Does the time together before marriage really matter with the RIGHT person?

[miss_jaclynrae]

We all know the stats on marriage, but then again, we also know personal experiences.

 

I know couples that dated for years and divorced a few years later, and I know of couples who dates a few months and have been happily together for years.

 

 

 

 

Do you think there is a magic number of time that makes a relationship more likely to work?

Or do you think if it is meant to be it will work no matter what?

[xxoo]

I do think timing matters. Rushing things can create relationship problems.

 

I wouldn't recommend marrying under 2 years of dating, unless the couple knew each other before dating. Let the infatuation drop a bit, and the realities settle in, so you know who you are really marrying. People can't keep up best dating behavior forever.

[MidwestUSA]

My belief is if it's meant to be, it will be.

 

First date June 2, 2012

Moved in July 25

Married May 5, 2013

 

I can say that, at this point in my life, I would have never let him move in if I didn't know, in my heart, the intent was to marry me. Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

 

Edit: I'll admit my situation isn't typical, and don't recommend it. It took two people who have been thru life, learned from it, knew what they did and didn't want, and each accepting the fact that the other isn't going to change significantly.

Edited August 12, 2013 by MidwestUSA

[KathyM]

I think it's important to get to know someone really well before making a lifelong commitment to them. It takes time to get to know someone to that level. People are very multi-faceted, and they tend to be on their best behavior early on, so you're probably not going to see all sides of the person, how they handle conflict, how they handle setbacks in life or difficulties if you are only seeing someone for a few months before deciding to marry them. I would recommend a year of dating before getting engaged, and an engagement of several months before marriage.

[SarcasticAbby]

I believe if it's meant to be it will be. Every marriage takes work... Lots of it. And it really depends how much effort you're willing to put into it. Now there are definitely those that are toxic and just aren't ever going to work. Although there are some people that are just out there looking for someone to marry and anyone will do. For those that just have the right chemistry and feel they've met the one, I don't believe waiting 2 months or 5 years to make that commitment matters. If you feel it's right why not run with it? At my age (I'm 35, very picky and already have a toxic, divorced husband under my belt) if I find him and he thinks I'm the one, why not?

[miss_jaclynrae]

I do not think there is a magic number.

After being married once already, I really think if it is meant to be it will.

 

 

I do however, think it is important to discuss things that I think a lot of couples don't early on, if you DO plan on making a lifelong commitment early.

After spending day in and day out with my boyfriend for the past 9 and a half months... living with him since pretty much date number three... I am a firm believer that some people just WORK. Nothing has changed in our relationship, other than the fact we get more and more awesome.

 

We have had our bumps, but every relationship does, family relationships, even friendships.

 

If we got married today I don't think it would be any different than if we got married 5 years from now.

I would have married him months ago if it wasn't for logical reasons such as wanting an actual ring, and actual wedding, which costs money...

 

I knew from the get go that we were going to make an amazing couple, that our love would be epic. That feeling hasn't wavered. I just keep falling more and more in love him, and he just keeps becoming a better and better partner.

 

 

Anyways, I am being all mushy, but I really think time is a tool, it isn't a rule.

[Silly_Girl]

The second time my mum met my now-husband it was about 3 weeks in to our dating and she took me to one side and asked if I had had any thoughts about the future, you know, marriage. I did my nut! Couldn't believe she was being so, well... 'ridiculous'. But we'd all spent the day working in my garden and she was really taken aback with how in tune we were.

 

About 6 weeks in, my son - without checking with me - invited him to come on holiday with us. I was so embarrassed! I thought it was a lot for the poor guy, never having dated anyone with kids, but he took it all in his stride.

 

All my friends saw in me how great we were together, before I did. I was protecting myself but it was clear to them.

 

Our favourite pastime is walking and talking, or walking and stopping off for a drink We really did spend (and still do) hours and hours and hours talking, sharing opinions on life, families, politics, everything. We didn't shy away from anything and were both very, very honest. This wasn't a deliberate strategy, it happened naturally and it didn't take long to come to the realisation that we were a perfect fit. In fact, there are quite a lot of scenarios where we take the same somewhat extreme view, and find ourselves in the interesting position of believing the whole world is mad but us!

 

If we'd been dating 'traditionally' (a movie once a week, and maybe a meal once a week) then it would have taken us a very long time to really understand who we each were.

 

And we were tested a fair amount leading up to the wedding, on non-wedding issues.

 

I'm expecting the 'honeymoon' phase to wear off any day now. But I think it's a little naive to use calendar timelines as to what's an acceptable period of dating before marriage. It depends on your lifestyles before you met, how much time you spend together, how compatible you are, and also how self-aware you are in terms of being able to read the situation and not get carried away with the romance of it all. Not that I don't like romance

[ThomasD]

In general, yes, I think there IS a certain length of time you need to spend together before you can make a reliable decision about the relationship's long-term prospects. For the great majority of people it's probably several months to a year.

 

Several factors affect the length of time:

 

• General maturity. If you're 16, I'd allow 4 or 5 years, just because BOTH of you are changing as you become the persons you really are. At 40, 5 or 6 months together can be enough time.
  
• Prior experience. What have you learned from successes and failures? Certainly no two people are alike but having some idea of which personality traits, both YOURS and your partners, were beneficial or detrimental in other relationships can help you identify good and bad points in a current situation.
  
• Your interaction before getting serious. A long casual acquaintance - as neighbors, childhood friends, coworkers, etc - will make you more familiar even before you are formally "dating".
  
• The "quality" of your time together. "Silly_Girl" touched on this. A lot of "dating", and even "living together", is artificial and actually designed to obscure the "real person". Spending time together in other ways can be much more beneficial to determining the long-term potential of a relationship.
   
  My wife and I will celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary in a few days. Just a few days ago was the 40th anniversary of the day we first laid eyes on each other. That's right - we married only a year after we met. We agree that one year was barely enough time to take that step, and a few people in our lives at that time cautioned us that it was too soon. I think we had two "quality time" factors in our favor. First, we had been writing to each other - increasingly serious letters, on real paper - for over 3 months before we met in person. In retrospect that was a very good way for two quiet-and-shy people to get very well acquainted at a rather personal level. We were already very much "in like" with each other before we even saw each other's face in person. Second, most of our early dating was done as house guests of each other's families. We didn't see each other only after carefully preparing for a "date" - we saw each other at the breakfast table, and interacting with parents and siblings, and washing dishes together, and working together with her dad doing farm chores, and socializing with friends and neighbors in church. And, like "Silly_Girl" mentioned, other people watched US together, and offered their comments.
  
• The role of sex in your relationship. I didn't perceive it then - perhaps I was too close to the trees to see the forest - but now that I'm much older, I see some young folks' relationships that are defined mostly by sex. Sex is certainly important in marriage, but too much of it can get in the way of knowing a person as something more than genitals and hormones. My wife and I chose to be wedding-night virgins (at 23 yrs old) and I don't have long-term regrets over that decision. In fact, it was something of a test to show us how to work together toward a goal. We did enough lovemaking - without sex - to know that we were "sexually compatible" well before we married. Looking at how sex was a major part of our lives in the first few months after marriage, I can understand how it could have consumed our relationship (and prevented real connection and growth) before marriage.
  

[Silly_Girl]

In general, yes, I think there IS a certain length of time you need to spend together before you can make a reliable decision about the relationship's long-term prospects. For the great majority of people it's probably several months to a year.

 

Several factors affect the length of time:

 

• General maturity. If you're 16, I'd allow 4 or 5 years, just because BOTH of you are changing as you become the persons you really are. At 40, 5 or 6 months together can be enough time.
  
• Prior experience. What have you learned from successes and failures? Certainly no two people are alike but having some idea of which personality traits, both YOURS and your partners, were beneficial or detrimental in other relationships can help you identify good and bad points in a current situation.
  
• Your interaction before getting serious. A long casual acquaintance - as neighbors, childhood friends, coworkers, etc - will make you more familiar even before you are formally "dating".
  
• The "quality" of your time together. "Silly_Girl" touched on this. A lot of "dating", and even "living together", is artificial and actually designed to obscure the "real person". Spending time together in other ways can be much more beneficial to determining the long-term potential of a relationship.
   
  My wife and I will celebrate our 39th wedding anniversary in a few days. Just a few days ago was the 40th anniversary of the day we first laid eyes on each other. That's right - we married only a year after we met. We agree that one year was barely enough time to take that step, and a few people in our lives at that time cautioned us that it was too soon. I think we had two "quality time" factors in our favor. First, we had been writing to each other - increasingly serious letters, on real paper - for over 3 months before we met in person. In retrospect that was a very good way for two quiet-and-shy people to get very well acquainted at a rather personal level. We were already very much "in like" with each other before we even saw each other's face in person. Second, most of our early dating was done as house guests of each other's families. We didn't see each other only after carefully preparing for a "date" - we saw each other at the breakfast table, and interacting with parents and siblings, and washing dishes together, and working together with her dad doing farm chores, and socializing with friends and neighbors in church. And, like "Silly_Girl" mentioned, other people watched US together, and offered their comments.
  
• The role of sex in your relationship. I didn't perceive it then - perhaps I was too close to the trees to see the forest - but now that I'm much older, I see some young folks' relationships that are defined mostly by sex. Sex is certainly important in marriage, but too much of it can get in the way of knowing a person as something more than genitals and hormones. My wife and I chose to be wedding-night virgins (at 23 yrs old) and I don't have long-term regrets over that decision. In fact, it was something of a test to show us how to work together toward a goal. We did enough lovemaking - without sex - to know that we were "sexually compatible" well before we married. Looking at how sex was a major part of our lives in the first few months after marriage, I can understand how it could have consumed our relationship (and prevented real connection and growth) before marriage.
  

 

Great post. And congratulations!! :bunny:

[KungFuJoe]

If it's meant to be, it will be.

 

My wife and I are proof of that. To be honest, we should NOT have been together. So many things happened between us that would have kept 99% of people apart...but the connection we had between us was just too strong.

[pteromom]

Sure, if it is the right person, it doesn't matter if you get married in 6 months or 2 years. The thing is - only time tells if it is the right person.

 

Then, if you are correct, you can look back 20 years from now and say "We knew it was right from the very start!"

 

But if you are incorrect, you look back and say "What was I thinking? Why did I marry him? I should have waited longer."

 

And there are plenty of examples of both.

[Nyla]

I have a friend who was engaged and living with her husband after less than two weeks.

 

They had a three year engagement and now they have been married for five years.

[ThomasD]

. . . I think its very important that you have seen each other during something difficult, and seen how the other person handles stress, obstacles, pain, etc. . . .

I think there were some vague references to this idea but it really needs to be spelled out. Even if you don't experience any kind of major crisis together you can get insight into how you'd face such a thing as a couple by observing behaviors to lesser annoyances.

 

. . 1 yr is sufficient, if everyone is honest with themselves (ie not ignoring red flags due to at ticking biological clock, or desire to simply have a wedding or "be married") . . .

 

. . . . The thing is - only time tells if it is the right person.

Summarizes what a lot of these posts say.

[Mr. Lucky]

Sure, if it is the right person, it doesn't matter if you get married in 6 months or 2 years. The thing is - only time tells if it is the right person.

 

Then, if you are correct, you can look back 20 years from now and say "We knew it was right from the very start!"

 

But if you are incorrect, you look back and say "What was I thinking? Why did I marry him? I should have waited longer."

 

And there are plenty of examples of both.

Well said. And OP, to answer your original question, time together before marriage doesn't matter with the right person, but it REALLY matters with the wrong person ...

 

Mr. Lucky

[tbf]

Do you think there is a magic number of time that makes a relationship more likely to work?

No.

Or do you think if it is meant to be it will work no matter what?

This varies by level of compatibility. The more compatible, the greater the likelihood that the relationship will work long-term.

[ThomasD]

There are "brain mapping" studies out now that show that, neurologically, the infatuation stage only lasts ~ 12-18 months. During that time we aren't seeing completely clearly - although it is a very enjoyable stage

Very interesting! That time frame agrees with much of the advice in this thread. Can you post a citation, link to an online article, etc?

 

As others have said - waiting for the "fog to clear" is beneficial... if you are going to be together for the rest of your lives, what's a few more months to see that confirmed?

In some cases, the "requirements" (such as school, jobs, etc) imposed by contemporary culture force us into decisions that fit a pre-existing schedule, rather than what's best for the long haul.

[tbf]

There are "brain mapping" studies out now that show that, neurologically, the infatuation stage only lasts ~ 12-18 months. During that time we aren't seeing completely clearly - although it is a very enjoyable stage

 

As others have said - waiting for the "fog to clear" is beneficial... if you are going to be together for the rest of your lives, what's a few more months to see that confirmed?

That's an intellectually dishonest interpretation of the study that discusses romantic love v. long-term love. There are changes in the brain where different parts of the brain settle down and other parts of the brain activate when romantic love/infatuation morphs to long-term love.

[OpenBook]

Does the time together before marriage really matter with the RIGHT person?

 

Who knows?? It's a total crapshoot if you ask me. Nobody can predict how each partner is going to grow and change in the future... or what the relationship between them will grow (or not) into... or what events will occur that will shape both them and the relationship into.

 

It's just... a total crapshoot. Nobody can see into the future.

[MissBee]

The problem is...lots of people think the person is the right person at the time, sometimes they're wrong about it. Most people who married the "wrong person" didn't at all feel they were making the wrong choice, but were happy and in love and all that jazz.

 

So I think waiting a bit may help to see if it's a false-right or an actual right.

 

For me: the way I go about most decisions is choosing the option which seems to have the least cons. That is, I see less risk coming out of waiting/giving yourself time than not waiting. But I'm also not that impulsive in general.

[miss_jaclynrae]

It is true that you never really know until either the relationship ends, or your life does.

 

 

When I was 17 I thought I was marrying the "man for me"... Obviously that didn't turn out too well. People change, but then again, in my marriage, he didn't change until 4 years in.

If I met someone now I wouldn't want to wait that long to get married.

 

 

 

Course, then again, we were so young, and while I wanted to settle down, he wanted something very different. Nothing in life is guaranteed.

[Pierre]

My belief is if it's meant to be, it will be.

 

First date June 2, 2012

Moved in July 25

Married May 5, 2013

 

I can say that, at this point in my life, I would have never let him move in if I didn't know, in my heart, the intent was to marry me. Ain't nobody got time fo dat!

 

Edit: I'll admit my situation isn't typical, and don't recommend it. It took two people who have been thru life, learned from it, knew what they did and didn't want, and each accepting the fact that the other isn't going to change significantly.

 

To move in in less than two months is not advisable. Furthermore, couples that live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce. The only exception are those that live together after they are engaged.

[orionboxing]

It is completely unpredictable.

 

I know a couple (now divorced) that looked perfect on paper. Both were veterinarians, both ran track in college at the same school, great people all around. They were college sweethearts, got married 7 years after college, financially sound, and got divorced after 2 years of marriage. NOBODY thought they would ever split up.

 

I see things like this and it makes me sad.

[MidwestUSA]

To move in in less than two months is not advisable. Furthermore, couples that live together before marriage have a higher rate of divorce. The only exception are those that live together after they are engaged.

True, and I did say I wouldn't generally recommend it.

 

 

The best analogy I can come up with is - have you ever known the widow/widower couple who hooked up shortly after the second spouse's death? My husband's mom died at 45. Within a year, his dad was married to the widow who lived behind them. All the kids grew up together, etc. They just hit 30 years together in June (he had married extremely young the first time, and had hit 30 years there too; 6 children by the age of 23, the whole ball of wax. ). 60 years, two successful marriages; I can't knock that. (I acquired 14 sister and brother in laws in the deal, LOL)

 

Occasionally, things are meant to be!

[hoping2heal]

We all know the stats on marriage, but then again, we also know personal experiences.

 

I know couples that dated for years and divorced a few years later, and I know of couples who dates a few months and have been happily together for years.

 

 

 

 

Do you think there is a magic number of time that makes a relationship more likely to work?

Or do you think if it is meant to be it will work no matter what?

 

I don't think timing or "destiny" has anything to do with it. Marry someone who cares about your feelings and that you feel vice versa about. Seems simple I'm sure, yet I cannot believe how many times I read on this board about people dating or married the number one and first thing to stick out? The lack of care for one another's feelings. "I'll do this because I want/feel like/need to/believe in it" with no regard for how their partner feels. Marry someone with similar values so that resentment won't build over having to compromise on them. Marry someone you can trust. Not just trust to be honest with you or trust to be faithful to you, but someone you can trust to accept you when your worst side comes out and you're at the lowest point.

 

How many years you've been together has nothing to do with it imo, people simply need to choose better criteria on which they choose their mate. Sense of humor, good looks, charisma, ambition, good career, etc. are all very nice attributes to have for certain but they often times wind up being useless if their is a lack of the things I mention above.