Cheating husband won't sign a postnup

[vera345]

I need advice. My husband had an EA with woman who loves 10,000 miles away. He never meet her but they wrote each other for about 15 months.

I confronted him bc he became cold towards me, never initiated sex, etc.

he told me that he loves 2 women and that he didnt really know what to do with this.

I did a lot of mistakes after I found out, cried, tried to convince him that our marriage was good, he didnt listen. After 2 weeks of no contact with her I found out that he started to talk to her again.

By that time I read tons of posts here and did full 180 on him. I told him that I still love him but will not tolerate an affair. I told him to leave. He said fine. He was searching for a place to live, I was indifferent, had a new hair cut and decided to move on with my life. He noticed and in 3 days told me that he broke up with that woman because of "stress and financial reasons."

He then started to tell me that I don't care about him if I gave up our marriage so easily and that he was shocked to my reaction.

Last week end, we sat down and talked. He admitted that what he did was wrong told me that he never stopped love me and we decided to work on our marriage.

The problem is that I don't trust him and part of me thinks that he chose to stay with me bc of comfort and finances and the fact that we have a child together. He invested a lot in my education and I am at the point where I started to make a good money after we lived for years on limited budget. My pay will go up with years and his wont. I worry that that's the real reason why he wants to stay. I can't explain his comment about stress and finances any other way.

I asked him to sign a postnaptual agreement staying that if either party will cheat, the innocent party gets a house. He refused. He says that this is an attempt to control him and that he will not live with a document like this. He says that no document can rebuild the trust and we just need time. That I don't want someone to stay with me for financials reasons and he wouldn't want me to do it too. I disagree and he won't back up on this.

What do you think I should do?

I feel like he did a horrible thing and now isn't willing to pay any consequences. The postnaptual is not about forcing anyone to stay in a marriage, it's about cheating.

[GorillaTheater]

"If you don't want to sign, please don't. I understand perfectly that you need to look after your interests, just as I have to look after mine. I'll start the divorce paperwork immediately."

[vera345]

Got this from him

We're divorcing because you won't accept me back without a post-nup. I'll never sign one ever. Not for anyone, at any point in my life. Never. I cannot love a person who makes me sign one. I would forever hate that person. That's how I'm built. That's the choice I make for my own life. I won't do it for any person on this planet. Not because I don't trust myself. Because I cannot love a person who would make me sign. I'm at the apartment now.

[Ladydrib]

Got this from him

We're divorcing because you won't accept me back without a post-nup. I'll never sign one ever. Not for anyone, at any point in my life. Never. I cannot love a person who makes me sign one. I would forever hate that person. That's how I'm built. That's the choice I make for my own life. I won't do it for any person on this planet. Not because I don't trust myself. Because I cannot love a person who would make me sign. I'm at the apartment now.

 

He's saying that because he knows he can't behave so he's turning it around on you, implying you're not lovable for requesting it.

 

If you wanted to leave him and had proof he was cheating, can't you get the house anyway? Does he really need to sign something? Talk to a lawyer. Inform yourself. Don't give him any power. And don't let him make you think that anything you need for security is unreasonable. What's unreasonable is that a cheater would expect their BS to feel secure without additional measures.

[Keenly]

You are pretty much asking him to sign over the hous, when you should be asking him to sign divorce papers.

[Minnie09]

He made his choice and he made it clear to you. Don't backpedal now. He is the one who broke your trust and shows no remorse. He's the one who disrespected you and now wants you to do the heavy lifting in order to repair the damage. He's making demands. Don't give in to them. He'll never respect you if you do. He's already moved out, and fast he did it(!), despite a child being involved. That shows that his priorities are effed up big time.

[bentleychic]

If you wanted to leave him and had proof he was cheating, can't you get the house anyway? Does he really need to sign something? Talk to a lawyer.

 

It probably depends on the state. Infidelity doesn't matter in terms of marital assets in a lot of states.

[HopingAgain]

It sounds like he's trying to manipulate you. If he has no intention of cheating in the future then why wouldn't he want to sign? It would have no effect on him because he wouldn't be doing anything to cause it to be enforced. If he can't do what it takes to get you to a place of comfort and security again then let him go! He is being ridiculous because either way, post nup or divorce its gonna cost him money!

[vera345]

He didnt move out. I told him when he wasnt willing to chose between me and ow. We still live together and he was trying to make it up to me all this week until I brought up a postnuptial.

Our state is no fault. If this happens again we will have to divide everything.

Now he threatens me with divorce and moving out bc I want postnuptial, he says I am golddigging and heartless person only care about money.

And that I broke marriage bc I wouldn't accept him without postnuptial.

In fact I told him that I need this to help rebuild the trust and that if in several years we may be in different place we will simply tear this document apart.

I am not backing up on this, I told him that I will sign this document and it will say that if either party cheats, not just him, it will apply to both of us.

I am thinking he is selfish and doesn't really love me

[ChooseTruth]

Got this from him

We're divorcing because you won't accept me back without a post-nup. I'll never sign one ever. Not for anyone, at any point in my life. Never. I cannot love a person who makes me sign one. I would forever hate that person. That's how I'm built. That's the choice I make for my own life. I won't do it for any person on this planet. Not because I don't trust myself. Because I cannot love a person who would make me sign. I'm at the apartment now.

 

If you divorce it's because he cheated and won't face the consequences. He won't be held accountable for his actions and will hate anyone who holds him accountable. Pretty selfish.

[vera345]

In his mind he doesn't think the trust can be rebuild by postnaptual.

He says I just need to trust him and if I can't than marriage is over

[vera345]

He said that he talked to several people and everyone tells him that I am tiring to control him and not love him. I disagree

[CarrieT]

He said that he talked to several people and everyone tells him that I am tiring to control him and not love him. I disagree

Well, here you are talking to several people who are telling you that he does not love you and is trying to control you...

 

Frankly, most pre-nups don't stand up in court for a variety of reasons but creating one that is binding upon action or inaction of a person (versus tangible assets that pre-exist a relationship) seems entirely unenforceable.

[Realist3]

Well, here you are talking to several people who are telling you that he does not love you and is trying to control you...

 

Frankly, most pre-nups don't stand up in court for a variety of reasons but creating one that is binding upon action or inaction of a person (versus tangible assets that pre-exist a relationship) seems entirely unenforceable.

 

I agree with this. You are barking up the wrong tree. A post-nup is meaningless.

 

It is my opinion you have more serious fish to fry. Basing a relationship on a document is a recipe for disaster. Your bestoption is probably just to end it.

[ChooseTruth]

Well, here you are talking to several people who are telling you that he does not love you and is trying to control you...

 

Frankly, most pre-nups don't stand up in court for a variety of reasons but creating one that is binding upon action or inaction of a person (versus tangible assets that pre-exist a relationship) seems entirely unenforceable.

I've read this too, and read that courts hate any kind of pre\post nup...but I don't really care. The point is he should be jumping through whatever hoops he has to to make the marriage work. What she needs for him to do to rebuild trust is what she needs. He doesn't get to decide what he *thinks* *should* be the right thing for her to trust again, especially being the cheater. If he isn't willing to do the hard work that says a lot about where things are going. He's taking all the power here. When the cheater holds the power, it's time to walk away. That was a really hard lesson for me to learn. You can't plays these games. It just ends up a giant mess...yes...with you trying to control each other. If he won't give you what you need, don't try to control him...just walk away. Enough of the drama, it'll only make things worse. If on the other hand you need to do what you need to do to feel like you gave everything you had before divorcing, I understand that too(I did that myself)...just beware...it can lead to a lot of suffering with an unremorseful do nothing WS.

[vera345]

Postnuptial agreements are enforceable if drafted right. I have a lot of legal experience and that's why he understands that if I draft it- it will be enforceable where we live.

I agree that at this point he should try to do everything to save his marriage and he doesn't. The reason why I was trying so hard and didnt file a divorce was because I still love him and we had many good years together. He wasnt abusive to me than and we had very good relationship. He helped me with school, supported me for many years and I just don't think

I should give up on this so easily. We had many problems in the last couple years and they contributed to where we are now. He was very sick for 9 months and spent days in his bed at home. This is when EA started. We also struggled with 4 years of infertility and different treatments. It affected me deeply and our sex life.

With all of this, I understand that it was then and now we have an entire different situation on our hands. And that there is nothing I can do if he doesn't love me anymore.

He is also very stubborn too.

I will continue to ask for the postnaptual. I am not backing up

 

I will

[ChooseTruth]

Postnuptial agreements are enforceable if drafted right. I have a lot of legal experience and that's why he understands that if I draft it- it will be enforceable where we live.

I agree that at this point he should try to do everything to save his marriage and he doesn't. The reason why I was trying so hard and didnt file a divorce was because I still love him and we had many good years together. He wasnt abusive to me than and we had very good relationship. He helped me with school, supported me for many years and I just don't think

I should give up on this so easily. We had many problems in the last couple years and they contributed to where we are now. He was very sick for 9 months and spent days in his bed at home. This is when EA started. We also struggled with 4 years of infertility and different treatments. It affected me deeply and our sex life.

With all of this, I understand that it was then and now we have an entire different situation on our hands. And that there is nothing I can do if he doesn't love me anymore.

He is also very stubborn too.

I will continue to ask for the postnaptual. I am not backing up

 

I will

I totally understand where you are coming from, but be warned, as you continue to ask and push for what you need...I predict that things will only get worse. Neither of you can control the other, the more you try, the more drama and pain. Either one of you gives in (maybe not for the best, how much can you REALLY take?), or you walk away.

[New User]

Anyone who would sign a post-nuptial agreement is a damn fool. He has no reason to do so nor is he likely to benefit in any way from it. You're going to wind up getting divorced at this point anyway. Might as well start the process sooner rather than later.

[vera345]

I don't see why anyone who would sign it is a fool, unless he plans to do it again.

The post nup is only about cheating.

I got home and we got into big argument. He wouldn't back up on this and I feel that he can't promise me to be faithful.

He told me that he wouldn't sign it bc I it shows that I only care about materialistic things, not my marriage. Then slammed the door packed a set of clothes and left.

I feel like he isn't trying to save his marriage and he doesn't really care.

I was in denial all this week about his real feelings now I see them. I would rather know now than years later. It just didnt feel like a real remorse from him, especially after his comments about stress and finances.

[New User]

I don't see why anyone who would sign it is a fool, unless he plans to do it again.

The post nup is only about cheating.

I got home and we got into big argument. He wouldn't back up on this and I feel that he can't promise me to be faithful.

He told me that he wouldn't sign it bc I it shows that I only care about materialistic things, not my marriage. Then slammed the door packed a set of clothes and left.

I feel like he isn't trying to save his marriage and he doesn't really care.

I was in denial all this week about his real feelings now I see them. I would rather know now than years later. It just didnt feel like a real remorse from him, especially after his comments about stress and finances.

 

 

Because he gains nothing. If you're going to reduce your marriage to a simple business contract you should be able to recognize when there is no benefit for the other party from this new focus. I won't bother commenting on fidelity other than to say that it doesn't sound like there's been any. He talked to another chick online..... that he's never met..... Great. You want to rewrite your business contract based on something that thin and you don't understand why he doesn't want to.

 

As to the finances- the tone and underlying theme in everything that you have written on this has been monetarily based. From what I've seen here I can't really understand why he'd want to save the marriage. I can, however, understand why he'd be concerned about getting shafted in a divorce after financially supporting you when you went for a career upgrade. Particularly if you define infidelity as talking to some other chick online when you rewrite your business agreement.

 

So..... no. He has absolutely nothing to gain from this, hence he would be a damn fool to sign it. If you don't trust him file for divorce- that's where you're going to wind up anyway. Sooner is always better than later. Good luck.

[vera345]

I am not trying to reduce my marriage to some business contract. I am simply trying to protect myself financially if she chose to cheat again.

He didnt simply talk to some chick online - he told her that he loved her, that he wanted to have a family with her. He told me that he is in love with her and with me. If you don't think this is cheating I don't know what else you will consider as cheating.

I offered him to work on our marriage and than 2 weeks later found him talking to her again. It is a big deal for me.

This chick affected our life.

We are facing big changes in our life- move, building a new house. All that I asked was to sign an agreement stating that if one of the parties cheats, non cheating spouse stays at the house. I don't want to sell the house and move and suffer financial consequences because of his choices

I know that if he decides to do we will suffer financially but I simply want to keep a house and don't move anymore. He can find him another place to stay.

 

You said that he has nothing to gain from this- I disagree. It will help me to rebuilt my trust- this should be important for him, it will help me to recover and reduce my pain, and it will help him to save his marriage. I also told him that when in the future I will trust him again we can simply to tear that paper. But all of this is nothing for him and this is the reason why he has nothing to gain from this- if he simply is not willing to help me to get through this and he doesn't care that it will help me to trust him more.

[New User]

Again

 

HE. GAINS. NOTHING. FROM. THIS. It really is that simple. He really would be a fool to sign it. If you don't trust him, another business contract isn't going to change that.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

Forgive me if I didn't see this before but how long have you been married?

 

After my affair (the second dday) and only 6 weeks after my husband wanted me to sign a post nup saying I was waiving my rights to everything we had together. We had been married almost 30 years. His reasoning was some of what we had acquired was gifted to us by his parents. While I understood where he was coming from, I also had sacrificed much of my life raising three kids, supporting him through school and his career while putting mine on the back burner. While that was something i wanted to do at that time, there was no way in hell I was going to sign something like that and throw away what might have been some support during a time I might had needed income to get on my feet or maybe further my education.

 

I felt like it was manipulation and so did our MC - it absolutely was and he admitted it later.

 

Not a good way to go in my opinion. We are almost 4 years past dday for me and almost 2 years past dday for him (yes he ended up having a revenge affair).

 

Don't impose this on him - no way to "enforce" recovery IMHO.

[tbf]

Why are you arguing for holding onto him? Forget the postnup and ditch the loser before your career really takes off, he quits working and you're trapped into paying alimony.

[vera345]

He gains a chance to save his marriage