My wifes affair with her boss

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Theres a lot of talk regards the OM wife/partner and her feelings both emotional and financial. I'll make this clear to all. My priority is to my family its not that I don't care about his partner but I don't know her or their kids and anyone thinking that telling her wouldn't result in any kind of financial loss/home etc is deluded. So the loss of his job hasn't actually upset their finances as I mentioned he is working again and she earns quite a lot. When this all came out I had the first 24hours of hell to deal with a bad situation I didn't have time to sit around and meditate or consider my actions. I just acted from my gut and anger to deal with it. To be honest I never gave the his partner a second thought in that time apart from using her as extra leverage to remove him from the situation (Are there many who wouldn't do the same).

 

As for my wife I do want her out of that job as well and she is currently looking at options. I look at life this way I don't F**K with anyone unless they F**K with me. I have shown more restraint than I thought I could. I have no idea if he and his partner are still together or what he told her when he left his job and whatever she is doing I hope she is well, but as for him he was a high power corporate arse who would hire and fire and did this from a position of position and power in the real world where I live I had the power of fear and used it so he got a taste of his own medicine. I'm now trying to love and trust my wife again but although we have got so far it has plateaued. Counselling did go through the phases of rebuilding trust etc and that there would be stumbling blocks along the way and at the moment I am stumbling which is the reason I came on here. Some will disagree with me and take the other parties side which is something I find odd and only understandable if I had been violent or abusive or even had an affair myself and maybe some are just trying to get a rise out of me. Whats done is done I did what I did I never begged her to stay I gave her the option to leave. If she did it would destroy me and I told her that. I Said to her "you better be 100% sure you want to be with me" It was her idea to book counselling and she has paid for every meeting to put things right. I am as convinced as possible that she does want to be with me and she is sorry but not 100%. She has bent over backwards to make it upto me which I don't take for granted. My marriage means little or nothing to me its gone from the best day of my life to a waste of thousands of pounds I was the one to arrange wedding anniversaries as a surprise and in fact lots of surprises and now I cant be bothered. I said in earlier posts I do love her and want to be with her but getting past this is going to take time. If anyone finds this hard to understand then i'm not sure what world you live in

 

OP, you did fine...better than most I warrant in a time of great pain.

 

 

So to your QUESTION for is thread. Your recovery has plateaued.

 

They say recovery takes 3-5 years...eek right? Well a LTA can take longer.

 

It's why reconciliation is not for pussies. And it's not a straight up progress line, it's up and down...for years..with incremental progress forward.

 

You may need individual counseling to help in real life because at some point...all the books say you have to take a leap and trust. Maybe you can...maybe you can't.

 

Can you talk more about why you think she's not giving 100% and what plateaued means?

[aliveagain]

Friend please understand that all types post on here, betrayed spouse's as well as those that betrayed their own families and some that are still betraying their families. Sometimes it's good to hear from both sides but you don't need to act on all the advice you receive because some of it is just crap. The OM may have abused his power of authority before, your wife may not be his first rodeo, he deserves what he gets regardless of how it affects his family, he has to be stopped from hurting others. His wife needs to know what he has done to your family so she can choose the right path for hers. Your wife is just as guilty, it wasn't a drunken one night stand, she was all in for 3 years, that's more than a thousand opportunities to do something once a day, easy to do when you work together. She could have stopped it anytime but chose not to until you busted her, that's her hell to live now and unfortunately you and your family were victimized into it.

 

My ex's affair lasted just over 2 years, she threw in the added bonus of an affair child who I raised as my son for a year thinking he was mine, I know your pain. You do what you need to do to save your family, if you can't, that's ok too because sometimes we just can't get over the betrayal but at least you know you gave it your all. People who have affairs weigh the potential risk of being caught before the kinky sex starts(all the sh*t they do with them but are too afraid to do with us) they know the consequence of being caught but still do it. Do not worry about OM, he didn't worry about you when he had your wife in his office. You decide what you need to stay in the marriage because your not the one that gave up on it. Your doing good.

[turnera]

Are you guys going to regular MC? IMO, it's essential for you both, to get you on an even playing field.

[2sunny]

Did you expose her bad behavior to her work - her family - her friends? Or did you stay quiet in those areas - thus, helping her avoid consequences for what she created?

[Bugz Bunny]

And this is why I hate LTA...

 

The WS cant make it up...you cant make up for 3 years of deceit,humiliation and sex with another man...

 

In the end however you look at this she had amazing sex for 3 years that you cant match (not because he is better in bed but because of the thrill in affair sex),she then got busted and now has a better and more attentive and communicative husband who is taking her on date nights and all this as an result of her affair...

 

She cant and never will understand your pain because its imposible to understand unless you are an BS...

 

It may seem harsh from me but I think its the sad reality about LTA and how someone as an BS loses a lot and especialy if he decides to reconcile...

 

But if you remain on the"reconciliation road" I wish you luck and to find the deserved happiness because it will be tough...

 

Good Luck

[nothappy1971]

Did you expose her bad behavior to her work - her family - her friends? Or did you stay quiet in those areas - thus, helping her avoid consequences for what she created?

 

 

I was tempted to go into her work on few occasions to go after the OM, but decided to make a scene. The only other people you know are a colleague at her work and a friend who I had to tell so she could take our little lad for the day after I found out. I'm sure others know just not sure how many, but nothing has yet come out to bite me in the ass.

[nothappy1971]

Are you guys going to regular MC? IMO, it's essential for you both, to get you on an even playing field.

 

 

We are at counselling regularly

[nothappy1971]

Friend please understand that all types post on here, betrayed spouse's as well as those that betrayed their own families and some that are still betraying their families. Sometimes it's good to hear from both sides but you don't need to act on all the advice you receive because some of it is just crap. The OM may have abused his power of authority before, your wife may not be his first rodeo, he deserves what he gets regardless of how it affects his family, he has to be stopped from hurting others. His wife needs to know what he has done to your family so she can choose the right path for hers. Your wife is just as guilty, it wasn't a drunken one night stand, she was all in for 3 years, that's more than a thousand opportunities to do something once a day, easy to do when you work together. She could have stopped it anytime but chose not to until you busted her, that's her hell to live now and unfortunately you and your family were victimized into it.

 

 

 

My ex's affair lasted just over 2 years, she threw in the added bonus of an affair child who I raised as my son for a year thinking he was mine, I know your pain. You do what you need to do to save your family, if you can't, that's ok too because sometimes we just can't get over the betrayal but at least you know you gave it your all. People who have affairs weigh the potential risk of being caught before the kinky sex starts(all the sh*t they do with them but are too afraid to do with us) they know the consequence of being caught but still do it. Do not worry about OM, he didn't worry about you when he had your wife in his office. You decide what you need to stay in the marriage because your not the one that gave up on it. Your doing good.

 

 

Thanks for that its appreciated........ I wish you well

[2sunny]

I was tempted to go into her work on few occasions to go after the OM, but decided to make a scene. The only other people you know are a colleague at her work and a friend who I had to tell so she could take our little lad for the day after I found out. I'm sure others know just not sure how many, but nothing has yet come out to bite me in the ass.

 

You seem to think exposing will bite YOU in the ass?

 

It IS part of what is real - what SHE DID.

 

Expose - and allow HER to deal with the consequences she created from HER cheating.

 

It looks like you are covering up her behavior FOR HER... Are you?

 

If she doesn't have many consequences - she's very likely to do it again...

[road]

And this is why I hate LTA...

 

The WS cant make it up...you cant make up for 3 years of deceit,humiliation and sex with another man...

 

In the end however you look at this she had amazing sex for 3 years that you cant match (not because he is better in bed but because of the thrill in affair sex),she then got busted and now has a better and more attentive and communicative husband who is taking her on date nights and all this as an result of her affair...

 

She cant and never will understand your pain because its imposible to understand unless you are an BS...

 

It may seem harsh from me but I think its the sad reality about LTA and how someone as an BS loses a lot and especialy if he decides to reconcile...

 

But if you remain on the"reconciliation road" I wish you luck and to find the deserved happiness because it will be tough...

 

Good Luck

 

 

Wrong way to look at things. Every affair can always of been worse.

Thank god it was only oral.

TG it was only one time.

TG it was only one year.

TG it was only one OM

TG it was unprotected, think what could of happened.

TG it was only one OC, you may at first say TG for one OC. Yes because it could of been 2, 3, or more.

 

Recovery is not to be based solely on what happened during the affair.

 

I have seen many a BH on dday find out that their WW is knocked up by the OC and recover and keep the OC and raise it as it was his own.

 

I do not look down upon these BH. They looked at the big picture and and did what was the overall best interest decision for them.

[road]

I was tempted to go into her work on few occasions to go after the OM, but decided to make a scene. The only other people you know are a colleague at her work and a friend who I had to tell so she could take our little lad for the day after I found out. I'm sure others know just not sure how many, but nothing has yet come out to bite me in the ass.

 

 

This is not even a partial exposure at work. There has been no official writing to upper management. Without that management will not respond. Even if "rumors" get back to them.

 

Not telling the OMW is a big mistake. No consequences, such as you keeping her affair secret has led many a WW to get over the fear of getting caught and they have another affair.

Edited August 15, 2013 by road

[BeholdtheMan]

OP, I hate to say this...but you are behaving like a doormat. Either leave your wife or stay but make her suffer consequences for her betrayal.

 

Now is the time for you to test her commitment to reconciliation if that's really the path you want to take

[aliveagain]

Talk to your lawyer about a postnuptial agreement with sever financial consequences if she cheats again. If she is sincere about fidelity she shouldn't have any hesitation signing one.

[karnak]

I still can't understand why people go through so much turmoil in situations like these. I know I would be crazy with so much suspicion and second-guessing. I'm one of those guys who desperately need piece of mind.

 

Better for each to part ways and try to find true happiness elsewhere, rather than go throgh life always looking over your shoulder.

 

Life with fear isn't life. It's self-slavery.

[Owl]

For those relationships that actually DO recover/reconcile properly, that "fear and distrust' and "looking over your shoulder" doesn't last a lifetime.

 

I grant not all relationships get to that point, or even can get to that point.

 

Some do. It's up to the folks IN the relationship to work out whether or not they can get to that point and make that choice to reconcile or end it and move on.

 

My marriage is well-recovered. I don't spend time looking over my shoulder, nor hers. I'm confidant that we're as 'safe' as any other marriage is out there.

 

If that changes at some point in time...if for some reason I fear that it's happening again...I'd end it without trying to reconcile a second time. But I'm damned glad we were able to address the issues this time.

 

It's up to the OP to decide what he wants to do...what he thinks he and his wife are capable of...and work the situation from there.

[nothappy1971]

OP, I hate to say this...but you are behaving like a doormat. Either leave your wife or stay but make her suffer consequences for her betrayal.

 

Now is the time for you to test her commitment to reconciliation if that's really the path you want to take

 

It's not a case of being a door mat but its a fine line between being firm and being a complete bastard to her. I'm walking that line constantly. She deserves hell but I'm trying to save my marriage and not completely destroy it.

[2sunny]

It's not a case of being a door mat but its a fine line between being firm and being a complete bastard to her. I'm walking that line constantly. She deserves hell but I'm trying to save my marriage and not completely destroy it.

 

You didn't destroy it - if it ends, it's because SHE decided the solution to your marital problems was to cheat.

 

Why are you owning her behavior like its yours? This looks worse than being the willing doormat.

 

 

Read up on co dependency. You need to know what is yours and what is hers.

 

Learn about healthy boundaries...you need some. It looks like you have none - that allows tons of harm to self.

[Darth Vader]

Someone else here mentioned if this wasn't her first affair, I'd get your son tested to make sure he's yours!

 

I think your wife just wanted a little strange! It's true, she's sorry she got caught!

[nothappy1971]

Someone else here mentioned if this wasn't her first affair, I'd get your son tested to make sure he's yours!

 

I think your wife just wanted a little strange! It's true, she's sorry she got caught!

 

 

My son is a copy of me but with more hair lol. so quite sure hes mine. I've got a long road ahead of me and it will be hard but I don't give up easily. She will have to work 100 times as hard to make it up to me.

[Calcmag]

Talk to your lawyer about a postnuptial agreement with sever financial consequences if she cheats again. If she is sincere about fidelity she shouldn't have any hesitation signing one.

 

There's no basis in law for such an agreement in the UK. I can see your point though.

[nothappy1971]

There's no basis in law for such an agreement in the UK. I can see your point though.

 

 

Actually these have started to become more common and I have considered this option

[aliveagain]

There's no basis in law for such an agreement in the UK. I can see your point though.

 

I am in Canada, we base our Constitution on British Statutes and Orders-in-Council the main one being the Statute of Westminster, 1931 which recognizes Canada as being independent of Britain. We have postnuptial agreements here, I wonder if they call it something else there.

[BeholdtheMan]

It's not a case of being a door mat but its a fine line between being firm and being a complete bastard to her. I'm walking that line constantly. She deserves hell but I'm trying to save my marriage and not completely destroy it.

Your idea of firm is a wobbly pudding

 

In order to be truly firm, you have to accept the possibility that your marriage might not be saved, it might not even be worth saving...

 

If you're so afraid of losing the marriage that you're afraid to do anything that might drive your wife away, there's no way you'll be behaving in a firm manner.

 

To be firm means to draw a line in the sand, to set standards, if she doesn't meet those standards, you leave before she even has a chance to beg you back.

 

Right now, what you're doing is behaving in a way that clearly telegraphs to your wife that you're too afraid to demand a lot from her for fear of losing her. She can sense your weakness, and the longer this goes on, the less repect she'll have for you.

[nothappy1971]

Your idea of firm is a wobbly pudding

 

In order to be truly firm, you have to accept the possibility that your marriage might not be saved, it might not even be worth saving...

 

If you're so afraid of losing the marriage that you're afraid to do anything that might drive your wife away, there's no way you'll be behaving in a firm manner.

 

To be firm means to draw a line in the sand, to set standards, if she doesn't meet those standards, you leave before she even has a chance to beg you back.

 

Right now, what you're doing is behaving in a way that clearly telegraphs to your wife that you're too afraid to demand a lot from her for fear of losing her. She can sense your weakness, and the longer this goes on, the less repect she'll have for you.

 

 

 

 

I disagree I'm am form and have set rules and standards she has to live by. She is under no doubt that if she does anything that goes against these rules I will kick her arse out of the door regardless if is the last thing I want to do. Last night for instance i brought up jow i was feeling and we spoke for 2 hours about it. I spelt out the rules to her again and told her its upto her to prove herself to me she's got a lot of hard work.

[2sunny]

Has she gotten a new job yet?

 

What consequences has she had?