Cheating husband won't sign a postnup

[vera345]

In my state, it's impossible to get divorce while pregnant. No judge will grant it. The logic is that the court will not bastardize the child.

But I am moving on with my life anyway. Will stop talking to him from now and plan my own future without him

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Rae,

 

I know this is hard for you. I think you need to focus on yourself and your children. Please call your OBGYN and tell them what's going on so they can help keep you and your baby healthy. Whatever you can do to eliminate the fighting will be better for your health and, really, it's not going to help anyway. You will feel better now and later on if you try to maintain your composure.

 

Your husband is currently a zombie and nothing he says or does is going to make sense right now. Let him work on his own medical and mental issues.

 

I think you can do what makes sense to you. But you need to get off the crazy train somehow.

 

Set up your financials/household, visitation and such like you are divorcing.

 

Set standard visitation hours, so you can be gone, run errands whatever. But maybe not have him at the house every day so you can reduce your stress.

 

You get in IC, take care of yourself, and let him take care of himself.

 

Maybe he will snap out of it and maybe not, but you need to move forward and take care of your children.

 

IIWII

[Coolit]

In my state, it's impossible to get divorce while pregnant. No judge will grant it. The logic is that the court will not bastardize the child.

But I am moving on with my life anyway. Will stop talking to him from now and plan my own future without him

 

Goodness, that is crazy. Now, they say you shouldn't make any big life changes when your pregnant and after my pregnancy with my son I kind've agree because I was a crazy emotional hormonal wreck. But bastardize the child? Are some states still in the dark ages?

 

End rant.

[vera345]

well, he moved out and stays in his apartment.

 

I told him that I am moving on with my life. He tries to talk to me about different things, be funny, texts me a lot about out daughter.

I told him about first dr appointment for a new baby and he said that he will be there.

I also told him that we need to limit any contact bc I am trying to build a new life without him. He said I am sorry, and that's all. As I far as I know, all communication between him and ow stopped.

 

I have times when I feel horrible and just want to cry all the time. I don't know how I am going to work, raise a toddler and have an infant. I talked to my mom and she will come and help me when the time comes. I also have other moments when I think he doesn't really deserve me if he leaves me pregnant and leaves his family behind, and that maybe its best for me that I found out about it now when our toddler is so small and doesn't understand what's happening.

 

I also think that he wasn't serious about reconciling with me and building a future if he left as soon as he found out about this pregnancy. It means that he was planning on leaving anyway, it was just a question of time.

 

This new baby gives me a lot of strength to deal with the situation. I already love him or her and believe that I will be happy either way.

[vera345]

Interesting thing, he told me several times that it should be him who should worry about future and not me. He told me that I will not be single for too long, because I am good looking, slim, smart, and have a good job. And I will have a child support from him. He thinks I will be sad for a while, but then will probably marry someone who makes much more money than him and will do a lot better than him.

He, on another hand, will pay me a child support, and will have a hard time living on his own or with this woman from Russia.

 

I was shocked by this logic, I guess this is how he tries to make himself feel better about what he has done. I am not arguing with him now and not discussing anything, so I just listen to this.

[carhill]

"It's not you, it's me"

 

It's, if actions mirror words, a sign of complete emotional disconnection. Unknown whether that's a good or bad thing in your case. A clear sign is if the D is amicable. Not signing the postnup may fly in the face of this, but this process is far from finished. My sympathies.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Interesting thing, he told me several times that it should be him who should worry about future and not me. He told me that I will not be single for too long, because I am good looking, slim, smart, and have a good job. And I will have a child support from him. He thinks I will be sad for a while, but then will probably marry someone who makes much more money than him and will do a lot better than him.

He, on another hand, will pay me a child support, and will have a hard time living on his own or with this woman from Russia.

I was shocked by this logic, I guess this is how he tries to make himself feel better about what he has done. I am not arguing with him now and not discussing anything, so I just listen to this.

 

Vera,

 

I have been thinking about you and your babies. I saw that he is sending you chatty text messages. I know that is hard and gives a glimpse of who he used to be. But it is not who he is now.

 

One thing he said is true, you will find someone better. He is right about that. Probably just about the time he snaps out of it. (The fog). Did he actually bring up the Russian con woman to you again?

 

You need to do whatever you need to be healthy, and you may need to limit discussions with him to financials and pertinent kid stuff.

 

Like I said before, start to act divorced. Support, visitation, separate everything, you may. Not be able to legally divorce, but you should start as you mean to go on.

 

Have him take all his stuff from your place. Your place becomes, YOUR PLACE. Ask him to knock and wait for you to answer that door, not to enter without asking anymore. Have him take your toddler out of he house when he is visiting. He can go to his apartment, his family's house, the zoo, whatever. But should not be hanging out in your house. That's what divorced dads do.

 

But most of all, build a happy healthy bubble around yourself and your babies.

 

Hang in there.

 

IIWII

[vera345]

All this talk about me finding someone else made me realize that he has no feelings for me. He doesn't love me anymore at all, and just tried to stay for material reasons and our child. Now, when we are facing new responsibility he is not willing to take them. When you love someone, or even care about someone, you don't want them to be with anyone else. You fight for that person. And he is okay and thinking calmly about me meeting someone else. Means he doesn't care.

[vera345]

He is already acting divorced I didn't even have to ask. He asks my permission before stopping by, and talks only about our daughter or finances.

 

 

The interesting thing is that he texts me and tells me what he is doing today and where he is. I don't know but this is the only thing that he is doing that's strange

[vera345]

I didn't write here for a while, and decided to update.

 

I took a vacation with my child and went to the beach, after I came back, H was full of remorse, told me he missed us, loved me, will do anything that it takes to save a marriage. He started IC, and took antidepressants. I decided to wait and see. Well, it didn't last long. He didn't show for an ultrasound appointment because he forgot. One day, we didn't have electricity at the house, I called him, and he didn't even offer any help. Complained constantly about living in his apartment, telling that I am using him bc I am not giving him a real chance. Really, he just hanged around and didn't do much to show any change.

 

 

A week later, he contacted ow again telling me that this is bc her family wrote him that she is in a hospital and he just wanted to know how she was.

 

I told him that this over between us. He tried to talk to me 2 days asking if I am sure that it was over. Told me that my reaction was because of pregnancy, hormons, etc. Then disappeared for 2 days. I called him on day 3 to ask if he is gong to pick up our child tomorrow, and he says that he is leaving for 2 weeks to go to Russia to meet ow. I lost my balance and tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't answer text, wouldn't pick up a phone, and blamed me for everything. I even asked him to stay and told him that I am going to the hospital bc of all the stress I am having problems with pregnancy, he didn't even respond. Didn't contact me once for that time to ask how our daughter was doing. He left 2 weeks ago, and my marriage is really over for me.

 

I filed for divorce and separation, changed locks at the house, and eliminated any contact with him, except about our daughter. He picks her up at my friends' house and brings back there. I am going to do it for couple months, until my mom moves with me, and then I wont have to see him. I feel like he has lost his mind and I was living a lie for 10 years. Can't believe that he is the same man who I married. ITs like he turned into monster, or he always was a different person and hid it. Sometimes I have a hard time to believe that all of this actually happened. But I hope no contact will help me and I have a baby on a way.

Edited October 26, 2013 by vera345

[dreamingoftigers]

Honey, my husband went to Whacko Land too.

 

And when they go there they aren't consistent with anything.

The actions won't follow the words. He'll fall flat on his face and I don't think it will take long.

 

Let him think he's James Bond. Whatever. He doesn't have the maturity to deal with any of his errors he certainly won't have the maturity to deal with the way he's surely misrepresented himself to ow & dealing with cultural differences etc. wait until he discovers that she's a real person with needs, wants and expectations <gasp>

 

You and the new baby will be very happy together. I think you'll enjoy this baby so, so much!

 

 

 

I didn't write here for a while, and decided to update.

 

I took a vacation with my child and went to the beach, after I came back, H was full of remorse, told me he missed us, loved me, will do anything that it takes to save a marriage. He started IC, and took antidepressants. I decided to wait and see. Well, it didn't last long. He didn't show for an ultrasound appointment because he forgot. One day, we didn't have electricity at the house, I called him, and he didn't even offer any help. Complained constantly about living in his apartment, telling that I am using him bc I am not giving him a real chance. Really, he just hanged around and didn't do much to show any change.

 

 

A week later, he contacted ow again telling me that this is bc her family wrote him that she is in a hospital and he just wanted to know how she was.

 

I told him that this over between us. He tried to talk to me 2 days asking if I am sure that it was over. Told me that my reaction was because of pregnancy, hormons, etc. Then disappeared for 2 days. I called him on day 3 to ask if he is gong to pick up our child tomorrow, and he says that he is leaving for 2 weeks to go to Russia to meet ow. I lost my balance and tried to talk him out of it, but he wouldn't answer text, wouldn't pick up a phone, and blamed me for everything. I even asked him to stay and told him that I am going to the hospital bc of all the stress I am having problems with pregnancy, he didn't even respond. Didn't contact me once for that time to ask how our daughter was doing. He left 2 weeks ago, and my marriage is really over for me.

 

I filed for divorce and separation, changed locks at the house, and eliminated any contact with him, except about our daughter. He picks her up at my friends' house and brings back there. I am going to do it for couple months, until my mom moves with me, and then I wont have to see him. I feel like he has lost his mind and I was living a lie for 10 years. Can't believe that he is the same man who I married. ITs like he turned into monster, or he always was a different person and hid it. Sometimes I have a hard time to believe that all of this actually happened. But I hope no contact will help me and I have a baby on a way.

[vera345]

I am going to try to rebuild my life and my kid gives me a lot of strength to deal with this. I still have bad nightmares almost every night, when in my dreams we are still a happy family and then I wake up crying realizing what happened. But I feel now like there is nothing I could have done.

 

I struggle with trying to understand what actually happened b/c its like a mental illness. I don't understand how anyone in a right mind would do what he did. And you a right, I read some correspondence between him and ow, its like he created a different personality for her. And its even about small little things, for example he wrote to her that he likes Mexican food and to cook. He Never liked to do any of those things and cooked 1 meal during an entire 10 years of marriage. But I can't stop crazy and he didn't let me. I am just trying to survive and build a new different life without him.

[ComingInHot]

Oh Vera345, I'm both happy and sad to see you posting today!!

Blessings on you and Yours,

Your soon to be EX of a nightmare H will wake up one day to see the Truth of what he did to You AND Your children. It may or may not ever change anything, but he will be haunted...(if not, then pretty sure he has no soul and is going to Hell) .

 

You are going to Not just "survive" But succeed, conquer and ultimately Enjoy your life and new family! Know how I already know this?? Because you are a Mother and a Good one at that. And when we feel we can't take one more step or one more breath... We hike up our skirts and Take One More Step And One More Breath.*

[knitwit]

Hi Vera,

 

I am glad you came back with an update, but I am sorry it is such a painful one. Did I read your post right, that your mom is moving in with you? Or are you moving in with her? Either way, I think it is good that you are going to have her support, especially with a newborn, and it's good to hear that you have the support of your friends as well.

 

You are in such a tough spot, especially being pregnant; this time will pass though. You are very smart and strong, and you have good self-esteem (even if it's taken a hit.) You are going through one of the toughest things possible- cheating husband leaving pregnant wife and young child- and you are still driving the ship with good sense and heading towards stability. I 100% agree with cutting out contact as much as possible- this will help you keep your environment full of loving, supportive people and will keep the crazy out as much as possible. I have no doubt that when things settle down, you are going to THRIVE.

[vera345]

I am trying to think about him like he is dead. Because really what happened in the person who was my husband either never existed or died. No man who has any moral values would go to airport and fly to have an affair when your wife is pregnant and telling you that she is losing a baby. This is just sick. Yes my mom will move in to leave with me before a new baby is born. My family lives far away and she is retired so they won't be able to help unless they live close by. I am very glad about it.

His family lives 5 mins away but never even sought their granddaughter bc they are too busy. His mom actually supported him in all of this and gave him a ride to airport. She told him that I will try to stop him and that he should be strong. So I am glad that I won't hAve to deal with them bc they are not normal people.

[jnel921]

You need to take into consideration his initial reason for supposedly breaking up with the OW and wanting to come back. Stress and Financial Reasons which has nothing to do with the love, honor or respect of his family.

 

I like yourself was with a man who didn't know what he wanted but I knew it wasn't his family as he made the same choices. I had a 1 year old and was pregnant as well.

 

Kicking him out and divorcing was the best choice I ever made for me and my family. I didn't have a home at the time and was broke. I had $182 to my name. But the strength the whole situation gave me was amazing.

 

Fast forward 16 years later... I have a great job, remarried, own a home, 2 cars, 2 dogs and my kids are about to go to college and guess what... He had nothing to do with it because for all of those years he cried that he was stressed and had financial hardships as well and that never changed.

 

So now that you know what he is about do yourself and your young babies a favor and let that go and let him deal with his life.

 

Things will get better. 15 months in an EA is a ridiculously long time to invest in someone you have never personally met. I am sure that when it came time to finally make the arrangements to do so or even planned on living together he realized it would be a bigger issue than anticipated.

 

These WS don't factor any of these things when A's come to light. Its when the crap hits the fan is when they realize how good they have it at home. But if the WS has checked out and is no longer showing love towards you, then there is no reason to keep him.

 

Good luck to you, you will be ok.

[vera345]

I have an interesting update. My husband came back from his affair-vacation, I filed for separation asking for almost half of his income. He was served with papers, and suddenly a week later asking for forgiveness and chance to rebuild his family. At the same time he is communicating with ow, have long conversations with her.

He spends a lot of time with our child and tries to convince me that he made a mistake and saw a hell, and he now is asking for a chance to rebuild his life. When I said no, he threatened me with suicide, said that he has no purpose to live then.

 

I don't trust him anymore and I am sure he is doing it for all wrong reasons. I am doing fine, and although I still love him, I know that it is best for me and my children to be away from him. I do believe that no reconciliation is possible at this point and I have to move on with my life. I am focusing on that. It is very difficult because I loved our family and loved him and I am still mourning the loss of my old life every day. I hope time will help. I can't understand what happened to him it almost like he lost his mind.

[CarrieT]

Vera, thanks for posting an update. I'm sure he did experience hell -- he went overseas and found out his fantasy woman was not all-that-and-a-bag-of-chips.

 

And now he wants back to when and where he was comfortable - with you.

 

I'm so sorry you had to go through this but see how much stronger you are now without him. We are still here for you...

[turnera]

I have an interesting update. My husband came back from his affair-vacation, I filed for separation asking for almost half of his income. He was served with papers, and suddenly a week later asking for forgiveness and chance to rebuild his family.

What a coincidence.

[elbe]

Finance is the #1 reason why couples break up. I would stop putting too fine a point on the fact that he is broke. If you break up because he cheats you have court-suitable justification for the divorce and are entitled to things like the house.

 

You need to work on your relationship (i.e. why he is cheating). He isn't your business partner unfortunately. You agreed to be in this relationship knowing he wasn't going to be the wage earner.