Since when does the abuser leave the victim??

[aisuangel]

I have a question...Since when does the abuser leave the victim? (emotional abuse) I was with this person for a year, long distance relationship.. I flew down there once to meet him, we would talk on the phone every night, but we had our ups and downs. He had a bad temper when he would lose it. He would say very mean, stuff to me that would hurt me, like "I don't love you anymore, or I don't want to be with you anymore" or "*****k off!" then hang up on me, at times turn off his cell so I couldn't call back. He would would leave me then take me back leave me then take me back. This probably happened like over 10 times (I lost count). He would always apologize for what he said, saying he couldn't control what he said out of anger..That he still loved me, that he didn't mean it. But you see, I had some bad downfalls...like I hadn't finished my education, and I was bi-polar, and I couldn't hold down a job..That never seemed to bother him, he told me when I moved down that he would find me a job, and that I could get my GED down there. He was far more educated than me, he graduated, plus going to college...and had a job..I called him way too much I guess (he says, I agree..) he said I was "clingy" "obsessive" and "obsessed" he left me at times over that..which was true I was obsessive at times..I wouldn't let him get off that phone when he wanted, or I would call him at night sometimes and wake him up. So he recently left me..Said he was tired of my ****, that I am crazy, need help (because I am bi-polar I guess), and that he also left because I am undereducated...that I am a moron. This person he found was local..On a website some sub-dom site (he told me). He likes to control, be in charge, when I was with him I didnt mind it too much, but to know he went to that site to replace me..it hurt. He moved on so quick, like within the week. He now claims he doesn't care for me anymore...doesn't want to be with me anymore..that she is better (especially in bed), and she isn't a bitch*h like I am/was, isn't on weird medicine like I am, educated (she has a GED), and that she is actually an adult she is 23 I am 21, he is 26. I guess he thought I was too immature, he isn't mature himself.. Oh yeah, and she isn't whinny...how could someone lose love like that? and move on like that? I know I keep hurting myself because I keep calling him, even though he tells me to leave him alone...I still love him believe it or not...I think maybe if I talk to him I can fix it, convince him to leave her..today when I called he was in the middle of something (having sex...) he even told me "what do you want I am trying to have sex?" that hurt so bad...he told me he could wait till his bills were paid off till I could move down which was sometime after dec..wait as in keep this relationship together..my heart, and soul is so trampled...Another thing if he didn't get his sleep, he became this different person...yelling and cursing at me to "let him get some ****ing sleep!" then he would apologize later. "I'm sorry, I love you with all my heart" then boom, he has a local booty call off of a dom-sub site, which he claims he is happy with..better than me, that I am crazy and a moron, which I probably am...thank you for hearing me out for whoever reads this...

[overseas2004]

I am really sorry to hear your situation and I am sure you feel really bad but your relationship with this man can not and will not ever work. In addition to that you are not going to be in a good and loving relationship unless you do a major overhaul on yourself.

 

You have mentioned that you are bipolar and on meds. The meds should help you control yourself better. If they aren't then its you who cant control yourself and it has nothing to do with bipolar disorder. Of course, I dont claim to be a psychiatrist. But I have to ask you some questions?

 

MInd you ... you wont be in a good and loving relationship until you answer and solve these questions?

 

1. HOw is it that you allow someone to say things like F*** off to you and then you beg them to come back? How do you conciously let yourself do that?

 

Until you fix your self esteem no one else will treat you the way that you should be treated. That is why its a common addage that no one will love you until you love yourself.

 

2. If not being educated bothers you... get educated.

 

you mention the fact that you are not educated, yet from your letter, I can tell that you are intelligent. You made very few grammatical mistakes in your letter and it just seems like you could go much further in school than you have. Instead of thinking about this bone head... why dont you go get your GED, and then maybe start thinking about college. It would be a far better place to waste your mental energy than on this good for nothing abusive jerk.

 

AND by the way, his new girl is not educated. She has a GED. In my book thats nothing. It means she didnt even have the fortitude to stay in high school. Pretty sorry.

 

3. Making him break up

 

Even if you do, you are just going to go back to the same cycle of him being a jerk to you and you begging him back. Once respect is lost (and he has lost respect for you because you let him) its really hard to get back. I know, I have been there, done that, and never again. So just leave him alone. He has already shown you that he doesn't even respect his new girl. He answered the phone while having sex with her? Any guy who even thought about doing that to me would be out the door in a second. So his new relationship is pretty much destined to end anyway. The key thing here is that you should not go back

 

4. Vow to end it today

 

If I were you I would vow to end it today. STop calling him and never speak to him again. I bet you that if you dont call he will come crawling back. the only problem with that scenario is that you are not strong enough yet to respect yourself and to stop him from being mean to you again.

 

You really need to take a big break and try to win back your confidence. Ask yourself alot of questions like Why do you think that you dont deserve someone to be nice to you? Why do you beg him back? Is it because you REALLY think that you cant find anyone else in teh world to love you? If yes, isnt that kind of silly? And what are the things you dont like about yourself? Can you change these things that bother you so that you feel better about yourself?

 

Also, I dont really like psychiatrists but I do like Dr. Phil. Buy one of his books, they really make you think about all these things that I just outlined above...

 

And it helps.

 

And go get an education... A mind is a terrible thing to waste.

[aisuangel]

you see I think I drove him away...I was very "obsessive" with calling him all the time, and not letting him go when he wanted, especially when he wanted to go to sleep, I would drag and drag the conversation on...I had no respect there as he claimed and I agree. When he turned off his cell during fights I would call his home phone, (middle of the night) it would wake up his mom, piss him off and her off, since they both had work, and he had school, or work. in the morning/night. So I guess I deserved it honestly..As he said he got sick of my **** that was my ****, me being obsessive. As of now I am being kinda stalker like (he isn't local), I call every 3 days, every time he hangs up on me I call back...I don't like being hung up on...I doubt he will come crawling back to tell you the truth, I think I made him hate me now. You see my sister called him (she is 14) to bitch him out for the way he was treating me (that was when he was having sex) I walked in, she hung up. I found out called back apologized, and thats when he said "what do you want I am trying to have sex?". My sisters (i have 2 both 14 twins) called him back non stop to harass him (I know it's wrong) and bitch at him. My mom came home heard him say that my mom was "crazy" she said "this is the mom you schizo" and he hung up.. I don think he will return. Also what made him leave the night before the break up, I had my mom call because I felt he didn't underatstand me anymore..I had her explain I went through some med changes, and she asked if there was anything she could do, he got mad at the call..plus I had already called 2-3 times within the half hour plus her call. I think it is because I am so clingy, and obsessive I drove him away..it's ok you can agree, I know I probably smothered him to death. Any who, no I don't think I will find someone else to be honest. I don't even get out of the house! I don't have a license! nor a job..so I am stuck here day in and say out. Yes I know get out and do something about it..I think they will work out fine...he found her at a sub-dom site (submissive-dominiat) she was the sub.. he found someone to control, and she is local, perfect match. I cant make it 3 days without having an attack of wanting to call, I know I am probably crazy, and need "help" as he says, And yes I know I am immature...Every time he was mean you could hear his gf "thats mean" "I feel bad" "don't be so mean" he would say back "don't I don't care anymore, don't feel bad". Still since when does the abuser leave the victim? I guess when the victim drives the abuser nuts?

[fritziematt]

I wouldn't try to call him anymore. It's not going to work out...it hurts when you love someone but I think you should let go and sooner or later someone else better will come along.

[youareyoung]

Girl,

Listen, you need to just stop. It is not love, but obsession. I have the same problem. You need to realize that people who treat you like that don't love you and never did because love is not like that. Someone who really loves you would never ever treat you like that. Now, you only met this guy in person one time. That means that during the times you were on the phone with him all the time he could have had other girlfriends or done anything he wanted. He has proved that he isn't worthy of your love, affection, or even the time of day. You need to stop and think about what makes you a great person and why he isn't worthy of you at all based on his clear lack of respect. He will never change and you, like I have also been, were fooled. He was manipulating you. It isn't your fault because he is the one who deceived you into thinking that he was good enough for you. Now you need to re-evaluate your reasons for wanting to be with someone like that and then move on to greener pastures. You are 21 years old? You have the rest of your life ahead of you. You will grow and learn more about yourself and what you really want in the next several years. Maybe someone who is good enough will come along during that time, but maybe not. You cannot settle for anyone who isn't good enough. Take the advise of one of the other responders and get educated. I promise it will open so many more doors and make you feel more confident. Confidence is sexy! If you are confident and know what you want and what you don't want then you will start attracting a better kind of man. It sounds like you recognize that getting a better education will give you more confidence so this could be a really great step for you. Take your medication and talk to a therapist about your self esteem issues. Anyway, I hope this helps you. I am just starting to take my own advise and find people who are worthy of me myself. You are a worthy, wonderful person who deserves better! Don't compromise yourself!!