Why are dumpers so mean?

[opaleye]

Hi Guys, It seems that a lot of people on this site have exes who are suddenly being mean to them, speaking coldly to them, basically ignoring them and treating them as if they have done something wrong (and it's the dumper who is being mean all of a sudden). Why is this? Is it because they actually don't like or care about the person anymore is it because they want the dumpee to hate them or what? Both dumpers and dumpees opinions would be most appreciated!

[Naive]

I wish I had the answer to that one!

[Merin]

Hmm..

 

Honestly I think sometimes when you're the one breaking up with someone obviously it's because you no longer wish to be with them.. but I think the "mean spirit" comes from the circumstances surrounding the break up.. did the guy/girl break up with thier SO because there was infidelity, deciet.. that would explain someone just being a jackass to the ex after a break up..

 

OR

 

Could be that while they no longer wish to be romantically involved and there wasn't any real wrong doing by the other party involved.. I think that sometimes the one who broke things off will behave in a not so nice way as to not encourage thier Ex to believe that there will be a reconciliation..

 

When you're the one who's been dumped.. well LOL in a lot of ways I think the "mean spirit" is pretty much self explainitory.. they feel angry, confused, rejected, jealous (if they were dumped for someone else) so yeah I can totally see the jackass reasoning there...

 

Then again.. it's kind of late for me and maybe I don't know what the hell I'm talking about..

 

[BlueLP]

By definition, dumpers want out of the relationship....indicating that their feelings have changed somehow. So naturally they will appear colder to dumpees, who are comparing them to before when they still had feelings.

 

Sometimes they really don't care anymore, they are big jerks (we certainly hear about a lot of those).

 

But a lot of dumpers still care about the ex as a person, so it makes them feel guilty for putting the ex through this. This might make them act cold, or even mean in an attempt to get out of the situation and make the other person move on.

 

Finally, I think a lot of the people here on loveshack commenting on cold, mean ex's are people having trouble letting go (nothing wrong with that). But so many people find this site for this reaso, we probably don't get to hear about the people who have little trouble and just move on and don't come to places like this for support. So maybe we dumpees on the website tend to be a little clingier than the dumper would like, and they react badly to it.

 

Just a few ideas.

[dyermaker]

In a way, it's more compassionate to be cold/distant/detached from the dumpee, because it won't give them false hope of reconciliation.

[Naive]

Originally posted by dyermaker

In a way, it's more compassionate to be cold/distant/detached from the dumpee, because it won't give them false hope of reconciliation.

 

I prefer this than mixed signals!

[seductress989]

I am the dumper of my last relationship. I can honestly say that I haven't been very nice to my ex lately and I feel terrible about it. I told him some things that I can't take back, but I never meant them. Anyways, in defense of all those "mean dumpers" out there, I believe there is anger and resentment in any relationship. A dumper's maturity will show a lot after the relationship is over and if you treat your ex like a human or not. Sometimes, the dumper takes his own anger out on the dumpee. (for ex. he/she could be mad relationship didn't work out, and they want to move forward quicker)

 

I guess the reason I was mean to my ex is b/c I still have strong feelings for him and I don't want to have these feelings anymore b/c I know things won't work. I feel like maybe if I dis him that I won't like him as much and get over him faster. Or maybe he'll tell me to move on b/c that's what I need to hear. Unfortunately,I got just the opposite in return. I told I never wanted to see him again....and weeks later he tells my sister to tell me to come and see him. I know, I know......it sounds selfish and mean. But if you want honesty about this stuff I'm the one to give it to ya.

[opaleye]

Yeah. That stuff all makes sense to me. I suppose in a way it can be better in the long run to be cold and distant to someone you dumped in the hope that it will help them move on quicker and stop making you feel guilty about them feeling so strongly for you and you for them. Do you guys think it's more of a guy thing or a girl thing? Or maybe it's both. It just seems sad to me that people who once had such friendship and intimacy can suddenly have nothing but anger, aloofness and... well....nothing. I guess it's the whole "you gotta be cruel to be kind" thing. sucks all the same.

[DESI]

I have often wondered about this question myself. My ex has been so mean to me since we broke up. I really feel like he hates me. We haven't had much contact at all since the break up. We got into it once on aol, on instant messaging, he asked me I'm I ever going to see my stuff again? So I said to him you can say it in a nicer way. And then we got into it. He told me such mean things like how he thinks I bought out the worst in him, that we were never good for eachother (coming from a guy that wanted to marry me at one point and held me in his arms every night and told me how much he loved me) He told me that I would bring out the worst in anyone, said I was psycho, using him for his money.

 

I finally told him that I feel like I don't even know who he is, I feel like he was a complete stranger, and then he said to me well after I get my things back I will be. This just totally crushed me. We always talked about "if" we broke up we would be decent towards eachother and still keep in contact, so I just never expected him to be this way, the break up was mostly out of nowhere.

 

A couple of weeks later his mom called me and we talked for a half an hour, I didn't bring up my ex, but she did. I told her that he was mean to me, and she said that he was just hurting, and that some people deal with things differently. Maybe thats the reason but who knows why he was so mean. Maybe it is easier for him to move on if he was mean to me, or maybe he just wants me to move on.

 

A month after that he calls me to tell me about a car that was on sale that I was interested in. He calls and acts like nothing has happened. It is just so wierd. I just wish he wasn't so mean to me. I don't know how someone can go from so much love to so much hate.

[opaleye]

If he seems to hate you so much maybe its because he still cares deep down somewhere. I read somewhere on this forum 'hate isn't the opposite of love indifference is' (or something similar). But still having someone you used to be so close to suddenly be another person to you is horrible.

[Soulfully]

Why do dumpers so mean? Well, my opinion is that dumpers will almost always appear to be mean to start off. Im pretty sure that there are actually very few dumpers out there that really do intend to hurt you and be mean to you because of pure spite. Apart from those few ill-hearted and mentally disturbed people, most dumpers will almost always appear pretty mean and cold.

 

Its actually a double-edge sword for dumpers really. Think about the 2 main scenarious. 1) Dumper dumps you but actually makes an effort to make sure you're well, and shows care and affection...knows that you're suffering and thinks that he/she wants to help you get over him/her. So you continue in contact for support. Can that really work without the dumpee getting his/her hopes up and trying anything to get her/him back? (We're always assuming here that the ex doesnt want to get back and is completely sure of that, at least for now). But can your ex really actively help you to get over her? Probably not, since only YOU yourself can get over her/him. In this scenario, the ex seems pretty kind and thoughtful about your situation, yet it will probably give you even more heartache, hopes, awkward situations, and prolong your healing process along the way. But your ex is being kind and caring right? mmmmm...think twice.

 

2) Dumper dumps you and dissappears. She ignores your calls, texts, etc...If there is any contact she appears cold and mean....how can someone suddenly change so much? They can, whether intentionally or not, but that's not the question in this post. So you are left in great pain, heartbreak, you mourn, suffer, etc.... You're left with many questions, sadness, memories, your self-esteem goes down etc... And you seem to still have hopes that she will realise that she made a mistake for leaving you. However, everytime you try to contact her, you're left with no reply or coldness. So you go through all the healing process and hopefully one day you´ll realise that you're over her and have no hopes in getting back with her. Has this process been helped by your ex's silence? So have they actually helped you on the way? But appear to have been mean and cold. Perhaps they dont even care anymore after some time, but has her coldness, no contact actually helped you let go and move on?

 

So which general scenario is actually better for your own good and healing process? Not as straight forward obviously, but you get the idea I hope.

 

I was dumped 4 months ago. And apart from several texts, some of which my ex hasnt "bothered" to answer back, there has been no contact at all. Havent even seen her around since. Is it helping me to move on? I think so, Im much better than how I was in the first two months. I still think of her everyday though, and I still love her, but I can control my urges and emotions now. Im getting back to the person I used to be. My ex actually asked and needed no contact for a few months, so that I could get over her, and probably for her to clear her head. I found it very hard and painful. Didnt understand the no contact concept for letting go and moving on. But now Im slowly coming to terms with it, and Im starting to accept that I may never see her again, have her as a friend, or even a lover again... at least not right now, nor in the near future. Perhaps if its mean to be, we will cross paths again in a few years....who knows. Besides, last thing i heard from her is that she's with another guy now. That was hard to muster. But as time goes by, Im actually not too bothered about it. I've recovered my selfworth and self-esteem and I know that I treated her with love, respect and care. So yes, it might seem to be my loss to begin with, but I know she knows that she let go of a considerate, loving guy. It is probably not the right time anyways. There is so much more living to do.

 

She probably doesnt even think of me these days, but I hope that at least whenever something reminds her of me, she will be able to smile. I do when I think about our fond memories. But for now, dumpees out there....work on yourselves, let go with love, and continue to fight for your own future and life. Get happy, build on yourself, help people out, get positive and live and enjoy life. Get succesful with whatever your meaning of life is or will be. If you cross paths with your ex one day, she/he will see your success, your maturity and great personal growth, your positivity, and probably sigh. And if not, other ladies/gentleman will pick up on that, rest assured that that's the case.

 

 

Peace.

[adversity]

Get this book - it's called How Can I Forgive You? by Janis A Spring. It really does help you accept, make peace with yourself and move on, especially the parts on how to move on without any help from the dumper.

 

I think the most painful part is where the dumper doesn't apologize for hurting you. It seems in a lot of breakups, the dumper has to justify themselves in breaking up with you and so they point out all the bad things, and generally seem to dislike you lots. Where you have had a long relationship, it hurts all the more because this comes from a person whose love and approval you care about.

 

I think it is much better to break up with love (well, except for abusive relationships - if you are the abusee, scram as fast as you can). It takes time, effort and patience but the person will understand ultimately that while you still care for them as a person, you can't love them in the way they want anymore. You owe your former boyfriend/girlfriend that much. And, it's much better for the world in general. Generally, I tend to find that if you screw over one person, that one person goes and screws over more people in his/her attempt to rebalance their lives. Not good for karma.

[honey2005]

When I was dumped by my ex he was very cruel. Things were great, then one day I called him at the normal time we always call each other, and he went crazy and told me to never call him again (it turned out he had found anoher girl). After things cooled down a bit we decided to try to be friends since we had always been really close. He was STILL mean to me, but for some reason I overlooked it. Then one day we were talking online and he asked me how it felt to always be rejected. That was the final straw and I haven't spoken to him since. He's asked my cousin about me a couple times but I really doubt I will ever be able to or want to be friends with him again.

 

I'm not sure why the dumpers are so mean. Maybe it's just easier for them to end things and forget the good times if they have their ex hating them. I don't think there is any excuse for it though. Even if you don't want to be with that person any longer you can still be civil.

 

I dunno.

[Reinvention]

I really like what Soulfully and Adversity wrote. I was confused and shocked by my X's mean and cold behavior after a 5 + year relationship. In a fit of anger following a fight the night before, he moved-out half of his possessions during his usual silent treatment modes - no discussion. He disappeared for a week with nc. I was suffering, but I wanted to give him his cave time without contacting him. Still having the keys and half his possessions in our place, he managed to return twice while I was gone. He had left a note indicating that he'd come back during the week for the rest of his stuff and that we'd talk then. Nothing. I had to email him being that I was in complete limbo state not knowing what was going though his head. He emailed me back a few times, again, telling me he'd try to stop by during the week. When he finally did the following week, he told me it was over and that he was moving on and it was all my fault because of some fights, there were no thank yous for our wonderful relationship, just a cliche it was a good ride. All the time I'm trying to tell him to come home and we can work it out.

 

Long story short is that he is 29 going on 23 wanting to be a big rock star and had not been able to give me a future "us" conversation even though we had been together for 5 years. He was great in action when showing he cared deeply for me, but he was extremely challenged in telling me with words. For instance, he has never told me that he loves me yet he has shown me in many ways. This has bothered me, and I tried to talk to him about the L word, but he refused and said he'd never say it again. Okay, so he's been through pain in his life, but to withhold it from me shows that he has trust issues. And I know he does because I know him so well, but I knew better than to take it personally because it's HIM. He has said that he never wants to marry again (he was married very very early due to her getting pregnant and having a daughter). That isn't exactly what a positive gal wants to hear of course, but it's not like I was looking for a ring quite yet anyway. I am 29 and would like to perhaps get married in my mid thirties. He knew this, and I never game him pressure.

 

I knew a lot of his immaturity came from having a non-loving unstable family and having to fend for himself at age 12, moving around every year and having no role models. Coming from a broken family has taught him to survive early in life, but not to function well emotionally. I have had to overcompensate as his partner. Of course, I didn't learn about all of this until after we were together even though we were friends first.

 

I came to this site just searching on the internet because like all of you, I have been going through loss of appetite, lack of sleep, random crying sessions, sadness, sense of regret, denial, panic, anxiety, and depression. I definitely have my ups and downs when some days are much better than others. The mornings and weekends are the worst when I wake-up, not having him by me when I wake-up. I am disappointed that he would walk away from a sweet relationship after some fights that he saw as unfair. I have apologized and took responsibility for some of the fights, but for him to blame those fights for our break-up is beyond me. The conversation, from my perspective, could have been more honest in that, "Girlfriend, I have been having issues and my desire to be a rock star is a priority for me because I only have one more year until I turn the big 30." The ironic part of this is that I have done everything to support him emotionally and financially through his 6 different bands, sofor him to feel like I may be holding him back is selfish. But that is what I am trying to accept is that perhaps he needs to be in a selfish bubble right now.

 

Anyway, I was so happy to see him that one time (I believe that a main reason he came was because I had called the bassist in his band to get an idea of my X's headspace because he was making NC with me, keepin me in complete limbo.) I asked the bassist, who is quite young, to not ever treat a girlfriend in such a way. I think he felt bad for me because we have always been very friendly and so the next day, my X comes over after calling me, perhaps influenced by the bassist. The bassist did tell me that my X did not talk about it too much and only knew about the situation very generally and no details - further evidence that many men do not talk to other men about their issues. So here he is after not seeing him for over a week, I am completely so excited to be with him. He is standing there stone cold, tough, armored, and non-affectionate - almost businesslike. I try to break the cover by kissing, hugging, and touching him. He pulls away half of the time, and the other half he would allow it. I am obviously hurt.

 

By the end of his visit which was under an hour, he asks if he can keep half his stuff in the place, and at first, I am resistent to the idea. I know he has a storage room, so I am confused by why he would want to continue to keep half his life in the place. I proceed to ask for the keys, and he announces that he is going to keep them. I am like, what? I definitely did not want to get into an argument about it being that this was the first I had seen him in over a week, so I just told him to please call me before he comes over for whatever reasons. He agrees. Right now, I have no strong feelings about asking him to take the rest of his stuff or for him to return the keys. A friend of mine put it interestingly to me recently, "Well, it's not really over then is it?" All those who care about me have told me that people typically move all their stuff out if it's over, and that the keys and his stuff in the place is him trying to have control or a tie to me. He also has some financial obligations to me which means there will be some sort of contact in the many more months. I guess I'm just confused by his actions. Of course a big part of me wants him to realize he has made a mistake while he's out there and then to come back to me more mature. That is my intuition and gut feeling, but I certainly don't want to kid myself.

 

Thus far, I have done really well from what my friends tell me. I am blessed to have awesome friends, family, job, co-workers, boss, and neighbors. I am taking pretty good care of myself and beginning to pursue some of my own dreams with his absence. I just wonder why someone would give-up the most stable part of his live (me) and make his life even more difficult in pursuit of his rock star dream? I asked him if we could still be together, and he said no. I asked him if we could be friends, and he said that that never works-out. I replied that I cared about him as a person so why couldn't we remain friends. He responded that maybe with time. Here is a little bit about him: He has hated most of all his jobs he has had and barely can stick with jobs for more than a year, he doesn't seem to care about establishing intimate male or female friendships (ie more than superficial or networking purposes), he is a hard-working, talented musician, and very caring towards me (except in fights and this break-up).

 

Any insight from anybody would be so nice. It's obvious that he's not trying to make contact, and I keep telling myself that it's only been 3 weeks and not to expect him having a huge realization this early into the separation. Is there anybody out there who has or knows of a couple getting back together healthily after a break-up? Part of the issue is that it is very difficult to talk to him because he thrives on silent treatment. I can say that I was a pro at the silent treatment in my previous relationship, but to be on the other side is so difficult. I have a strong feeling I will see him again within the next couple of weeks due to the financial obligations I mentioned earlier. I often wonder if he thinks about me or misses me as much as I do him. I have known him long enough to know patterns regarding other relationships around him - he makes big dramatic scenes when he doesn't get his way, says things he regrets, and then ends-up going through much pain to try to reconcile when he realizes immaturity. I know I'm all over the place with my story, but relationships are complex.

 

Peace,

Sad

[adversity]

I know how you feel. But honestly, you need to get over him. It really isn't worth it. My ex-boyfriend had family issues like yours, and has never apologized a day in his life without trying some way to retaliate for the fact he had to apologize.

 

It's difficult, but really, read the book by Springer on how to forgive, without having to have your boyfriend apologize to you. And if you really have to, you can read He's Just Not That Into You, for a laugh, but a few home truths there. And if you really think your boyfriend has issues, go to Borders and start flipping through psychology texts, or books about people with issues. Makes you feel better, because then you understand that it's not you - it's really him.

 

Whether or not he comes back, that is not what you should be worrying about now. Worry about yourself and concentrate on getting yourself back together. Take a vacation to somewhere you have supportive friends, cry and talk yourself out, but slowly you'll get your focus back.

 

Sometimes it's really not you. You already recognize that he's immature and he has issues. He simply does not want to change, or thinks it's too hard to change. Even if you do recognize and have identified all his issues, he has to want to change the way he is. He has to make his own mistakes, and he has to face his own consequences. You really can't do it for him. It doesn't work, where you point out their mistakes, and they suddenly see the light and promise to change for the better. This has never happened in the history of mankind. You just have to let him go gracefully. It's better for you. Someday you'll look back on this and laugh. And if you do it gracefully, chances are he'll find it easier to come back to you. But don't live your life hoping for that.

 

There will always be someone else out there who will love you enough to want to make you happy and give you everything you want. Love is not about feeling miserable and that the guy doesn't respect you enough. Sure a couple in love may have problems, but they will be committed enough to get over them. He is obviously not committed enough, ergo, you are not a couple in love. You can't force him to become committed enough to deal with your problems.

 

I do really feel for you, because I have just been in your position. But I'm really a lot better now. Trust me, it does get better. And it's only been 3 weeks (I did take a week holiday to somewhere where there was nothing to remind me of him). I talk about him only 10 minutes a day now =). Sometimes I do feel sad when I think of what it could have been, but I know it could never work the way he is now. And I don't want him back unless he changes his selfish behaviour. For example, he got angry because I got angry that he stood me up for dinner and then broke up with me because he says no one is allowed to be angry with him. And while the good times were very good, it can't make up for the fact that everytime something is bad he wants out. It's not a good relationship at all, with this sort of yo-yoing.

 

I hope you feel better soon.

[Reinvention]

Thank you so much for your sympathy and taking the time to provide such valuable words of wisdom. I totally agree with you. Since my posting, I have reached a decision that I am exhausted from obsessing over our break-up. I am so happy that I am not feeling like I did during my first 3 weeks. Being week 4, I feel much healthier in the head. I started personal projects that I have had in the back-burner for quite some time and plan to travel next year. I fully realized it wasnt all my fault that we broke-up and that he was the one who had the serious issues even though he blamed me for our break-up. In fact, I just spoke to his uncle who called this morning, the closest family to my X, and he didn't even know about our break-up because my X hasn't returned any of his calls. He absolutely confirmed all that I was feeling, and he even gave me really interesting background childhood information about his family when he was growing-up and the related challenges (control and machismo issues, etc) all the males in the family have. He actually thanked me for being so kind and good to my X all these years and acknowledged that my X was being a fool. He asked me not to give-up on my X though he hoped that his nephew would come to the realization of how special I am sooner than later before I lose interest. His uncle even said that my X needs professional counseling.

 

Since my posting, we have seen each other once and emailed each other a few times. I gave him a care packet of goodies because he told me he had been really sick and seemed touched when I gave it to him. He is becoming human again. He actually doesn't look like he's doing so hot. Sometimes maturity is learned the hard way through self destruction, but I only wish him the very best in the healing process of life. I am growing; I just hope that he and I can maintain a wonderful friendship... I know I will be seeing him again from time to time since his cats are with me and other reasons. I am getting comfortable with being lonely at times (without him) but recognizing that that's something I have to deal with healthily. Thanks, Adversity - Our situations sound so similiar. I totally hear you on the selfish behavior, commitment, and yo-yoing. I wonder if he will realize that he has a fear of / problem with commitments due to his upbringing (not just me, but in his other family / friends relationships outside of his band life). I'll definitely look into getting the books you recommend. I'm looking forward to feeling more and more empowered as time goes on! You are a very sweet person.

[adversity]

No worries =)

 

You can check out my blog if you want.

 

http://www.iglooentries.blogspot.com

 

Might be of some comfort to you - you're not alone. See you around!

[beautiful]

Breaking up is never an easy task to do. I believe that dumpers get "mean" because of psycho dumpees, meaning the one who got dumped turns psycho on the dumper wanting him/her back so badly which is such a shame to oneself.

 

If someone does not want you.....................move on! They not worse hanging around trust me. Life is great and there are wonderful loving women and men out there just waiting for someone as special as "you".

 

I think it is so sad how many people suffer so much for absolutely no reason! I think that the person who does this insane behavior should definitely check themselves and find out why he or she is behaving in this way.

 

People need to get a life! That means even while in a relationship! It is healthy. Most give up their entire life for someone they with. How pathetic! No wonder relationships get unhealthy and don't survive. It only makes good sense!

[DESI]

Beautiful

I agree completely and totally with you. 100% but I am one of those girls who give up everything for the one they are in love with. I really gave up my friends, just to be with him more, or just because he wanted to be with me all the time. It is very hard, to be with them 100% of your free time, and then to be all lonely after the break up. It takes a while to get used to the change. I do not know why I am like this, and I just hope that through time I will find a relationship where we give eachother space to have our own lives. I mean it got to the point where when my friends or my parents couldnt get a hold of me they would call him, and vise versa.

 

I always thought that that type of relationship was good, but now I see that it is very damaging. After the break up I couldn't even hang out with my friends, it felt lonely when he wasn't there, I didn't even want to go to my parents house, it felt lonely that he wasn't there. Even my job, because he used to come see me during my lunch breaks.

 

People need to find a balance between their boyfriends/girlfriends and their own lifes. I know I have said that before, but as soon as I got another boyfriend that I was really into I did the same thing.