My wifes affair with her boss

[road]

WW is going to have to find another job. One without overnight stays. Jobs with travel are bad for marriages. As you found out the hard way.

 

There are going to be other, co workers other trips. Whether WW knows it she is a target there. Other people that work there know she was doing her boss. Now that boss is gone she is available fool around again is what is going through the minds of the rest of the work force there.

 

Part of recovery is that WW has to find a new job without over night travel.

[2sunny]

Seems her married OM has had consequences - but she really hasn't suffered great pain and changes from her bad behavior.

 

If nothing's changed - then nothing changes.

 

You've targeted her OM to make those changes - but not your wife. Why aren't you allowing her room for suffering major consequences for her bad behavior?

[stillafool]

I guess your wife knows now that the other man never loved her regardless of what he said to get in her pants. He was deathly afraid of losing his wife and family and whether or not your wife has addressed this with you, trust me, it has been on her mind. They don't automatically stop thinking or fantaszing about the OP just because they were caught. She is going through a withdrawal from him right now. I agree with Sunny, she needs to find a new job because she does not need to travel anymore. Can't trust her. I feel sorry for the OM's wife, he lost his job and I wonder what lie he told her as to why he's not working there anymore. This man and your wife are extremely selfish.

[harrybrown]

Make sure you have your wife tell her family and your family. How do you know she is not still lying? Have her give you a timeline and journal of the affair. She does not respect you.

 

I would file for divorce.

[Running Man]

3 years of cheating and she tells you those lame a$$ excuses? You put alot of effort making the OM pay. What does she have to do besides going through the motions.

[nothappy1971]

Sorry but yes u find you are an arrogant douche.

 

You are laying more blame on her mm than on her. Why did he have to change jobs and not her? Why wouldn't you just inform his wife, and the company and let him deal with it on his side. While you and your wife dealt with it on yours. It was her choice to cheat, so she should keep her salary? For your benefit I'm guessing while her mm had to leave his job? Why did your wife get to stay at the company when she obviously hadn't worked her way up? You should have informed them and let the chips fall.

 

 

She's giving you lame excuses, you are making her your slave. Not a healthy reconciliation if you ask me. She cheated for 3 years, that's a long time. That's not a one night stand for sex. That's and emotional investment in another man. From alot of what you posted I think you are only staying with her to punish her. To reap the benefits of her being your slave.

 

Your both gross.[/quote

 

Go back and read what I have written again and if you still have the same opinion don't bother responding again as you are clearly a Dick with a piss poor opinion. She is not a slave and why should we suffer financially with her leaving her job that would only add the the pressure. My aim is not to punish her forever but she needs to learn a lesson. I don't walk away unless all is lost. That is all

[Speakingofwhich]

OM's wife suffered from his decreased income. Why should she have to suffer in this way when you didn't? She is no more guilty than you are.

 

I can understand why you didn't want OM and your W working together any longer. But, surely there was another way to handle this so that OM's W didn't have to suffer the decreased income.

 

It's already done, I realize that. But, it bears looking into this aspect of the equation so that you can learn more about yourself and do some maturing.

 

Why didn't you take into consideration the hardship that AP's family would endure when he lost his job?

 

Is it possible that it was a selfish and arrogant move on your part to basically oust AP from his job, causing his family to suffer?

 

Is it possible that selfishness and arrogance on your part may have played into the dynamics of the problems in your marriage? I'm not suggesting it was OK for your W to have an A because you're selfish.

 

I'm just challenging you that you might want to go to counseling and learn more about yourself in order to ensure your M is in the best shape possible to endure through the future.

 

I am really bothered by what you did to APs family. APs wife has done nothing to hurt you.

[nothappy1971]

OM's wife suffered from his decreased income. Why should she have to suffer in this way when you didn't? She is no more guilty than you are.

 

I can understand why you didn't want OM and your W working together any longer. But, surely there was another way to handle this so that OM's W didn't have to suffer the decreased income.

 

It's already done, I realize that. But, it bears looking into this aspect of the equation so that you can learn more about yourself and do some maturing.

 

Why didn't you take into consideration the hardship that AP's family would endure when he lost his job?

 

Is it possible that it was a selfish and arrogant move on your part to basically oust AP from his job, causing his family to suffer?

 

Is it possible that selfishness and arrogance on your part may have played into the dynamics of the problems in your marriage? I'm not suggesting it was OK for your W to have an A because you're selfish.

 

I'm just challenging you that you might want to go to counseling and learn more about yourself in order to ensure your M is in the best shape possible to endure through the future.

 

I am really bothered by what you did to APs family. APs wife has done nothing to hurt you.[/quote

 

You are correct the wife is an innocent party but my priority is my family. I don't want to cause her anymore distress I also know she is on a very large salary so financially she will be fine as is her partner who has a new job. So apart from him being a cheat they are fine. Emotions run high in situations like this and restraint is something I've tried to show. At no point have a made myself out to be perfect. As tempted as I was I could have split them up. I have had counciling and that has helped. But I do need to take control of a bad situation and have done the best I can. Only time will tell if it all works out.

[GorillaTheater]

OM's wife suffered from his decreased income. Why should she have to suffer in this way when you didn't? She is no more guilty than you are.

 

I can understand why you didn't want OM and your W working together any longer. But, surely there was another way to handle this so that OM's W didn't have to suffer the decreased income.

 

It's already done, I realize that. But, it bears looking into this aspect of the equation so that you can learn more about yourself and do some maturing.

 

Why didn't you take into consideration the hardship that AP's family would endure when he lost his job?

 

Is it possible that it was a selfish and arrogant move on your part to basically oust AP from his job, causing his family to suffer?

 

Is it possible that selfishness and arrogance on your part may have played into the dynamics of the problems in your marriage? I'm not suggesting it was OK for your W to have an A because you're selfish.

 

I'm just challenging you that you might want to go to counseling and learn more about yourself in order to ensure your M is in the best shape possible to endure through the future.

 

I am really bothered by what you did to APs family. APs wife has done nothing to hurt you.

 

Beyond the OP's reply, I'd add that NotHappy didn't do anything to the OM's wife, the OM did. The OM accepted the possible consequences when he chose to bang another man's wife, not to mention his employee. NotHappy bears no responsibility for those consequences, which are quite reasonable under the circumstances.

[2sunny]

What consequences has your wife suffered - besides what you've obviously stated so far?

 

Did you expose to all family, friends and her work?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So I am not exactly sure why the hostility towards the OP?

 

He has not notified the other BS. True.

 

But honestly, are you guys saying that other BS do not place more blame on the AP than the WS? Come on its TYPICAL.

 

Are you guys saying that wishing slow torture for the AP of your WS is not typical?

 

Are you saying that telling your WS that if they want to stay married that they need to do the heavy lifting isn't also typical?

 

Are you suggesting that putting rules (transparency, no travel etc) is more than you would do?

 

Is the hostility because he's a male? Or because he was honest about his wish to harm the AP, I mean, wishing doesn't make it so.

 

I can't tell if the negative responses come from AP, WS or other BS. But with the exception of not telling the other spouse. What has he done wrong here?

[Betrayed&Stayed]

So I am not exactly sure why the hostility towards the OP?

 

The Other Women are over here to defend their fellow AP. Non-remorseful adulterers like to validate each other.

 

Poor guy (AP), he screwed his married co-worker and now has to face the music. He's lucky the OP has shown incredible physical restraint.

[Artie Lang]

So I am not exactly sure why the hostility towards the OP?

 

me, either.

 

i think he did better than most in his situation.

 

 

he should be free to pursued R if he so choses without being chastised for it.

[Speakingofwhich]

Beyond the OP's reply, I'd add that NotHappy didn't do anything to the OM's wife, the OM did. The OM accepted the possible consequences when he chose to bang another man's wife, not to mention his employee. NotHappy bears no responsibility for those consequences, which are quite reasonable under the circumstances.

 

 

I thought of that line of reasoning before posting, Gorilla. But, had to reject it as fallacious because though it was an indirect consequence of OM's action(s) it was a direct result of Not Happy's action. Imho, NotHappy showed a lack of compassion to OM's wife & children by ousting OM from his job and causing their family income to decrease.

 

NotHappy was understandably angry with OM and wanting to put distance between OM and his W. To me that doesn't warrant taking actions that further hurt OM's W and children who are not only innocent, just as NotHappy is, but are also wounded as he is.

 

That seems selfish and thoughtless to me.

 

Had OM's wife found out and had NotHappy's W fired I would see it the same way. In other words, her actions being thoughtless for subjecting NotHappy to decreased income as he, also, was innocent.

 

NotHappy, I read your post, too, and I believe you mentioned that they weren't hurting now in a financial sense as OM's W is a high-salary earner. However, their (her specifically) finances were based on their dual income, just as yours and your W's probably are. No one likes to have their income slashed and OM's income being slashed did affect OM's W and children.

 

There is a lot of fallout from any deceitful action (not just from As) but NotHappy chose to subject OM's family to fallout that he wasn't willing to shoulder for his own family, though his own wife was complicit in the A.

 

That is why, imho, it was a selfish and thoughtless action. Granted, OM was also selfish and thoughtless, but "two wrongs don't make....."

[GorillaTheater]

I thought of that line of reasoning before posting, Gorilla. But, had to reject it as fallacious because though it was an indirect consequence of OM's action(s) etc. etc.

 

You were posting just a week ago how you were wanting your affair partner to leave his wife, so forgive me if I give your opinion the shortest of short shrifts.

[Artie Lang]

I thought of that line of reasoning before posting, Gorilla. But, had to reject it as fallacious because though it was an indirect consequence of OM's action(s) it was a direct result of Not Happy's action. Imho, NotHappy showed a lack of compassion to OM's wife & children by ousting OM from his job and causing their family income to decrease.

 

NotHappy was understandably angry with OM and wanting to put distance between OM and his W. To me that doesn't warrant taking actions that further hurt OM's W and children who are not only innocent, just as NotHappy is, but are also wounded as he is.

 

 

That seems selfish and thoughtless to me.

 

Had OM's wife found out and had NotHappy's W fired I would see it the same way. In other words, her actions being thoughtless for subjecting NotHappy to decreased income as he, also, was innocent.

 

NotHappy, I read your post, too, and I believe you mentioned that they weren't hurting now in a financial sense as OM's W is a high-salary earner. However, their (her specifically) finances were based on their dual income, just as yours and your W's probably are. No one likes to have their income slashed and OM's income being slashed did affect OM's W and children.

 

There is a lot of fallout from any deceitful action (not just from As) but NotHappy chose to subject OM's family to fallout that he wasn't willing to shoulder for his own family, though his own wife was complicit in the A.

 

That is why, imho, it was a selfish and thoughtless action. Granted,

OM was also selfish and thoughtless, but "two wrongs don't make....."

 

it seems the OP got the jump on the OM. if the script were flipped, the OM's BS would've had the same option NotHappy had. i agree that both these people should've been ousted from the job, but it is what it is. as they say "he had the shot, so he took it." good for him.

 

furthermore, "selfish and thoughtless" is having an affair in the first place..... worse yet, is having an affair with a co-worker. you stand to lose more than your family- you stand to lose you livelihood!

Edited August 14, 2013 by Artie Lang

[road]

Sorry but yes u find you are an arrogant douche.

 

You are laying more blame on her mm than on her. Why did he have to change jobs and not her? Why wouldn't you just inform his wife, and the company and let him deal with it on his side. While you and your wife dealt with it on yours. It was her choice to cheat, so she should keep her salary? For your benefit I'm guessing while her mm had to leave his job? Why did your wife get to stay at the company when she obviously hadn't worked her way up? You should have informed them and let the chips fall.

 

 

She's giving you lame excuses, you are making her your slave. Not a healthy reconciliation if you ask me. She cheated for 3 years, that's a long time. That's not a one night stand for sex. That's and emotional investment in another man. From alot of what you posted I think you are only staying with her to punish her. To reap the benefits of her being your slave.

 

Your both gross.[/quote

 

Go back and read what I have written again and if you still have the same opinion don't bother responding again as you are clearly a Dick with a piss poor opinion. She is not a slave and why should we suffer financially with her leaving her job that would only add the the pressure. My aim is not to punish her forever but she needs to learn a lesson. I don't walk away unless all is lost. That is all

 

 

You know nothing of recovery. Your WW has to leave that job.

[road]

I thought of that line of reasoning before posting, Gorilla. But, had to reject it as fallacious because though it was an indirect consequence of OM's action(s) it was a direct result of Not Happy's action. Imho, NotHappy showed a lack of compassion to OM's wife & children by ousting OM from his job and causing their family income to decrease.

 

NotHappy was understandably angry with OM and wanting to put distance between OM and his W. To me that doesn't warrant taking actions that further hurt OM's W and children who are not only innocent, just as NotHappy is, but are also wounded as he is.

 

That seems selfish and thoughtless to me.

 

Had OM's wife found out and had NotHappy's W fired I would see it the same way. In other words, her actions being thoughtless for subjecting NotHappy to decreased income as he, also, was innocent.

 

NotHappy, I read your post, too, and I believe you mentioned that they weren't hurting now in a financial sense as OM's W is a high-salary earner. However, their (her specifically) finances were based on their dual income, just as yours and your W's probably are. No one likes to have their income slashed and OM's income being slashed did affect OM's W and children.

 

There is a lot of fallout from any deceitful action (not just from As) but NotHappy chose to subject OM's family to fallout that he wasn't willing to shoulder for his own family, though his own wife was complicit in the A.

 

That is why, imho, it was a selfish and thoughtless action. Granted, OM was also selfish and thoughtless, but "two wrongs don't make....."

 

 

For all we know the OP's WW could of been the aggressor or just as aggressive as the OM.

 

WW had more to gain from banging her boss then from the boss banging her. We know from the OP that the OM used his position as a WW boss to make things better for WW at work.

[Speakingofwhich]

"You are correct the wife is an innocent party but my priority is my family. I don't want to cause her anymore distress I also know she is on a very large salary so financially she will be fine as is her partner who has a new job. So apart from him being a cheat they are fine. Emotions run high in situations like this and restraint is something I've tried to show. At no point have a made myself out to be perfect. As tempted as I was I could have split them up. I have had counciling and that has helped. But I do need to take control of a bad situation and have done the best I can. Only time will tell if it all works out.

 

I appreciate this comment and also your attitude, NotHappy, and do "get" your line of reasoning. Protecting your family is your priority and I applaud that! Also, what's done is done regarding the job.

 

The thing I'm pointing out is that why not take a little more time to think it through and try to protect ALL of the innocent parties? In other words move beyond self (your own well being) to think of others (OMs family) by not getting him fired from his job?

 

Granted, it is OM's role to think of and protect his own family. And he failed. But, you had the opportunity, since you're the one who knew about the affair and OM's W didn't know, to consider the well being of the other wounded party before taking action. That would have been unselfish.

 

I feel sympathetic toward your situation. You have been mistreated and you are doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. It's really great that you've been going to counseling.

 

The reason I mentioned this is not to beat you up verbally about it, you have been through enough!

 

I just wondered, and I may be off base, if possibly you may have a tendency to deal with your wife in the same manner in your M as you have dealt with OM's W, (not OM, he may have deserved it!)without probably realizing it. In other words, thinking of yourself and your own interests before thinking of her and her interests. I cringe to write that as it is your W, not you, who has gotten you into this situation. But, I know you are, admirably, wanting to really take care of your M and get it in the best possible shape for the future and this may be one thing that could use some attention.

[Speakingofwhich]

You were posting just a week ago how you were wanting your affair partner to leave his wife, so forgive me if I give your opinion the shortest of short shrifts.

 

You're forgiven, Gorilla!

[road]

"You are correct the wife is an innocent party but my priority is my family. I don't want to cause her anymore distress I also know she is on a very large salary so financially she will be fine as is her partner who has a new job. So apart from him being a cheat they are fine. Emotions run high in situations like this and restraint is something I've tried to show. At no point have a made myself out to be perfect. As tempted as I was I could have split them up. I have had counciling and that has helped. But I do need to take control of a bad situation and have done the best I can. Only time will tell if it all works out.

 

I appreciate this comment and also your attitude, NotHappy, and do "get" your line of reasoning. Protecting your family is your priority and I applaud that! Also, what's done is done regarding the job.

 

The thing I'm pointing out is that why not take a little more time to think it through and try to protect ALL of the innocent parties? In other words move beyond self (your own well being) to think of others (OMs family) by not getting him fired from his job?

 

Granted, it is OM's role to think of and protect his own family. And he failed. But, you had the opportunity, since you're the one who knew about the affair and OM's W didn't know, to consider the well being of the other wounded party before taking action. That would have been unselfish.

 

I feel sympathetic toward your situation. You have been mistreated and you are doing the best you can with the hand you've been dealt. It's really great that you've been going to counseling.

 

The reason I mentioned this is not to beat you up verbally about it, you have been through enough!

 

I just wondered, and I may be off base, if possibly you may have a tendency to deal with your wife in the same manner in your M as you have dealt with OM's W, (not OM, he may have deserved it!)without probably realizing it. In other words, thinking of yourself and your own interests before thinking of her and her interests. I cringe to write that as it is your W, not you, who has gotten you into this situation. But, I know you are, admirably, wanting to really take care of your M and get it in the best possible shape for the future and this may be one thing that could use some attention.

 

 

Not against the OM losing the job because he had an affair.

 

The WW had a work place affair and now needs to leave her job as well.

[nothappy1971]

Theres a lot of talk regards the OM wife/partner and her feelings both emotional and financial. I'll make this clear to all. My priority is to my family its not that I don't care about his partner but I don't know her or their kids and anyone thinking that telling her wouldn't result in any kind of financial loss/home etc is deluded. So the loss of his job hasn't actually upset their finances as I mentioned he is working again and she earns quite a lot. When this all came out I had the first 24hours of hell to deal with a bad situation I didn't have time to sit around and meditate or consider my actions. I just acted from my gut and anger to deal with it. To be honest I never gave the his partner a second thought in that time apart from using her as extra leverage to remove him from the situation (Are there many who wouldn't do the same).

 

As for my wife I do want her out of that job as well and she is currently looking at options. I look at life this way I don't F**K with anyone unless they F**K with me. I have shown more restraint than I thought I could. I have no idea if he and his partner are still together or what he told her when he left his job and whatever she is doing I hope she is well, but as for him he was a high power corporate arse who would hire and fire and did this from a position of position and power in the real world where I live I had the power of fear and used it so he got a taste of his own medicine. I'm now trying to love and trust my wife again but although we have got so far it has plateaued. Counselling did go through the phases of rebuilding trust etc and that there would be stumbling blocks along the way and at the moment I am stumbling which is the reason I came on here. Some will disagree with me and take the other parties side which is something I find odd and only understandable if I had been violent or abusive or even had an affair myself and maybe some are just trying to get a rise out of me. Whats done is done I did what I did I never begged her to stay I gave her the option to leave. If she did it would destroy me and I told her that. I Said to her "you better be 100% sure you want to be with me" It was her idea to book counselling and she has paid for every meeting to put things right. I am as convinced as possible that she does want to be with me and she is sorry but not 100%. She has bent over backwards to make it upto me which I don't take for granted. My marriage means little or nothing to me its gone from the best day of my life to a waste of thousands of pounds I was the one to arrange wedding anniversaries as a surprise and in fact lots of surprises and now I cant be bothered. I said in earlier posts I do love her and want to be with her but getting past this is going to take time. If anyone finds this hard to understand then i'm not sure what world you live in

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

I am as convinced as possible that she does want to be with me and she is sorry but not 100%. She has bent over backwards to make it upto me which I don't take for granted. My marriage means little or nothing to me its gone from the best day of my life to a waste of thousands of pounds I was the one to arrange wedding anniversaries as a surprise and in fact lots of surprises and now I cant be bothered. I said in earlier posts I do love her and want to be with her but getting past this is going to take time. If anyone finds this hard to understand then i'm not sure what world you live in

 

This is a problem. In what way do you feel she is not 100% sorry?

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

Although I've forced him out of a job I want him to get complacent then speak to his partner. I just need to choose my moment.

 

He chose to have sex with your wife. He knew she was married, he knew he was her boss, he knew she had a husband, and he knew if he got caught he could get fired, he could be facing an angry husband. He was willing to take that risk for three years and it only ended when he got caught. He gets what he deserves. He had no compassion for you.

 

As far as his wife is concerned, she has the right to know. She is making life decisions - whether to buy a house, whether to have another child, whether to continue in her marriage - possibly based on a lie. Don't put off telling her. If she doesn't believe you, there's not much you can do about it, but telling her is the right thing to do. If I were in her position, if you were in her position, we both would want to know.

 

A three-year affair - she may have had her own suspicions. Or she may even already know.

[road]

"Theres a lot of talk regards the OM wife/partner and her feelings both emotional and financial. I'll make this clear to all. My priority is to my family its not that I don't care about his partner but I don't know her or their kids and anyone thinking that telling her wouldn't result in any kind of financial loss/home etc is deluded. So the loss of his job hasn't actually upset their finances as I mentioned he is working again and she earns quite a lot. When this all came out I had the first 24hours of hell to deal with a bad situation I didn't have time to sit around and meditate or consider my actions. I just acted from my gut and anger to deal with it. To be honest I never gave the his partner a second thought in that time apart from using her as extra leverage to remove him from the situation (Are there many who wouldn't do the same)."

 

 

You did good by just instinct. Instinct only goes so far you need to get the book Surviving An Affair. It will open your eyes to everything that has to be done to recover your marriage.

 

 

"As for my wife I do want her out of that job as well and she is currently looking at options."

 

 

You left that detail out.

 

 

"I look at life this way I don't F**K with anyone unless they F**K with me."

 

 

Just because someone does something does not mean you have to always react a certain way.

 

 

"I have shown more restraint than I thought I could."

 

 

Too much. The OMW needs to be told. You made a bad deal. Proof that you need that book

 

 

"I'm now trying to love and trust my wife again but although we have got so far it has plateaued. Counselling did go through the phases of rebuilding trust etc and that there would be stumbling blocks along the way and at the moment I am stumbling which is the reason I came on here."

 

 

Another reason why you need that book.