Cheating in a LDR

[campfire]

Since I joined this forum about a week ago I've read many threads on infidelity. I pick up alot of good insight and most of it can be applied to my relationship as well. But in a LDR there are also quite a few things that gets different when there is cheating involved.

 

My GF cheated on me. We're in a long distance relationship. She has apologized and moved on. I'm still struggling to handle it, but I've done alot of healing since it happened 2 months ago. The hardest part is building trust again.

 

How do you go about cheating in a LDR?

[NotCamelot]

 

How do you go about cheating in a LDR?

 

 

I don't understand this. Are you asking "how" to do it?

[MissBee]

Since I joined this forum about a week ago I've read many threads on infidelity. I pick up alot of good insight and most of it can be applied to my relationship as well. But in a LDR there are also quite a few things that gets different when there is cheating involved.

 

My GF cheated on me. We're in a long distance relationship. She has apologized and moved on. I'm still struggling to handle it, but I've done alot of healing since it happened 2 months ago. The hardest part is building trust again.

 

How do you go about cheating in a LDR?

 

What does distance have to do with it?

 

If you decided to be in an exclusive relationship and go behind your partner's back and cheat, whether or not you are long distance shouldn't matter.

 

It's no different really....so you address it as you would in any other relationship.

 

It would probably be harder though for me to trust that person again if we remain long distance, as the added aspect of not being around them to verify certain things for myself will send my paranoia into overdrive that they're cheating again and I'd never know.

[will1988]

I think cheating in an LDR is a whole lot easier than cheating when you live in the same town, let alone same house as your partner. How do they do it? They say stuff like "I have an urgent meeting (late at night)" or "I'm seeing my friends" etc... They can do it easily because they believe that since you are not there that there will be no ramifications for their actions. What you don't know won't hurt you kind of thing.

[campfire]

What does distance have to do with it?

 

If you decided to be in an exclusive relationship and go behind your partner's back and cheat, whether or not you are long distance shouldn't matter.

 

It's no different really....so you address it as you would in any other relationship.

 

It would probably be harder though for me to trust that person again if we remain long distance, as the added aspect of not being around them to verify certain things for myself will send my paranoia into overdrive that they're cheating again and I'd never know.

 

Yes, that bolded part. Thats my issue. She cheated on me and is doing everything on her side to keep things transparent (giving me passwords to her FB, mail) but at the same time she is the kind of person who doesn't dwell too much on past mistakes so it hurts for her whenever I bring the issue up.

 

I feel insecure, so I need reassurances. I feel like I can't trust her fully, yet she is doing what she can to be transparent. She tells me she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and I believe her. I'm just afraid she might cheat on me again.

 

Had we not been long distance, a lot of my insecurities would fade quite fast I think.

[campfire]

I don't understand this. Are you asking "how" to do it?

 

No, I'm asking how to deal with it when it happens in a LDR. LDR usually requires more trust than a "normal" relationship because it's so easy for both parties to keep secrets from one another.

[Try]

My GF cheated on me. We're in a long distance relationship. She has apologized and moved on.

As the cheater, she does not get to dictate when to move on, you are the only one that gets to do that. She wants to rug sweep this as if it was no big deal, yet to you it is a big deal. The truth is it has been only a couple of months and that is not nearly enough time for the average person to heal under even the best of circumstances. This is not the best of circumstances in that this is a LDR and she is a rug sweeper. You are not insecure when you have good reason to be concerned.

 

she is the kind of person who doesn't dwell too much on past mistakes so it hurts for her whenever I bring the issue up.

She is not truly remorseful for her cheating when she is more concerned about her feelings rather than yours. She wants there to be no consequences for her cheating, not even the consequence of having to feel bad.

 

I'm just afraid she might cheat on me again.

The fact that she wants to rug sweep and move on so fast, is cause for concern since this is a common trait of someone that will cheat again.

[Darren Steez]

Yes, that bolded part. Thats my issue. She cheated on me and is doing everything on her side to keep things transparent (giving me passwords to her FB, mail) but at the same time she is the kind of person who doesn't dwell too much on past mistakes so it hurts for her whenever I bring the issue up.

 

I feel insecure, so I need reassurances. I feel like I can't trust her fully, yet she is doing what she can to be transparent. She tells me she loves me and wants to spend the rest of her life with me, and I believe her. I'm just afraid she might cheat on me again.

 

Had we not been long distance, a lot of my insecurities would fade quite fast I think.

 

You're in a quandary. See can give you all the passwords to her emails but forgive me for being blunt..so what?

 

You're not there. You dont see who see calls, or whom she meets with. You cant police her, so all you're left doing is wondering what she's up to and getting panic attacks.

 

Firstly who did she cheat with? Why did she cheat? Why won't it happen again? If she's one not to dwell on past mistakes and moves on then that's a non runner. What did she learn from it? She may have moved on but you haven't..and if she hasn't learned the lesson...what stops her from doing it again? You need to answer this before you move forward.

 

Words are words buddy. She loves you, wants to spend the rest of her life with you...but...she did what she did.

[campfire]

Firstly who did she cheat with? Why did she cheat? Why won't it happen again? If she's one not to dwell on past mistakes and moves on then that's a non runner. What did she learn from it? She may have moved on but you haven't..and if she hasn't learned the lesson...what stops her from doing it again? You need to answer this before you move forward.

 

Words are words buddy. She loves you, wants to spend the rest of her life with you...but...she did what she did.

 

She and her friends became close with this guy from abroad who was on exchange at her university. They would go out as a group and have fun, and the last night before he was to leave they spent the night together and had sex. Apparently she was drunk and high and tried to resist it, but it makes it no different in my book. The next morning they made out at the airport. She probably wont see the guy again ever unless she travels half the world in which case I would find out.

 

It won't happen again because she has realized the seriousness in our relationship and she has learned not to take me for granted. She showed some serious weakness and made a big mistake. She enjoyed the intimacy she got from the sex (obviously we are both starved and need intimacy), but she regreted it afterwards. She kept it a secret because she knew how hurt I would get if I knew. These are her words which I want to trust but I'm not fully able to at this point.

 

I'm seing her in a week. Would it make it any better if I secretly snooked in her cell phone and skype account when there? I'm pretty sure I would find fishy stuff if there is any. If I ask her to check it together its gonna create a really bad vibe and I also want to enjoy our time when together.

[Sanman]

She and her friends became close with this guy from abroad who was on exchange at her university. They would go out as a group and have fun, and the last night before he was to leave they spent the night together and had sex. Apparently she was drunk and high and tried to resist it, but it makes it no different in my book. The next morning they made out at the airport. She probably wont see the guy again ever unless she travels half the world in which case I would find out.

 

Yeah, that does not make sense. You don't make out with the guy that you just made a huge mistake with the night before. Don't snoop, it is silly and will not prove a thing. She can make friends with any guy and sleep with him without all that stuff. If you can't trust her, end it.

[Bryanp]

She tried to resist him but had sex with him and then the next day made out with him at the airport...What is wrong with this picture?

 

Time to open your eyes. Your so-called girlfriend gets drunk and high and has probably unprotected sex with a foreign student and makes out with him the next day as well. I think you are quite foolish to remain in this relationship. Do you feel proud that she is your girlfriend? You did not screw around but she did.

 

Why do you feel that you need to settle for a cheater as a girlfriend?

[Nyla]

Since I joined this forum about a week ago I've read many threads on infidelity. I pick up alot of good insight and most of it can be applied to my relationship as well. But in a LDR there are also quite a few things that gets different when there is cheating involved.

 

My GF cheated on me. We're in a long distance relationship. She has apologized and moved on. I'm still struggling to handle it, but I've done alot of healing since it happened 2 months ago. The hardest part is building trust again.

 

How do you go about cheating in a LDR?

 

This thread belongs in the LDR section.

 

Cheating is one reason I don't believe in LDRs. It is much easier to be unfaithful when one of the partners lives far away. I am not saying that LDRs are never successful but they are unrealistic.

 

How long have you been with your girlfriend?

[Darren Steez]

She and her friends became close with this guy from abroad who was on exchange at her university. They would go out as a group and have fun, and the last night before he was to leave they spent the night together and had sex. Apparently she was drunk and high and tried to resist it, but it makes it no different in my book. The next morning they made out at the airport. She probably wont see the guy again ever unless she travels half the world in which case I would find out.

 

It won't happen again because she has realized the seriousness in our relationship and she has learned not to take me for granted. She showed some serious weakness and made a big mistake. She enjoyed the intimacy she got from the sex (obviously we are both starved and need intimacy), but she regreted it afterwards. She kept it a secret because she knew how hurt I would get if I knew. These are her words which I want to trust but I'm not fully able to at this point.

 

I'm seing her in a week. Would it make it any better if I secretly snooked in her cell phone and skype account when there? I'm pretty sure I would find fishy stuff if there is any. If I ask her to check it together its gonna create a really bad vibe and I also want to enjoy our time when together.

What's the point, she has a computer, she can buy another phone or just use a payphone if the guy is local.

 

So in essence this is what happened.

 

She met a guy, was attracted to him (stuff just suddenly doesn't happen, there's an attraction from there it builds).

 

She knew she liked him (and probably vice versa) went out with him.

 

During the night there will have been flirting ad escalation going on, probably during that time in the very least decided what she would do.

 

Left the place to go whereever they did it

 

They had sex

 

Woke up, got dressed, went to the airport and still kissed made out

 

Tell me something. Where is the mistake there?

 

I separated the sentences for you to see there is a long chain of decisions that lead to cheating. She had alot of outs, she could have stopped it but didn't. She still went to the airport the morning after and made out with him, so this wasn't the drink at fault. She still wanted him.

 

Again, my point. She had an attraction and she acted on it. What's to stop it happening again? You say she won't because she sees how serious your relationship is? Didn't stop her the first time, and since she "moves on quickly" from her decisions, wants you to move on and hasn't had any consequences from you for her actions, has she really learned anything?

 

To be honest dude, that would be a deal breaker for me. No point in checking her skype or any of that nonsense. Dating is essentially an audition, and she failed.

[campfire]

Yeah, that does not make sense. You don't make out with the guy that you just made a huge mistake with the night before. Don't snoop, it is silly and will not prove a thing. She can make friends with any guy and sleep with him without all that stuff. If you can't trust her, end it.

 

The making out when saying goodbye is actually the most hurtful action for me. She was sober, had just done something really wrong the night before and still decided to kiss him.

 

I guess there is a fine line between

A) Wanting to believe it won't happen again and that she is fully invested in me emotionally

B) Trusting the above

 

About not facing consequences for her actions, well its hard to punish someone in a LDR. I could go no-contact for days/weeks and I regret not doing that because in hindsight i kinda feel like a doormat. But going non-contact in a LDR is not the same as non-contact in a normal relationship.

 

What I did do was bring up the issue and remind her how hurt I was and remind her of the bad decisions she made. That cup is now filled, punishing her further is only going to weaken our relationship at this point.

[campfire]

What's the point, she has a computer, she can buy another phone or just use a payphone if the guy is local.

 

So in essence this is what happened.

 

She met a guy, was attracted to him (stuff just suddenly doesn't happen, there's an attraction from there it builds).

 

She knew she liked him (and probably vice versa) went out with him.

 

During the night there will have been flirting ad escalation going on, probably during that time in the very least decided what she would do.

 

Left the place to go whereever they did it

 

They had sex

 

Woke up, got dressed, went to the airport and still kissed made out

 

Tell me something. Where is the mistake there?

 

I separated the sentences for you to see there is a long chain of decisions that lead to cheating. She had alot of outs, she could have stopped it but didn't. She still went to the airport the morning after and made out with him, so this wasn't the drink at fault. She still wanted him.

 

Again, my point. She had an attraction and she acted on it. What's to stop it happening again? You say she won't because she sees how serious your relationship is? Didn't stop her the first time, and since she "moves on quickly" from her decisions, wants you to move on and hasn't had any consequences from you for her actions, has she really learned anything?

 

To be honest dude, that would be a deal breaker for me. No point in checking her skype or any of that nonsense. Dating is essentially an audition, and she failed.

 

I think she has learned because Iam the first long term commitment she made that lasted more than a year. Its also the first LDR any of us have been in. We are 14 months old at this point. For her it was a huge eye-opener. Will it stop her from doing it again? Well that is something I want to believe, I have to believe it to be able to trust her. This is a question I ask myself whenever I think about this issue. She reassures me by telling me that she is now very aware of her boundaries, she showed a kind of weakness that is not really her, and she is taking steps to never get into that position again.

 

I get what you are saying. She had alot of outs and it wasn't just one mistake, it was a whole bunch of them. If this was someone I had just been dating for a few weeks I would have left. But we have both invested some serious effort into making us happen and I want to give it a shot. It's probably a huge risk, but the reward seems way bigger (maybe this is where my logic is inferior to yours, naturally because I love the woman). And I want to know what more I can do on my side to let this thing go and be with her without fear.

[Darren Steez]

I think she has learned because Iam the first long term commitment she made that lasted more than a year. Its also the first LDR any of us have been in. We are 14 months old at this point. For her it was a huge eye-opener. Will it stop her from doing it again? Well that is something I want to believe, I have to believe it to be able to trust her. This is a question I ask myself whenever I think about this issue. She reassures me by telling me that she is now very aware of her boundaries, she showed a kind of weakness that is not really her, and she is taking steps to never get into that position again.

 

I get what you are saying. She had alot of outs and it wasn't just one mistake, it was a whole bunch of them. If this was someone I had just been dating for a few weeks I would have left. But we have both invested some serious effort into making us happen and I want to give it a shot. It's probably a huge risk, but the reward seems way bigger (maybe this is where my logic is inferior to yours, naturally because I love the woman). And I want to know what more I can do on my side to let this thing go and be with her without fear.

 

My friend it's not about inferior logic at all, you are speaking with your heart, people in relationships do often.

 

You trust me on this, I did the same. I was cheated on, and swept it under the rug. 5 years I had spent with this woman, in your words, you invest alot of time and emotion. And just like you I thought, if we make it out of this, it will make us stronger but I learned the hard way that once that boundary has been crossed, it progressively gets easier and easier. And just like your GF, my ex was sincere, real tears, real emotion. Even when the red flags started being hoisted I ignored them, I wanted to show I was a better man, that I could forgive and trust again. You end up justifying alot of BS that is shoveled right in your face.

 

My thing is, she didn't respect you enough to stop herself sleeping with him. She then got up, most probably had more sex, went to the airport and made put with him. It's not about boundaries, that's just a buzz word that has no meaning in your case. Crossing a boundary is when you realize a friendship is becoming something more serious. so she didn't just cross the boundary, she took a grenade to it and blew it up.

 

You're LD, are you ever going to live together? Are you LD indefinitely? She still didnt answer why she did it? And where were you in her thoughts? Did she think about you..and if she did, why didn't she stop. You ask her that and see what she says because anything other than I did think of you but I went ahead and did it because I liked him and wanted him is a lie.

[campfire]

My friend it's not about inferior logic at all, you are speaking with your heart, people in relationships do often.

 

You trust me on this, I did the same. I was cheated on, and swept it under the rug. 5 years I had spent with this woman, in your words, you invest alot of time and emotion. And just like you I thought, if we make it out of this, it will make us stronger but I learned the hard way that once that boundary has been crossed, it progressively gets easier and easier. And just like your GF, my ex was sincere, real tears, real emotion. Even when the red flags started being hoisted I ignored them, I wanted to show I was a better man, that I could forgive and trust again. You end up justifying alot of BS that is shoveled right in your face.

 

My thing is, she didn't respect you enough to stop herself sleeping with him. She then got up, most probably had more sex, went to the airport and made put with him. It's not about boundaries, that's just a buzz word that has no meaning in your case. Crossing a boundary is when you realize a friendship is becoming something more serious. so she didn't just cross the boundary, she took a grenade to it and blew it up.

 

You're LD, are you ever going to live together? Are you LD indefinitely? She still didnt answer why she did it? And where were you in her thoughts? Did she think about you..and if she did, why didn't she stop. You ask her that and see what she says because anything other than I did think of you but I went ahead and did it because I liked him and wanted him is a lie.

 

The plan is for her to move to my country next year, and before that Im visiting her (in a week) and she is visiting me after christmas for 3 months. I will be completely honest. If we didn't have an end date to the distance I wouldnt be able to make it. Its too much time apart. Even the next year apart will be tough. So if we postpone the plan because Im having trust issues it would basically mean for us to break up.

 

She has told me several times why she did it. She was in a fog of needing attention and intimacy (just like me) and fell into a weak spot where she let herself be too tempted to resist. She did think about me but still went ahead. Believe me I had a million questions when I found out and confronted her and she answered all of them without being defensive (although she was defensive before I could prove anything). I understand her reasons but don't accept them. I have forgiven her, I'm not bitter or angry. But I do have problems trusting her fully now.

 

About the snooping in her phone and all, its something I think I will go through with. I see it this way: If I dont find anything, its one worry less in my head. If I do find something the relationship is over.

You see she knew I knew her facebook password even before the cheating happened. And she didnt exactly hide her trail when messaging her "AP". Even at the point of me being suspicious and asking her questions like "what exactly has been going on lately with you and mr X" she still went ahead and sexted the guy on facebook - after that I got more than enough proof. Which leads me to believe its the same story with her phone.

 

Thank you for your answers, it really helps me think more clear.

[campfire]

so i did something this week that actually felt good in the end. i made contact with the AP, asked him a few spesific questions about the incident 3 months ago and he gave me a few details. everything was completely in line of what my girlfriend told me. for example, he confirmed they only had sex once. at least this gave me one more ounce of trust to put in her. of course, he might be lying as well, but getting a reply is better than nothing. i called him an ******* at the end and told him i hope for your sake we never meet, which also made me feel good.

[Darren Steez]

What does it matter? They had time to get their stories straight, but that's really not the point..you think he's going to tell you they had sex all night, then again the next morning and she loved it? Once or twice it doesn't really matter..you want to forgive her and rug sweep, you dont need excuses, just do it and move on with your life together.