Is sexless marriage alone reason for divorce?

[Chixmom]

Basic info: Married for 13 years, living as roommates, no children from current marriage, age mid 50s.

 

Before I met my husband, I would declare to friends that I thought sex was very low in importance to a marriage. Did I ever get my karma for saying that!

 

When I met my husband, I was attracted to his sense of humor, love of life, work ethic, and sociability. My sex drive has always been what I consider "normal". Not high, nor low - content to have it when the time felt right, never forced a certain number of times per week.

 

Before marriage, I discussed with husband what was important to both of us. I will mention only the things he agreed we were compatible on that didn't pan out after marriage.

 

Number one: I told him I was uncomfortable with porn. I'm not a prude by any means, but some people like it some don't. He assured me he had no interest in it whatsoever. About a year after marriage, I discovered he has an extreme porn fascination. Computer shows log ins to porn sites within five minutes of me leaving the house. He also had credit card statements showing purchases while we dated and talked about it as well as after being married.

 

Number two: Sex drive. We discussed it as how I thought and wrote above. Husband told me he was average also.

 

We lived together for about one year prior to marriage. He was always very affectionate, but would never go past very romantic kissing, hand holding. Right after moving in together, he said his morals were against sex before marriage. Funny he didn't mention that before, but I thought it was refreshing in a way and great we seem to talk in depth honestly and openly about everything else.

 

Wedding day came and nothing in the sex department. To date, we have never gotten past kissing. The most physical contact I ever got were a couple of backrubs. From day one of sleeping with him, he always seemed irritated if I laid too close. I was always either too hot, too cold, even moving my arm would annoy him and he would tell me to lay still. I wrote it off to him being a light sleeper because he was single for about 10 years prior to that and not used to having someone else in bed.

 

We live as roommates. Kissing is down to a peck on the cheek. He will hold hands only in public, as a display I believe. All of the problems began from day one of the marriage including passive aggressive behavior, refusal to talk about any personal subjects, negativity, and some childish behaviors. It literally changed overnight.

 

The other problems I can cope with and have always been able to work through. Everyone is different, but they are not a deal breaker to me.

 

But the marriage is literally a sexless marriage. We have never had sex. Not even once. There are no medical issues. I have tried so many ways to discuss it and have never put pressure on him. I have explained to him that if it's psychological, I would be happy to at least feel like he wants to even if it's an ED issue for him. But I haven't ever had the feeling of being desired. I feel like that in itself based our marriage on a lie and years of my life have been stolen.

 

I guess I'm looking for validation that a sexless marriage is reasonable grounds for divorce. If it was medical, I could live with it, but over the years he has never given me a reason or talked with me appropriately. We are able to discuss everything else without conflict.

[RightThere]

I guess I'm looking for validation that a sexless marriage is reasonable grounds for divorce.

 

I think that it is. You are allowed to change your wants and desires.

[GorillaTheater]

We have never had sex. Not even once. There are no medical issues. I have tried so many ways to discuss it and have never put pressure on him. I have explained to him that if it's psychological, I would be happy to at least feel like he wants to even if it's an ED issue for him. But I haven't ever had the feeling of being desired. I feel like that in itself based our marriage on a lie and years of my life have been stolen.

 

I guess I'm looking for validation that a sexless marriage is reasonable grounds for divorce.

 

For my part, you have all the validation you need. You've tolerated an intolerable situation for a long time, and come across as very reasonable as to how you've attempted to deal with it and your husband.

 

Has he ever offered any kind of explanation that makes even a remote bit of sense?

[Chixmom]

It's the only subject we discuss where he totally clams up. He did mention performance anxiety. I can't get a candid explanation and I try to be delicate and non-confrontational.

 

I have my suspicions though. The porn I have found included mostly gay websites. When I brought up what I found (after one year), I let him know if that was the reason, at least I would understand and it would relieve me that it's not caused by anything I did wrong. I have to be objective and open to the possibility that it was just curiosity.

 

I'm really ready for the big D because even though he understandably can't be open and honest, I am frustrated for being lied to.

 

After reading my post, I see that I always make excuses for his behavior and that his lying is really what broke down the marriage. With work schedules, months turn to years before you know it. More time has passed than I should have allowed without being more assertive for his openness.

 

Thank you for the fast response. I have no one to talk to on this personal of a level.

Edited August 14, 2013 by Chixmom

[GorillaTheater]

I don't want to rush to say that he's gay, in self-denial or otherwise, but that's certainly where the evidence is pointing. That of course doesn't make him a bad person; it's the dishonesty that does that.

 

In any event, this is simply too fundamental an incompatibility to continue.

 

Thirteen years. I was climbing the walls by the end of the 6 or 8 weeks we had to abstain after my wife gave birth to our kids. I can't imagine how you stood for sexlessness as long as you have. Best wishes for a great relationship and a happy healthy sex life in your future.

[RightThere]

I have my suspicions though. The porn I have found included mostly gay websites. When I brought up what I found (after one year), I let him know if that was the reason, at least I would understand and it would relieve me that it's not caused by anything I did wrong. I have to be objective and open to the possibility that it was just curiosity.

 

He may not be even admitting to himself that he is gay. I would guess that is the primary reason for your current problems.

 

Although it is tough, I cannot imagine it will get better without open, honest counseling. Otherwise I think separating will give you both what will be best.

[pteromom]

I guess I'm looking for validation that a sexless marriage is reasonable grounds for divorce. If it was medical, I could live with it, but over the years he has never given me a reason or talked with me appropriately. We are able to discuss everything else without conflict.

 

Whether a sexless marriage is reasonable grounds for divorce or not, the fact that he won't address it, be honest about it, or do anything to try to resolve the situation *is* grounds for divorce.

 

I agree that evidence points to him being gay. Maybe you could open the history and confront him? Tell him that if he is gay, you won't judge him, but that you need all the information so you can work together to come to some sort of resolution.

 

If he *is* gay, getting him to admit and own it is a favor to him as much as it is to you.

 

If he refuses to open up or work on the sex issue, then yes, you have grounds for divorce.

[Chixmom]

Agreed. He is opinionated that counselors only cause more confusion, so that option is out. I would go for personal counseling, but there are too many issues to continue trying. He has bought time in the marriage by saying he would try my "baby step" suggestions to at least improve on affectionate gestures, but never follows through.

 

Just this small amount of reading what I have typed revealed to me that the problem is deeper than I thought. I didn't want to end the marriage on presumptions, but a long series of lies over the years has completely undermined my confidence in our marriage. Sorry, I'm repeating.

 

It's been about 10 years of sheer torment and the last three years or so of acceptance, but confusion if I'm being reasonable. It's so cut and dry when there's a huge incident like an affair.

 

Thank you for the well wishes. I still have confidence to carry on either alone or if I find real love down the road.

[pteromom]

He has bought time in the marriage by saying he would try my "baby step" suggestions to at least improve on affectionate gestures, but never follows through.

 

But this doesn't solve the underlying issue. He doesn't desire you. He has no desire to have sex with you. He has no desire to be affectionate with you. It doesn't mean much if he has to force himself to try.

 

Even if he followed through and gave you hugs every day, and made himself have sex with you, and made himself cuddle with you at night... would that really be satisfying?

 

You deserve to be loved and cherished.

[Chixmom]

But this doesn't solve the underlying issue. He doesn't desire you. He has no desire to have sex with you. He has no desire to be affectionate with you. It doesn't mean much if he has to force himself to try.

 

Even if he followed through and gave you hugs every day, and made himself have sex with you, and made himself cuddle with you at night... would that really be satisfying?

 

You deserve to be loved and cherished.

 

You are right. It would prolong the agony, for both of us.

 

My gut tells me he will be relieved in the long run. I will post back how it goes.

[GorillaTheater]

You are right. It would prolong the agony, for both of us.

 

My gut tells me he will be relieved in the long run. I will post back how it goes.

 

Best of luck, Chixmom.

[vla1120]

You deserve to be loved and cherished.

 

I agree with Pteromom. You never consummated the marriage, and it sounds like there are some other underlying issues. You've given him plenty of time. At this point, I wouldn't even give him an ultimatum. I would just tell him that you care for him as a friend, but you don't want to be married to just a friend with no hope of anything more.

[LimeBlue]

This may be an odd question but have you seen him naked? Have you seen that he does have male organs? Your M is so bizarre that him having a past sex change comes to mind. Have you ever even touched him intimately? Or him you?

[Mr. Lucky]

You are right. It would prolong the agony, for both of us.

My first instinct was to be critical of your tolerating this for 13 years. But as I read your posts, it seems you've dealt with this at your own pace and based on your own comfort level. So while had it been me, the marriage would have been annulled after 13 days , good for you at having arrived at a positive outcome for your life going forward. Hope it goes well...

 

Mr. Lucky

[Chixmom]

Limeblue - You brought up an interesting point and yes I did touch him at the beginning and am sure of gender. I don't mind you making me consider everything. He was very uncomfortable with it, claiming to be extremely bashful. That excuse worked most of the time this dragged on.

 

Mr. Lucky - I do regret allowing myself to be strung along for so long and resigned to being content as a roommate. But you know what they say about hindsight... I have always been one to not doubt my intuition. But I was also too logical thinking and gave benefit of the doubt that the excuses were possible. The sympathetic side of me didn't want to nag and give him more mental anguish, because of course there were good, happy times outside of the problems. That's the OLD me now.

 

Everyone has confirmed what I know is the right thing to do. Look out for my own sanity!

[Yasuandio]

I was in this situation for about the last ten years of my marriage, minus the porn.

 

Based on my discoveries from what I could learn about my particular situation, he indeed was having sex with someone else - another woman for sure. I recognize this woman, as she approached us during the marriage, at a Starbucks, and randomly started a complex conversation with me. Now, post-divorce, I have seen him with this same woman.

 

One thing I learned in living a life without intimacy, it that, a man in decent condition, even in thei 50's, does not go without a sexual release for years at a time. But he led me to believe that he was either tired, stressed, had ED issues, whatever excuse possible to avoid any type of intimacy. And I was naive enough to buy it.

 

Other discoveries I came upon were extended (really extended) phone calls with a man that I did not know. These call fit a particular pattern, and had gone on at least the 4 years we owned the cell phones with that account. GPS put him in some interesting places just prior to quickie calls to this man.

 

You really never know what the heck is happening with a person that does not behave normally. It is normal to have sex, period. Especially in the case you describe. You are going to have to apply some hard core common sense to your situation.

 

Before we jump to gay, I would really want to know the style of porn he was watching. That could be very enlightening. And, it can be found out, with enough reseach tanacity.

 

Finially, I did read a good article/blog on this subject, authored by Michael Fiore. his answer to a similar question is yes, denying your partner intimacy is a valid reason to break-up or divorce, because, your mate has emotionally abandoned you. It is crazy- making when you are constantly rejected by your mate, is it not? It was for me. I believe, even close to 5 years now since the separation, I am still confounded and damaged, working diligently now, to reach my way out of this black hole - after this much time, I see a light. But that demonstrates how wounded I was, deep down to my soul.

 

Do you feel like that? Your way out of this is to make yourself happy. As you describe this situation, there is no way you can be happy with this. Many more years can be wasted wondering, questioning, hypothesizing........

 

You don't get them back. And there is no reason to be upset for wasted time, because, certainly, there were some good times, and you both gave up these years to be together. That is past. Forget it. It will take you some time to recover. Because, whether you know it or not, you have undergone constant rejection for years. And it is going to be a challenging transition.

 

You already see how many nice people that you do not even know, already have written to you, expressing their concerns and advice. You are being embraced. Doesn't that feel good? I hope the ideas help somehow, sqeatheart. Yas

[bentleychic]

A sexless marriage would definitely be a reason for divorce for me.

 

Good luck!

[SugarLips72]

A sexless marriage is absolute grounds for a divorce. He is selfish. He is using porn as a replacement to sex which is totally unacceptable. Porn can be used to spice up a sex life if both couples are into it but the fact its gay porn and the fact he wont touch you is bad. Deal breaker for me.

 

There is a popular saying “Sex is like air; it's not important unless you aren't getting any”.

 

Good luck in whatever you decide to do.

[carhill]

IMO, it sounds like irreconcilable differences and, in my mid-50's myself, life is short. Live it to the fullest. Good luck.

[Chixmom]

Yas, I read your post and it feels to know I'm not the only one. Wow, your last 10 yrs were so similar. His porn preference was not kiddie porn, thank goodness. But it was hard core.

 

After googling sexless marriage, I found this is not so uncommon. Although most who call them sexless marriages have some sex, just rarely.

 

It's possible he was having an affair, male or female. Or the porn was enough. The truth will remain a mystery to me forever.

 

I approached him about divorcing amicably today. He didn't agree. He said he's happy with the way it is! He has only a part time job and I am full time, so he's probably just worried about financial.

 

I don't care if we have to stay under the same roof, but we won't have the façade of a marriage when it's not. I'm not looking for anyone else, so if he can't go right away, I'm ok with that. We have slept in separate rooms for the last five years.

 

You all give me hope. It's good to hear the stories of people who got on with life.

[Chixmom]

First, this has been so much torment and with having no one to talk with, it is wonderful to start my computer and see posts - to know that someone out there is extending a life line.

 

I have nothing new to add. Just thought I should let everyone know this is the first time I have felt good now that I have real people giving real opinions on my situation alone. I'm going to try to do the same for others here.

 

It has been hard because my situation is so unique to have a 100% sexless marriage. I look at the sexless marriage help sites and catch myself envying those people who have it twice a year...something IS wrong with this picture.

 

And I never did mention in case you wonder, I am average looking. That shouldn't have been the problem. I started as a size 8 when we met, haven't changed much. I have let myself go frumpy only in the past year as far as dressing. In this case I know the egg came before the chicken. Note to self: I should probably change that habit for myself to maybe feel better.

 

If we cohabitate, I won't allow it for long and that's why he's flinching at the divorce. We have no assets worth fighting over and don't own our home. He will go several states away to family so fortunately will be permanent the day he packs and goes.

 

The beard comparison is exactly right. I feel like his cover to his family and coworkers who were teasing him when we met about not dating for so long.

Edited August 16, 2013 by Chixmom

[pteromom]

I have let myself go frumpy only in the past year as far as dressing. In this case I know the egg came before the chicken. Note to self: I should probably change that habit for myself to maybe feel better.

 

Yes, definitely. Go out into the world feeling sexy and alive, no matter what HE choose to do.

 

The beard comparison is exactly right. I feel like his cover to his family and coworkers who were teasing him when we met about not dating for so long.

 

Whether he is gay or not, something major is going on with him to not ever want sex during your whole marriage, or want to work on it to make it better.

[Misfortune]

First, this has been so much torment and with having no one to talk with, it is wonderful to start my computer and see posts - to know that someone out there is extending a life line.

 

I have nothing new to add. Just thought I should let everyone know this is the first time I have felt good now that I have real people giving real opinions on my situation alone. I'm going to try to do the same for others here.

 

It has been hard because my situation is so unique to have a 100% sexless marriage. I look at the sexless marriage help sites and catch myself envying those people who have it twice a year...something IS wrong with this picture.

 

And I never did mention in case you wonder, I am average looking. That shouldn't have been the problem. I started as a size 8 when we met, haven't changed much. I have let myself go frumpy only in the past year as far as dressing. In this case I know the egg came before the chicken. Note to self: I should probably change that habit for myself to maybe feel better.

 

If we cohabitate, I won't allow it for long and that's why he's flinching at the divorce. We have no assets worth fighting over and don't own our home. He will go several states away to family so fortunately will be permanent the day he packs and goes.

 

The beard comparison is exactly right. I feel like his cover to his family and coworkers who were teasing him when we met about not dating for so long.

 

How'd you manage for so long? How'd you relieve your frustrations? Not even a consummation? No foreplay/oral/anything of the sort?

 

I would've gave it 6 months-1 year maybe and then chalk it up to gay, cheating or I'm just the most repulsive creature in that person's eye.

[SugarLips72]

There is nothing normal about your arrangement. This is a win win for him. He is getting financial help, not showing any love to his wife and he is likely getting off from the gay porn so his needs are being met. Yours are not.

 

I would talk to an attorney just to make sure there is no way you will be stuck paying alimony to him. You do make more it sounds like. If he is choosing to work part time that should be considered. Do you rent or own the house? If you want him to leave you may have to proceed with having him evicted eventually. Please consult counsel. You deserve a much better life here.

[Chixmom]

How'd you manage for so long? How'd you relieve your frustrations? Not even a consummation? No foreplay/oral/anything of the sort?

 

I would've gave it 6 months-1 year maybe and then chalk it up to gay, cheating or I'm just the most repulsive creature in that person's eye.

 

I beat myself up over letting it go on so long. At first it was the usual excuses I bought into. Then, life happens and time drags on such as a terminal illness in his family, his minor surgery in year three. Always waiting for the right time. My advise to anyone is there is never a best time. Just get on with life.

 

I did talk a lot at first and said even if there was some kind of affectionate touching, anything at all would at least make me feel wanted. Nah, nothing.

 

I had no outlet, was always faithful if for no other reason I just didn't want to mess up my head with more cobwebs than the rejection put in there.

 

Someone told me the 50s can be the best years of your life! That is encouraging.