Married and falling in love

[Lisa]

I am or have been happily married. I have known my husband for five years and we've been married for a year. He is nice and kind and does not treat me badly in anyway. THe only problem with our realtionship is that we like very different things, music, social activities, travel and in someways are out of sync, mentally, sexually. But that said, we have a good life and nothing is unbareable. I've meet another man. I was NOT looking to start a realtionship or meet anyone. He is also married. We share alot in common, we have similiar backgrounds, likes, life goals and desires. We both feel that we are a perfect match for the other in temperment and intellect. That does not mean that I think he is perfect, becuase he is not. I want to express that this realtionship is very realistic and built on real knowlegde of the other person, not fantasy feelings. We talked for three months on the phone and by e-mail, I've known him for almost two years and it was just in the last three months that things have changes in this way. Anyway, I belive that I am in love with him and have told him so. He feels the same but neither of us wants to hurt our spouses. What should we do?

[Savanna]

I am or have been happily married. I have known my husband for five years and we've been married for a year. He is nice and kind and does not treat me badly in anyway. THe only problem with our realtionship is that we like very different things, music, social activities, travel and in someways are out of sync, mentally, sexually. But that said, we have a good life and nothing is unbareable. I've meet another man. I was NOT looking to start a realtionship or meet anyone. He is also married. We share alot in common, we have similiar backgrounds, likes, life goals and desires. We both feel that we are a perfect match for the other in temperment and intellect. That does not mean that I think he is perfect, becuase he is not. I want to express that this realtionship is very realistic and built on real knowlegde of the other person, not fantasy feelings. We talked for three months on the phone and by e-mail, I've known him for almost two years and it was just in the last three months that things have changes in this way. Anyway, I belive that I am in love with him and have told him so. He feels the same but neither of us wants to hurt our spouses. What should we do?

I think you need to tell him because then you are just going behind your husbands back and that isn't very cool. I mean if you figure out who you love then maybe you shouldn't be in love.

[Ryan]

I'm not exactly sure what your motivation for this marriage was in the first place. The idea that your relationship isn't unbearable doesn't instill much feeling in my mind. I have to wonder how this started.....did you get married young? Was this one of the first relationships you had, perhaps the first serious one? Were you trying to get away from some difficult situations?

 

Either way, clearly you aren't happily married. You wouldn't be establishing other relationships to the degree of love (as you believe it). If you have any children, I'd like to see you work on the marriage you have now, at least for their sake. Talk to your husband and try to improve the quality of what you DO have.

 

You should also realize that if you choose to pursue anything with this other man, he is breaking his committment of marriage for you. Is that really what you want in a man?

 

My advice is to attempt to reconstruct the marriage you have. If that simply isn't going to work, fully COMPLETE a separation between you and your husband before you start any new relationships. In fact, you would probably benefit greatly from a period of self-reflection so you don't make the same mistakes again. Once you are ready to work on relationships again, stick with men who aren't currently involved.

[Lisa]

I just wanted to add some information help inform comments. I did not get married until I was 30 years old, I do not have any children, niether does he. I really want someone to provide me a well thought opinion and not simply a reactionary, statement. It has to be possible that you can go about your life, marry someone and feel that's it and THEN meet the person who, is there is such a person, is the love you never thought was possible. I got married becuase I loved my husband. I didn't know that it was possible to feel what I feel and have what I have with this other person. LIfe changes things that no never thought you would or could feel, you may feel. If either of us had children, then I agree it would be very different. How do I turn my back on what everything in my heart and mind is telling me is right. I am or have been considered a very stable person. I've never even cheated on a boyfriend. But this, this is so different and it's not the sex. I feel like life or God has sent me this gift and no, it won't be easy to get to it, but I feel pulled toward this and I don't know why, I just know, it's right, right as rain and I ready to risk everything because I know most people will live their entire lives and never feel they way I've felt with him, never have the sense of certainty and fit. Can't anyone understand that life can be so much more, simple and complicated than any of us start out believing?

I am or have been happily married. I have known my husband for five years and we've been married for a year. He is nice and kind and does not treat me badly in anyway. THe only problem with our realtionship is that we like very different things, music, social activities, travel and in someways are out of sync, mentally, sexually. But that said, we have a good life and nothing is unbareable. I've meet another man. I was NOT looking to start a realtionship or meet anyone. He is also married. We share alot in common, we have similiar backgrounds, likes, life goals and desires. We both feel that we are a perfect match for the other in temperment and intellect. That does not mean that I think he is perfect, becuase he is not. I want to express that this realtionship is very realistic and built on real knowlegde of the other person, not fantasy feelings. We talked for three months on the phone and by e-mail, I've known him for almost two years and it was just in the last three months that things have changes in this way. Anyway, I belive that I am in love with him and have told him so. He feels the same but neither of us wants to hurt our spouses. What should we do?

[Terry]

Lisa ,

 

What you are experiencing is common among

 

people in a relationship that's not what we think

 

it to be. You really need to make a list of what

 

you think you need to IMPROVE you married relationship

 

Talk to your husband about what the two of you can

 

do to IMPROVE it also. Diversity is good in some

 

measures. Please don't throw away your last 5 yrs.

 

thinking the grass is greener or more fun can be had

 

with this other man. Hurting your LOVE giving husband

 

is the very last thing on Earth you would ever want to

 

do. Sit down with your husband and make a list also and

 

discuss it with him. There are so many ways to enjoy your

 

present LOVE. You have it now don't blow it. It is at a

 

point of desperation that you and the other man connect.

 

You are trying to fulfill what is lacking in you your present Love been and is giving relationship. Please.

 

Please. Please. Try moving to another house, or changing

 

foodstores, or go on a vacation with your husband and bring

 

that Dreamy look in the eyes back into your marriage.

 

Enjoy Life and Cherish your Love giving Husband, let

 

him know how to LOVE you better. Maybe keep this other guy

 

as a friend or just stop talking to him for awhile and

 

let this new list of marriage improvements take hold.

 

Terry

 

I am or have been happily married. I have known my husband for five years and we've been married for a year. He is nice and kind and does not treat me badly in anyway. THe only problem with our realtionship is that we like very different things, music, social activities, travel and in someways are out of sync, mentally, sexually. But that said, we have a good life and nothing is unbareable. I've meet another man. I was NOT looking to start a realtionship or meet anyone. He is also married. We share alot in common, we have similiar backgrounds, likes, life goals and desires. We both feel that we are a perfect match for the other in temperment and intellect. That does not mean that I think he is perfect, becuase he is not. I want to express that this realtionship is very realistic and built on real knowlegde of the other person, not fantasy feelings. We talked for three months on the phone and by e-mail, I've known him for almost two years and it was just in the last three months that things have changes in this way. Anyway, I belive that I am in love with him and have told him so. He feels the same but neither of us wants to hurt our spouses. What should we do?