What would you have done?

[Lost In Canada]

Have been separated temporarily with wife (J) going about a month now.

 

We still comunicate and there are no bad feeling. This is my weekend with our daughter, and J had asked if she could stay at least one night being tonight. I thought this would be a good idea as I have missed her and my daughter a great deal since they left.

 

When they first arrived everything was going great, my daughter (E) was happy to see me as well as J. we had made a plan to spend some quality time later in the evening, as I thought we would spend a lot of time talking and catching up.

She said she wasn't feeling that great , so I suggested she lay down for a while.

 

Well tonight she probably spent a total of about 3 hrs here (most of it sleeping), in between going to get her hair cut, going to visit a friend about half hour away (she talks to her on a daily basis over the phone).

 

When she finally came back she was wondering why I was in bed sleeping. I pretty much said it felt like any other day and was tired. I also voiced my opinion of her being here to tend to her errands, as it felt to me any way, and then she decided to leave. I didn't stop her and now I feel as though I'm to blame, as I usually do when she goes off crying.

 

Was I wrong?

 

What would you have done?

[Devildog]

Who requested the seperation, you or your wife? If it was her decision to seperate and she requested spending quality time together and then ran around running errands the whole time then I can't see where you were wrong.

 

Do either of you have a desire to get things fixed and worked out?

[Lost In Canada]

J had requested the "trial Separation" I would like to fix things but I feel it might be too far gone. This is only my 2nd post, if you do a search you will read more into this.

 

I can't help but feel like I should have said what ever a little different, but what's done is done, I suppose.

[Devildog]

What was it that caused the seperation? Is it something that counseling might help?

 

Something to think about. It doesn't take much for a little problem to snowball into a big problem. If issues are not getting resolved and neither party is backing down it just adds fuel to the fire. It might start out with some small thing like you not taking the trash out. She had a bad day and just goes off about the trash. you had a bad day and don't feel like taking the trash out. You feel she is attacking you with no regard to how you feel. She feels you don't care that she has a bad day and won't even take out the flippin trash. Then other things get thrown in as well. You forget to put the seat down on the toilet, whatever. Before you know it you have a big blowup over something like taking the trash out.

 

If one of you backs down and doesn't get confrontational in the midst of an arguement it will help cool things down quickly. It isn't easy, it is natural instinct to defend yourself. But if you can keep your cool you will probably find the situation calms down and you can start repairing the damage.

[bluechocolate]

I picked up from your other post that communication has been an issue for you two - and here it is again.

 

I think this is about expectations, isn't it? She asked to come & spend the night & you expected that this may have been an opportunity to spend some time together, mom, dad & daughter. Instead she slept, had her hair done, visited a friend........

 

I also voiced my opinion of her being here to tend to her errands, as it felt to me any way, and then she decided to leave.

 

Maybe what you should have been voicing is your desire to have spent some "quality" time together & your disappointment that that didn't happen.

[Lost In Canada]

Maybe what you should have been voicing is your desire to have spent some "quality" time together & your disappointment that that didn't happen.

 

I suppose you're right, J did ask me if I had a problem with her going to visit her friend, but I had said no, avoiding a possible conflict. I think this might be my coping procedure. Right or wrong, I know if the rolls were reversed and it was me coming over to have a nap, get my hair cut (which I found out this morning when I spoke with her that was made early this week) then making arrangements to visit a friend for a couple hours that anyone else including J would be quite upset!

 

I even asked her how she would feel and J agreed that she would have been MAD.

 

Is this just a sign that it might be over as a married couple?

[Dewymoon]

Devil dog,

I was browsing thru the site and happened on your post...... even tho I am not going thru a seperation, totally the opposite( I am getting married in feburary). The words you spoke here are so true of anyone in a relationship.

 

 

You dont know how much you have opened my eyes to a pattern that me and my man has allowed ourselves to fall into. I can say that I now well be more understanding and not so quick to be a nag . And hopefully he will understand thatsometimes I need the assurance of his affections.

Thank you for wonderful and thought advice

 

To the man that is aggeravated over his sperated wife.........

Maybe she is feeling out how it would feel to be back in a comfortable surrounding... Maybe getting used to the idea of returning to your relationship..

next time just it flow natural. I bet then she well start to warm up. Nothing ventured nothing gained !!!!!!!

I do wish you luck and happiness in however the the end result will be

Min & Bri

[Scott S]

Originally posted by Lost In Canada

Well tonight she probably spent a total of about 3 hrs here (most of it sleeping), in between going to get her hair cut, going to visit a friend about half hour away (she talks to her on a daily basis over the phone).

 

When she finally came back she was wondering why I was in bed sleeping. I pretty much said it felt like any other day and was tired. I also voiced my opinion of her being here to tend to her errands, as it felt to me any way, and then she decided to leave. I didn't stop her and now I feel as though I'm to blame, as I usually do when she goes off crying.

 

I don't know exactly what you told her, or how the delivery was made.

 

I would have phrased it saying that I had hoped we could spend some quality time to talk, & do some re-connecting, & that I'm disappointed that you opted not to take advantage of this time together.

 

I would have gotten out of bed & put on some coffee or made some drinks, asking her could we please talk now. In other words, showing that I'm making a bona fide effort to re-connect, hoping to find the feelings that once were.

[Lost In Canada]

I realize that I jumped the gun in my response, but when I asked her on Sunday, when I dropped off our daughter, she said, that she did lead me in the wrong way unintentional, that her whole plan was to spend Saturday. Originally, she said that she wanted to stay over on Friday but she had to return Sat. morn. to where she's been staying as there's a new dryer being delivered. (sorry for the run on).

J said on Sunday that those plans were changed, that she didn't have to be there for Sat. morn as her friend would be there. Even though she never told me, J says that I never gave her the chance to. I think if it were me, I would have told her as soon as I saw her.

I guess that's where our communication has it's problems.

 

I appreciate everyones advice, as I'm a little uncomfortable talking with a counsellor as I find it difficult to just spurt out my thoughts and emotions. I find it easier this way.