Cheating husband won't sign a postnup

[vera345]

I am reading 180 again. Will start implementing it more.

I am already doing it but not everything. I am having fun with mom who is visiting me right now, take her shopping, to the lake, etc. He was at home on week end, babysitting, when we went to the lake.

I am not showing too much interest in what he is doing, but its hard and I asked some questions about our future or his apartment. I will stop and be happy and indifferent when he is here.

[vera345]

I thought I will feel better if we live apart but I am actually feel worse. I have this pain in my chest from the time I wake up until I go to bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about everything and what do I need to do.

 

This has been a week since he stopped writing ow. He comes to the house every day, plays with our kid, and text me during the day. The thing is that all his questions are about our daughter. He never asked me once how I feel and never brought up the subject of our relationship. He said it helps to spend some time apart and calm down. But I can't really calm down bc we are not doing anything, I don't see him trying to connect with me or working on our divorce. Seems that he just want to hang in a limbo again and wait for something. I am not sure if he still loves me.

 

 

I am doing 180, acting like I don't care, don't respond immediately when he calls and doing things for myself. However, it's very hard and I am about to confront him and ask what's the hell is going on and what is this that he really want. We don't talk about R bc I don't bring it up and he is not starting any conversations about it too. He also doesn't bring any conversations about divorce.

 

 

We have a 3 day week end coming and I am not sure what to do with myself. He usually calls and asks if he can come and spend time with our baby. He says he can't take her to his place bc it stinks. I don't know if I need to hang around or just leave, seems he doesn't care.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I thought I will feel better if we live apart but I am actually feel worse. I have this pain in my chest from the time I wake up until I go to bed. I wake up in the middle of the night and think about everything and what do I need to do.

 

This has been a week since he stopped writing ow. He comes to the house every day, plays with our kid, and text me during the day. The thing is that all his questions are about our daughter. He never asked me once how I feel and never brought up the subject of our relationship. He said it helps to spend some time apart and calm down. But I can't really calm down bc we are not doing anything, I don't see him trying to connect with me or working on our divorce. Seems that he just want to hang in a limbo again and wait for something. I am not sure if he still loves me.

 

 

I am doing 180, acting like I don't care, don't respond immediately when he calls and doing things for myself. However, it's very hard and I am about to confront him and ask what's the hell is going on and what is this that he really want. We don't talk about R bc I don't bring it up and he is not starting any conversations about it too. He also doesn't bring any conversations about divorce.

 

 

We have a 3 day week end coming and I am not sure what to do with myself. He usually calls and asks if he can come and spend time with our baby. He says he can't take her to his place bc it stinks. I don't know if I need to hang around or just leave, seems he doesn't care.

 

 

Ultimately you have to do what you have to do. I will make a couple of suggestions to help you think about it.

 

First, you need to be able to feel calm (or at least not scream and yell)

 

I would ask him to talk with you privately after he has had a little time to play with your daughter. Get a babysitter and go someplace quiet. Coffee shop, restaurant whatever.

 

Take the divorce papers with up you.

 

Tell him that it is time to make decisions about your relationship as a couple.

 

He remains your daughters father and that won't change, but that is not a good enough reason to stay married and you will not continue to live in limbo indefinitely.

 

He expressed many things over that last few weeks and while he does not seem to be anxious to divorce, he also does not seem anxious to address or resolve the issues his affair have caused or any prior marital issues. And that is not acceptable.

 

He said many hurtful things over the last weeks/months and while you love HIM and want to stay in the marriage, you do not want to prevent him from being happy if he thinks that cannot be with you.

 

If he wants to stay married, so very serious stuff has to change and he can take 24 hours to think about it.

 

1. Full commitment to affair recovery and all the work.

2. Eliminate friends who participated, allowed, planned trips, carried messages or encouraged if any. M

3. Full written timeline of all affair activities 100% disclosure of this affair and any others, times. Dates, names, special songs, places, events, who knew when etc. lies he told you, lies he told others-- you may never want to read it but he should do this and needs to come completely clean. One shot only. This should take quite a while and may end up being painful for him. Give him a due date.

4. Full commitment to MC with focus first on infidelity.

5. IC for both of you

6. Full transparency,leave cell phone unlocked and out, emails, texts, chats, skype, no deleting ever without your permission.

7. Immediate, instantaneous notification if any of APs contact in any way. Immediate notification if he makes an additional boundary error.

8. Disclosure to others in whatever level you choose, supported by MC.

9. Identification of and disposal of all gifts, mementos, photos, etc. of APs.

10. Required reading of, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"

11. Participate in Marriage builders, or surviving infidelity web sites.

12. Total and complete honesty.

13. Acceptance of your waivering feelings without defensiveness.

14. Full commitment to doing exactly what he says he will do, and what you agree to.

15. No boys nights or solo activities for near term. Only couples/family activities.

16. No avoidable business travel.

17. No solo meetings, travel, conversations, with any female, that is not 100% work related.

18. He needs to move home immediately

19. He needs to help with household care and child rearing to free up some of your burden.

20. Weekly dates.

21. Resuming sexual relations.

 

Print the list. Read it together. Have him as questions if he's unsure of what you want. Your list may differ, but you will want to make sure he does full disclosure.

 

Prepare a visitation and child support plan and have it with you when you meet. Hand him the divorce, visitation, child support docs in one envelope and the list maybe with a copy of a couple books, How to help your spouse heal from your Affair. The five love languages, (other people may have their favorites.) in the other.

 

Exactly two choices. I would do this Saturday give him till Sunday PM to think about it.

 

IIWII

[vera345]

I think this is a very good idea. He already gave me all his passwords including email, Skype, cards, everything. He is helping with household chores, he spent several hours yesterday helping to fix a broken toilet, he spends time with the kid.

He texts me after he goes back to his apartment and tells me what he is doing without me asking. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't take any trips by himself.

But, he isn't trying to reconnect with me either, he doesn't discuss his plans or any future or any feelings that he has. He is being a good dad and good friend this is it.

I am afraid that if I force him now to do something pursuant to the plan I would know if he does it bc he wants to or bc I told him. I would like for him to ask me to spend some time together, my mom is here and can watch out baby. He doesn't do it. This is where I struggle. I really don't want to force him to do anything I want to know what he wants to do. Maybe I need to wait and see if nothing happens within the next 2 weeks just to walk away. I want him to initiate R and if he doesn't I ready to walk away

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I think this is a very good idea. He already gave me all his passwords including email, Skype, cards, everything. He is helping with household chores, he spent several hours yesterday helping to fix a broken toilet, he spends time with the kid.

He texts me after he goes back to his apartment and tells me what he is doing without me asking. He doesn't have any friends and doesn't take any trips by himself.

But, he isn't trying to reconnect with me either, he doesn't discuss his plans or any future or any feelings that he has. He is being a good dad and good friend this is it.

I am afraid that if I force him now to do something pursuant to the plan I would know if he does it bc he wants to or bc I told him. I would like for him to ask me to spend some time together, my mom is here and can watch out baby. He doesn't do it. This is where I struggle. I really don't want to force him to do anything I want to know what he wants to do. Maybe I need to wait and see if nothing happens within the next 2 weeks just to walk away. I want him to initiate R and if he doesn't I ready to walk away

 

I think you guys both are playing chicken.

 

He told you he was shocked how easy you gave up or something right?

 

So take my list and adjust it to better fit your sitch. Eliminate or adjust.

 

But I do think telling him to jump back in...invest etc. or divorce is a good conversation to have.

 

He needs to move back in...start trying to repair your marriage, try to recover or give up.

 

That's not forcing him to do anything he has choices, you have choices.

 

IIWII

[vera345]

You are right I will do it. I don't think he told me how easy I gave up.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Vera

 

How you doing?

[vera345]

I had a long conversation with him. Told him that if he wants to save his marriage he needs to move back and really work on it.

He did, and we spent a quite week.

Today, I check his text messages on his cell phone through internet account, and found out that 30 messages were sent this Sunday. I confronted him and he started to tell me that she kept texting him and he simply advised her to get a medical help. I don't believe this

He also deleted all messages. When I asked him why he said he didn't want to make me angry, and didn't want me to interrogate him until 2 p.m

So I had enough and told him to get out of my life and sign the divorce papers.

 

There is something else. I found out that I am pregnant. I did a blood test last Friday and dr called me today and confirmed that it is positive. I told him about this this week end. He told me that we just need to wait and see if dr confirms this. It was confirmed today.

He now blames me for this, tells me he can't afford this child. Told me that its not a good idea to have a child now when our relationship are so bad. I told him that I am keeping this baby with him or without him.

 

I am getting divorce now.

[Coolit]

I had a long conversation with him. Told him that if he wants to save his marriage he needs to move back and really work on it.

He did, and we spent a quite week.

Today, I check his text messages on his cell phone through internet account, and found out that 30 messages were sent this Sunday. I confronted him and he started to tell me that she kept texting him and he simply advised her to get a medical help. I don't believe this

He also deleted all messages. When I asked him why he said he didn't want to make me angry, and didn't want me to interrogate him until 2 p.m

So I had enough and told him to get out of my life and sign the divorce papers.

 

There is something else. I found out that I am pregnant. I did a blood test last Friday and dr called me today and confirmed that it is positive. I told him about this this week end. He told me that we just need to wait and see if dr confirms this. It was confirmed today.

He now blames me for this, tells me he can't afford this child. Told me that its not a good idea to have a child now when our relationship are so bad. I told him that I am keeping this baby with him or without him. H

 

I am getting divorce now.

 

Good for you. He has shown no signs of a remorseful spouse but rather the classic ones. He wants to do the actions and look like he is sorry. But he isn't. If he was he would not be coming up with lane excuses. stick to your guns! And as far as the pregnancy goes. Stay strong on that too. Don't let him pressure you to do something you don't want to. He just is trying to get out of more child support.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Gosh Vera,

 

Firstly, I am so sorry. Not surprized, he was displaying all the signs that he was not in it to win it. But I am sorry. Let him have his Russian prostitute/scam artist. Just get your finances separated so he doesn't take you down with him.

 

Congrats on the baby. Frankly, all the more reason to kick his cheating axx out.

 

Take care of yourself.

 

Iiwii

[vera345]

he moved out after asking me to give him some time to think about everything.

I found out that we can't get divorced while I am pregnant. So unfortunately, we are stack together for some time.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

he moved out after asking me to give him some time to think about everything.

I found out that we can't get divorced while I am pregnant. So unfortunately, we are stack together for some time.

 

Tell me you aren't letting him stay with you?

[vera345]

He is not staying with me. He moved out to his apartment.

We will have to communicate every day, this is unavoidable and we will have another child together. NC is not an option here.

I can't divorce him now either.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

So, what is your plan, since he does not want the child or to be married?

[vera345]

I don't really have any plan right now. We talked a lot last night. He agreed that texting her even for the purposes to tell her that she needs a help was wrong. He also promised me to block her contacts and disclose all of the future correspondence.

 

 

Now about the child he doesn't think it's a good time to have another child. I agree but i am keeping this baby. This is not something I am even willing to discuss with him. I told him that I will have this child and be happy even if he doesn't want it. I told him that there is nothing he can say that will change my opinion about it.

 

 

I just want to be alone for now and figure out what to do next. The pregnancy was unplanned and unexpected, it wasnt supposed to happen, and it's a miracle that it did. I can't fight and argue every day. I am just going to keep contact with him as minimum and then decide what to do

[Sparty97]

Ultimately you have to do what you have to do. I will make a couple of suggestions to help you think about it.

 

First, you need to be able to feel calm (or at least not scream and yell)

 

I would ask him to talk with you privately after he has had a little time to play with your daughter. Get a babysitter and go someplace quiet. Coffee shop, restaurant whatever.

 

Take the divorce papers with up you.

 

Tell him that it is time to make decisions about your relationship as a couple.

 

He remains your daughters father and that won't change, but that is not a good enough reason to stay married and you will not continue to live in limbo indefinitely.

 

He expressed many things over that last few weeks and while he does not seem to be anxious to divorce, he also does not seem anxious to address or resolve the issues his affair have caused or any prior marital issues. And that is not acceptable.

 

He said many hurtful things over the last weeks/months and while you love HIM and want to stay in the marriage, you do not want to prevent him from being happy if he thinks that cannot be with you.

 

If he wants to stay married, so very serious stuff has to change and he can take 24 hours to think about it.

 

1. Full commitment to affair recovery and all the work.

2. Eliminate friends who participated, allowed, planned trips, carried messages or encouraged if any. M

3. Full written timeline of all affair activities 100% disclosure of this affair and any others, times. Dates, names, special songs, places, events, who knew when etc. lies he told you, lies he told others-- you may never want to read it but he should do this and needs to come completely clean. One shot only. This should take quite a while and may end up being painful for him. Give him a due date.

4. Full commitment to MC with focus first on infidelity.

5. IC for both of you

6. Full transparency,leave cell phone unlocked and out, emails, texts, chats, skype, no deleting ever without your permission.

7. Immediate, instantaneous notification if any of APs contact in any way. Immediate notification if he makes an additional boundary error.

8. Disclosure to others in whatever level you choose, supported by MC.

9. Identification of and disposal of all gifts, mementos, photos, etc. of APs.

10. Required reading of, "How to help your spouse heal from your affair"

11. Participate in Marriage builders, or surviving infidelity web sites.

12. Total and complete honesty.

13. Acceptance of your waivering feelings without defensiveness.

14. Full commitment to doing exactly what he says he will do, and what you agree to.

15. No boys nights or solo activities for near term. Only couples/family activities.

16. No avoidable business travel.

17. No solo meetings, travel, conversations, with any female, that is not 100% work related.

18. He needs to move home immediately

19. He needs to help with household care and child rearing to free up some of your burden.

20. Weekly dates.

21. Resuming sexual relations.

 

Print the list. Read it together. Have him as questions if he's unsure of what you want. Your list may differ, but you will want to make sure he does full disclosure.

 

Prepare a visitation and child support plan and have it with you when you meet. Hand him the divorce, visitation, child support docs in one envelope and the list maybe with a copy of a couple books, How to help your spouse heal from your Affair. The five love languages, (other people may have their favorites.) in the other.

 

Exactly two choices. I would do this Saturday give him till Sunday PM to think about it.

 

IIWII

 

 

Wow... were this list presented to me I would sign the divorce papers immediately.

[Zenstudent]

Wow... were this list presented to me I would sign the divorce papers immediately.

It looks a little..... overwhelming, yes - but which of the demands don't you like? Which would you refrain from if you were OP?

[Oberfeldwebel]

For this document to stand in court, you will need to define the word cheat. While you and I may agree, the law is a different situation. Additionally, there needs to be a burden of proof for the one party to invoke the I get the house clause.

 

I don't think that a signed contract between you two is a bad idea. Not a legal document per se, but a document between you two as individuals, saying what each party will do to fix this marriage. Stipulations may include: no passwords on media devices, programs, etc...; marriage counseling for a set period of time; date nights for just you two; household responsibility; boundaries with other individuals; business trips and friends nights out.

 

If a party violates the agreement, the offending party will move out and agree to a non-contested amicable divorce. This way no one is signing away assets, but you would be wasting them away in a divorce, only to have to agree in the end anyway. I put the emphasis on honor to one another, which is the basis of the original marriage contract. He obviously violated that contract, lets hope that the document will show him you are serious and that he is willing to work to fix this relationship. However, this contract also will call for you to work to fix marriage as well, you have a lot of resentment towards him. While it is understandable, it does not help relationship and will be the hurdle that you have to get over as well as other issues that will come up in counseling.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

For this document to stand in court, you will need to define the word cheat. While you and I may agree, the law is a different situation. Additionally, there needs to be a burden of proof for the one party to invoke the I get the house clause.

 

I don't think that a signed contract between you two is a bad idea. Not a legal document per se, but a document between you two as individuals, saying what each party will do to fix this marriage. Stipulations may include: no passwords on media devices, programs, etc...; marriage counseling for a set period of time; date nights for just you two; household responsibility; boundaries with other individuals; business trips and friends nights out.

 

If a party violates the agreement, the offending party will move out and agree to a non-contested amicable divorce. This way no one is signing away assets, but you would be wasting them away in a divorce, only to have to agree in the end anyway. I put the emphasis on honor to one another, which is the basis of the original marriage contract. He obviously violated that contract, lets hope that the document will show him you are serious and that he is willing to work to fix this relationship. However, this contract also will call for you to work to fix marriage as well, you have a lot of resentment towards him. While it is understandable, it does not help relationship and will be the hurdle that you have to get over as well as other issues that will come up in counseling.

 

OP is a lawyer. She is no longer looking at post nups for her sitch.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Wow... were this list presented to me I would sign the divorce papers immediately.

 

So Sparty I am open, as I am sure OP is open to your constructive assistance in her sitch.

 

I will summarize so you don't have to read the whole thread.

 

OP is a mother of a small child, she is also a lawyer. He WS was/is having and online affair with a Russian woman who is asking for financial assistance from him. She got the, ILYBNILWY, Trickle truth, affair went underground, he asks for time to think,...all the usual things.

 

OP drew up divorce papers and gave to WS, who said he would do anything to fix. She asked for a couple minor things, but never saw any commitment to repairing the relationship, hence, the list of suggested things to help build her trust, tangible things that he could do to show he was all in.

 

He couldn't commit, so she was going to file for divorce, but found out she is pregnant with second child. Her state will not allow divorce during pregnancy.

 

What advice do you have for OP?

[ComingInHot]

I've read the entire topic and am stunned at the turn of events!!

 

A few thoughts;

-The baby is Not at fault here. It may not be the ideal time for having a baby, but babies are Always a gift

-If a baby was Not "wanted" then steps should have been taken to Help prevent pregnancy (however... I am the "poster woman" for the pill is Not One hundred % effective )

-The OW in this scenario has shown herself to be Hostile and you may want to consider taking steps to keep her away from you ie; having Zero contact w/you

-Your H is Seriously delusional and needs professional help! Probably a good idea he is Not in the family home for now.

 

Number One - Take care of Yourself & Your children!!*

[vera345]

I was struggling with infertility for 10 years. It took us several surgeries, artificial inseminations, and finally in vitro to have our first child. I was told that I have a bad egg quality and therefore my chances even with invitro were small.

We discussed birth control after I stopped breastfeeding. I was always very clear that I wanted to try to have more children natural way if I can.

I conceived.

But I had no idea what he was doing behind my back. I thoughts we are happily married and didn't know that my h has become a zombie.

He was telling me that all of the infertility treatments reduced his physical attraction to me. That sex became more like a routine and a job. That all our life, especially after baby was born, became just responsibilities and nothing else. That he was never so unhappy like he was with me.

 

We don't have any help where we live, I work full time and baby goes to the daycare. He picks her up at 3 and spends with her more time than I am. He also has some health problems with his herniated disk and complains that having her put him on the edge. That he can't physically handle all responsibilities that I need him to handle.

 

So he started this affair. He admits that it was wrong thing to do. However he is addicted to the feelings this ow gives him, comfort, etc. They wrote each other about their future together, having children, etc. he now stopped contacts with her. The last contact was on Sunday where he said that she texted him about killing herself and being sick and he responded that she needs to get medical help. When confronted he admitted that it was wrong, deleting emails were wrong, and told me that it won't happen again. I believe it only 50%.

 

Now, he doesn't want this new child. Says it will be more responsibility on him and more than he can physically hand. Says he resents me now for threatening to take our child and move to another state and tells me that he needs time to think about everything and that he is going to do ic. He says he is very confused, doesn't know what to do anymore, and feels that I manipulate him with a new child and force him in the situation he doesn't want to be.

 

I am mad all the time bc of discovering all these new lies and affair going underground. I confront him about it and argue with him. I am also pregnant and my emotions are rollecoster especially after 2 months of the craziness he put me in. I told him that he either needs to work on his marriage or I need to get out. He says that he will give me freedom and transfer a house on my name only if that's what I want. He is doing major repairs now at the house, paying for them, and agrees that I can have it if I want. He says he can't be a good husband to me right now that he is very confused and in a very bad emotional shape, that affair is over, and he just need to spend some time by himself and think about everything.

I really don't know what to do. I don't know what to think about his request. I view it as a betrayal and told him that. I will take the house and stay there.

[Zenstudent]

Now, he doesn't want this new child. Says it will be more responsibility on him and more than he can physically hand. Says he resents me now for threatening to take our child and move to another state and tells me that he needs time to think about everything and that he is going to do ic. He says he is very confused, doesn't know what to do anymore, and feels that I manipulate him with a new child and force him in the situation he doesn't want to be.

Well, who put the baby in there?? He needs to grow up in this mess he created.

 

You need to plan for your own future - try to leave him out of the equation no matter what you dream of.

[vera345]

This is exactly what I thought. I can't sit around waiting for him to figure out what he wants. I need to plan my life without him and proceed with it.

[Spotme]

That's absurd. It took both of them to make the baby, not just him. This ridiculous notion that men are solely responsible for impregnating a woman needs to stop now.

 

Vera, divorce. This is absurd. He's flip flopping everywhere, in the fog, and it spells disaster. Stop being so wishy washy and make a decision.

 

I think Zen was saying that the husband needs to recognize his 50% responsibility in creating the baby rather than putting blame on her for everything and that the husband needs to grow up in dealing with the whole situation he created by cheating, not that the husband was solely responsible for making the baby.

 

I agree, however, that Vera, you desperately need some space away from his flip-flopping and blame-shifting to breathe and figure out the best course for you.