What's the best tactic move now?

[desperategirl]

Hey all,

 

I've posted a few times about a very close guy friend of mine, who I had strong feelings for. He lives far away, and I was asking advice about whether it sounded whether he liked me or not.

 

While he was visiting, we had a lot of awkward silences, spent tonnes of time (basically everyday) together and lots of people picked up on a vibe between us. We eventually kissed (initially by him) on the day he left.

 

We then had a very awkward and long conversation, in which he said there was obviously an attraction, but there could be nothing, as he doesn't live in the same country. We both agreed there was tonnes of stuff going on in our minds that was hard to verbalise. He said he didn't know how I was feeling as I was being "walled off."

 

He also said he had discussed the situation with a few people, and said his plan was to do nothing, because of the distance thing, and that he didn't want to have a fling, or meaningless sex, as he was only here for a short while. I asked why he kissed me then, and he said it was irresistible. I also asked why we spent so much time together if he actively wanted to avoid anything happening, and he said he wanted to see him.

 

He told me I'm one of his closest friends, and that his primary concern is that things don't get really awkward, as we talk a lot, and he appreciates being able to talk to me about stuff. He also said we get on well, and said he finds me really, really attractive, but that another thought he'd had was about how I'm divorced, and how people say that can make someone clingy, as it's so so soon since my realationship ended. This upset me, for which he appologized.

 

He said neither of us should have any expectations, and he just wanted to make sure that everything was ok before he left, and that we would be friends, and he felt like we were making a mountain out of a molehill. I felt pretty terrible, and he didn't seem to really get why.

 

We haven't spoken for a few days - I know he felt like he'd upset me, and I think he's waiting for me to contact him. I think.

 

I left the conversation pretty devastated to be honest. I felt it was very onvious that I liked him more than he liked me, and I had no idea really what to do regarding the friendship. On one hand, the thought of being "just friends" feeling the way I do about him is tough, on the other hand, the thought of not having him in my life at all is tough. I mean, we weer literally communicating several times a day before this.

 

Would it be best to do nothing, wait until the next time I see him in a few months, or should I just be friends with him? What do you mkae of the situation? Any advice received gratefully.

[clia]

Well, you aren't going to like this response, but I think you need to cut all contact with this guy. You want a relationship; he doesn't. That does not make a good recipe for a friendship. If you feel devastated now, think about how you will feel if he gets a new girlfriend. Plus, remaining friends with him given how you feel about him will actually prevent you from moving on to find a guy who does want to have a relationship with you. It will be difficult at first to make the transition to him not being in your life, but you can certainly do it. You lived without him before, so you can live without him again.

[desperategirl]

Thanks for your response. I don't dislike it, per se. Is it totally obvious that he doesn't want a relationship. I mean, it is, but does it seem like a pragmatic decision based on distance etc, or because he doesn't seem interested. He did say if he lived here, we could date and 'see what happened,' but that there were so many what ifs.

 

The reason I haven't contacted him yet is because I am considering cutting all contact, so I appreciate your very clear advice. Thanks.

[CarrieT]

What Clia said.

 

You can't be friends with someone that you have feelings for and when/if he starts to date someone, you will hurt all over again.

 

Just best to move on and spend time with guys that are in closer proximity to you.

[desperategirl]

females prefer unavailable males. nothing new

 

Funny you should say this: I did wonder if part of his appeal was the distance/unavailable thing. But I liked him a long time before he left the country.

 

I think cutting contact is a really valid option. So sad to lose one of my best friends though. Rather, he seemed sadder at the possibility of losing our friendship. i don't know. Guess it's a great cop-out line.

[desperategirl]

What Clia said.

 

You can't be friends with someone that you have feelings for and when/if he starts to date someone, you will hurt all over again.

 

Just best to move on and spend time with guys that are in closer proximity to you.

 

This makes sense, but thinking about it, is it not circumstance rather than him not liking me that's the problem? My friend thinks this is the best outcome I could have hoped for. I'm not holding out for anything, and in fact have a couple of dates lined up, but if we both understand that we have some kind of chemistry, but can't do much about it, can't we have some kind of friendship?

 

I do keep swinging from wanting to be friends, to wanting NC. It's tough.

[desperategirl]

Would still love any advice on this one please! thank you!

[New User]

I'd echo the earlier poster's suggestion that you cut contact. Yeah, it sucks. Seeing him get involved with other gals will probably suck more though. He made his position pretty clear and it doesn't sound like you will be happy just being friends with him. Find another guy.