Will my brother ever forgive me for sleeping with his fiancee?

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Why is there no mention of the fact that SHE opted to sleep with YOU? In the end, maybe your brother will realize you saved him from a life with a woman who is easily led astray.

 

I think someone did.

 

The question was whether his brother will forgive him. And the likelihood is no. She was not just a high school girlfriend, she was his fiancée, and OP is his brother.

 

That double betrayal will exist forever. The brother, may accept that he dodged a bullet, but it is highly unlikely that he will thank OP.

 

I reiterate, OP has not apologized effectively.

 

1. Complete transparency and timeline of the events. For brother to read or not. No excuses.

2. Apology without asking for or expecting anything in return.

3. Tell him you would do xx or whatever to make it up.

[drifter777]

I think someone did.

 

The question was whether his brother will forgive him. And the likelihood is no. She was not just a high school girlfriend, she was his fiancée, and OP is his brother.

 

That double betrayal will exist forever. The brother, may accept that he dodged a bullet, but it is highly unlikely that he will thank OP.

 

I reiterate, OP has not apologized effectively.

 

1. Complete transparency and timeline of the events. For brother to read or not. No excuses.

2. Apology without asking for or expecting anything in return.

3. Tell him you would do xx or whatever to make it up.

At this point in time there is no such thing as an "effective" apology.

[road]

A similar situation happened on my father's side of the family. It's never been the same, 48 years later. You may have your brother back one day but it won't be the same.

 

You have to let him grieve and that means leaving him alone. I understand you need to reconcile to ease your guilt and remorse but this isn't about you. Don't send him anymore messages. Everytime you badger him, you remind him and open that wound up for him again. In some way, it's rather selfish. You just have to live with the repercussions until he's ready.

 

 

Please tell us what happened and the ensuing 48 years.

[road]

Your brother has experienced a double betrayal. His Fiancee cheated on him. And you cheated on him.

 

Now there have been cases where there has been double betrayals where the BH has recovered with their WW. And the BH's best friend was cut out of his life forever.

 

However when the OM has been a relative for the BH to heal the OM including brothers, dads, have been cut out of the BH's life for the BH to recover his marriage.

 

You fall into a gray area in that your brother has dumped his GF. He may or may not be able to forgive you.

 

How old are you and your brother and his GF?

 

When is the last time his GF tried to contact your brother?

[Cresingdown]

You fall into a gray area in that your brother has dumped his GF. He may or may not be able to forgive you.

I hope he does one day. My parents are trying to reason with him and he has been depressed. Now I heard he hasn't even shown up for work.

How old are you and your brother and his GF?

He's 23, his ex fiancee is 22 and I just turned 19 last month.

When is the last time his GF tried to contact your brother?

She hasn't contact him at all ever since he dumped her. Nothing has been heard from her again. I'm beginning to realized she might have played me too.

 

Update: My parents are frustrated and sad about the situation. It has gotten to the point my mother doesn't care about any presents, all she wants is the both of us back. Also, my mother told me my message is still on his inbox and he's been reading it again but gets sad every time he reads it.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

At this point in time there is no such thing as an "effective" apology.

 

We might actually agree here, if effective is only defined as the two of them making up and taking things back to before the cheating. No there is no such thing.

 

 

Effective apologies are intended to convey remorse to the bereaved in an effort to help the bereaved heal with no expectation of response. Messages have to be about the harmed, not about the OP.

 

Required components.

 

1. I am very sorry my poor choices hurt you.

-surprisingly, people often never say the words.

-acknowledge the choice (not accident).

 

2. No explanation, qualification, or justification. Any words after BUT/BECAUSE erase any words said before.

- do not say stuff like, "I was drunk" "but I said I was sorry", "because you ignored me..."

- there is no excuse, no reason, no justification that will make it right so don't say it, it is self serving.

 

3. Acknowledge that you have no expectation from the apology. Don't ask for forgiveness. Don't put guilt about the family. The destruction is YOURS to own, not his.

 

4. Do not be self indulgent by talking bad about yourself. (I am worthless, etc.)

 

5. End with respect for his right to do whatever he needs to do to heal, and your willingness to do whatever it takes to repair if he is ever ready you remain commiited to repair if its now, 5 months or years or 50 years from now. Tell him you love him and fully accept responsibility for your unloving actions.

 

6. Tell your parents to lay off cleaning up your mess. You made the mess, you clean it up. Having your parents push him to forgive you is a third betrayal.

 

You didn't post what you said. But I assume you probably did not cover all of these.

 

Re read your notes and see how much if it is about you, or guilt, or breaks one or more of these.

 

Be prepared to accept that the best thing you can do is help him heal, without expectation that he forgive you.

[Clockwork]

That was your brother, your own flesh and blood. Yeah, yeah I know you've been told a million times, but still, you just flat out DON'T ever do that. You have to man up to the guy and meet him face to face. Boys run, men don't hide. This was a woman he was planning on spending the rest of his life with. Maybe eventually he'll find out she certainly wasn't the "one" for him but to find out that way?

 

There are consequences to things like this, and that could very well mean that you two will never, ever be the same again with each other as long as you live. It just might happen.

[stillafool]

If she slept with you, she would surely have slept with others while married. Blood is thick, but this was a deep wound. Good luck.

 

 

What kind of skank would sleep with her fiance's brother? No wonder no one has heard from her. She probably has her head buried somewhere dark.

[Cresingdown]

You have to man up to the guy and meet him face to face. Boys run, men don't hide. This was a woman he was planning on spending the rest of his life with.

I know I should have done that first but he would have punched the hell out of me (fully deserved I know) and he might still want to.

There are consequences to things like this, and that could very well mean that you two will never, ever be the same again with each other as long as you live. It just might happen.

I understand but would do anything to have him back.

 

I was being truthful in my last apology message. Wasn't excusing anything at all, said that when he is ready to talk I'll be there, how I won't bother him anymore and again apologized.

[samsungxoxo]

I got one: what if the OP stops hiding from his big brother, meets him face to face and takes his beating like a man.

 

It's the least he can offer to his brother since he mention he'll do anything to have him back. Well then would letting his brother punch the hell out of him be included on his ''will do anything to have him back'' option? Maybe then it he can talk to his brother about it.

[sayyes19]

I know I should have done that first but he would have punched the hell out of me (fully deserved I know) and he might still want to.

I understand but would do anything to have him back.

 

I was being truthful in my last apology message. Wasn't excusing anything at all, said that when he is ready to talk I'll be there, how I won't bother him anymore and again apologized.

 

If I kissed my brother's girlfriend of 1 month I would expect to get punched in the face. Sleeping with his fiance....man, I don't even know.

[Nik1]

Man, if I was you, I'd put myself into exile. Start a new life somewhere far away and try to forget you ever had a family.

[HoneyBadgerDontCare]

Damn, this is the most messed up thing I ever heard.

 

My brother and I don't speak either, but you make us both look like latter day saints.

[Chubbi]

It will take 2 to 5 years to get the relationship back, if your brother ever comes around. It all depends on the relationship you all had prior to that, but I cannot imagine it will ever go back to being brothers. It will just be friendly and professional. Everytime he looks at you, he will remember the betrayal, even 50 years later. People never forget something like this. I mean, one day, someone's going to ask him, "What happened to so and so?" And he's going to say, "My ex slept with my brother." Even 50 years from today.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I still think it's crappy that on top of what you did, you have your parents trying to convince him to forgive you.

 

You did all this damage to him and he's supposed to suck it up and forgive you for the good of the family?

[road]

It will take 2 to 5 years to get the relationship back,

 

It takes 2 to 5 years to recover a marriage. Last I knew he was not and has never been married to his brother so there is no marriage to recover.

 

As with marriages many times the BS does not want to recover so one can forget the 2 to 5 year recovery time.

 

And as with the betrayed brother there is no knowing if he will be able to get past this. All the OP can do is to wait.

[Cresingdown]

I was right before. His ex fiancee was playing with me too and it's worst than I thought. I just spoke to my parents and they told me that my brother found out through others that she's been cheating with 2 other guys and right now her facebook profile status is ''in a relationship''. I know this is going to sound stupid at this point as I should have known better not to ever do this to him, but during that time, I thought she had some feelings for me.

 

I feel so disgusted with himself. I ruined it all, his trust for a worthless girl, a serial cheater.

[Cresingdown]

What kind of skank would sleep with her fiance's brother? No wonder no one has heard from her. She probably has her head buried somewhere dark.

She's with another guy already. Just found out she's been cheating and not only with me.

[road]

It takes 2 to 5 years to recover a marriage. Last I knew he was not and has never been married to his brother so there is no marriage to recover.

 

As with marriages many times the BS does not want to recover so one can forget the 2 to 5 year recovery time.

 

And as with the betrayed brother there is no knowing if he will be able to get past this. All the OP can do is to wait. For there is no time range to gauge the brothers reaction.

 

Recovery happens after an affair because the BH is motivated to stay married to the WW. BS's recovery is based on being able to forgive the WS, while not having to recover with the AP. Even if the affair happened because the WW was the predator, the BH sends all the blame and hate on to the AP. No reason to for the BS to forgive the AP. So the AP receives all of the blame.

[road]

She's with another guy already. Just found out she's been cheating and not only with me.

 

 

Does not lessen your offense.

 

This news may make you feel good though it only makes your brother feel worse.

 

And, these OM did not betray your brother the way you did.

[Cresingdown]

Does not lessen your offense.

 

This news may make you feel good though it only makes your brother feel worse.

 

And, these OM did not betray your brother the way you did.

Actually it's making me feel even worse now. Not only did I betrayed him and hurt him badly but I can't believe I was going to proceed and let him marry her.

[silicone]

Actually it's making me feel even worse now. Not only did I betrayed him and hurt him badly but I can't believe I was going to proceed and let him marry her.

 

The fact that you did the first time you two slept together is telling of your personality.

 

Regardless, you (nor anyone else ) no longer have any right to make any demands from him. It is up to him to make his decisions and I would advise that you don't further pry into his recovery.

[Nik1]

I was right before. His ex fiancee was playing with me too and it's worst than I thought. I just spoke to my parents and they told me that my brother found out through others that she's been cheating with 2 other guys and right now her facebook profile status is ''in a relationship''. I know this is going to sound stupid at this point as I should have known better not to ever do this to him, but during that time, I thought she had some feelings for me.

 

I feel so disgusted with himself. I ruined it all, his trust for a worthless girl, a serial cheater.

Unbelievable.

[emva07]

I know this is going to sound stupid at this point as I should have known better not to ever do this to him, but during that time, I thought she had some feelings for me.

\.

 

Men. Love going for the wrong women and disregard the good ones.

 

So let's say she would've had feelings for you. Would you have married her and been like "deuces brother, I know it sucks for you but I'm happy now" ?

 

These women are good at manipulating men. And it's silly you thought you were the only one. Well, lesson learned right?

 

Agree with everyone here, IF he ever forgives you, it will never be the same.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I was right before. His ex fiancee was playing with me too and it's worst than I thought. I just spoke to my parents and they told me that my brother found out through others that she's been cheating with 2 other guys and right now her facebook profile status is ''in a relationship''. I know this is going to sound stupid at this point as I should have known better not to ever do this to him, but during that time, I thought she had some feelings for me.

 

I feel so disgusted with himself. I ruined it all, his trust for a worthless girl, a serial cheater.

 

Cresingdown..

I know you are just a kid so I want to gentle, but you need to listen. This shixstorm is not ABOUT you as the victim of her. You need to focus outward. Your self pity is self indulgent.

 

The xfianceho could be banging the entire Norte Dame football team and it does not explain or lesson your choices in harming your brother.

 

You have free will...you could have maintained boundaries...you should have kept honor of your brother in front of your sexual wants. But you didn't. Why is that?

 

So why does it surprise you that a girl who would have sex with her finances younger brother would move on quickly to another, or be promiscuous? (Hope you are getting STD checked)

 

You need to figure out why you did this. Go see a therapist.

 

You need to call off your parents and quit having them pressure your brother to forgive you.

 

You need to let your bother chew you out, face to face and quit hiding like a child.

 

Man up