Separated - treading water and feeling like a ping pong ball... help?

[daisy]

My husband and I separated 6 months ago due to a total breakdown of communications and anger on both sides due to the usual - money, control and family issues. We did not see/speak to each other for 2 months, I filed for divorce, then we started to meet to talk, do things together, etc. The divorce was put "on hold."

 

I feel after seeing each other for 4 months that it is time for me to move back home (I am in an apartment and my six month lease is up) and start rebuilding our marriage. We both agree that we love each other, but he seems to want some kind of guarantee that we won't split again before he consents to me moving back in the house. (I would add here that he had not said a word to me for 2 weeks before I left - his way of punishing me when he is mad - and I left during the day when he was at work - I did NOT empty the house or anything like that, but didn't feel I could even tell him I was leaving- things were that bad. Now I don't know of any way I can prove to him I will not move out again. I am really afraid that the issue is he has grown used to living alone and doesn't totally hate it - he has the freedom to do the things he wants to do, and sees me almost as a girlfriend now. He has agreed to some marriage counciling, but part of me is afraid he never will want to live together again, that maybe he is just putting off the financial impact of a divorce and, while doing that, enjoying my companionship (sex too, but that is not a hugely important thing to him, the companionship and having someone to do things with is more important). I spent Christmas eve at the house with him, and now New Year's eve. He wants me there for the traditional family celebrations, but then is ready for me to go back to my apartment. I feel like a ping pong ball bouncing back and forth between homes.

 

My question is what do I do now? Try to be patient? Give the counciling a chance? How long do I wait? I feel as if I am just treading water and getting really tired. I feel that we are growing further and further apart living separately - I had to buy furniture, he now smokes in the house (always smoked outside before since I am a non-smoker), basically we are learning to not be married and I think that is so wrong. How can I make him wake up and either admit that he does not want to be man and wife, or admit to himself that he wants and needs me home?

 

I have tried being more "busy" with friends and things so I won't be so available, but it doesn't really work - he gets kindof mad that I am choosing other friends over him (then does not call me for several days). I also thought about getting a 2nd job somewhere like a bar or something where I would meet people- could help me and also make him worry??? Dumb idea???

[Juds]

Daisy,

Please, please don't rush into this. Six months is a very short time for any person to change, and in all honesty it doesn't sound to me much like your husband has changed much.

 

You said that before you left he didn't talk to you for 2 weeks (his form of punishment). You then went on to say that if you aren't available to him now, then he doesn't speak to you for a few days. Doesn't sound like he's changed much to me.

 

You might be right about him being comfortable in the house on his own. If you are available to him, then he really is getting the best of both worlds.

 

I would suggest that you hold off on this decision. Please don't decide your future based on a rental lease. Leases can be extended, and broken if necessary. However, if you go back to your husband prematurely, then you may regret your decision.

 

I would definitely suggest counselling before you decide to reconcile. The issues that you faced before will still be there unless both of you have recognised and dealt with them. It is always easier to be nice to each other when you are living in separate places, and when the demands of day-to-day life aren't upon you.

 

Before you move back, just be 100% positive that you really want to do it. Once you are back, if you decide to leave again, it will be twice as hard, and probably twice as nasty.

[Deejette]

It doesn't even sound like you want to really make a go of the marriage either. I mean, you were the one who moved out. Did you expect him to come crawling back to you after a certain time period? He was hurt by what you did and now is showing you that he can live without you except for the fun parts.

 

You need to talk to him and tell him that you want to make it work (if that is what you really want). Then, if he tells you he likes things the way they are, you might have to seriously consider that the marriage is over. I don't hear you talking about how much you love him and how you seriously think you made a mistake by moving out.

 

But just going back and expecting things to change just because you were away is not realistic.

Please, please don't rush into this. Six months is a very short time for any person to change, and in all honesty it doesn't sound to me much like your husband has changed much. You said that before you left he didn't talk to you for 2 weeks (his form of punishment). You then went on to say that if you aren't available to him now, then he doesn't speak to you for a few days. Doesn't sound like he's changed much to me. You might be right about him being comfortable in the house on his own. If you are available to him, then he really is getting the best of both worlds. I would suggest that you hold off on this decision. Please don't decide your future based on a rental lease. Leases can be extended, and broken if necessary. However, if you go back to your husband prematurely, then you may regret your decision. I would definitely suggest counselling before you decide to reconcile. The issues that you faced before will still be there unless both of you have recognised and dealt with them. It is always easier to be nice to each other when you are living in separate places, and when the demands of day-to-day life aren't upon you. Before you move back, just be 100% positive that you really want to do it. Once you are back, if you decide to leave again, it will be twice as hard, and probably twice as nasty.