My friend had this to say. I thought it keenly felt.

[So happy together]

Affairs: the things that people do.

 

As the great singer songwriter, Joan Armatrading sang; "I'm not the sort of person/ who falls, in and out of love". The song goes on to ask us "how she can break such a heart" and that she needs "you, and you". It is of course the tale of someone torn between two loves of their life, and the dilemma in making a decision. The song has no conclusion to the story, other than she means to "hold you tightly"..

Now the song above "The weakness in me" is one to track down, Joan Armatrading's haunting and moving rendition is something to behold. Live, it can have you reaching for the kleenex such is the emotion within. So the questions, before you address the answers (and there are many!) is why and what and how and where?

Why does anyone have a love/sexual affair with someone other than their 'full time' partner/wife/ husband? In my personal experience it depends who it is and what else is going on in their own and their partner's life. You can take a thousend men and the same amount of women who having an affair, and each will have slightly/majorly different circumstances that have occurred to make the choice to have an affair. It could be boredom, opportunity, self esteem issues, a friendship that went 'too far', a drunken event that went further than a one night stand, the start of an escape from an abusive boyfriend/ wife/ husband/ wife that would have become a relationship anyway.

I hate generalising but it's said most men pre disposed to it, would have affairs if it's offered and he finds the offer attractive. He won't need asking twice if he thinks he can get away with it. Note 'Thinks he can get away with it'..The premise being at that moment, he's not considering anyone but himself and his needs. Men it's fair to say are hard wired to procreate as and when they can. It's a primitive urge that is shared by all animals, human males are the same. Social and cultural conditioning has curtailed the urge in most and monogamy ensues. This of course isn't the only reason and as stated above, there are other more complex often inter connected issues involved.

Women I'm told have affairs principally because of boredom, or needing (understandably) a loving relationship from the one that has gone stale, unloving or in some cases abusive (humiliation, feeling of worthlessness) or violent. Some women as above, will do it because they think they can get away with it for as long as they can, until such time they get found out and then make the decision, have it made for them or (and it often happens) choose to be alone without either the spouse or lover.

Unless someone is a serial philanderer and seriously cannot stop their sexual (and that's all it is) urges and/or is pathological: many will have genuine affection at first or it will grow from the person of their illicit desires.

This then leaves the object in some eyes that is evil personified. Satan in human form and destined to destroy civilisation as we know it. I introduce the lover, the other woman, the other man, the bitch, the bastard..Whichever invective comes to mind in the moment. Everything but a person, a woman or man who happens to find another person already in a relationship attractive and wishes to do more than share coffee and a smile. In an ideal world everyone would grow up and meet the person who they will live the rest of their life with, possibly have children and live happily ever after...

However in the REALWORLD™: the reality is frequently somewhat different. It isn't a defence of affairs, no-one doubts the often traumatic after effects that they can inflict. Being left to feel unloved, worthless, low self esteem, ridiculed, feeling humiliated by the person doing the cheating isn't a good thing. However, it's probably the symptom rather than the reason for the marriage/ relationship hitting a wall. Almost every broken relationship has a knower and a surprised.

The knower has made plans in their head, for months, sometimes years before making the step to do anything about it; the surprised is hit by the train that is the crashing relationship they may have believed was idyllic or retrievable if they knew it wasn't perfect. By this time, the crashing train going on in the surprised's life, has left the life of the one having the love affair. They've long since done any grieving they may have gone through.

 

The other woman/man isn't the problem. The life that is suffering the crash is the problem. So what if the other woman or man finds out their married lover is married? The marriage or the crash that it is, isn't their problem; it never was. Take away the affair the crash will still be hitting the buffers. I say this after having been through very real, very emotionally destructive experiences. Vilifying the other woman or man won't save a long term relationship, neither does hatred; what the hell is hatred? Who does that hurt? The object of the hatred? No chance. It simply consumes, it bites and chews away at the one hating, and will do far more harm than the other woman ever will. Again, I speak from experience.

I offer no easy answers, because there are none. I do know though there are considerable questions that all of us need to ask ourselves before pointing the finger. Why? How? The only advice I would give is avoid therapy and all it's manifestations if you're paying cash for it. There's a reason you need 20-30 appointments; and it isn't because the therapist is being understanding...