joanofark Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Whats the rationale behind a BS saying things that are untrue to their WS about AP? Is it to start a fight? Is it their insecurities about the situation? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 She's just pissed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Whats the rationale behind a BS saying things that are untrue to their WS about AP? Is it to start a fight? Is it their insecurities about the situation? More details needed please, as there is no general motivation for it, it depends on what was told and the situation behind it. But one thing's for sure...As often include lots of lies, untruths, assumptions, omissions and the like, which usually start on the side of the WS and spread to the OW who is told these lies or who just makes her own assumptions, and then when those things already happen, then the mess of dday occurs, it can spill to the BS. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Whats the rationale behind a BS saying things that are untrue to their WS about AP? Is it to start a fight? Is it their insecurities about the situation? My mm's bs told lies about me in hopes to make him hate me. It was silly stuff like pics of me with male friends on FB, mm had already seen the pics so its not like I was keeping secrets. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I was pretty underhanded after discovering my XH had continued cheating on me. He had several OW, and his level of deception and manipulation, and gaslighting....finally just made me drop he gloves. I did divorce him. But prior to starting that process, I was pretty nuts. I had all of the OW investigated somewhat, basically so I could speak to them myself. I knew more about them than he did. With all the over the top stuff I did, I can't think of instance where I felt it would benefit me to lie about any of them. But, I probably would have. Out of anger, spite, and just to poke him back. Not for cheating, but like I said , the deception . Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 (edited) Whats the rationale behind a BS saying things that are untrue to their WS about AP? Is it to start a fight? Is it their insecurities about the situation? You have kind of answered your own question. Whoever tells lies wants to have the upper hand. So if a BS tells lies, then yes he/she wants to have the upper hand because they feel threatened. But how do you know he/she is telling lies? Edited August 12, 2013 by findingnemo Grammar Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanofark Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 dday already occurred. BS 1 and BS 2 are in constant contact and everything said gets back to WS 1 and WS2. its just interesting how things are playing out. I think it is to drive a wedge between WS and AP. Cant think of any other "logical" reason. But if that BS wants to R does it make sense to move forward with lies? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 I see , and yes I would say driving the wedge is actually part of stopping the affair prior to attempting reconciliation. And no, using lies will not benefit the process. The whole point is to learn to be transparent and communicate honestly. But still, if it's early days, especially with B1 and B2 talking, she may very well simply be acting out and not rational at this time. I have to say that it would anger me greatly after DDay to still be getting info from the other BS that I did not get fom WS. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanofark Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 its crazy because all the lies being told are not from the BS's anymore its both the WS's. both marriages are in shambles. One is already ending. i think that is what is the driving force behind the BS lies. they know that the AP will be "free". Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 its crazy because all the lies being told are not from the BS's anymore its both the WS's. both marriages are in shambles. One is already ending. i think that is what is the driving force behind the BS lies. they know that the AP will be "free". What a shyte storm. The entire DDay thing is just so awful under any circumstances. People throwing each other under the bus. I'm all for full disclosure among both parties involved. It's a useful tool. But beyond that, it seems like too much communication between two sets of people that should be done with each other entirely. I'm not sure if you are familiar with the term Trickle Truth? It's when you find out , ask for the truth, are told that's all there is . But you know that it isn't, so you snoop or yell or demand...and get more truth.well, then you're paranoid, so you ask more questions again, and again...and sure enough you get more truth. It's awful. Where are you in this? Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanofark Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 its a mess, for sure. i had an affair and it took dday to happen to finally get out of the marriage. poor choice, but what happened, happened. neither AP is throwing anyone under the bus. its the two WS's that are. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanofark Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 um... just seeing who is paying attention! haha! my bad, all the acronyms are making me loopy. that should have been BS. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanofark Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 over the last 15 years or so this BS and WS have been to numerous counselors, retreats, etc to make the marriage better. obviously nothing helped. hes miserable shes miserable and they now will continue that way because of the approach being taken for "R" which will fail. eventually. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 So Joan! Are you the WS with the disrobing marriage? And both your BS and your affir partners BS are commiserating ? And you're going to be free, so your affair partners BS is telling lies about you in hopes her husband will not rekindle the affair...and your Soon to be XH , is encouraging her? Something like that? Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanofark Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 pretty accurate. except for the "disrobing" part. none of that in my marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 Gotcha. Well, to stay focused on the question in your post...and not anything else...which admittedly can be difficult...given the amount of red flags here...ahem. It will blow over . It's a storm. People are not themselves. Stop being a participant , especially since you've got your own divorce in the works. You will need to have your head on straight. And even if you and your husband are divorcing...you actually have to do that together.m Ride out the storm away from the other couple. Demand they all stop and focus on their own. Ya know? Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 LOLOL. Disrobing. I had no clue, it was MY error! Link to post Share on other sites
MissBee Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 My mm's bs told lies about me in hopes to make him hate me. It was silly stuff like pics of me with male friends on FB, mm had already seen the pics so its not like I was keeping secrets. There's your answer....to make him hate you, probably in an attempt to make sure your affair ended for good. Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanofark Posted August 12, 2013 Author Share Posted August 12, 2013 due to certain circumstances beyond anyones control at this point, the other parties "moving on" will not likely occur for a few months. i did suggest everyone stop communicating while everything was figured out. but was shot down apparently. because everyone continues to talk. i know that if AP wants to continue with me that if I went NC he should be willing and prepared to wait. I offered that up to them. No interest. I know where I want to end up in all of this. So i guess its just a wait and see approach. the doozies the BS is coming up with are just amazing though. there has been no contact at all between me and AP BS. But has lied to both my BS and their WS. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted August 12, 2013 Share Posted August 12, 2013 deleted, read situation wrong. srry. Link to post Share on other sites
rumbleseat Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 My mm's bs told lies about me in hopes to make him hate me. It was silly stuff like pics of me with male friends on FB, mm had already seen the pics so its not like I was keeping secrets. Okay, so she said there were pictures of you with other guys...it seems she was, by your own admission, telling the truth. Link to post Share on other sites
canuckprincess Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Okay, so she said there were pictures of you with other guys...it seems she was, by your own admission, telling the truth. True sorta, but she tries to convince him that I lied to him. Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 Did you lie him about sleeping with another man? Link to post Share on other sites
Author joanofark Posted August 13, 2013 Author Share Posted August 13, 2013 just to be clear.... the post that is getting quoted is NOT the OP. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ComingInHot Posted August 13, 2013 Share Posted August 13, 2013 I actually was Not super clear on that, thanks - retracted* At first I was going to say there is no reason for the BS to lie and are you positive they are lies... But then I started thinking of all the lies the WS tells and then the lies the AP tells or encourages more of and thought the point of the ALL the lies is to out one of the people in the triangle and hold into the other. I think it can happen from each dynamic, the WS, the OW/OM and the BS (upon learning of the A). I don't think lies are healthy for Anyone but if an A IS an A & not an open M, then the lies are part of the status quo, at least for the WS & (in my perspective) the AP however more by hiding and omission (but not always*). Especially not healthy for the BS to lie when really she has a much better position with just stating the truth. how about... "Desperate times, Desperate measures"?? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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