i slept w/ a friend, now he's acting different. what does it mean & what should i do?

[leahbb]

hey all!

 

this is my first post...i would love ANY feedback...PLEASE!

 

so here is my situation:

 

about 4 months ago, i met a bunch of guys through a mutual friend, and now we've all been hanging out a lot. we all flirt with each other, and we're not superclose friends, but we have a good time. one guy in particular (dan) and i flirt a lot. whenever our group goes somewhere, i always ride with dan to get there. about a month ago, after some heavy flirting, we had sex.

 

okay. so i'm already dating someone else and i'm not in love with dan. and he's enjoying the single life, and he's not in love with me either. neither of us is looking to get in a relationship with the other. BUT since we've had sex with each other, dan hasn't called me as much. he used to email me a few times a week. but now, he doesn't even reply. sometimes here and there, he will write me back and leave flirty comments. i called him once to tell him about a funny story, and we laughed, but he still doesn't write me emails. so...what does that mean? when i saw him last weekend, he flirted with my friend a lot. but dan and i still exchanged naughty looks and flirted somewhat. when his friends have plans, he doesn't tell me until the very nite. what i really want is to have things be the way they were before, where we flirt a lot and just have a good time. and i think i still want to have him want me now. so...my question is...

 

 

why does he act like this? does the way he act mean he is not into me and does he act like this because he's weirded out and thinks i like him? what does he want?

 

what should i do? should i act the same? should i play hard to get and not reply to his emails either? because i've been trying to act like i don't notice any change and act like i'm too busy to even worry about anything. i also have been acting this way because i don't want him to think that i'm thinking too much about this. what can i do to make him want me or what can i do to have him act like before?

 

ok. i think that's my whole schpeal. please help me out! thanks so much!!!!

[johan]

While you were flirting and getting to know each other, you were a fantasy to him. Then you slept with him and the fantasy ended. Now instead of an untouchable goddess, you're a real woman. Sorry to say that's not as exciting. You won't get him to feel that way again for a while. It isn't something you can control, so I'd recommend just forgetting about it. Your relationship is permanently changed.

[SoleMate]

Ouch. This hurts.

 

IMO, it's best to keep sex either "strictly casual" (neither of you really cares about what happens afterwards) or "meaningful" (you both consider it significant). The problem comes when one person thinks it's casual and the other thinks it's meaningful.

 

Adding sex to a relationship, any relationship, almost always changes it. Sometimes, you may both find yourselves madly attracted, not even wanting to think about other people, and just devoting yourselves to each other. At other times, one or both parties would like to pretend it never happened and run away at top speed - possibly because of embarrassment, distaste, having gotten what was wanted, not knowing how to handle the new negative/positive feelings, being repulsed, etc. It's really impossible to know what is going through his head, other than that he does not want to spend time with you nearly as much as he did.

 

i still want to have him want me

I don't think there's much you can do. If I were you, I would mentally write him off, and promise myself not to jump into bed with anyone else who is close to being a stranger, because it really hurts when one is cold shouldered in this way.

[morrigan]

I agree--they dynamic of your friendship with this guy has changed; it's almost impossible for you two to treat eachother the same way you did previously.

 

It's OK to still see him socially at times with other friends, but I'd keep my distance from him personally--don't flirt with him or email him. I definitely would not have sex with him again either.

 

I think you may have invested more feelings into what happened between you two than he did. You're not madly in love with him or any crap like that, but you do want him to be interested in you. I just don't think he's going to reciprocate.

[blind_otter]

I did this with my bestfriend and our relationship is still kinda patchy.

 

Once you sleep with you friend, like morrigan said, the dynamic changes permanently and you just have to go with that. The best thing to do is have an open conversation with him about what happened. It is a good idea to take a time out and just not hang out and talk as much. I had a hard time because my bestfriend and I talked every day and he always gave me great advice about life....but that's just consequences.

 

It sounds like you want something more than sex, from what you wrote...that probably scared him because he didn't want to get into a relationship dynamic and thus, why should he tell his buddy what he's doing and talk to her all the time? He doesn't really have an obligation to you and probably feels pressured...

 

Anyways, just get it out in the open. That's what I did - we clearly outlined our boundaries and agreed to a period of separation and it probably saved our friendship. So, it really depends on what you want out of this.

[Cecelius]

No comments on his character, but is he the type who may think somewhat harshly of you sleeping with him when you weren't dating?

 

Also, he may just like you generally.

 

Lastly, now that you are dating another guy, depending on how significant it is at this point, if I were that other guy I'd think it pretty shady and a little skanky if you and Dan got together to have a big talk about what happened. Hopefully your new guy is cool and collected and wouldn't care that you hooked up with a friend but I wouldn't make it more than what it is by having a huge talk.

 

Just tell Dan that it would be great if things got back to where they were before and leave it at that.

[leahbb]

you all are so great! thank you for the feedback...i really need a lot of it. just one thing to clear up though. i didn't start dating dan's friend. the guy i am dating does not know dan or the other guys. another thing, neither dan nor i want to get in a relationship with each other. i think its just that we are attracted to each other (i don't know about anymore) and all i want is just a little consideration...