I can't control my spying and it's ruining my life

[TryingToBeBetter]

I'm naturally a very curious guy. I'm also very talented with computers. Not a "hacker" but to the average joe I probably seem like it.

 

I think it all started about 6 years ago, maybe 10 if you count the girl who cheated on me with my best friend, or the one who cheated on me during summer break, or maybe the one who used me and had a fiance. The trust may have been broken there, but the obsession started here.

 

I had been dating a girl for about 2 years. It had been a pretty great relationship, we were in love and we were talking about getting married. But I started noticing she would close her laptop when I walked into the room or had mysterious texts very late at night. I asked if everything was ok and tried to open a dialogue, but to no avail. So, I snooped. I found she was talking sexually with an ex, messaging and what not. I was pretty devastated. I wanted to see if she would be honest with me, if it was just a fantasy and nothing more. So, I just kept an eye out. I expanded the net. With direct access to the computer I was able to find several instant messenger accounts, facebook, a few emails etc.

 

At some point I finally confronted her and told her I knew about what was happening. We talked about it and she said she would stop and cut ties with him. She changed her passwords, but I was able to figure out the new one.

She told the ex that she had gotten me off her back, so they could go back to chatting. She had started clearing her chat history after every conversation, so I wrote a small, hidden keylogger utility and ran it in the background. I had it dump all the text she typed and snap screenshots every few seconds to a server I had.

 

Chats with the ex escalated in sexuality and they started planning on meeting up when I would be out of town. My ex started lying to me about being sick so she would stay and home and chat with him. I knew everything that was happening, but pretended I didn't hoping she would finally be honest with me. I eventually couldn't take it and logged on to one of her accounts and pretended to be her and told the ex I didn't want to talk anymore. Of course it all fell apart. We had a messy drawn out break up because we lived together. But I still had access to everything. Trying to understand why she would hurt me this way after I had been a prince for 2 years became an obsession. I wondered if we had a chance of getting back together. I parsed her digital life for clues. I did crazy, obsessed and probably illegal things. Things I'm not proud of. I was able to create duplicates of our apartment key from a random photograph. It worked perfectly. This is where I drew the line however, because I finally realized how far I'd taken the crazy train. So I destroyed it and removed my software from her computer. It was a complete ghost protocol. Neat and clean, she would never know how I had invaded her life so completely and I would never have to face the shame of having completely lost it. I washed my hands of it and left it all behind me.

 

Or so I thought.

 

I took it easy for a few months, but eventually met this girl. We had a short intense relationship. I noticed a few things amiss. She asked me to fix her phone one day and I did, but I also looked at her messages. She was talking to a couple other guys. I was ashamed of doing it and I fessed up to what I did. She was mad and things ended.

 

I then met another girl and thought I could be better. She was actually a sweetheart. But my trust was shaken. I checked her phone half heartedly and didn't find anything amiss. Satisfied I never checked again. Things petered out on their own, I was in no shape to be a good partner obviously, but she was upset when I told her I couldn't commit and it was probably for her own good. She told me she was glad she had been cheating on me for the last two months and she was going to go and screw the other guy right then.

 

My trust in women at this point was pretty well shaken.

 

But I met a girl and we started dating. I fell in love with her slowly. She was sweet, beautiful, sexy and we were head over heels for each other. Things were great for the first year and a half. Then I started noticing things. Late night texts. One night I saw a man's name show up on her phone's screen when a text came in. She replied and put it away. I asked who was texting so late. She said it was her sister, asking if she was coming home that night. I instantly felt the obsession return. I had to know how deep the rabbit hole went. It took me less than a day to have full access to everything, facebook, email, IMs, websites. It turns out she had started doing pornography. She told me she was just doing modeling. She also started stripping over the internet for money. She had strange quasi sexual cyber relationships with men. I saw one message where she agreed to sexual favors for money. I was destroyed. I waited though, knowing everything. Seeing how bold faced she'd be about lying to me, since she didn't know I knew everything, hoping that some shred of goodness would pop up. I carried on until I could take the disrespect no longer. I confronted her. She immediately tried to make amends. But it didn't last long, she relapsed with the strange cyber relationships. She changed her passwords, but I figured out the new one within hours. I found the new accounts. I tried to not look, but when she would start to get fishy I would check just to reassure myself, but I was never wrong. Eventually she broke up with me. I was pretty broken up about it despite the treachery for over a year on her part and I kept tabs on her for a few weeks, seeing if there were clues about whether she missed me or if we'd could make amends. Eventually, I stopped. I told her to pick better passwords, but she did for a few things. I still peek in on her life now and then to make sure she isn't falling into anything that would be physically dangerous like drugs or prostitution. I loved her after all.

 

I had a string of very short encounters with women whom nothing much developed with. A few dates here, a week or to there.

 

At this point trust was a dream for me.

 

Women had disappointed and hurt me repeatedly. I attributed it to me being a little crazy myself and getting my deserved karma. I thought maybe if I go for a completely different kind of woman. I can have a fresh start. I can leave it all behind. If just one could care the way I care and not betray me. I met the one who was totally different. This one was older, mature, career, beauty, intelligence, kindness, the whole nine yards. We had the most passionate relationship. Something wasn't right though. I resisted though. But then she gave me her passwords for her computer and phones and I couldn't help myself. It turns out she had not quite finished business with her ex-bf and it also turns out she was married to boot.

 

 

Which brings us to today. I need help. I need advice. I don't know how to break this and cast it off. This thing is ruining my life.

 

I'm not a bad guy and I'm not dangerous, I'm actually one of the best most caring partners I know…until my suspicion is aroused and my obsession returns like a cancer, never resting until I know the truth of my suspicions.

 

But I know what I've done is incredibly messed up and creepy, it's unhealthy and wrong. I just don't know how to stop wanted to know the truth. I don't know how to get better.

[BeholdtheMan]

You have a very useful skill and you should view it as an asset, not a liability. Most guys are jealous but they can't be certain if something is going on. You actually have the means to be certain without alerting your partner. Basically, you are your own private cyber-investigator.

 

Trust is important in a relationship, no doubt about that...but let me make this very clear:

 

Snooping is not wrong. Snooping in the absence of any red flags is wrong. Snooping when there are red flags is totally sane.

 

In fact, I would encourage a man or a woman to do some investigation if obvious red flags have been detected. In most of the experiences you've listed, you snooped after discovering red flags.

 

I don't think that was unethical or immoral. I think you handled these situations incorrectly not because you snooped but because you didn't take immediate action after snooping. You sort of waited around hoping that she would turn honest (fat chance).

 

Once you find out that she's lying and cheating, break up with her. You don't have to tell her how you know. Just tell her that I know you're lying through your teeth and it's over.

 

Your desire to snoop can only hurt your relationship if your snoop in the absence of red flags and your GF turns out to be innocent and finds out about your snooping. If there are red flags, snoop away.

Edited August 13, 2013 by BeholdtheMan

[Lani]

The line where this becomes really wrong is when you keep doing it.

 

Snoop.

Confront.

End it.

 

Don't hang around in their personal business for months 'waiting for them to fess up' without them knowing. That is totally perverse and a massive invasion of privacy.

It sucks what you've been hurt, and that your suspicions have been right, but part of me thinks you are setting these women up to fail. The trust isn't there from the start and that is where you need to begin your work.

 

Best of luck.

[TryingToBeBetter]

Your support is unexpected, but appreciated. What do you do if there are red flags, you snoop, but it turns out to be nothing?

[PegNosePete]

Agree with the others. Snooping is totally justified if there are red flags. The only thing you did wrong was not to insta-dump when you uncovered it. Don't tell them how you know, just tell them you know and to get out of your life.

 

If there's red flags then it's never nothing.

[Sazerac]

I'm not a bad guy and I'm not dangerous, I'm actually one of the best most caring partners I know…until my suspicion is aroused and my obsession returns like a cancer, never resting until I know the truth of my suspicions.

 

But I know what I've done is incredibly messed up and creepy, it's unhealthy and wrong. I just don't know how to stop wanted to know the truth. I don't know how to get better.

 

When you've tried very hard, and it's still not enough, that's when it's time to seek others for help. I would recommend a professional counselor to help you come to terms with this behavior.

 

I understand fully the underlying cause. It seems that you've had a string of women who have disrespected you in the worst possible way. There are good women out there, but your heart is so closed off because of your past experiences that there's no way you can find them. Because of your insecurity and doubt, you're "beaconing" those who fit your belief of what women are, and they're answering that call.

 

It's time to change your beacon. At this point, I really think professional counseling/therapy would do a world of good. Please consider it - I wish you well.

[will1988]

OP

 

I used to be like you with my first few relationships... the second I got a wiff of a red flag I would snoop, and check their email accounts etc... With my first GF I actually discovered a long drawn out love letter she was writing to send to her ex. Admitedly, she had left him for me (LDR kind of thing, Freshman year of college). I confronted her, and we had a big argument, but we made it quasi-work for another several months. My trust in her had been shattered, and every time she went to class or something I would check her accounts (she used my computer, since she practically moved in to my dorm room). I still clinged to the false hope. After all, I was 18, and had never been in a relationship before. Eventually, my paranoia and un-trusting nature brought an end to the relationship. I was vindicated though a year later when her good friend let it slip that she had been cheating on me the last few months with a foreign exchange student. Admitedly, I never caught wind of this because she was smart about it. Anyway... I did these sort of things, except for the key logger or hacking (I just knew the passwords or could guess them easily with help from hint tools on the account) with a few other girl friends. It always caused problems. Some times I would find stuff, other times I would find nothing. Eventually in those two other relationships I drove the girls away because of my snooping and untrustingness. I matured and realized that sometimes you got to have faith and trust in someone you are with... and if they wrong you, and it comes to light, than they have no recourse to say you drove them to cheat. Makes them look bad. I have only done snooping once or twice in the past half decade. My fiance had a kind of quasi-really flirty (but not sexual) cyber friend. I got wind and checked it out. I confronted her and she deleted contact etc... and has since not broke my trust (that i know of). I chaulk it up to the fact that we were doing the LDR thing for two years at that point, and I hadn't seen her in 4 or 5 months. You need to learn that snooping, prying and spying will only cause you anguish and harm. You need to learn to trust and have a little faith.

[PegNosePete]

they have no recourse to say you drove them to cheat

Nobody has any recourse to say this, ever.

If something is wrong with the relationship then don't cheat, end it.

If you were snooping too much then she should have dumped you, not jumped into bed with someone else.

"You drove me to cheat" is a pathetic attempt to justify unjustifiable and immoral actions.

[eddyctv]

Seriously, have you ever considered hiring yourself out for your services? What you do is pretty amazing...

[crederer]

There are only 2 situations when someone gets upset if someone was snooping.

 

The first reason is because they have something to hide. The second is because you are going way too far and burdening the relationship. Based on the info you found I am confident these women were upset with you because they got caught and decided to blame shift.

 

Nothing wrong with snooping if the warning signs are there. But you can't have it consume your life, if you don't find anything leave it be until other new flags come up. You can't find something that's not there. My ex was hell bent on finding evidence of me cheating, she was convinced I was, and wasn't going to rest until she found it. Well.....I wasn't cheating but she treated me as if I was anyways. You can see how this doesn't work.

 

Anyhow, this stuff happens to everyone at some point, I don't know why it seems to happen to you so many times though........perhaps you should look at what made you attracted to these women and see if there is some sort of pattern there.

[jphcbpa]

Seriously, have you ever considered hiring yourself out for your services? What you do is pretty amazing...

 

seriously can you create a thread on how to snoop ?

 

maybe this is a gift you can pass onto others. start to see these experiences as something you can pass on.

[TryingToBeBetter]

I don't think what I do is good in the context of a relationship and I wouldn't want anyone to get in trouble if they couldn't execute in properly. I have 20 years of experience with programming and computers, been doing it since I was kid. I think the temptation is too great to misuse it like I have. I don't want anyone burdened with the tools to fuel an obsession.

[tman666]

From your story, it sounds like most of the relationships you've had in your adult life have basically ended with you snooping and discovering unsavory things about the characters of your partners.

 

While I think we can all agree that unwarranted snooping/spying is wrong, it sounds like you basically dodged bullets on a lot of these women.

 

So snooping aside, what I'm wondering is why you keep finding yourself in relationships with these types of women? Not all women are cheaters or are up to no good. Talking to other guys doesn't constitute cheating, but a lot of what you posted would be deal-breakers, at least in my mind (love letters to ex's, sexual flirtations, doing porn, being married, etc.).

 

If I were in your shoes, I would re-examine the types of females you associate with and typically seek to date. You're not going to be able to quit snooping overnight. Your trust has become far too eroded to be able to just go cold turkey. However, hopefully you'll be able to adjust something else in your life that will allow you to train yourself not to be forced to assume and confirm the worst in the people you date.

[pteromom]

The key here is to get to a point where the thought of someone cheating doesn't lead to anxiety and worry. It's about being confident in yourself and trusting of your partner. It's about knowing that no matter what someone else does, you'll react in a way that is right for you. That you aren't afraid to have a conversation when you see "red flags".

 

In the end, what you want is someone who is trustworthy, honest, and open with you. Just hiding the screen when you walk up or having secret texting with someone without telling you the truth when you ask is enough to end a relationship. It's about being compatible... doing things behind your back is incompatible with the openness you seek.

 

And yes - take great care in the type of woman you date. Make sure that when you are building a new relationship, you aren't just basing it on emotion, but that you are also judging her character to make sure she is the kind of person you want to be with. There are always clues if someone is sneaky... it will affect their other relationships with family and friends, and job history.

 

Go in with open eyes, and expectations of honesty and openness. Know that if she ends up being a cheater, you are LUCKY to be rid of her.

[harrybrown]

If you would be willing to help some of us with trying to find the truth, that would be great.

[Bito]

The only problem I see is you keep waiting to leave. Once you find proff dump their ass. There are good people out there. Keep at it

[BeholdtheMan]

Your support is unexpected, but appreciated. What do you do if there are red flags, you snoop, but it turns out to be nothing?

You stop snooping. You didn't really do anything wrong because your suspicion was justified (i.e. red flags) but thankfully they were false red flags (but red flags on the surface nonetheless). Respect your partner and stop snooping once your suspicions have been laid to rest.

 

Unwarranted snooping is wrong, warranted snooping not followed by immediate action is pointless, warranted snooping followed by immediate action is the way to go.

 

It sounds like you've been engaged in a lot of warranted snooping not followed by immediate action. You don't have to change the snooping part, you just have to work on the immediate action part.

[aspiringuitarheroine]

I've never seen a better reason to have a random password generator and have a different password for everything.

 

I am an open book. If I caught a partner breaking into my email/social media, I would drop them so fast they'd need a cleanup crew to wipe them off the footpath.

[aspiringuitarheroine]

If you would be willing to help some of us with trying to find the truth, that would be great.

 

No. Why don't you go and ask your partner? If you're not satisfied that they're telling the truth, you have no business being with them, and should dump them.

 

Snooping is not your answer. Being a grown up is.

[twixed]

OP,

 

I've had almost the same experience you've had minus the genius hacking skills and with men, instead of women.

 

I attract men who think I'm easy to cheat on, I think. They think they are so smart and that they'll get away with it.

 

What's wrong with normal platonic friendships outside of your exclusive partner? When I commit to my partner, there is No One Else. Period. Otherwise, why be in that relationship? Why?

 

It's just sad, all the hurt they cause. I don't know. Maybe you and I are boring? Maybe we're not that good in bed? Maybe they never loved us in the first place and just want someone who'll buy them dinner, pay their rent and in general always be there for them. We're simply not enough, people like you and I, OP.

[coffeebean201]

I guess you will stop when you feel the time is right.

 

Having had my life ripped apart by spying behaviours - I don't have much sympathy.

 

Just because you have trust issues with women can't justify spying on them electronically.

 

Particularly since you think her talking to another male is 'cheating'. You don't even know what the proper definition of cheating (whether emotional or physical) is. So you are ripping apart her privacy and you don't even know what you are looking for. You are just looking for evidence of some relationship crime that you haven't even defined. Just something that seems 'off' to you. And you admit you are obsessive, so you do a good job churning through the details of her life, looking for what - you aren't sure.

 

 

It is criminal behaviour.

Edited August 15, 2013 by coffeebean201
verbose

[leedlee1]

The only thing i think you did wrong was not leave immediately after finding out your ex's were doing the dirty on you straight away. The fact you stuck around has only added to your torture and self harm and has obviously crippled your confidence!

 

There's plenty of great woman out there! But just remember IF it happens again just walk away no explanation..... Just GO.

[giblesp]

If you do anything with your GF's personal things, emails, photos or whatever, you should ask yourself if she'd want you to. If the answer is 'no' or 'I don't know' then don't do it. You're betraying her trust otherwise. That simple.

 

We take a chance when we get involved with someone and give them our heart man, that's the way it is. The girl of your dreams might rip your heart out. But are you going to love all the way, or give in to fear of failing and paranoia?

 

No one wants to feel that pain of loss and betrayal. But with these minor betrayals of trust you're actually attracting it into your life. That's karma.

 

It's tough to surrender in a relationship, to fully trust. But that's where the best chance of success is.

 

I'm working on my stuff myself and have a long way to go...