To friend, or not to friend the ex...

[Man-guy]

So my wife has remained in NC with me and some of our closest friends for 3 months now, and I feel like I'm ready to move on. What annoys me though is that she has yet to file for divorce, which is particularly frustrating. I'm still ok with giving her more time for it, but am interested in meeting new people, going out, etc. without this hanging over my head. I would prefer not to file myself, I kind of want this divorce to be all about her, beginning to end, until it becomes necessary (financial changes, serious new relationship I may be in, w/e). Once she establishes contact and the divorce process has officially begun, I would eventually like to work toward some friendship at least, as I believe we both do care about each other, even though it's no longer romantically. My question is, once the wheels start turning again, how would I go about establishing a healthy friendship with her, or is this me just being naive? Thoughts/recommendations?

[RonaldS]

Obviously this is different for everybody, but here is my experience...

 

I thought my XW and I would always be friends, and we were separated for years before she filed. I worked really hard, even though I knew the marriage was over, to be the best person I could be for her.

 

At the end of the day, that arrangement was just like the rest of our relationship...completely one-sided. Then, after we filed, I began to distance myself from her on every level. Once I did that, I was able to see how inequitable our relationship was and I began to realize and understand that, while she may have liked me at some point in our relationship, it's doubtful that she really loved me. I think she was dependent on me, financially, emotionally and otherwise, and she didn't want to let go of the support I gave her. But in the end, it was really all about her serving her own interests, and if it was at my expense, oh well.

 

At that point, I realized we could never be friends nor did I even want to be her friend.

[2.50 a gallon]

I was totally in love with my Ex! Thru her my life long dreams of having a home and family and some day grand children were now possible. It was she who popped those dreams with her actions. She wanted us to remain friends. Why would I want to torture myself and in the future someday hear that she was going to have my family with another man?

 

Think of it this way. You spend a few years carefully tending and building a beautiful rose garden. Then your best friend purposely gets in their truck and destroys your rose garden.

 

Why would you want to remain friends with someone like that?

 

There was no way we could ever be friends!!!!!

[Oberfeldwebel]

This works better in the movies than in real life. Both of you will move on to new relationships. If you want to date now, how do you expect a woman to bond with you when you have divested yourself of this other relationship? If you have children, then it is understandable that you too will still have contact and a limited relationship. However, you can't move to new relationship and go to ex's house to chit-chat, no woman will do that and I don't you would like it, if the shoe was on the other foot. Also, when you are ready to move on and date other women, then it is time to file. End one relationship before you start another.

[Man-guy]

Hmm... I guess what I'm wondering now is when to file... She had said she would handle it, and sent me an email 1 month out saying she was getting ready to. I don't want to file, I want her to own this, but we've had NC, so no clue why it hasn't happened, 3 months now and counting. Now I'm wondering about the timing. If I meet someone I'll definitely file. Whenever I hit 6 months NC, I'm thinking of trying to meet up to talk and figure out what's going on with the delay. Just not sure what I should do, honestly, I am open to TRY and work things out if she really wants to, and if she needs time I get that (Our best friends have had only LC with her, except a select few that don't know me as well). I'd like to be friends, but have accepted that I may never see or hear from her again (We do get in touch rarely just to inform each other of basics like needing items, mail, etc). I think she has GIGS, which is why she's just ran off from tons of people in her life, but I'm trying to prep for the future and figure out what I should be doing at this stage. Until I hear from her, I feel like I'm just trying to have fun while this awkward situation gets more and more awkward.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Hmm... I guess what I'm wondering now is when to file... She had said she would handle it, and sent me an email 1 month out saying she was getting ready to. I don't want to file, I want her to own this, but we've had NC, so no clue why it hasn't happened, 3 months now and counting. Now I'm wondering about the timing. If I meet someone I'll definitely file. Whenever I hit 6 months NC, I'm thinking of trying to meet up to talk and figure out what's going on with the delay. Just not sure what I should do, honestly, I am open to TRY and work things out if she really wants to, and if she needs time I get that (Our best friends have had only LC with her, except a select few that don't know me as well). I'd like to be friends, but have accepted that I may never see or hear from her again (We do get in touch rarely just to inform each other of basics like needing items, mail, etc). I think she has GIGS, which is why she's just ran off from tons of people in her life, but I'm trying to prep for the future and figure out what I should be doing at this stage. Until I hear from her, I feel like I'm just trying to have fun while this awkward situation gets more and more awkward.

 

MG,

 

Maybe it's time for you to get back in the drivers seat of your life.

 

Filing for divorce doesn't mean you wanted it, but acknowledges that it is where you are. It also doesn't mean that you are not interested in trying, but a marriage cannot be one sided. And if she were interested in getting back together she would be.

 

Go ahead and meet with an attorney, get the legalities taken care of. Protect yourself from any additional debt and risk due to her unpredictable behavior.

 

Fyi: There are a ton of women who will never give you a chance because you are still married, and they won't risk being hurt. Women who consider you married so to date you would be unethical.

 

Get a fresh start. Get out and meet girls as a completely divorced person, not one who is still hanging on to the missing wife but dating.

 

Not sure where you life but in your sitch you could be all done with this in 3-6 months.

 

If the wife wakes up out of her zombie possession you can always date her. If you still want to. You are a catch and there will be tons of girls wanting to date you.

[Man-guy]

Hmm... You're probably right... considering my situation in class/clinic, I'll probably give this 3 more months then follow through... at this point, I know I need to refocus on school, which I'm glad I've been able to keep up with BARELY. Assuming she doesn't communicate at all in that time, I intend to call her when I get the paperwork through. Don't really want to have this derail me anymore than it already has, but at the moment, I can't afford to spend even more time worrying and obsessing over this like I have. Until I get that period of time to work on this, I'll try and focus on what I got in front of me.

[Man-guy]

Well, gonna try to do this classy... Told stbxw I'd like to meet up to let her know I intend to file... I figure she should be told in person, not that she necessarily deserves it... If this falls through, I'll just contact her the day I actually do, but I figure 3 months is plenty of time to decide on her end, no point in waiting this out for no apparent reason... Ugh, this sucks... dealing with this nonsense makes me sick... No point in delaying the inevitable, GIGS or no, one of us has to act like an adult. She may feel it's ok to meet up with people for random hook ups, but I can't do that till I've at least filed for divorce. She's been running from her old life for long enough, time to clean up the mess... Wish me luck...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

You are behaving like a grown up. I am proud of you.

 

This is how proud...I hope one day my daughter meets someone who is as mature and responsible as you, (even if you don't buy flowers or clean up enough...that's what cleaning services are for and she can buy flowers for herself.) you seem like a great guy and I know things will be fine for you.

 

Keep your mind on school. This unfortunately will still be here when you are done.

[Man-guy]

Thanks It-is... Hoping whenever we meet in the next week or two things go well. Not entirely sure what that might mean... I hope we can have some beers, a good dinner and talk, and deal with the nonsense only for 10 minutes or so... not that I want to avoid this or trick her or anything, but the papers and her remaining items are the last things to handle... No need to go into other unpleasantries... Again, I am open to try and fix things, but being able to be friends IS important to me. So much depends on her level of maturity going into this, like with everything else in this situation... To be honest, I'm sure I'll be able to get the necessities out of the way with no problem... Last time we talked in person she was just so... NOT herself, seeming so on edge, tense, etc... I kind of just want to grab some drinks and talk with her totally relaxed... wish she was a bit more calm around me, but that would probably mean she'd be more rational :/ Whatever it is she's dealing with, GIGS, an intense depression, possibly guilt from her actions, I'm hoping she's made enough progress on herself to allow us to talk openly and honestly and have no awkward tension between us. I'll update soon I'm sure

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Don't get your hopes up that you all can be friends in the near term. Not that it's impossible, just not probable. Sometimes a little distance helps.

 

From your description she's not really thinking clearly...so she may need to stay angry or something to get through this. I am not justifying her behavior, I am explaining.

 

I know in your heart you are not ready to throw in the towel on the marriage, and I really admire that in you.

 

While it doesn't feel like it right now, no matter how things turn out, you will look back at this time and think, that sucked but tips that has not happened, I would not have xxx today.

 

Good luck.

[Man-guy]

So, yesterday was awkward... got in touch, chatting online to try and set up some time to talk about various loose ends including filing... weird thing is, I can totally tell that she's basically in the same place she was when we met up 3 months ago, saying some bizarre things (Not to bring people to the meet up... What? How could that be a concern?) and seeming kind of jumpy... played it cool and friendly, as I said before, I do want things between us to get amicable. Told her it's ok if she wants to attend parties I'm at and not talk to me etc... I know this meet up is the right move, but I can tell she's in a bizarre place in her head about all of this... Once business is quickly taken care of, I hope we can just have a relaxed meal together... For her sake, I hope this helps her out of her shell and to start talking to our friends again, hanging out w/ them etc... It really feels like there is MUCH more going on with her than just this divorce, though I have no clue what it could be... I know she was in a depression when she decided to leave, it may still be taking it's toll, or maybe she's just tired from all the new guys she may be hooking up with, who knows ... Totally not the woman I married, this is like a husk of who she was... Tempted to ask if she's in therapy still, she may need to be...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Wow, you are such a calm guy. I wish you the best.

[zoobadger]

MG,

 

Fyi: There are a ton of women who will never give you a chance because you are still married, and they won't risk being hurt. Women who consider you married so to date you would be unethical.

 

 

I'm separated and dating and have run into this. My STBXW and I are taking the legal process slowly for several good reasons. First and foremost we have two kids - 6 and 11 - and we both agreed that if we can establish an amicable status quo in terms of physical custody before we file, it will save time, money grief, and be better for the kids. So far, that's working. We've gotten through a few bumps in the road and both of us are getting used to solo parenting.

 

Also, separation is disorienting, confusing, and emotional. We both need time to grow accustomed to living our own lives and adjusting to life as single/separated adults.

 

Had we plunged right into the legal process of divorce it would have been an utter trainwreck. We're still probably a couple of months away from sitting down and dealing with the legal unpleasantness, but we'll get there.

 

I have my own apartment, my own schedule, and my own social life. If women I date can't grasp why we're still "only" separated and can't trust me even though it's obvious that my marriage is over, they're not right for me, anyway.

[Man-guy]

So, unexpectedly good news I received today. The paralegal I asked to handle the paperwork told me he had finished filing for me today, WAY earlier than expected, I was planning on talking about it at the meet up. I gotta say, I'm actually feeling really good about this, which is unexpected, like a huge weight being lifted off of my shoulders. Just let the stbx know. Surprised the paralegal was able to finish in 2-4 days what the psychology grad student couldn't/wouldn't do in three months. Told her I still cared, still want to try and work out a friendship, but that she has two weeks to figure out the paperwork. It's not like she took my boards or finals into her "calculations" so I don't see why I should take her thesis proposal in two weeks into account. Not trying to be mean about this, just let her know I'm doing this for her as soon as possible for both of our well beings. She's getting what she wanted, if she gets angry about the timing of it all... well... been there, tough luck. Told her I'd still like to catch up whenever she's free, but I'm DONE... the only thing that would make me consider working it out is if she did a complete 360 on her actions, but even then, who can say? All I know is I feel really good about this, glad to have it out of the way.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Excellent! Great news!

 

This all just sucks...but at least you are driving...

[Man-guy]

Interesting update now after four months. So enough people liked/posted on my stbx's status on her finishing her thesis proposal for her masters. Pic popped up. I was honestly shocked at my reaction, seeing her I actually felt genuinely happy for her, so I sent her a message saying congrats. The BIG surprise came the next day when out of the blue she contacted me on FB, TOTAL shock. Not b/c of the message, it was the tone that was totally different. She was chatting with me like an actual person, first time since the split really. I could tell this wasn't anywhere near as transaction sounding as all of her other messages. I say I'm doing really good, seeing friends, working out etc. and also let her know I would stop trying to meet up with her to talk and would stop asking. She says she's super busy (lol, yeah, please, like I would believe that at this point when she's probably trying to celebrate) but she would let me know when she had time.

 

Gotta say, I was happy, not for a chance to rekindle AT ALL, but that she seems to be getting herself together and she pulled this off... later that night I realized that she deactivated her account! I'm not trying to rekindle anything, nor am I hurt by her reaction... just really surprised, it's so over the top and dramatic, it just seems ridiculous. She had already blocked me from seeing her post, so I'm not too sure who this is intended for exactly, as she is only cutting off her friends at this point. I guess what I'm wondering is, what the hell is up with that reaction? Not sure what that was supposed to do except make me laugh at her immaturity If any one has any good guesses, let me know, my friends are just as lost on this one as I am.

[Dolphono]

That other dude or his chick is the reason for the disconnection.

Nothing to do with you, you knew your place.

[Man-guy]

yeah, probably. TBH, at this point nothing she does could really affect me now, I find it odd because at this point this will probably have a much worse affect on her friendships than on me, it's not like she could do anything that would affect me at this point. I got my laugh in, but I think some of our friends will find this as totally as ridiculous as I did. You'd think she would have just unfriended me, idk how you can pass up on cat pictures and funny memes.

[Man-guy]

Yet more weirdness today... I got a text from her saying to contact via calls, text or email b/c of the deleted account. I did delete her number a while back, but she had no clue. I thought this was an attempt to decrease contact even more, but now... Not sure what this move is about, maybe to avoid pics of whoever she might be with from popping up? Like it matters at this point? It might to her friends, but she's cutting them off while keeping communication somewhat open with me, which is probably worse for them, so... Not exactly sure of the logic behind all of this, things are over, so why go through with these awkward decisions? No need for it AT ALL, why not just block? How does this make any sense? I swear, last time I'm congratulating anyone for a while

[RonaldS]

Here's what I came to, after 3 years of separation before our divorce was ultimately finalized last Thursday....

 

I always tried to be a friend to her and do everything I could to support her. I gave up a lot of myself to do so, and made a lot of sacrifices, and never got anything in return except for her freezing me out.

 

So, we finalized on Thursday, and she corners me outside of the courthouse and starts saying she wants us to fix our relationship and be friends and go get counseling together, etc etc. That really threw me. She hugged me and told me she has grown and she will put in the work.

 

I went home and after a couple of days, I wrote her a letter saying that it's great that she is ready to do that stuff and that she's grown and wants to repair all of the damage between us, but I've given her everything I have to give and i have nothing left to give her and there's nothing salvageable between us and best of luck on her journey. Putting it in the mail tomorrow.

 

I have no interest in being her friend.

[Man-guy]

Thanks for sharing... Yeah, I have a feeling that I'm on the fast track down the same road. Not sure what drove her to decide to go down this path (even after 4 MONTHS!), but I do get a sneaking suspicion that once she figures out whatever it is she needs too, she'll pull the same card on me... at this point, I don't want to be in ANY serious relationship for a while, I really need some fun after this. As to "taking her back" not really interested anymore than I would be with starting something serious with someone else... it would be a VERY distant possibility, but it's not something I'm really looking for, though it would be nice to be on speaking terms if only to be friends. Her actions have made it increasingly clear to me that this isn't something she wants, and I'm quickly giving up on bothering at all. I let her know during our last online chat session that I would stop asking to meet up to talk and get drinks, then she pulled this nonsense, so I'm glad I made that clear to her beforehand. Well, whatever happens happens, I'm just looking for people to have fun with and I'm fortunate to have found plenty, so no worries on my end, just so weird to see this zany behavior for no apparent reason.

[Dolphono]

Yet more weirdness today... I got a text from her saying to contact via calls, text or email b/c of the deleted account. I did delete her number a while back, but she had no clue. I thought this was an attempt to decrease contact even more, but now... Not sure what this move is about, maybe to avoid pics of whoever she might be with from popping up?

 

She's trying to rekindle your relationship. She deleted her account because of drama from the gigs. Ball is in your court player.

[portableversion]

I'm separated and dating and have run into this. My STBXW and I are taking the legal process slowly for several good reasons. First and foremost we have two kids - 6 and 11 - and we both agreed that if we can establish an amicable status quo in terms of physical custody before we file, it will save time, money grief, and be better for the kids. So far, that's working. We've gotten through a few bumps in the road and both of us are getting used to solo parenting.

 

Also, separation is disorienting, confusing, and emotional. We both need time to grow accustomed to living our own lives and adjusting to life as single/separated adults.

 

Had we plunged right into the legal process of divorce it would have been an utter trainwreck. We're still probably a couple of months away from sitting down and dealing with the legal unpleasantness, but we'll get there.

 

I have my own apartment, my own schedule, and my own social life. If women I date can't grasp why we're still "only" separated and can't trust me even though it's obvious that my marriage is over, they're not right for me, anyway.

 

t seemed to have worked out quite well for my xw. She threw me out june 2nd 2012, shes a lawyer so typed up all the stuff herself, basically forced me to sigh the stuff got my name off the house, and she divorced me aug 7th 2012.

 

After that she messed with my head told me she missed me and thought could get back together. It was all lies on july 5th 2013 she got married to her old coworker who is also a lawyer. She says hes good with the kids but I don't know how she can say that hes essentially a stranger to them I found out the older son lately has been talking to him from time to time but the home wrecker lives in alaska. He flipped out and joined the army, as a grunt.

 

My life has been turned completely upside down. My life as it is, is way worse than what it ever has been, but she seems happy. Am I happy for her? hell no it takes much energy to not call her names whenever see her. ive never felt so much pain in my life. So now I venture out on my own with the skills of a stay at home dad and other bs jobs I got from following her all over the frigging place.

 

The divorce destroyed me its gonna take me a long time to rebuild, I may never rebuild, as far as dating goes I don't know of any woman that likes the idea of gong to aldis. Im so poor its not even funny, my mom has had to send me money. I think I may have to move back home with her ive never had a job that paid well and dont see it happening for me. Perhaps I can get back onto school next year. I tried this year but the loans were no good. They looked at my tax record which showed us living together so they think im wealthy and don't need much support. Next year I should be good to go. I think I want to try nursing, the pay is real good plus most of the workers are females, should be able to find a kind non selfish narcissist paranoid woman there. Its probably for the best anyway, the are no prospects for dating at this time I need more time to heal, I sacrificed all I was and all I had for her and the boys, ive been tossed to the wolves.

[Man-guy]

LOL Dolphono... Yeah, the first bit, about her online GIGS going south, a very real possibility. I know one former mutual friend who I'm certain she got back in touch with after the BU b/c of her "inappropriate" online activity, but the guy is currently in the UK, so he's almost certainly cut off, along with several other likely opportunist. As for the second bit about reconciling? I'll believe it when I see it. Actions right? That's what everyone says to look out for. Deleted that text, her number is SEARED in my head, I just don't need to be reminded of it when I feel like texting family. Portable, I'm really sorry to hear about how badly things broke down for you. Sucks to see that you got hit by much more than just the emotional blow like I was. In my situation, it was like I got to see someone self-destruct in many aspects of their lives except their career, I suspect from self-esteem and maturity issues, possibly depression (I've suspected a form of mild manic-depression from her bouncing from high to lows near the end, lots of intensely happy music, wanting to party, sad just sitting around, not sleeping normally, diet, etc.) or something more. Narcissist need validation one way or another, career is as good as anything else I guess. Truth be told, I'm now bouncing back and forth between pity and total confusion, I don't THINK she was trying to hurt/screw me over, I think she's messed up, as far as I can tell and it has likely ruined the relationship. As for me, I'm happy with how things are going now, just trying to meet girls/ppl for the fun of their company, just no rational explanation to her actions as far as I can tell. I'm just the kind of person that, you know, likes things to make sense for the most part. So far, NO ONE that knows us that I've spoken with can explain her behavior, just erratic girl nonsense is the best answer I can get. Ah well, I've rambled on enough, whether it's GIGS, other guys, a break down, it's not affecting me anymore, but it DOES confuse the hell out of me