Ramza Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I never thought the day would come where I would cheat on somebody who puts their heart into this relationship. It seems as though he puts more into it than I do, and after 7 months with him, my feelings just aren't growing for him anymore. We went to New York, Miami and India within a 7 month period, but its just the emotional chemistry that something just isn't right. So I confessed to him that I'm seeing someone else and that this guy fulfills me, excites me, surprises me like I want and he sweeps me off my feet. Of course my bf got upset, and I literally could not crying in front of him. It was just a sad state of affairs, even he started crying a little. Anyway, the guy I cheated on him with is a co-worker that I've known now for 5 months. He comes by my desk and visits me, and he just makes me feel whole and complete. I know I may seem selfish but I just need someone to make me feel complete. So we went out on dates and we've kissed, but one thing that I am concerned about is his baggae and things he is going through right now. This is whats bother me: He is 9 years older than me (I'm 25 and he's 34). He is divorced with two kids - all of them who live in Chicago and we are currently in Virginia. He also said he was talking to a girl in Bolivia at one point until she stopped emailing him all together. He used to serve in the military but no longer does. I don't know much about him and his ex-wife, but I know he recently went to Chicago to see his kids, and him and his ex-wife took pictures together with the kids and snapped video with them on a carousel with the kids. The ex-wife has a blog that I read and it talks about how he was the one who filed the divorce on her, and she sounds like a really depressed, unhappy individual who also talks down on one of her kids that she says she did not physically give birth to. Weird! Anyhow, how worried should I be? We've been talking on that level now for 2 months, but I don't know if this will be something that will last and provide me with the things I want in a relationship. I'm not sure if he has to pay child support or not for these kids, and when he goes over there, the constant reminder that he is close to his ex-wife can be mind boggling. What issues do you see? Should I get involved with this guy who I see everyday at my job? Thanks. Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Based on your post, you disgust me. 15 Link to post Share on other sites
supaflyz Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) I'm sorry but you are going to regret this. This is a terrible thing to do. You also work with this guy. If things don't work out then its going to be extremely awkward. I feel bad and empathize with your ex boyfriend. What a terrible way to break up. Not only did you cheat on him, but you come on here to ask if you are doing the right thing and how you should proceed with this other guy. I hope you will regret this for a very long time. Karma is a bi-ch. Edited August 12, 2013 by supaflyz 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I never thought the day would come where I would cheat on somebody who puts their heart into this relationship. It seems as though he puts more into it than I do, and after 7 months with him, my feelings just aren't growing for him anymore. We went to New York, Miami and India within a 7 month period, but its just the emotional chemistry that something just isn't right. So I confessed to him that I'm seeing someone else and that this guy fulfills me, excites me, surprises me like I want and he sweeps me off my feet. Of course my bf got upset, and I literally could not crying in front of him. It was just a sad state of affairs, even he started crying a little. Anyway, the guy I cheated on him with is a co-worker that I've known now for 5 months. He comes by my desk and visits me, and he just makes me feel whole and complete. I know I may seem selfish but I just need someone to make me feel complete. So we went out on dates and we've kissed, but one thing that I am concerned about is his baggae and things he is going through right now. This is whats bother me: He is 9 years older than me (I'm 25 and he's 34). He is divorced with two kids - all of them who live in Chicago and we are currently in Virginia. He also said he was talking to a girl in Bolivia at one point until she stopped emailing him all together. He used to serve in the military but no longer does. I don't know much about him and his ex-wife, but I know he recently went to Chicago to see his kids, and him and his ex-wife took pictures together with the kids and snapped video with them on a carousel with the kids. The ex-wife has a blog that I read and it talks about how he was the one who filed the divorce on her, and she sounds like a really depressed, unhappy individual who also talks down on one of her kids that she says she did not physically give birth to. Weird! Anyhow, how worried should I be? We've been talking on that level now for 2 months, but I don't know if this will be something that will last and provide me with the things I want in a relationship. I'm not sure if he has to pay child support or not for these kids, and when he goes over there, the constant reminder that he is close to his ex-wife can be mind boggling. What issues do you see? Should I get involved with this guy who I see everyday at my job? Thanks. As an outsider, I see a couple of things that are concerning.....you MAY or may not get a positive response for most of these people on here who many have been hurt by individuals who cheated on them. I don't judge so it is what it is. Cheating on someone, even if you didnt mean it, is pretty crappy to do to someone. With that said, better to let the BF know and move on from there. You already feel bad, so no reason to rehash it. Don't give the ex BF hope, dont apologize anymore, dont do anything. Get out of his life if you dont want to be in it. With this new guy....did he know you were cheating? If I was seeing a girl and knew she was cheating on a guy, I would stop it there until she broke up. If he knew and still went on with it, not much of a character guy. They always say "Never dip your pin in the company ink" which is funny, but also pretty true. I find its never a good idea to get involved with someone at work, but people are different than me. Some ex-husbands and wives can get along with the other for their childrens sake, so that may be the case. However, he seems to be on a much different level than you. The best thing to do is: ask. If you want something, ask. Tell him how you feel about it and tell him the truth. IF you want my personal opinion, without a great deal of information, it feels like there could be something still with his ex that might have to be looked into. How long have they been divorced? You also want to look inside yourself to see if this is someone you really think it will work with. You left a relationship for something you think is better, but is it really? Only you can answer that. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
reddragon588 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 If you are cheating on your boyfriend, you should break up with him, rather than subject him to that pain. He needs to start moving on, and you aren't letting him do that. Second, I might suggest taking a break from the dating world. It does not seem you know what you want from a mate right now. You are cheating on the boyfriend, but you also have reservations about the one you are cheating on him with. Maybe you need to figure out what you want. But yeah, I'm sorry, but I can't stand when people cheat. Link to post Share on other sites
lop98 Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 You're already involved... emotionally, even physically. You sound deluded in your post, like out on a fun trip in me-me-me land, which is fantasy. What happens with your boyfriend? who knows! how he feels? ugh, no time to torment yourself thinking about him!, how you come across with divorced guy? like you think you come across, a charming girl in a relationship where the guy "fails" to provide that little "something" missing... and the wife is nuts, and divorced guy is confused but it may all grow into something beautiful and genuine .... One can give a lot of advice but when people enter in that room, it's better just to sit and watch... This is that moment in life where one casual mistake takes you on a nasty journey of betrayal and regret and your life is never the same again. I do believe that things happen for a reason... this is a good opportunity for your boyfriend to break free from you... and this is an opportunity for you to mess it up big time, come out hurt like you've never been and discover feelings that were evidently strange to you until now, like humiliation and abandonment, and who knows, with enough luck, maybe you'll learn a thing or two for life... Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 What issues do you see? Should I get involved with this guy who I see everyday at my job? The issue is that you're playing both sides out of your own self-interest. If you respect either man, break up with one and stick to the other. No one likes a person who tries to have their cake and eat it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Based on your post, you disgust me. People are only human. Everyone makes mistakes. Is the weather nice up there? I must be in the minority that if its not helping anyone, why comment? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
HoneyBadgerDontCare Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 People are only human. Everyone makes mistakes. Is the weather nice up there? I must be in the minority that if its not helping anyone, why comment? Morally wrong is morally wrong. Being unapologetic about it makes it worse. If a person does something that is blatantly wrong (such as this), they CAN and SHOULD be judged for it. Being "only human" is not a valid excuse. Humans are also capable of self-restraint and self-discipline. She should have exercised those particular human traits in this case. So OP, nothing good will come from this situation....and you've earned that. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Yep...her post basically translates into "me me me me me". She's treating her current boyfriend as the backup plan Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Morally wrong is morally wrong. Being unapologetic about it makes it worse. If a person does something that is blatantly wrong (such as this), they CAN and SHOULD be judged for it. Being "only human" is not a valid excuse. Humans are also capable of self-restraint and self-discipline. She should have exercised those particular human traits in this case. So OP, nothing good will come from this situation....and you've earned that. Well....cant say I totally disagree with what you say, so good rebuttal. I guess I feel this site isnt about just putting someone on blast because they made a mistake, but rather helping someone with their problems. Many times on this site, because of what we went through with our ex, we tend to paint with a broad brush if you catch my drift. I DEFIANTLY think, however, if these "dates" were planned while having a BF, then maybe I would feel different than what I do. I think more of the story needs to be said in order for me to try and help here. Little is known about this situation for me to try and understand it. What I DO think is the OP doesnt need to date anyone currently. Cheating on Guy A for Guy B, then Guy B seeming to be very complex and a mixture of OP being a little out of her head currently. I don't think anything good will come of this either. Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Yep...her post basically translates into "me me me me me". She's treating her current boyfriend as the backup plan I dont think she ever said "I still care about my current BF and I dont know who to choose." I think she made it clear of her decision when she TOLD her boyfriend. You mentioned that earlier and I was wondering where you got that from. The OP's question was "what do I do about guy 2 in terms of being with him" not "What guy do I choose." I think many of us on here are so intertwined with our own stories on the BU site, we forget that we are to help on this site, not castrate. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I dont think she ever said "I still care about my current BF and I dont know who to choose."No it's quite obvious that she doesn't care about her curret BF and she definitely wouldn't choose him as her first choice The impression I'm getting is that she's unsure about leaving for the other man so she's keeping her BF around as the fallback option 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ConfusedHumanBeing Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 No it's quite obvious that she doesn't care about her curret BF and she definitely wouldn't choose him as her first choice The impression I'm getting is that she's unsure about leaving for the other man so she's keeping her BF around as the fallback option Yeah maybe. It would be nice to know the rest of the story. She says she went out with her ex for 7 months, knew the other guy for 5, and having been "talking like that" for two months. SO two months while she was still in a relationship with her boyfriend? I think we can ALL agree though, that she doesnt need to be dating anyone....correct? Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 The OP sounds very matter of fact and calculated. I'm certain she has a clear concept as to what she will proceed with and is simply curious about what other people think. You are playing with fire but you just don't know it, you already managed to hurt one person's feelings and with this "new guy" you aren't even sure if you will like to proceed with him due to his status quo. Something will come out of this sooner or later that will eventually teach you a thing or two about life and relationships and realize that the world does not revolve around you. I apologize but I'm not certain that I have anything productive to render to you at this point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 This is a hit and run thread. The OP isn't coming back. (of course, when I write this, they usually come back...so, don't quote me on this) Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ramza Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 As an outsider, I see a couple of things that are concerning.....you MAY or may not get a positive response for most of these people on here who many have been hurt by individuals who cheated on them. I don't judge so it is what it is. Cheating on someone, even if you didnt mean it, is pretty crappy to do to someone. With that said, better to let the BF know and move on from there. You already feel bad, so no reason to rehash it. Don't give the ex BF hope, dont apologize anymore, dont do anything. Get out of his life if you dont want to be in it. With this new guy....did he know you were cheating? If I was seeing a girl and knew she was cheating on a guy, I would stop it there until she broke up. If he knew and still went on with it, not much of a character guy. They always say "Never dip your pin in the company ink" which is funny, but also pretty true. I find its never a good idea to get involved with someone at work, but people are different than me. Some ex-husbands and wives can get along with the other for their childrens sake, so that may be the case. However, he seems to be on a much different level than you. The best thing to do is: ask. If you want something, ask. Tell him how you feel about it and tell him the truth. IF you want my personal opinion, without a great deal of information, it feels like there could be something still with his ex that might have to be looked into. How long have they been divorced? You also want to look inside yourself to see if this is someone you really think it will work with. You left a relationship for something you think is better, but is it really? Only you can answer that. He just filed for divorce this past June. He does everything I want him to do. He surprises me, he visits me, he pays attention to me. He and I had been talking like that since April. I know I hurt my ex-bf but he just didn't give me what I wanted. I wasn't happy and my feelings just weren't growing. So what is wrong with finding something that makes you happy?!?! And I don't like dating, I like relationships. I never could understand dating and don't like being with multiple people at once. In high school, I knew nothing about relationships until I got to college. When I was in high school I would simply be in a relationship for a few months, three months later dump him find someone else. I kept doing this several times but I never was single for 5 years. Link to post Share on other sites
JDPT Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 (edited) wrong post Edited August 13, 2013 by JDPT wrong post Link to post Share on other sites
Sneaky Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I know I hurt my ex-bf but he just didn't give me what I wanted. I wasn't happy and my feelings just weren't growing. So what is wrong with finding something that makes you happy?!?! Well obviously, doing it while still together with someone else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 He just filed for divorce this past June. He does everything I want him to do. He surprises me, he visits me, he pays attention to me. He and I had been talking like that since April. I know I hurt my ex-bf but he just didn't give me what I wanted. I wasn't happy and my feelings just weren't growing. So what is wrong with finding something that makes you happy?!?! And I don't like dating, I like relationships. I never could understand dating and don't like being with multiple people at once. In high school, I knew nothing about relationships until I got to college. When I was in high school I would simply be in a relationship for a few months, three months later dump him find someone else. I kept doing this several times but I never was single for 5 years. So, if everything is perfect in your universe, why are you even posting here? What exactly are you looking for? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Ramza Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 So, if everything is perfect in your universe, why are you even posting here? What exactly are you looking for? I am trying to get your feedback on the new guy I met. Do you think this is a good catch? Link to post Share on other sites
bubbaganoosh Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Well maybe your current boyfriend wasn't giving you what you need but IMO, the new guy is saying everything you want to hear and telling you that your the greatest thing since sliced bread and a bag of chips and sooner or later your going to be foolish enough to let him have his way with you and believing all those little sweet things that he's whispering in your ear and after it's all over, you just might wake up enough to realize that he used you for his own personal satisfaction. Then and only then will you feel the pain. The kind of pain of being used, you know, just like you did to your current boyfriend when you laid all this crap on him. I might be wrong but I don't think so. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Babolat Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 What's the question here? Are you looking for advise on the new guy or the old? Link to post Share on other sites
LostInTheWild Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I am trying to get your feedback on the new guy I met. Do you think this is a good catch? No. He is not a good catch. He has too much baggage for you and you are too young to put up with that (you'll find out soon enough). Are you going to like him visiting his ex and his children? It could be perfect for him, you never know (and what you don't know won't hurt you). And those thoughts you have of not knowing what's going on now will eat you up and ruin the relationship anyway. He filed for divorce in June this year? Girl, he might not even be over her yet... Watch out...I think you're going to be in a world of hurt. I had to learn the hard way. Link to post Share on other sites
BeholdtheMan Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I am trying to get your feedback on the new guy I met. Do you think this is a good catch?*shakes head* I'm glad that he's your ex-BF. At least he is free now. There's nothing wrong with pursuing happiness. There's something wrong with betraying people to seek your own happiness. Next time, instead of cheating and then breaking up...try to break up first before seeing another man 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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