I'm curious for those that ended up with the "happy ending"

[BlissfullyWhich]

with a MM/MW. "Happy ending" being you end up with the MM/MW as completely yours in the end, whether it's b/c their BS left or they left them, etc.

 

I was curious if YOUR situation while your were in the A still mirrored those that you see talked about here. You know, the "normal", roller coaster, push and pull, cake eater acting, quietish on weekends when they were home with BS, etc. OR if those that did end up with the "happy ending" were different and did not follow the same pattern as a "text book affair" (whatever that is) that we see discussed here.

 

Like I see "lines" here that my MM has used on me and I cringe. Did your MM/MW ever use those "lines" on you?

 

I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for here in asking this so you need not bother asking.

 

Well, I've had a doozy of a 3-weeks. My MM's BS kicked him out last weekend. He ended up at my place and I'm trying to find him an apartment and to get him to stay with a friend (male friend that is) until he finds one. Considering I never wanted him to leave his wife for me. I always wanted him to leave her because he claimed to be so miserable. Although deep down inside, I'd love to be his and for him to be mine, I don't think we can have the relationship he always told me we'd/ he wanted to have if he left his wife.

 

The only way this becomes a "happy ending" is if we can resume our very non-committed sexual friendship with him single instead of married. I liked us in that context a lot, but the A is just uncovering a host of challenges to the presumed "happy ending." A lot of people involved have a lot of mourning and healing to do.

[Lady2163]

Holy crap. And I thought I had problems. I am so sorry you had to find this out afterwards

 

Lime, he was an alcoholic who spent 10 hours a day in our social club/bar. I am much better off. He is one of the few people in my life who I believe is a true sociopath. I'm pretty sure 99% of what came out of his mouth was a total lie.

 

It was 12 years ago. I look back at how much I was willing to compromise my standards and am horrified. Mind you, he slowly "trained" me to accept the very minimum. I truly believe i was brainwashed, ever so subtly - and to kniw the guy, you wouldnt have thought he was that smart. Example: the first time he was 30 minutes late calling, I made the mistake of saying, "that's all right, I was studying, I lost track of time". Near the end of our relationship he was regularly two hours or more late. It was amazing how perfect he was in his timing. If I was done with school or work at 300 PM, he'd tell me, "I'll call you at 330.". That gave me enough time to get home, but not to run any errands, do any major cleaning projects, study or go online (back in the days of dial up). Then I'd be stuck waiting and not able to do anything. He'd do that night after night.

 

Cell phones have changed a lot of that now. Plus, I have changed what I will and won't tolerate. If I was dating a single man who was more than 30 minutes late and was not enroute for supper plans, I'd call him and say, " I'm headed out to do something else, we will have to reschedule." I've done it. Not the first time they're late, not even the second, but definitely if it is a pattern, I break my end of the pattern.

 

I'm also very sensitive when a man constantly stresses various virtues. Absolute loyalty, honesty and fidelity were his constant mantras. No matter what he did, even if he was in the wrong, I was expected to be loyal and not publically disagree with him. In the end, he was none of the attributes he preached and I think he was so rabid with my behavior because he knew if he was breaking all those, then maybe so was I.

[LimeBlue]

Lime, he was an alcoholic who spent 10 hours a day in our social club/bar. I am much better off. He is one of the few people in my life who I believe is a true sociopath. I'm pretty sure 99% of what came out of his mouth was a total lie.

 

It was 12 years ago. I look back at how much I was willing to compromise my standards and am horrified. Mind you, he slowly "trained" me to accept the very minimum. I truly believe i was brainwashed, ever so subtly - and to kniw the guy, you wouldnt have thought he was that smart. Example: the first time he was 30 minutes late calling, I made the mistake of saying, "that's all right, I was studying, I lost track of time". Near the end of our relationship he was regularly two hours or more late. It was amazing how perfect he was in his timing. If I was done with school or work at 300 PM, he'd tell me, "I'll call you at 330.". That gave me enough time to get home, but not to run any errands, do any major cleaning projects, study or go online (back in the days of dial up). Then I'd be stuck waiting and not able to do anything. He'd do that night after night.

 

Cell phones have changed a lot of that now. Plus, I have changed what I will and won't tolerate. If I was dating a single man who was more than 30 minutes late and was not enroute for supper plans, I'd call him and say, " I'm headed out to do something else, we will have to reschedule." I've done it. Not the first time they're late, not even the second, but definitely if it is a pattern, I break my end of the pattern.

 

I'm also very sensitive when a man constantly stresses various virtues. Absolute loyalty, honesty and fidelity were his constant mantras. No matter what he did, even if he was in the wrong, I was expected to be loyal and not publically disagree with him. In the end, he was none of the attributes he preached and I think he was so rabid with my behavior because he knew if he was breaking all those, then maybe so was I.

 

It is amazing what we learn once we recognize things for what they are, and by this I mean recognizing these men as narcissists and sociopaths. Had I recognized my H as a narc many years ago, I would not be here now. In fact, I am only a mere 10 months into learning about sociopaths and narcissists and I wish I had known long ago. Up until 10 months ago, I had no idea what a narc was, nor a socio. My H blatantly and openly (emotionally) abused me last December during a holiday with family members (his family). They see him as the best person to have ever walked the earth, so they were blind to the open and blatant emotional abuse going on. And that was when I, by chance, had a chat with someone during that holiday and she told me to educate myself on the narc and socio... and my H is most certainly a narc.

 

Which leads me to say, as you say too, that I no longer tolerate his gas lighting and behavior. Like you, if he is late when he says he will be a certain time, then I call him on it and challenge him but I never used to. I used to always just put up with it and be left hanging - but not anymore. All of these things, as subtle as they are (eg, keeping us hanging), are control tactics and I just will not buy into it anymore. You say you were "trained" and that is exactly what it is, a form of training and brain washing. You can see this subject makes me extremely irate, because I feel I have been lied to in my M. Even my counselor, who spoke me into staying when I had my affair, I even feel resentment towards her because she never once touched on the fact that my H is a narc and I am actually suffering a form of mental and emotional abuse - without even knowing it! But instead she too brainwashed me into changing the way I am even more so than I had already been changed, in order to make my M work and forget about my AP.

 

The only problem I see now however, is just about every person I meet now, especially men (regardless of relationship status - friend, coworker, etc), I have my narc radar out in full force which can be very unfair to that person, but that is how it is and will remain so in order to protect myself from such people in my future life.

 

Ranting now, apologies

[Baby123]

Really? What do you look for? And I am someone who has moved past the affair together.

 

I actually don't think there are any really good predictors, not for the ultimate "jump". I think there are signs that say someone is more likely to do so, but the S/D stage is a rough one and a number of people think they are done with the marriage decide at one point or another, for a multitude of reasons, to give it one more shot.

 

I knew I was done. My husband (AP) was SHOCKED that I left as quickly as I did. He assumed he was farther along mentally, emotionally and physically. I knew from watching my parent's toxic and crazy marriage that even when things are just awful it doesn't mean that one is going to break free of that. That even with toxicity there can still be a connection. It is scary and hard to make the move to divorce and I see many people, in and out of affairs, put their toe in and then pull back. You are going from the familiar to the unfamiliar and that is a struggle. So, in my eyes, it is hard to predict who would leave and who would stay.

 

Thanks for writing that, I think it's so true.

 

My mm left his bs pretty quickly after a short A with me. He left after Xmas, as he said he would. He would do standard MM things like be quieter at the weekends and after reading love shack I was convinced he was telling me a pack of lies- he wasn't, we had/have an out in the open relationship. My mm says the 'line' about wishing he'd met me first if it wasn't for his children 2/3 times a week,

 

But anyway- the situation didn't end here, we have issues in our R non affair related, I.e. age gap, me moving for job and him wanting commitment but not wanting to stifle my dreams.

 

Also although the bs seemed to do okayish at first- she has became a real mess and harmed herself. This has meant the kids, both his and her family and friends are constantly asking MM to go back- that puts intense pressure on our relationship. She said she'll do anything to have him, even share him. Whether he'll go back, I'm unsure.

[Babolat]

with a MM/MW. "Happy ending" being you end up with the MM/MW as completely yours in the end, whether it's b/c their BS left or they left them, etc.

 

I was curious if YOUR situation while your were in the A still mirrored those that you see talked about here. You know, the "normal", roller coaster, push and pull, cake eater acting, quietish on weekends when they were home with BS, etc. OR if those that did end up with the "happy ending" were different and did not follow the same pattern as a "text book affair" (whatever that is) that we see discussed here.

 

Like I see "lines" here that my MM has used on me and I cringe. Did your MM/MW ever use those "lines" on you?

 

I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for here in asking this so you need not bother asking.

 

I have read some of your posts. One thing that jumped out at me was the reason your marriage did not work: abuse. I assume physical, emotional or both.

 

And I sense, I am not judging you, that your posts are you looking for validation, looking for "will this work", looking for an answer. What does your inner voice, your gut tell you.

 

Going to a MM, one who treats you very well, because well he has too, coming from an abusive relationship, concerns me for you. You even said in one post that you would never tell her because of how HE would feel. Classic sign of codependency, enabling, coming from an abusive relationship.

 

Be careful.

[Babolat]

My mm says the 'line' about wishing he'd met me first .

 

If you read my "girl with bf" posts, your comment hit me. She has been asking me why I did not show an interest in her earlier, why now. And my only answer has been "timing"; it's just the way things worked out.

[bentleychic]

I have read some of your posts. One thing that jumped out at me was the reason your marriage did not work: abuse. I assume physical, emotional or both.

 

And I sense, I am not judging you, that your posts are you looking for validation, looking for "will this work", looking for an answer. What does your inner voice, your gut tell you.

 

Going to a MM, one who treats you very well, because well he has too, coming from an abusive relationship, concerns me for you. You even said in one post that you would never tell her because of how HE would feel. Classic sign of codependency, enabling, coming from an abusive relationship.

 

Be careful.

 

Mostly emotional, some physical.

 

The main reason I post questions, I guess, is yes, indeed, in hopes of finding some magic answer that it will work out. LOL That it's different. Silly, I know. Oh my gut and head have been hitting me over and over for the past year. LOL BUT I figure I'm already a year in and I don't have any other knights in shining armor beating down the door so what's another year to wait and see if it works out? I do go out with my friends, clubs, concerts, etc. I'm still getting out there, but the dating scene and online dating do not appeal to me in the least so...not interested in looking at this time. Even if he wasn't in the picture.

 

I actually have a book about codependency that I'm making my way through at this very moment. IF I have that (not convinced at this point), it originated more from childhood, though and goes back to my fabulous mother. /sarcasm

[Got it]

The translation of that line generally means:

 

I so wish I had met you X years ago...but I didn't and am not going to change my current life for you, but certainly will continue to have you on the side as long as you are willing

 

Or it just means "I wish I met you at an earlier time of my life".

[Babolat]

Mostly emotional, some physical.

 

The main reason I post questions, I guess, is yes, indeed, in hopes of finding some magic answer that it will work out. LOL That it's different. Silly, I know. Oh my gut and head have been hitting me over and over for the past year. LOL BUT I figure I'm already a year in and I don't have any other knights in shining armor beating down the door so what's another year to wait and see if it works out? I do go out with my friends, clubs, concerts, etc. I'm still getting out there, but the dating scene and online dating do not appeal to me in the least so...not interested in looking at this time. Even if he wasn't in the picture.

 

I actually have a book about codependency that I'm making my way through at this very moment. IF I have that (not convinced at this point), it originated more from childhood, though and goes back to my fabulous mother. /sarcasm

 

Don't fool yourself; you are not into dating, because emotionally you are "with" him.

 

What's another year? It's a year wasted spending energy on something that is not a positive for you. It's good energy you could be putting somewhere else.

 

Why is HE a knight in shining armor?

 

Again, I am not judging you, just reading you from your posts. And I just have a bad feeling about this one.

[bentleychic]

I don't for a second think he's a knight in shining armor. I don't actually think they exist in love/romance, nor do I think there's a "perfect" man or woman. My sarcasm doesn't play well on the internet.

[Babolat]

I don't for a second think he's a knight in shining armor. I don't actually think they exist in love/romance, nor do I think there's a "perfect" man or woman. My sarcasm doesn't play well on the internet.

 

I get ya...you come across as a very sweet and kind person, maybe a little insecure. Your wit is attractive too. Guess I am just wondering why you are settiling for a man who is not available, and never will be.

[bentleychic]

I can't guarantee that he'll ever be free, just as you can't guarantee that he won't. Everything he has told me thus far that is going to happen towards him being divorced has happened (and discussed publicly on fb by both himself and BW so I know he's not just blowing smoke). I don't really feel comfortable posting details b/c it is unique from what I've read here thus far (though I'm well aware that it may not be) and I would rather neither of them have even a chance of finding my posts here. If I posted those details and they found it, it would absolutely be a no brainer that it was me, though. When we first got together, he told me the time frame. So I'm committed to that time frame as long as things continue on that path and I don't decide that I cannot deal with it any longer in the mean time.

[Babolat]

Makes sense, good luck to you!

[Red Wolverine]

I can't guarantee that he'll ever be free, just as you can't guarantee that he won't. Everything he has told me thus far that is going to happen towards him being divorced has happened (and discussed publicly on fb by both himself and BW so I know he's not just blowing smoke). I don't really feel comfortable posting details b/c it is unique from what I've read here thus far (though I'm well aware that it may not be) and I would rather neither of them have even a chance of finding my posts here. If I posted those details and they found it, it would absolutely be a no brainer that it was me, though. When we first got together, he told me the time frame. So I'm committed to that time frame as long as things continue on that path and I don't decide that I cannot deal with it any longer in the mean time.

 

I hope I'm wrong but I went through a timeline with a man who always did what he said he would... Until he didn't.

 

Don't be surprised if he lets it get to the point that you can't deal anymore. Much easier for him if you bail. Then you'll get the...."if you'd only been patient" line.

 

I didn't waste my time. When his time was up and he tried to blow something completely out of proportion to buy himself more, I ended it. Of course his reaction led to more than he bargained for but that's another story.

[bentleychic]

At this point, I am prepared for anything to happen. I'm not sure it will work out, won't work out, will work out, but not as planned, etc., etc. I've run so many different scenarios through my head. Granted, being mentally prepared and actually dealing with whatever happens will be two different animals, I know.

[GorillaTheater]

I get ya...you come across as a very sweet and kind person, maybe a little insecure. Your wit is attractive too. Guess I am just wondering why you are settiling for a man who is not available, and never will be.

 

I agree. Bentley, you just come across as too smart and cool to be on the road you happen to be on. And while as suppose that could come across either way, I truly mean it as a sincere compliment.

[bentleychic]

Thank you, Gorilla. This is probably the stupidest thing that I have done in my life. LOL

 

Go big or go home, I guess. (/sarcasm)

[Babolat]

At this point, I am prepared for anything to happen. I'm not sure it will work out, won't work out, will work out, but not as planned, etc., etc. I've run so many different scenarios through my head. Granted, being mentally prepared and actually dealing with whatever happens will be two different animals, I know.

 

 

Why not end it now, deal with all of the emotions/feelings now, YOU take control, YOU own this, not him, and let the chips fall where they may

for him? I can tell from your posts you have stress/anxiety about this. You are looking for the right answers by posting here. You are reading books. You are trying to figure HIM out, figure this out. Take care of you!

 

You, IMHO are giving this man way to much control..like you did in your marriage..again, Codependency.

 

I hate seeing this in someone like you....you are too good for this.

[bentleychic]

That stupid, stupid L word. *sigh* (Stupid, but true and that's really the only answer that I can give.)

[Babolat]

That stupid, stupid L word. *sigh* (Stupid, but true and that's really the only answer that I can give.)

 

Understood...but....there are plenty of amazing men out there you can fall in love with, who are 100% available for you.

 

I have been thru similar experiences as yours, not really with the cheating, but stuck in a relationship, not knowing what to do, not knowing how to take care of myself. I finally did, it hurt, it was hard, but as time passed I started to feel so much better.

 

And, is it really love? Really? You are obsessing over the "what ifs", "what could be","what might be"......is that real love?

 

Private Message me if you would like..I am happy to share my experiences with you, what worked for me, what finally woke me up, got me working on myself again, etc.

[bentleychic]

I don't think I can pm at this point, but am not sure. Yes, I do believe I really love him. I'm the type that does the what if's in any relationship. I should say that up front.

[Babolat]

I don't think I can pm at this point, but am not sure. Yes, I do believe I really love him. I'm the type that does the what if's in any relationship. I should say that up front.

 

I think we all "what if" to a degree when in a relationship. The question is how much time and energy are you spending on this in your life?

[cocorico]

with a MM/MW. "Happy ending" being you end up with the MM/MW as completely yours in the end, whether it's b/c their BS left or they left them, etc.

 

I was curious if YOUR situation while your were in the A still mirrored those that you see talked about here. You know, the "normal", roller coaster, push and pull, cake eater acting, quietish on weekends when they were home with BS, etc. OR if those that did end up with the "happy ending" were different and did not follow the same pattern as a "text book affair" (whatever that is) that we see discussed here.

 

Like I see "lines" here that my MM has used on me and I cringe. Did your MM/MW ever use those "lines" on you?

 

I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for here in asking this so you need not bother asking.

 

No, there were no "lines". There was no push and pull, no roller coaster. No quiet romantic weekends with BW. No "cake eating" (whatever that is - what else are you supposed to do with cake?) he was honest and authentic with me, and I with him. When we reached a point of wanting to be together all the time, we made our plans and carried them out.

[velvette]

with a MM/MW. "Happy ending" being you end up with the MM/MW as completely yours in the end, whether it's b/c their BS left or they left them, etc.

 

I was curious if YOUR situation while your were in the A still mirrored those that you see talked about here. You know, the "normal", roller coaster, push and pull, cake eater acting, quietish on weekends when they were home with BS, etc. OR if those that did end up with the "happy ending" were different and did not follow the same pattern as a "text book affair" (whatever that is) that we see discussed here.

 

Like I see "lines" here that my MM has used on me and I cringe. Did your MM/MW ever use those "lines" on you?

 

I'm not really even sure what I'm looking for here in asking this so you need not bother asking.

 

 

 

There was no roller coaster or push pull. There were no lines. We worked together and I saw him during the day but rarely at night during the week. I saw him weekends as he had sports events that gave him a reason to leave the house.

 

He was very clear he was done with the M. I think he was unsure initially of his ability to leave because his wife was a stay at home mom and he had 4 young children.

 

I was very clear from the beginning that I had a timeline for being the OW and it was pretty short. He didn't ask me how long and I never said.

 

Four months after we started our A he told his wife he wanted a D and a couple weeks later he filed. It took about a year for his D to be final per the required separation period in that state.

[ArtsAndCrafts]

My MM and I fell in love in early November. He knew it was difficult for me and not sustainable for very long. He acknowledged that the ball was in his court. For 2.5 months, we saw each other whenever we could, had a few overnights when she was out of town. In early Jan, he told her he was leaving & moved out. He's in the midst of divorce now. In March, we began the public phase of our relationship, letting our friends know we were dating but letting them think we just started. Even so, we kept it understated. A lot of other stuff has occurred since then in our R, but that's for another thread. (The BW had been aware almost the whole time, unbeknownst to us. We had a breakup for a few days bc I was an idiot. He never changed his legal docs so BW had to come back from 4 states away to handle his affairs when he had a major health crisis & was incapacitated. Seriously, I should write a book.) But today we are openly dating, crazy in love & looking forward to a future together.

 

He did everything he said he would, some of it ahead of his stated timelines.

 

I never felt like he was feeding me lines or stringing me along of even cake eating. Had I felt that, I probably would've left the A. I think that if an AP is going to leave, it'll happen quickly. If they drag it out, you might as well bag it. Ain't gonna happen.