Clueless boyfriend and flirting

[greytide]

I've been in a committed long distance relationship of 3 years. We get along really well and rarely fight as we're similar personalities. We're passionate about each other and the plan to close the distance is in motion. He's very trustworthy in that he sticks to his word, is honest with me and makes me confident he wouldn't cheat. I'm really happy with him.

 

There is one thing though that troubles me, I can't get it out of my mind. Last summer while I was visiting him we camped at a small local festival his friends were organizing. He got really drunk, like so drunk he could hardly keep upright. Late at night we were all sitting round the campfire, his friends as well as some randoms constantly shuffling around. At one point I got up and went to our tent to get water, told him I would be back in 5 minutes. When I came back, my place was taken by a couple of random girls who were chatting to him. I sat a few places further, just opposite to him as I didn't feel like butting in, and tried to get his attention from there. But he was immersed in chatting with the girls, first both of them and then just the one next to him. They were joking and I was getting more jealous and angry, but I wanted to see how long this will last before he notices me. At one point I heard him asking the girl to repeat a certain word she said because he really liked her accent. I felt like they got much too cozy for me to watch and I needed to stop it so I went there and asked him to come aside. Then I told him as calmly as possible that I think he crossed the line with flirting, especially as I was trying to get his attention and he didn't think of looking for me. He said something like "I'm sorry, but I thought you'd stayed to sleep, and I was just chatting, do you really think I would risk our relationship by pursuing this girl?"

 

I told him that no I don't think that he'd cheat but that things were still inappropriate and it made me feel humiliated, like I was not important to him, some other girl getting all of his attention when I was there. He told me I was making a big deal out of nothing and that I need to get less uptight, I felt dismissed, we had a short bust-up and I stormed back to the tent. He came back a bit later. We apologized to each other for blowing up and went to sleep.

 

The next morning I approached the subject again, we talked about it more calmly and soberly. He said he was sorry I felt hurt but that he still thought I overreacted and he had no intentions with her. Basically a non-apology. I maintained that it was inappropriate and that he didn't get what I was trying to say. We just settled it on mutual apologies about us both crossing the line, and left it at that.

 

It didn't really ease my mind much, but I was too conflicted about my own feelings to insist on further discussions. I still am. I don't even know if I really did overreact or was he inappropriate? Even now as I was typing it up my feelings were going from "really, this is what you're fussing about?" to "how could he?!"

 

I understand I have a problem with jealousy. I'm not actually burdened he'd kiss or sleep with someone else, seriously it never crosses my mind. I just hate the idea of him having some sort of 'moment' with another girl, even if it won't go anywhere. For the most part I can handle the thought of it when I'm not there - I guess out of sight out of mind? I mean, I know he probably flirts like that when he goes out but I know he won't cheat and I can't do anything about it so I choose not to think about it. But to be there and witness it was particularly humiliating and now I can't get the image out of my mind.

 

The problem that makes it all harder is that my boyfriend is pretty much clueless about reading the signals. Before we got together we were flirting heavily and he wasn't even aware of it, his friends had to tell him I was into him because he never assumed it even if it was obvious. I'm only his second girlfriend ever (we're in our early 30s) - his ineptness at picking up girls is kind of a legend in his social circle. I can totally buy into him not being aware that he's flirting when he does and thinking it's nothing more than a chat. But that makes me insecure about him being aware of the boundaries, and also about the signals he's sending to other girls. I know he would stop before it got physical but IMO there are many moments before that when things are already inappropriate for someone in a relationship.

 

He's not a ladies man really, doesn't have female friends of his own and doesn't go out much. He's also not the jealous type himself and explicitly trusts me.

 

I don't know how to handle it.

[greytide]

So you TELL him you're going for water and will be back in 5 minutes, then he turns around and claims he was under the impression you'd stayed in the tent to go to sleep? What a crock.

 

While it doesn't appear he was too out of line with the girls, it's quite clear he was enjoying their company and any thoughts of you were completely gone from his mind.

 

Tell him to own his sh*t and quit lying.

 

Thanks for your thoughts. Yeah that part just doesn't compute for me. He was very intoxicated at the time so it's possible he wasn't aware of how much time had passed, or that he didn't hear me properly when I told him I'd be back in 5. The time between when I went to the tent to when I interrupted them was maybe 1/2 to 3/4 of an hour, I think. I wasn't completely sober either, just a bit tipsy. Maybe he thought I was drunk enough to just decide to stay and sleep, or maybe he was fibbing because I asked for an explanation and he had none. This was said during our first talk about it, right after it happened, when he was still drunk.

 

I'm just trying to get an objective perspective on it. Alcohol doesn't absolve you of responsibility but it can make you less attentive to details.

 

I agree he was enjoying their attention too much to snap out of it and remember me, that's the part that really hurts. His defensive reaction maybe even more. He apologized for it later but still thinks he's not done anything wrong and didn't cross the line. I know people are often attracted to and have fantasies about people other than their partners, personally I'm not like that but as far as I understand it's considered normal as long as it doesn't lead anywhere, right? It bothers me to think about it but I can't decide if I'm just hypersensitive and expecting too much of him.

 

There were no such incidents since. But next week we're going to the same festival again so all these bad memories resurfaced.

[PegNosePete]

The fact that this is an LDR makes things very different.

 

If he forgets about you 5 minutes after you go to get a drink, how long do you think it will take to forget about you after he quits Skype or whatever you use to communicate?

 

If I were in an LDR then I would certainly not waste our very limited time together by getting "so drunk he could hardly keep upright". I would not jeopardize our relationship by flirting openly with other girls. In fact if I had been in an LDR for 3 years and was having a weekend away with you, I wouldn't be able to think of ANYTHING ELSE for the entire weekend.

 

It seems he has no commitment to you or respect for your relationship.

[greytide]

It seems he has no commitment to you or respect for your relationship.

 

Hmm that seems a bit harsh. But I appreciate your perspective. Maybe I need to explain better how things work between us.

 

Our LD communication is really good, I don't ever feel like he's unavailable in any way except physically of course. And we purposely try to make visits as 'real' as possible - so they resemble how daily life is probably going to look like once we close the distance. We rarely take time off work when the other one is visiting - mostly because it's unavailable, but I actually prefer it that way. I don't wish to spend every waking moment with him. It feels more like a real relationship instead of a holiday romance, yet we still get to spend plenty of time alone.

 

For example, one of my visits accidentally coincided with his friend's birthday event out of town which he agreed to go to before I booked my flights. I couldn't attend because it was a whole day thing and I had things to do in town. He immediately went to cancel it but I persuaded him to go instead - it didn't bother me at all it was one day less with him. I knew we'd get to sleep in the same bed later that night and that was good enough for me.

 

Getting drunk to oblivion is really stupid and immature, I'm happy he said those days are behind him. However I don't think it's any more disrespectful than in a CDR - besides it happens to almost everyone at some point. It's just this incident with the girl that upset me, the first time I actually felt unimportant to him. I think it's a small enough mistake to move on from, but I'm confused about my conflicting feelings. One part of me feels deeply traumatized, another part is convinced I really am overreacting given the circumstances. I am prone to overreacting and being petty, which really feeds into my insecurity.

[Keenly]

Pretty ridiculous at the women attacking a drunk social guy saying he is a bad person or did something wrong.

 

 

 

The guy did nothing wrong here, the OP just has possession issues.

 

 

Seriously how can you say in the same paragraph "I know he would never cheat on me, I just don't want him to have a moment with another girl." You can't stop life from happening and you can't control who , when, or how long your boyfriend interacts with. It sounds like you want him on a leash where you are the only person he is allowed to talk to.

 

 

He loves you, you know he does, yet the simple act of conversation with a girl bothers you. That's not him doing something wrong? that's you needing to work on insecurities you have.

 

 

 

Makes me so sick to my stomach when I see women of LS storm in so quick to blame a man and say that he doesn't respect her because he had a conversation. Do you have any idea how controlling that sounds? Reverse the situation. What if I pulled my girlfriend aside and said look, I don't like you talking to other guys , not even when they are talking to you in person.

 

 

Respect does not equal giving into demands and insecurities. Insecurities are not the problem of the person who doesn't have them, they are the problem if the person with them

[greytide]

Hi Keenly and the others, thanks for the tough love. I think you are closer to the truth. I'm aware of my insecurities. I would just like to say, for the record, that I don't wish to control him or his social life. I never check up on him. I encourage him to go out and never question about the details. I don't mind him talking to women. He chatted to a lot of girls that night, some of it quite friendly, and none of it ticked me off. We didn't even spend that much time together that evening, he was busy performing with the band and I was helping out with the organisation.

 

It was that particular conversation that upset me. I think maybe because the atmosphere was quite intimate, flirting went on for so long (it was most definitely flirting, it was obvious by body language etc) and he was so engrossed in it, after a busy social evening when I thought it would be nice for us to reconnect again. It was nice between us until I had to leave for a few minutes. It was really disappointing to be so easily replaced. Actually come to think of it, I think I was more possesive of the moment when this happened than of him really.

 

Someone asked how did I try to get his attention. I called him over, he actually looked straight at me at one point but he was still talking and I don't think he registered me. I raised my hand to wave at him but he turned back to their conversation before I could. What else could I do? Come up and ask the girl to leave so I could sit down? Come up to them, say hi and just stand there until it becomes awkward? Ask him to lets go sit somewhere else? Would that be less controlling?

 

I can't help but feel jealous about him sharing a 'moment' with a random girl, by that I mean some special chemistry, even if they don't physically act on it. Yet it's strong enough for him to forsake time that was supposed to be ours, and for him not to even register me. I think you don't have to be a possessive control freak to find that unsettling.

 

But your perspective has helped me understand that my reaction was definitely too strong. I did quite a few things wrong in that situation. I think this insight is just what I need to get over it.