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My wifes affair with her boss


nothappy1971

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It is going to take a very long time for her to really earn trust. This A was 3 years. She needs to not only express her remorse but to live it out by meeting your needs and not just allowing you to check on her, but VOLUNTARILY being transparent at every turn. And I agree about the business trips. She needs to be pounding the pavement looking for a job other than her present one.

 

As far as why, someone else said it better. Any outside reason she comes up with as to why are excuses. Yes, the outside stressors might be why she was vulnerable or why she was stressed, etc. But she cheated because she chose to make a bad choice. She made that choice because she was focused on herself, and a temporary "fix" for her emotional distress was easier than addressing the issues head on. THIS is something she needs to work out in counseling. Is she sharing needs and stresses with you now? Are YOU the one she is going to for support now?

 

I agree with you that while making her life hell might make the vengeful part of you feel better, it really isn't what someone who wants to have a good marriage in the end does. It is what someone who wants to use their marriage to get a pound of flesh does.

 

Your wife will need to be an open book for the rest of her life. The changes she makes are not just to get through recovery - they are LIFE changes. I hope she understands that.

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nothappy1971

thank you all for your advice both positive and negative. There are something's I want to hear and something's I don't but that was expected in away. It will be interesting to look back at this thread in 6 months and see how far I/we have got. It would be nice to think I can let myself go by then and have a laugh without it feeling like I let my guard down. It's along road and I expect it will take years to get somewhere near what I thought we once had but it will never be the same.

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thank you all for your advice both positive and negative. There are something's I want to hear and something's I don't but that was expected in away. It will be interesting to look back at this thread in 6 months and see how far I/we have got. It would be nice to think I can let myself go by then and have a laugh without it feeling like I let my guard down. It's along road and I expect it will take years to get somewhere near what I thought we once had but it will never be the same.

 

You will never have what you thought you once had because you never really had it, it was a lie. You can still love each other greatly but there will always be an imbalance, she can never replace the 3 years she freely gave to another man, those she stole from you. This is what every Betrayed Spouse has to accept if they decide to stay with their wayward partner. Is it fair? No f**king way and shame on them for taking that choice away from you, they have to forever and ever live with their decision to betray you. Once you step over that imaginary holy of holiest boundary you can never cross back, it only allows you to move in one direction and will be with you until the end. Maybe it gave them excitement, the thrill of the hunt, only they can decide if it was worth the final cost to their relationship. What should have been a natural progression of a relationship maturing over time is now forever altered just as you can alter the method of making a wine. You still made a wine, the difference is the potential of what you could have had compared to what you got.

 

Your a better man than me for deciding to stay with her for the three plus years she robbed from you by her infidelity, we all handle it differently but this is about you and not me. As long as your comfortable that you can fill the void that is left with the departure of the O/M, knock yourself out. Just be smart about it, protect yourself, lawyer up, have a legal agreement in place that protects you should she fail as your wife again. I hope it works out for you, everyone deserves to be happy.

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Its been a while since I was last on here but this weekend is the 1 year anniversary of me finding the truth. Tonight we are going out for a meal and at the weekend she taking me away for the night. I cant say its perfect and this week brings it all back but i'm trying to move. this weekend will be interesting.

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Its been a while since I was last on here but this weekend is the 1 year anniversary of me finding the truth. Tonight we are going out for a meal and at the weekend she taking me away for the night. I cant say its perfect and this week brings it all back but i'm trying to move. this weekend will be interesting.

 

Good for you. Claim what is yours and only yours. It works both ways.

 

There is nothing wrong with forgiving her. As long as she realizes you will never forget.

 

Have a great weekend.

 

HM

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Does she realize what she has with you? It is hard to get past the affair.

 

I think so. I've not made it easy but nor have I beaten her down with my anger over what she has done. I will never forget and forgiveness may take a lot more time.

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Your right. You will NEVER forget and you may NEVER forgive. It's up to you. I'm 2 years passed my H's very short (3-4 month) affair with a co-worker. I will NEVER forget. I will NEVER fully trust him again....we will NEVER be the same again. It's hard. It's really hard.

 

He also knows the deal....one F up and you are gone! The thing is, for me, it really won't be that hard. I simply don't feel the same way about him anymore :( and that's the hardest part of it. Although I get all of the remorse, all of the effort. He tries sooooooo hard to make me happy, make me see how sorry he is, how much he loves me BLAH BLAH BLAH!! I still have days when I just want him to get the eff away from me! A part of me hates him for what he did to us.

I don't know if we will EVER be good together again. I just don't know....and it's been over 2 years now. :(

 

My attitude is (I'm sure not the best) anytime you think the grass is greener....get on out the door and get it!:o I will be perfectly happy without you! ;)

 

Just my 2 cents worth....if it helps :)

Good luck to you...I know the feelings - and it sucks!

 

That's my thoughts and feelings as well it wont take much to kick her arse out the door, I don't feel that strong about her anymore. I'm not saying it would be easy..........but a lot easier than it would have been 12 months ago. I distance myself from having the same love for her I once had to protect myself. If you've read the earlier posts I've mentioned she is trying very hard to make it up to me, but its still not enough I will never forget and i'm a long way from forgiving

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