"What Was I Thinking?"

[iris219]

Have you ever dated someone for an extended period of time and thought "what the heck was I thinking" when you finally broke up?

 

If so, why did you stay for so long with someone who was either a horrible person and/or completely wrong for you?

 

Even worse, did you ever realize the person was awful while you were with them, yet you still stayed?

 

Why do you think someone might do this?

[veggirl]

No, thankfully.

 

I think someone would stay with someone like this out of desperation and a need to be anywhere but alone.

[tbf]

iris, are you still mulling over your b/f's ex?

[iris219]

iris, are you still mulling over your b/f's ex?

 

Yes.

 

My bf is an attractive, intelligent, kind man. While he was working on his PhD, his ex was sitting at home smoking pot. She has never been college and was recently fired from a breakfast diner. I won’t go into too much detail, but she is, my most people’s standards, a pretty awful person. His family hates her. We recently found out she has been leaving her 6 year old home alone for hours.

 

When I first heard about this woman, I assumed she must be very attractive to make up for her awful craziness, but she’s not attractive. (Not that her being attractive would have solved the puzzled entirely, but I understand that men like hot women, so at least I could understand it a little more.) As it stands, I don’t get it at all, and he can't seem to explain it. It makes me feel like there must be something wrong with him, though I haven't discovered it yet.

 

Can anyone explain it too me?

[Els]

I think that usually, when people remember a bad breakup, they remember how bad it was at the end, but not what brought them together in the beginning. Also, you usually see only one side of the story IMO.

 

I also think that we all make mistakes, hence why most of us have exes - there is a reason we aren't with them anymore. It is through that process of learning, that we learn about ourselves, what we need in a partner, and what we will or won't tolerate.

 

I did have times when I did the "what was I thinking?!" route after the termination of a R - but my exes were all reasonably decent people in general, just very incompatible with me. Still, I wouldn't have known about the incompatibility if I hadn't actually been with them to experience it, really.

[tbf]

Bet they got together when they were both pretty young. Perhaps back then, he was shy and socially inept. Perhaps back then, she was more attractive where her lifestyle has caught up to her now. And maybe, she was the first woman who pursued him.

[Weezy1973]

Yes.

 

My bf is an attractive, intelligent, kind man. While he was working on his PhD, his ex was sitting at home smoking pot. She has never been college and was recently fired from a breakfast diner. I won’t go into too much detail, but she is, my most people’s standards, a pretty awful person. His family hates her. We recently found out she has been leaving her 6 year old home alone for hours.

 

When I first heard about this woman, I assumed she must be very attractive to make up for her awful craziness, but she’s not attractive. (Not that her being attractive would have solved the puzzled entirely, but I understand that men like hot women, so at least I could understand it a little more.) As it stands, I don’t get it at all, and he can't seem to explain it. It makes me feel like there must be something wrong with him, though I haven't discovered it yet.

 

Can anyone explain it too me?

 

My guess is that he is very relationship oriented - which means he grew an attachment to someone and wanted to make it work regardless of her flaws. He wanted it to work.

 

It happens - generally I'd say women are far more "guilty" of this than men - but it happens.

 

My advice - don't dwell on it - embrace the fact that he knows it takes work to have a successful relationship and use his example and be willing to work on it as well.

[hoping2heal]

Have you ever dated someone for an extended period of time and thought "what the heck was I thinking" when you finally broke up?

 

 

If so, why did you stay for so long with someone who was either a horrible person and/or completely wrong for you?

 

Even worse, did you ever realize the person was awful while you were with them, yet you still stayed?

 

Why do you think someone might do this?

 

The reasons are as varied as there are pennies in a bank but one that comes to mind is inexperience.

[Star Gazer]

Hindsight is always 20/20.

[MissBee]

Have you ever dated someone for an extended period of time and thought "what the heck was I thinking" when you finally broke up?

 

If so, why did you stay for so long with someone who was either a horrible person and/or completely wrong for you?

 

Even worse, did you ever realize the person was awful while you were with them, yet you still stayed?

 

Why do you think someone might do this?

 

Yes.

 

A couple of my teenage bfs.

 

And in my adult life, with one relationship I felt like I was drunk the entire time. I think it was a rebound scenario, but I didn't really realize it was a rebound. I think on paper we seemed like a good fit and he was very charming, attractive, had a good career, was intelligent, romantic and really wooed me. I saw lots of red flags and ways in which we weren't a good fit but I ignored them simply because I wanted to hope for the best and pay attention to the good feelings. I also "found him" after a string of bad dates from OLD, and so I think that added to his appeal, where esp after a bunch of weird guys or losers he seemed like a godsend! During our first few dates and getting to know him, lots of stuff was off, and during the relationship they became more apparent, but I think I enjoyed having a bf, even though I didn't actually love HIM as a person (which I didn't realize until a while later, when I was saying what I missed it was stuff like: he made really good food, he was good at giving head lol, I miss having a guaranteed date on weekends :laugh:) It was clear it wasn't really him...but those things I enjoyed. Even now,about 4 years later, I don't really miss anything about his character or personality, but I only liked him for superficial reasons.

 

He eventually did a lot of stuff that was unacceptable and downright weird and not within my comfort zone and my values, but at the time I turned a blind eye just to have a bf. It was when we finally broke up that I realized how insane I was for dating him and talking myself into accepting stuff I knew I didn't genuinely like or feel comfortable with and I was like whaaat did I see in him???? Well I know what it was: the outer charm, good looks, the wining and dining and it was a bandaid for a heartbreak I hadn't fully dealt with. If I were in the proper emotional frame of mind, as I am now, I would have NEVER become serious with him, even if I saw him casually. But I guess unlike your bf's ex, my ex in this case was on paper a guy any girl would want, and who a lot of women could get reeled in by. He wasn't an awful person, just not someone I should've dated.

Edited August 14, 2013 by MissBee

[Leigh 87]

Yes.

 

Yes.

 

 

 

 

Oh. And yes.

 

 

But I can totally see why I stayed with him. We had a really loving relationship aside from the "off" element. Or, elements'.

 

I feel so positive about the relationship now though, it really enriched my life and we have a real love for one another as people and will be great friends someday.

 

...... but I would never tolerate such things from another guy!

 

 

 

For me, it was more like " I can do so much better". I do not look back full of regret. I derive a lot of happiness and joy from thinking back to the good times.

 

The " what were you thinking" matches can still benefit you immensely. I realise that having a mostly very loving and close relationship with a man I had daily fun with, was NOT enough; you need more.

 

I would not have known a LOT about what I need from a man, had I not tried that long term relationship. It was my second long term thing.

 

...I am pretty sure I will pick a better match next time:lmao::lmao:

[iris219]

Thanks for the responses.

 

I don't know why I dwell on this so much. I mean, we've all dated people who turned out not to be good for us, but for some reason I'm really bothered by the fact that his ex is who she is.

 

It reminds me how unfair life is. She had everything I've wanted for years and didn't appreciate or deserve it (IMO).

 

I need to get over this, but it's hard. Maybe it would be different if we didn't have to deal with her, but we do because of the kids. I'm constantly reminded of her stupidity.