So... Does he like me or not? Very mixed signals.

[kileyy]

So I've known this guy for a year, and we became really close friends through math class last year. (We're both seniors in high school)

 

Anyways, I'm about 99.9% sure he used to like me during the summer, he used to text me first all the time and snap chat, etc. And he always acted like it when we were alone, but after that we didn't see each other until the first day of school. He had a short "thing" with this girl from another school, but that's over now because she doesn't want to date someone that far away and he says he regrets kissing her. On Saturday we hung out for the first time since I first thought he liked me, and we went to get coffee, he paid, and then asked if I wanted to go to a movie. After the movie (It was around 11 at night now) he asked if I wanted to go to try and climb these silos in a field by my house, because there's a ladder and people frequently take pictures from up there and what not. We walked over to them alone in this huge field, but got scared at the height and laughed and went back to his car.

 

When he took me home, I said I was too tired to get out and he joked that he'd carry me inside and opened my door for me. I got out and hugged him, and he made me promise that we'd talk everyday from now on. He then randomly asked me if I was okay about my ex treating me badly because we recently had a huge blowout? I found it kind of strange that he asked it out of nowhere. On a side note, we always make this prolonged eye contact that's like we see right through each other, if that means anything...

 

But anyways, after that night, he didn't text me so I texted him a day or so later. We talked for a while, but he just seems different when he texts me. When we're together, it's like he's pretty into me. But he never texts me first? I told him yesterday on twitter to text me and he said "You first." I asked why and he just said "Cause I said so ;)" I asked him if we were still hanging out Saturday because he had asked me to before. He replied with a long text saying what we were going to do, including dinner and whatnot. He's just so hot/cold all the time and I can't figure it out!!

 

I just am so confused about how he feels?? I just am tired of being the one to put so much effort, I'd like something back... He is a flirt but I don't think he ever takes girls out by themselves like with me.

[sunrise24]

When was the last time he initiated contact between you two? What period of time was he dating the girl from another school? (I'm wondering: are the two somehow linked?)

 

What happened with this "blowout" with your ex?

 

I asked him if we were still hanging out Saturday because he had asked me to before. He replied with a long text saying what we were going to do, including dinner and whatnot.

It sounds like you two are still on for Saturday; that would be a good time to bring up some of the questions you have regarding his feelings for you.

 

Every healthy relationship is a two-way street; how do you feel about him?

[kileyy]

The last time HE initiated contact was a while ago. A couple weeks back. Which confuses me because HE was the one who made me promise that we'd talk everyday last Saturday... and like I said, when I asked him to text me, he said "You first, cause I said so ;)" Which is really annoying ugh. I'm not even really sure he was "dating" the other girl, they just kind of had a fling for about a month. He said he's done with her, because she can't trust him, and that's a huge thing that has always bothered him..

 

About the blowout with my ex, we were together for about 3 and a half years, and I found out he cheated on me, left me, blah blah blah the whole sob story.

 

I'm not quite sure how I'd bring it up to him; I wouldn't want to ruin our friendship if he really didn't feel the same way... he's important to me and we've always been there for each other.

 

I do like him quite a bit, just tired of being confused all the time about his intentions. He acts so into me when we're together, but as soon as we are apart it becomes this game.

[sunrise24]

The last time HE initiated contact was a while ago. A couple weeks back.

What happened at that time that could have possibly led to the sudden shift?

In any case, this is a red flag pointing to a relationship that is becoming increasingly one-sided; if unaddressed, it will most likely persist, if not worsen.

 

If this other girl can't trust him, it could be just her, or it could point to another red flag in this relationship; how trustworthy is he really? A fling is not meant to have a significant emotional impact, yet it still bothers him...

 

Speaking of past relationships, how long ago did you break up with your ex? Does it still bother you?

 

You have legitimate concerns; unfortunately, there is no easy way to address them. There comes a time to bite the bullet; some pain and awkwardness now will save much more pain and awkwardness later on.

 

Keep in mind that at the age of 17-18 (for most people), emotional maturity is still very much in development, which lends credence to the observation that most high school relationships don't last.

 

Tomorrow (today is Friday at 4PM where I am as I post this) is an important opportunity for you to address your concerns about this relationship, with the help of the feedback and questions I've provided. Regardless of how he reacts, you're bound to learn important relationship lessons (or at least have more questions to continue your own learning process) if you step up to this opportunity. I understand your desire to be able to maintain and grow this relationship; ultimately, it's up to you to continue growing yourself and be able to attract & retain compatible companions accordingly. There is at least a chance that he will also learn from your next get-together such that you two can remain close; I hope that just the possibility of it is enough of a reason for you to go for it.

 

Let us know how that Saturday get-together goes. I wish you the best.

[kileyy]

My ex and I broke up about 3 months ago, but the drama and what not only stopped a month ago. It doesn't bother me anymore at all, I'm very done with him and the way he treated me! It's so strange how after a break up you feel you will never get over it, and then you look back and go, wow. Glad I am where I am now

 

Thanks you for everything! You bring up a lot of valid points I haven't considered. I guess I will see where tonight gets us and report back to you.

[kileyy]

Okay, sorry for not posting this sooner, but I have an even BIGGER problem now. Like gigantic. Oh boy.

 

So Saturday went well, we went shopping and normal things. Then we went back to a mutual friend's house pretty late, and this is where the problems started. We were both very tired and he was being extremely flirty, and I ended up sitting close to him and almost falling asleep. He began to stroke my arm lightly and I took this as a sign and took his hand in mine. We stayed like that for a while, caressing each other's hand. Then we made out, and he asked me if I was okay a couple times in between, and made me promise I was. I said yes and asked him the same thing, and he also promised. Everything was all good and he began to drive me home, and we held hands once again and kissed. He told me to text him tomorrow, and of course with him being weird about texting first, it took me a little bit of convincing to get him to say that HE'D text ME first. I had asked him why he was so insistent on me texting him first earlier in the day, and he had laughed and said it was a masculine thing.

 

ANYWAYS, the next day rolls around, and I don't hear from him until 9 PM. He says "Are you forgetting something?" I say no, and he says that I was supposed to text him. I replied I thought we established that was his job, and never got a reply back.

 

Now this morning, which happens to be my birthday, I asked him if he was alright and he ignored it, simply wishing me a happy birthday instead. I asked again, this time saying that we are best friends and I didn't want to make things weird, and we both shouldn't be allowed to make decisions that late at night haha. I just assumed he wanted to be friends at this point, and I was cool either way.

 

He replied and said he was fine, and that making decisions after 11 was not his forte. I asked him if we were good, and that I hoped he wouldn't ignore me forever because I didn't want it to be like that. He said he could promise he wouldn't do that, and I asked him to prove it by hanging out with me sometime this week. No reply.

 

Later tonight, after speaking with friends and family, I decided enough was enough and I wouldn't be treated like this... My mom thought maybe he was doing this because he wanted me to chase after him, because his past 2 relationships ended badly and he was the one left out in the dust. I texted him saying that we needed to talk and that I was confused, no reply. I waited about an hour and sent another one saying thanks because I thought he said that he promised he wouldn't ignore me. Still no reply, and he's read them. I really don't know what to do because I'm losing ANOTHER best friend in the course of a month.. I don't understand why he would do all these things

[kileyy]

Update: Just got a text from him saying that he was sorry and didn't mean to ignore me, he was just super weirded out by Saturday, but he doesn't not want to talk to me. Which is perfectly fine, I mean that's all he had to say, I was pretty weirded out too. I just don't know why he didn't say it sooner.

[sunrise24]

My mom thought maybe he was doing this because he wanted me to chase after him, because his past 2 relationships ended badly and he was the one left out in the dust.

Your mother nailed it.

 

I really don't know what to do because I'm losing ANOTHER best friend in the course of a month.. I don't understand why he would do all these things

All you can do at this point is pick up the pieces and keep moving forward. I don't know the details of your relationship with your mother, but it sounds like she has a great deal of emotional support for you. This guy clearly doesn't have the emotional maturity to have a mutually beneficial relationship with you; this is another example of the adage that friends come and go, which is especially common during the teenage years.

 

Nevertheless, it sounds like you do have true friends in your age group who love you for who you are; embrace them, for they are the exceptions to the "rules" I've implied.

 

he was sorry and didn't mean to ignore me, he was just super weirded out by Saturday, but he doesn't not want to talk to me.

He has a lot of maturing to do; the attitude he's been displaying hasn't been healthy for you. You can try a short period of No Contact (about 2 weeks) and see how he adapts.

 

P.S. Happy belated birthday to you! My birthday was this past Thursday.

[kileyy]

Thank you for all the support! I do agree, it seems like he has a lot of maturing to do - he was a very good friend, always there, continually supportive, etc. before we started heading out of the friend zone and into this new place. I've come to the conclusion that he really is just insecure, and wants all this attention and to have things in HIS control this time around. I think I'll take your advice and do no contact for a while, see if that has any effect on him.

 

And thank you for the birthday wishes! Happy belated birthday to you as well, hope it was a good one!

[xorro]

Oh jeez.. I didn't read all the follow up comments. His behavior is weird. Don't make out with him again, unless he actually discusses how he feels.

I would keep the contact to a minimum right now, until he starts missing you and invites you out. Good luck!

Edited August 20, 2013 by xorro

[kileyy]

I would keep the contact to a minimum right now, until he starts missing you and invites you out. Good luck!

 

what i plan on doing, he stop replying to my texts (once again) so i'll back off for a bit and see where that goes. i'm totally fine with just being friends if that's what he wants. i'm just wondering what "weirded out" means. weirded out because we're good friends and that happened? weirded out because he doesn't feel the same way? or like i said, and he's just afraid/insecure?

 

hmm. i always get the confusing ones.

[sunrise24]

i'm just wondering what "weirded out" means. weirded out because we're good friends and that happened? weirded out because he doesn't feel the same way? or like i said, and he's just afraid/insecure

In this case, he was uncomfortable with the making out that transpired between you two on Saturday night; at this point, further analysis is irrelevant. Edited August 20, 2013 by sunrise24

[kileyy]

Well the thing is, I was pretty weirded out too. It was nice and all, but I woke up Sunday morning with kind of a "what the hell happened last night" mind set, haha. It felt right in the moment I think for both of us, but I'm not sure why it was so odd after.

 

On a side note, he's texting me again saying he doesn't want to lose me either and that we need to hang out soon. At least he's making an effort, instead of just leaving it at that. I guess we'll just see what happens from here.

[sunrise24]

It felt right in the moment I think for both of us, but I'm not sure why it was so odd after.

To further clarify, "weirded out" can refer to a feeling of discomfort or remorse regarding a particular person, place, thing or event.

In this case, it sounds like you were feeling remorse after partaking in something that you knew deep inside wasn't healthy for you. At the same time, feelings of withdrawl tempt you into continuing the pattern; it's a phenomenon quite similar to drug addiction. I've been through this with video games (the "plug-in drug") and past toxic relationships (some say love is a drug).

 

On a side note, he's texting me again saying he doesn't want to lose me either and that we need to hang out soon. At least he's making an effort, instead of just leaving it at that. I guess we'll just see what happens from here.

Warning: anyone can say anything; actions speak louder than words.

 

Let's recap:

My mom thought maybe he was doing this because he wanted me to chase after him, because his past 2 relationships ended badly and he was the one left out in the dust.

I've come to the conclusion that he really is just insecure, and wants all this attention and to have things in HIS control this time around.

 

Ultimately, the decision of whether or not to maintain contact with him is up to you, but it sounds like he is currently motivated primarily by ego, rather than a sincere desire for a mutually beneficial relationship. If you choose to continue acknowledging his attempts to reach out, focus on the attitude; the motives behind the words & acts.

 

I'm glad I've been able to be of support.

Edited August 21, 2013 by sunrise24

[kileyy]

You are correct! Actions do speak louder than words - which makes me think the no contact thing is a good way to see if he is serious about what he's saying.

 

I actually didn't think it was unhealthy at the time, I feel like quite a few things have been leading up to this. I guess I just didn't think it would happen this soon, we've always had this chemistry between us. It was just unexpected and... I can't explain it!

 

But yes, I'm still unsure of his motive and that throws me off. Just how differently he acts when we're together compared to when we're apart. He's like a different person. It shouldn't be that way and it's pretty childish, to be honest. I'll have to wait and see if he can snap out of his ego-tistic world and quit playing games!