So... Have i lost all my opportunities? a bit urgent.

[Northernone]

Alright, here goes nothing. Tell me if you need more.. info about this all.

IF you have time for help, of course. I thank you all, and i hope this is in the right section, i need to get things right.

 

Brief intro about the past:

 

I told my best girl friend i love her (we had gone through so much together and were the closest friends ever imaginable), but we stayed friends, since she wasn't ready for a new relationship and that our friendship would be in danger, i accepted the result back then. This happened two months ago.

One month ago i found out she was interested in someone, she was worried if i was mad at her now, which i was not, and said that too to her, and told her that whenever she needs me i would be there, and she said she wouldn't ever want to hurt me. Now they are together, but here comes the more complicated part of it:

 

One week ago:

 

Week ago she a bit "uncomfortably" asked me to take her home from the city at night (why uncomfortably? She didn't want me to think she was just using me when she needed me, and according to her she felt ashamed because of our current situation). I of course accepted to take her home, and on the way home she brought up our situation once again. We stopped to nearby gas station to talk the things through, first time face to face.

 

She told her situation, she liked someone else, she had feelings for me in the past (a few months ago, but i wasn't sure of her current situation back then, since she had a complicated and "grim" relationship still going) she said that it didn't bother her if i have feelings for her, but now that we are so close friends she doesn't want anything bad to happen between us,

she feared that in the future our friendship (we really haven't made contact to each other in the past ½ months, and if she was in a relationship after our last year of vocational school ends) would eventually vanish, since she was going to move to nearby city and i'm going to army so that we wouldn't be as close as we used to be, at this point she started to cry, and told me more about her past relationships which were just horrible for her, and that when she had feelings for me... I don't really remember what she said to that, but still.

I did my best to comfort her and once again, i told her how i truly loved her more than anything in my life, and that she had no need to be afraid, since what ever happens, she would forever be most important thing to me in my life. And i told her it was now fine if she had someone else in mind, since i cannot be mad over that kind of thing, actually i couldn't be angry for her whatever happened. After telling my own situation i too shred a tear (after many, many years, and yeas, men shouldn't do so), and told her watching to her eyes saying will this prove her that i mean what i say.

 

After each other had told our hearts out we started to hug very "intensively", she said that i meant so very much for her, and i told her that too. We repeated things we had said and our names and i said that "see, what ever happens we will always prevail over everything.", and she gave me a few kisses to my cheek and neck, and i asked if it was alright for me to do the same for her once, she said it was alright.

We both watched each other to the eyes almost the whole conversation, and when i told her again and again how i really love her, she watched me to my eyes the whole time eyes in tears, with look that i cannot really explain.

After 15 minutes she was confident that i didn't carry any burden for her situation and that our relationship was still in great shape.

 

She told me that her boyfriend was coming tomorrow to the city (since there's a little music festival going on there) and she asked me if i would meet him, which i replied that it would maybe be too hard for me for now, she was fine with it.

After this, we happily concluded our conversation to an end, hugging each other once again in relief and saying goodbye to each other.

 

But, after a few days she sent me this message. She told me that we will NEVER be more than friends. What she told me doesn't change that she's with her current bf and if she's to break up with him she would even less likely be with anyone, and that she is tired of avoiding her words because then i would think she likes me, and that she wants to be just friends in the present and in the future.

 

I told her that of course i know her current situation, and i don't want to intervene, i cannot help my feelings and i hope things are getting better for us, and i said that if i did something inappropriate, i hope that she can one day forgive me.

 

I had a conversation with friend of mine (and hers) about the conversation she and the girl i love had. My friend said that she truly wants to be with my friend, if i don't "pressure" her with my feelings. (which i don't think i have, i just have brought them up).

 

So, the question is: Have i lost all my changes to be with her for good, forever?

Now, if you doubt something do not doubt how much i care and love for her.

Even so, i am not going to hang on the hope that she changes her mind, if the opportunity for us comes and my situation in life allows it, i am willing to be with her.

We meet tomorrow, on our first day at school (last year at vocational school for us) and then after tomorrow, we are working in different places for 2 months and then we return to the same class.

This is why this is urgent.

 

How i can get things right? Remember, we are on the same class for one last year.

[jay23]

I know this situation... It's not fun. Basically you should ask yourself if during the different conversations you had with her did her tone change? When you hugged her was she sweet and loving, but then cold and callous when she turned you down? If so, she's struggling with personal conflicts and unfortunately you're probably not going to end up the winner in this situation. Are you two right for each other? Probably, but my guess is that being with you would require her to be a stronger person and the guy she's dating instead is the easier to date -- no strong feelings. Being a strong person is hard work even though it pays off in the long run, and she's not willing to do it to be with you. In the long run taking the easy way will likely bite her in the ass, but she doesn't know it yet.

 

So, you might have one shot but it's not a pleasant one. Ask yourself, how much do you love this girl? Would you spend your whole life celibate for one chance to kiss her at 80? She's taken the easy (but dull/painful) path in life and slipped through your fingers. The only thing that will bring her back to you is complete devastation and the realization that the easy way always leads to catastrophe. Catastrophe comes in two flavors: quick and jarring, and slow and painful. If she is suddenly shaken by some sort of disaster you could have a chance of saving her from herself and being there for her. Maybe she'll come around, but maybe not. But if she's on the life path of slow self-destruction, you'll just get more of the same from her. It's like this whole time you've been holding her hand and making her life more pleasant as she slowly drifts into oblivion. It's a slow sad death of the soul you're witnessing. I know this all sounds melodramatic, but it's how 90% of this country lives their lives. Have you seen the hopeless state of Adults in this country? Mortgaged to the hilt with no passion left in life? Do you think they were born this way? They all started out like your friend and then their souls slowly died by repeatedly taking the "easy way" out.

 

If you are religious, pray for your friend. Otherwise, all you can do is be there when life deals her a crushing blow. But you can't save her from taking the easy way in life. True love is difficult.

 

That's my best guess... I see it happen all around me. Nobody wants to fight for anything. Everyone just wants to lay down and die.

[Northernone]

There's no doubt how much i love her, and i have told her that.

So she knows where i stand, i have no intentions to be "clingy" and annoying by repeating my feelings over and over again.

Also, i should make you aware that i am not from the America, i'm from northern Europe, but still i guess the things go quite the same way.

My friend who i talked about my situation told me that (according to her) the girl i'm in love with surely has feelings towards me (since my friend has talked with her about this all).

I have come to question this statement, but anyways.

 

I just... Want to see what is the right path to take, without loosing her completely.

[jay23]

Being there is all you can do. Don't do too much, but don't play head games either. She has to meet you half way, and you can't make her do that. You could possibly help her find the strength, but first you have to find it in yourself. You must not want her for the things she can give you, you must want her for the things you can add to her life with the implication that once she is strong enough the two of you will both use that love to give life to another human being. This has to be your reasoning or you will have 0% chance.

 

Don't do to much for her because this is a sign of neediness as well. Just be there, and love her. That's it, and maybe you have a chance. But I'll warn you your odds aren't good. If you're religious, pray. If she's religious (any religion), you have a better shot. If you are both secular human beings with limited love to give to anyone other than yourselves, it'll likely end up a sad melodrama. Sorry.

 

... not that religion is a prerequisite, it just makes impossible thing like this much easier. Secular people aren't necessarily bad people, they're just hopeless. And hope is what you need now.

 

*For reference: (since it looks like I've accidentally high-jacked your thread with a argument for theism) secularism is a sad form of unintentional atheism because man cannot serve two masters.

Edited August 13, 2013 by jay23

[jay23]

ALSO, the number one linch-pin to my whole understanding of this situation is dissonance. Is there dissonance in the way she acts towards you? Does she act one way sometimes and then completely different other times? I feel like there must be, and if so then everything I've written is likely true. However, if she's 100% consistent in all of your interactions then perhaps it's something strange I haven't encountered.

[jay23]

Ok. So you wanted a solution from me. Here it is. Convince her pick a religion, meditate, pray, whatever. Don't be forceful about it, but loving and guiding. It doesn't completely matter which one, just something. Something is better than nothing. You might have better luck with the Abrahamic religions than the Eastern ones, although they're a tougher sell...

 

Her head is scattered right now and she doesn't know what she wants because she's subconsciously operating under the influence of conflicting worldviews that living in an open society requires. Religion is the antidote of open societies and the dissonance that results from them. You should first begin prayer and meditation yourself to ask for guidance before attempting to approach her, otherwise you'll likely be met with resistance or backlash. When the time is right, ask her to begin praying. Ask her to meditate. Daily. You do the same, and just be there for each other while you begin to understand how the world really works.

 

 

Good luck. Keep us posted on how things go.

Edited August 13, 2013 by jay23