

 

Their is however still just a tinge of anger (at myself as well as him) that pokes me at times but then it quickly goes. And he doesn't always reside in my thoughts either. The word "forgiveness" though still seems impossible. He's hurt too many...and whether his "latest" is the real thing or not....I just can't get there.

 

To sum it up, I'm feeling some resentment and bitterness I guess over the fact that I AM a good person, with a big heart and much to give and lots to offer...yet I sit here alone while he goes off and appears to be "happy?" with someone else who seems to think he's wonderful.

 

I know life sometimes isn't fair...but really...that bites!

 

Thanks for listening...I never talk about this with anyone anymore.

[me85]

We're always here for ya girl!