How long to wait

[Dianaross]

My boyfriend is divorced and it was bad, she took all of his savings, etc. in the divorce.

 

I get it, but I want to be married. I moved out of state with him under the promise that we would be getting married nd starting a family soon. It has now been a year and a half and.. Nothing. No ring, no proposal. We argue about it and he says that he needs to make xyz amount of money first. I don't care about the money, I believe that he will do well t some point and I make a lot with my job as well, even though I moved to be with him, I am doing very well in my career.

 

How long do I wait? Do I give an ultimatum, I don't want to waste my best years with someone who isn't serious about me.

[samsungxoxo]

My boyfriend is divorced and it was bad, she took all of his savings, etc. in the divorce.

That's the biggest red flag you should have been paying attention too. If you don't want to waste any more endless years, it would be wise seeking for a man that doesn't have any baggage.

 

I would never date a divorced man because more than likely he'll have a negative view towards marrying again.

 

One tip of advice: never do cohabitation unless you're engaged and with an exact date set on.

Edited August 13, 2013 by samsungxoxo

[JBlackstone]

I feel for you because I consider myself to be in the same type of situation. Although my boyfriend has never been married in the past, he also is not ready yet for marriage because he doesn't feel financially stable. We've been together for three years and I am ready. So here we stand at a weird crossroads. Do I wait and hope that eventually he will be ready or do I leave and try to start fresh with someone else?

 

I think you need to ask yourself the same question. How long are you willing to wait? Also, would you be ok with the relationship just as it is, with you, possibly, never getting married to him? These are not easy things to consider, believe me, I know!

 

Oh, and I wouldn't give him an ultimatum. Wouldn't you want it to be 100% his decision to ask you? What I am considering for myself, and perhaps this would work for you, is to tell my boyfriend that I want to be married and if he isn't ready then that is completely fine BUT I am not going to wait around for him to be ready. I will start to see other people. I guess in a way it is a sort of ultimatum but it's more of an indirect way to light the fire under him. If that doesn't do it, then maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

Edited August 13, 2013 by JBlackstone

[ForeverHopeful1]

Well, how long are you willing to wait?

 

You have to wait and an ultimatum wont work.

 

If you give him an ultimatum, you will forever think he only did it because you forced him and he will feel like you forced him into doing this. If you leave it be and don't give him an ultimatum, you may be waiting another 6 years because he isn't ready. His actions scream, "Im not ready!!!"

 

So, the truth of the matter is, you wait until he is ready or leave him if you cant stand waiting. It sucks but that's how it goes. You cant force someone to do what you want. You can only hope and pray they do it on their own.

 

So, what are YOU going to do? Take him out of the equation for now... what do you want and what can you control?

[miss_jaclynrae]

Have you guys sat down and discussed it lately?

I don't think bringing it up would hurt.

 

 

 

That being said, I don't think you NEED to be engaged to move in with someone, but I think the fact that you made it one of the circumstances of moving to be with him... definitely a problem that it hasn't happened yet.

 

WHERE exactly financially does he NEED to be?

[Knoxpwns]

I was with my ex for 6 years, and I was ready to propose by the first month.

 

I never did. Why? Financial stability. Yes we could have made it without that money, but as the man in the relationship I was not prepared to enter a marriage without knowing for absolute fact I could provide.

 

Did I not love her to not have proposed? Insanity. I would have died for her. I would have gone to any lengths imaginable to provide her with the world. I loved her with every fiber of my being.

 

I'm not your boyfriend, so this isnt the same situation, but I wanted to offer my opinion in the chance there is no malice here. Maybe he really does want to be with you forever, but wants to know for fact he can provide without question.

 

(Ps she cheated on me so had I married her I would have been screwed and even more heartbroken.)

 

So, marriage aside, are you happy with him? Do you love each other? Do you enjoy being around each other? If you answered yes to these, are you prepared to let all that go just for the lack of ring on your finger? Do you feel that you could connect with, and be married to, a diffirent guy faster than in this relationship?

Edited August 18, 2013 by Knoxpwns

[Mr. Lucky]

It has now been a year and a half and.. Nothing. No ring, no proposal.

A year and a half since you met or started living together? There's a difference...

 

Mr. Lucky

[timpane]

You wait until he is ready or leave him if you cant stand waiting. It sucks but that's how it goes. You cant force someone to do what you want. You can only hope and pray they do it on their own.

[CherryT]

Is there a way you can help him, as a team, get to the goals in your lives? I mean, if you're wanting to spend the rest of your lives together... his financial goals should also be yours? My SO and I are planning on getting married next year and he's never been hesitant to propose. He wants to get engaged right now however, the reason why we're delaying our engagement is because we're working together to ensure we have all our ducks in a row... We've been LD for the last year and a half and I'll be moving to him. There are a lot of expenses and logistics to consider when moving AND getting married. So we're trying to be (financially) smart and do it one at a time. With that being said, there are a number of things we are working towards together - buying our house, saving for a small wedding (we are both against holding debt). I know, without a doubt, that once this all happens that we'll be engaged. It's what we're working towards together, not just him.

 

When I speak to my male friends, I feel at times that they carry a lot of the pressure. Sure, their SO's are in good places in their careers but it's up to the man to be able to provide and on top of providing, buy a ring (which could cost thousands depending on the women's style. That's a lot of money to think about while trying to get stable). What exactly is he insecure about, financially? I'd talk it out with him. If he tells you that he doesn't feel comfortable getting married until he has bought a house or has x amount saved, could there be something you could do to help him get there?

Edited August 30, 2013 by CherryT