I'm curious for those that ended up with the "happy ending"

[Got it]

My MM and I fell in love in early November. He knew it was difficult for me and not sustainable for very long. He acknowledged that the ball was in his court. For 2.5 months, we saw each other whenever we could, had a few overnights when she was out of town. In early Jan, he told her he was leaving & moved out. He's in the midst of divorce now. In March, we began the public phase of our relationship, letting our friends know we were dating but letting them think we just started. Even so, we kept it understated. A lot of other stuff has occurred since then in our R, but that's for another thread. (The BW had been aware almost the whole time, unbeknownst to us. We had a breakup for a few days bc I was an idiot. He never changed his legal docs so BW had to come back from 4 states away to handle his affairs when he had a major health crisis & was incapacitated. Seriously, I should write a book.) But today we are openly dating, crazy in love & looking forward to a future together.

 

 

 

He did everything he said he would, some of it ahead of his stated timelines.

 

I never felt like he was feeding me lines or stringing me along of even cake eating. Had I felt that, I probably would've left the A. I think that if an AP is going to leave, it'll happen quickly. If they drag it out, you might as well bag it. Ain't gonna happen.

 

Not necessarily true. I believe a year is the "golden ticket" that gets discussed but it really depends on each individual. There are some that leave years later (commonly tied to the last kid going to college) but it does happen. Not saying it always does just know of some where they have.

 

I left my marriage about a month in, he left a little over a year.

[glowing]

I married my affair partner, and do feel that we are living our 'happy ever after'.

 

To answer your question, I could not have predicted four years ago that we would end up here, though I fervently hoped for it.

 

He and his ex were unhappy for years. He and I began confiding in one another (I was divorcing my husband at the time), and our friendship turned into an emotional affair, which then became physical.

 

After a few months of his 'cake eating' (affair with me, staying in his marriage for the kids) his ex went off on one of her rages and told him (as she did several times a year for years) that she wanted a separation. That time he agreed, which shocked her completely. In the past he had always talked her down, promised to change, etc. Once he stood up to her, she realized what she could lose and begged HIM to stay for a change, promised him SHE would change. It was a total role reversal and a surprise to us both.

 

He then decided to recommit to the marriage to make sure that if he DID leave, it wasn't just for me. I fully supported this, though it killed me to say goodbye and know he was going to do everything he needed to do to reconnect.

 

We had barely any communication for several months, though I kept a journal where I wrote him emails that were never sent. He still hasn't seen them, and they're too painful for me to want to reread.

 

After a few months we began contacting one another again, and he was ready to leave her. She hadn't changed, he was miserable, their fighting was affecting the kids, etc. We resumed our emotional affair but did not become physical again until after he moved out and they had filed for divorce.

 

At that time she found out about me, and the **** literally hit the fan.

 

Their divorce was final in the shortest amount of time possible. During that time he moved into a (crappy) apartment, attended individual counseling, and worked to make a new life as a single dad. We did not live together, saw each other maybe once a week, but mostly just laid low so his divorce could finalize and he could (I hoped) be his own person.

 

It worked, and after it was final we began officially dating (more backlash, but that's another story). We introduced our kids to one another after 9 or 10 months of actual dating, he proposed a year and a half later, and we just celebrated our one year wedding anniversary.

 

Looking back, I think the things we did RIGHT (among ALL the wrong) was really making sure that he left her on his own volition. Not to be with me, but because the marriage was over. I also didn't help him when he struggled out on his own...we didn't live together until we were married, and our dating life was as traditional as we could make it. We also both worked with our therapists, and saw one together a few times to make sure we weren't missing any issues.

 

I remember that time three years ago, when he recommitted to his marriage, as being a very dark, depressing, lonely time. I struggled with NC, barely ate, slept a lot, and was not in a good place. It was the hardest thing I have ever gone through, but by far the most important step in getting us to here.

 

Sometimes I imagine what it might have been like if he had stayed, and I just can't wrap my head around it. That's when I thank my lucky stars and breathe a prayer of thanks.

 

There isn't a magic formula. If it's meant to work out, it will.

[Hazyhead]

I think honesty is a big part of the change from A to relationship. Certainly from the married party. It takes them to actually choose what/who they really want and be honest to all about it. Once my (not sure what to initial him as anymore ) guy had said to his ex, "I love her and want to be with her," that was it. No more cake-eating. And he has been honest and open ever since.