Ex wife asked me to dinner Friday night

[worldgonewrong]

The image of you that your ex has at this very moment:

 

A desperate guy waiting by the phone; a guy who has no other plans except to sit around and pine for her; a guy who has no life outside of her.

 

Cold hard truth: She is quite content NOT to share a life with you anymore. She is also content to keep you tucked neatly in her back pocket.

 

I was that guy for a stretch, but grew out of that. You must, too, or else you're just going to choke on this non-existent life in which you're an emotionally-captive slave to someone who doesn't give a hoot about you.

 

You wrote,

Well guys what I feared the most came true last night...

Dude, if you woke up and you were chasing life by the tail, then you wouldn't even HAVE this fear. It wouldn't even rate as a fear.

 

Please, and I say this with all compassion: Wake the eff up. Move on. It's YOUR life, not hers. Become a better man for yourself, build some confidence and self-esteem; you're not going to build any self-esteem as long as you remained tethered emotionally to her.

[2sunny]

I'm sorry you're sad.

 

Did you read my post above?

 

 

Go DO something for someone ELSE and stop thinking about how YOU FEEL!

[2sunny]

It's WAY past time you start changing the way YOU participate...

 

Putting all your hopes, dreams and happiness in the hands of a gal that shows you time and time again that you are her afterthought - is misplacing YOUR power.

 

But it serves your purpose - it helps you fuel that pity party.

 

Your step work is designed to get rid of resentments and fear - yet you have refused to do that part of your healing.

 

 

She's got so much power over you - and you keep handing it ALL to HER knowing she is gonna walk all over you every time.

 

What are YOU gonna change?

[2sunny]

His prior thread for reference.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/330075-getting-over-myself

[RightThere]

I would not answer anything from her for six months and then reevaluate.

 

REVITUP

 

I have to echo this.

 

You were the back-up plan the entire time. There was probably a list of 10 different things that could have come up that would have made your ex bail on you anyways.

 

You have to go no contact for 6 months outside of your kids.

[2sunny]

IF she asks you to dinner again - do contrary action - say NO!

 

That would be doing differently than you've done in the past - and it might actually change something!

 

Contrary action should have been standard action for you a year ago - but keep insisting on doing it "your way" - the same way that's brought about more pain and disappointment.

 

Start telling her you're busy. Don't tell her anything personal. Get busy helping other people who will appreciate your efforts.

[hurts_so_bad]

I know you guys are probably going to think I am crazy but I wrote her a letter and I am going to give it to her today along with her child support...I am tired of trying to do what everyone else says I should in hopes to win her back..Shutting my mouth cause I am afraid that I may make her think I am interested if I open it or say the wrong thing...

I am tired of the game and trying to shape myself into someone Im not! Im a man with a lot of pride and a big ego who doesnt like to play game! I just cant! Im a straight forward guy who says what I feel and i cant change that!

 

I asked my friends advice on what if she bailed and he said so what? If you say something your an ass! Well thats not me! I have way too much emotion and feel I need to say something regardless of whether it chases her further or not! At this point I dont have her anyway so what the hell is the difference?

 

The difference is being me and doing what I feel I need to do instead of just shutting my mouth like a woose! Some people can do that and good for them..Not me! I need to say what I feel and thats the bottom line..What works for one person does not necessarily work for another..

 

My entire life Ive never tried to shape myself into being someone else to win a women...I never needed to and I never had a problem...Why start now...This is who I am and who she fell in love with! If thats not good enough then F@@k her!

 

I am hurt yes, I have done everything the way everyone said to leave her alone yadda yadda..Ive done it all and it got me nowhere...Some women want a guy to chase them, some dont, but at the end of the day its not about what they want! Its about who you are as a man!

 

I have friends that chased their girls and they ended up back together, Some that cased and didnt get back together...Some who shut their mouth and didnt chase that got back together and some that didnt..There is no guaranteed way to win a persons heart..

 

The only way to do so is to be who you are and if that doesnt work then its not worth it anyway!

 

This is the letter I am giving her...

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Dear xxxxx[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE]

I did a lot of thinking since you broke our date and we talked the other night.. I wanted nothing more then to work things out with you this past year and a half even after you cheated without even apologizing seemingly no regret! I still wanted to make things right because I knew all the wrong I did…If I were the perfect husband there would be no way in hell I would look at you again if you did what you did for no reason but, I knew I made my mistakes and figured we can clean the slate if we were to work things out…But I realize now there is no cleaning the slate and its time for me to let you go and you to let me go! What I mean by that is..Since you left there hasn’t been more then two weeks that have passed by without you contacting me..I understand contacting me regarding the kids..That’s fine, but you would always have reason to see me for something, just chat about stuff, yadda yadda…There were time when you said maybe we will work it out or even one time when you asked about the taxes and said, Who knows maybe we will be back together by then…This always left me with false hope which did not allow me to move on with my life! The latest thing was this date…I knew damn well you were gonna cancel! If you really wanted to see me you would have instead of making a lame ass excuse about helping audiene with cooking..Did cooking take all night? No, All you had to do was say lets go out later..Bottom line is if you really wanted to see me you would have….You say things but your actions do not prove them and Im tired of it…Im not your little puppet that you can dangle on strings every now and then to see if I still have interest! So do me a favor..From now on do not contact me unless its something important about the kids.. Nothing else…I do not want to hear from you and I do not want to see you..When the year is up in Oct or nov, whenever it is…I will contact you so we can go for the divorce together in Goshen..Until then, If you text or call about anything other then the kids, your texts or calls will go unanswered..Its time for me to put this game to an end..I wish you nothing but the best, I really do..You are a good person but not good for me anymore..

[hurts_so_bad]

IF she asks you to dinner again - do contrary action - say NO!

 

That would be doing differently than you've done in the past - and it might actually change something!

 

Contrary action should have been standard action for you a year ago - but keep insisting on doing it "your way" - the same way that's brought about more pain and disappointment.

 

Start telling her you're busy. Don't tell her anything personal. Get busy helping other people who will appreciate your efforts.

 

You are 100% right sunny! I know butit hasnt been easy to let her go..Its time to now

[hayewils]

I know you guys are probably going to think I am crazy but I wrote her a letter and I am going to give it to her today along with her child support...I am tired of trying to do what everyone else says I should in hopes to win her back..Shutting my mouth cause I am afraid that I may make her think I am interested if I open it or say the wrong thing...

I am tired of the game and trying to shape myself into someone Im not! Im a man with a lot of pride and a big ego who doesnt like to play game! I just cant! Im a straight forward guy who says what I feel and i cant change that!

 

I asked my friends advice on what if she bailed and he said so what? If you say something your an ass! Well thats not me! I have way too much emotion and feel I need to say something regardless of whether it chases her further or not! At this point I dont have her anyway so what the hell is the difference?

 

The difference is being me and doing what I feel I need to do instead of just shutting my mouth like a woose! Some people can do that and good for them..Not me! I need to say what I feel and thats the bottom line..What works for one person does not necessarily work for another..

 

My entire life Ive never tried to shape myself into being someone else to win a women...I never needed to and I never had a problem...Why start now...This is who I am and who she fell in love with! If thats not good enough then F@@k her!

 

I am hurt yes, I have done everything the way everyone said to leave her alone yadda yadda..Ive done it all and it got me nowhere...Some women want a guy to chase them, some dont, but at the end of the day its not about what they want! Its about who you are as a man!

 

I have friends that chased their girls and they ended up back together, Some that cased and didnt get back together...Some who shut their mouth and didnt chase that got back together and some that didnt..There is no guaranteed way to win a persons heart..

 

The only way to do so is to be who you are and if that doesnt work then its not worth it anyway!

 

This is the letter I am giving her...

 

[FONT=Times New Roman][sIZE=3]Dear xxxxx[/sIZE][/FONT]

[sIZE=3][FONT=Times New Roman] [/FONT][/sIZE]

I did a lot of thinking since you broke our date and we talked the other night.. I wanted nothing more then to work things out with you this past year and a half even after you cheated without even apologizing seemingly no regret! I still wanted to make things right because I knew all the wrong I did…If I were the perfect husband there would be no way in hell I would look at you again if you did what you did for no reason but, I knew I made my mistakes and figured we can clean the slate if we were to work things out…But I realize now there is no cleaning the slate and its time for me to let you go and you to let me go! What I mean by that is..Since you left there hasn’t been more then two weeks that have passed by without you contacting me..I understand contacting me regarding the kids..That’s fine, but you would always have reason to see me for something, just chat about stuff, yadda yadda…There were time when you said maybe we will work it out or even one time when you asked about the taxes and said, Who knows maybe we will be back together by then…This always left me with false hope which did not allow me to move on with my life! The latest thing was this date…I knew damn well you were gonna cancel! If you really wanted to see me you would have instead of making a lame ass excuse about helping audiene with cooking..Did cooking take all night? No, All you had to do was say lets go out later..Bottom line is if you really wanted to see me you would have….You say things but your actions do not prove them and Im tired of it…Im not your little puppet that you can dangle on strings every now and then to see if I still have interest! So do me a favor..From now on do not contact me unless its something important about the kids.. Nothing else…I do not want to hear from you and I do not want to see you..When the year is up in Oct or nov, whenever it is…I will contact you so we can go for the divorce together in Goshen..Until then, If you text or call about anything other then the kids, your texts or calls will go unanswered..Its time for me to put this game to an end..I wish you nothing but the best, I really do..You are a good person but not good for me anymore..

I agree completely with everything you said about being yourself..no contact to get them back, do nothing and they MIGHT come back.

These people we put so much belief in fell in love with us at the time when we all started dating.. To me, its them who has changed To me, its my wife who changed. I am always the same guy, all day every day.

Its also funny cause I just finished a new thread that I called "The Game:.

And then I click on this and see that you say you are finished playing the game.. Its tough, but for us to continue to play we have to do exactly what your doing. Let go with what we were dealt and learn to play another day with a different team mate.

[Porridge]

I'd say the letter is ok provided you follow through with it and do exactly as you have said. One of the first things your ex will do is test your newfound resolve with all sorts of manipulative tricks. If you crack and respond, then you've been beaten yet again.

 

The letter must be a genuine statement of your intentions and one which you stand by. If you're using it in the hope that it pulls her off the fence and brings her back to you, then it's going to be a fail.

[hurts_so_bad]

I'd say the letter is ok provided you follow through with it and do exactly as you have said. One of the first things your ex will do is test your newfound resolve with all sorts of manipulative tricks. If you crack and respond, then you've been beaten yet again.

 

The letter must be a genuine statement of your intentions and one which you stand by. If you're using it in the hope that it pulls her off the fence and brings her back to you, then it's going to be a fail.

 

 

Its a bit of both probably but mostly to move on for me and to stand up and be a man and tell her how I feel instead of cowering and saying nothing in fear of making her mad or in hopes that she will make another date... Another date for what? So I can get my hopes up to be shot down again? At what point do you put an end to the bull****? I will stand by it 100% not necessarily cause I want to but because I have too! I am learning to steer away from things and people who hurt me..Thats the main thing I think! There comes a time that you need to start taking things as they are ACCEPTANCE instead of trying to change yourself or mold yourself into someone in hopes you will win a person back..Like the words popeye always says "I AM WHAT I AM"...If thats not good enough then its not and I need to move forward...The only way I will crack is if she comes here on her hands and knees and says she loves me and wants to get back..That would be a road I will cross if it ever happens..

[hurts_so_bad]

I agree completely with everything you said about being yourself..no contact to get them back, do nothing and they MIGHT come back.

These people we put so much belief in fell in love with us at the time when we all started dating.. To me, its them who has changed To me, its my wife who changed. I am always the same guy, all day every day.

Its also funny cause I just finished a new thread that I called "The Game:.

And then I click on this and see that you say you are finished playing the game.. Its tough, but for us to continue to play we have to do exactly what your doing. Let go with what we were dealt and learn to play another day with a different team mate.

 

There is a little bit of a game in everything but it depends on how much you want to get into that game...If your playing with a team mate that you can never win with sooner or later you have to trade em... its a matter of knowing what you want in life and what you dont..If you do then there is no game..It may hurt to trade a player you can never win with because they may be great in your eyes and you will really miss them but at the end of the day, If you can never win with them there is no reason to keep playing with them unles you dont mind losing!

 

I will tell you a little story about my ex years ago...She was dating a guy for 6 years that she broke off with...She started dating me and like 3 weeks later she broke off with me because she wasnt sure if she still cared for him... I told her I wasnt happy with the decision but she has to do what she has to do...I did go on and say to her, So what are you gonna do run right to him now?

 

she said no..The next day Im driving and I stop at a red light..I look over to my left and there she is in his car...I was furious! I had a mustang gt 5.0 and I ripped tire marks in the street about 100 feet long!

 

The next day I took every card and letter she game me and threw them all over her stoop of her moms house!

 

Without any contact after, About a week later I get home from work and she is sitting in the kitchen with my mom and dad...So we talked a bit about nothing...

 

The next day the same tihng and then the next..Finally I told her, Hey! I do care for you very much but if we arent going to be together I do not want to see you anymore...

 

The next day she came to my house crying and saying how much she loved me and we were together for 20 years sfter that..

 

My point is is to be yourself...There was no game in what I did at all! I ripped up the streets with my car and pretty much made an ass of myself by throwing the cards on her stoop...Which many people would tell you they would have played it differently and it wasnt the right thing to do but how do they know? she might have loved that about me! That little part of me being a maniac I think is what attracted her to me...So there is no real right or wrong..You just gotta be you and if its not working with being you and you try to change who you are you are actually bowing down to that person in my eyes!

 

But you have to know your limits as well..My new found way of being is to let go of things and people that hurt you! No matter how much you may want someone its not worth it if they dont care for you back and it only hurts more to play all the games! Its confusing and just continues the pain if they dont work!

 

There is a time when you just give up and say IM DONE!

[2sunny]

She knows how you feel. She's known for more than a year.

 

You don't need a letter - you don't need more to be said.

 

Silence from you will tell her everything you feel.

 

Your action (silence) will help her understand you don't intend to be at the mercy of her any longer.

 

Communicate with your kids directly - if they say "want to talk to Mom? - say "no, I called to talk to you".

 

No response to her is a standard response when someone disrespects and disregards you like she has for so long.

[hayewils]

im not at all into playing games. my point is that it seems that's all we do.

you may not realize it, nobody may realize it.

I gave my all and put everything I could into my relationship. But like you said, if you don't get it back, whats the sense.

My ex, gave nothing to our relationship. I do have my faults and I do recognize them but, at the same time, when you have someone who doesn't communicate with you, when you ask them over and over if they are ok do you have something you want to talk about and their only response is, no, im fine. it is a game. they have things that bother them but wont open up, so it leaves the other person guessing, I know something is wrong, what is it? What do I do, I starts the guessing part.

I am done with it, and I am not bowing to anybody anymore. I am at the point that, if they want to be with me great and if they don't want to be with me, great. whatever.

But I am not going to be someone I am not.

My ex never talked to me and she told me before she left while I was till trying.. she said, to late, Im done.

For what? you not talking to me? You not showing me any affections?

Why did this person ever marry me?

 

IF there is zero communication, its going to fail. no matter what we try and say

[hurts_so_bad]

She knows how you feel. She's known for more than a year.

 

You don't need a letter - you don't need more to be said.

 

Silence from you will tell her everything you feel.

 

Your action (silence) will help her understand you don't intend to be at the mercy of her any longer.

 

Communicate with your kids directly - if they say "want to talk to Mom? - say "no, I called to talk to you".

 

No response to her is a standard response when someone disrespects and disregards you like she has for so long.

 

Your right and I decided not to give her the letter...Its funny cause its like it was meant to be not to give it to her...My daughters came down yesterday afternoon for a bit, they went to the store and said they would be back later but never came back..I was so gunghow on giving them this letter for her before they left for vacation but being they never made it back gave me time to think about it and change my mind....

 

Like it was meant to be that I didnt give her the letter... Its so hard to decide what to do and what is the right thing to do? I feel keeping my mouth shut makes me look weak and that she now even so she always has, Has the upper hand again..I feel like less of a man not saying anything..So you ask yourself who to be..Do I want to be that straight up honest man and just tell it like it is or do I keep playing the game..

 

Like Hayewils mentioned We all play games without even knowing it..Its true...An I feel like if I gave her the letter its really in some way hopes to bring her off the fence..Truth is I know she is very spitful and will not call again...By not saying anything I know she will and when she does denying her will shock the **** out of her more then that letter ever could! Cause she knows that letter is written in anger that she flaked on the date..

 

I have been searching a long time now to find who I am or who I want to be in life..Like a motto or a ideal that when something goes wrong you can say what would Clint Eastwood do? Get me? Something you can fall back on for direction in life..Not knowing what to do and being confused is a very painful thing!

 

I said it in a prior thread..Someone knocked it down saying it wasnt a good outlook but I think it is and gives me the referrence to know what to do in situations like this..And that is "Treat people the way you want to be treated BUT Treat people the way they treat you!"

 

Your gonna play games with me,Im gonna play them right back with you! So the next time she calls, texts, etc...Cold as ICE! Date? No maybe another time call me.. You said it yourself sunny that contrary action might even change something..That in itself is a bit of a game! Its all a matter of playing the game right...

 

Maybe in time it will get me what I do want maybe it wont..It hurts to play the game with someone you feel so much for but what else can you do.Maybe in the misdt of all this crap somewhere along the line I will meet someone or I will have had enough to the point where I dont care anymore, Then the game will be over!

[hurts_so_bad]

IF she asks you to dinner again - do contrary action - say NO!

 

That would be doing differently than you've done in the past - and it might actually change something!

 

Contrary action should have been standard action for you a year ago - but keep insisting on doing it "your way" - the same way that's brought about more pain and disappointment.

 

Start telling her you're busy. Don't tell her anything personal. Get busy helping other people who will appreciate your efforts.

 

 

I get exactly what you said in this, I do..The reason I was doing what I did for so long and not listening I guess was because i felt guilty for what I put her threw and figured I'd try to show her i could be nice and be a good man..Thats why I vow to myself now that with my next LTR I am going to make damn sure I do the right thing! If you dont it leaves you in the confusion on who to be in that situation..If I was a great husband and this happened I would know I was right and would have told her to go F@@k herself a long time ago! I am at the point now though that I showed what I could and its still doing nothing so F it!

Now its time for me to be the hard @ss!

 

Seems thats what she liked and was attracted to me in the first place! Seems once I started conforming and softening up is where things went downhill... Gotta be that hard @ss again who shows that hey! If you dont want to be with me I dont want to be with you...No matter how much it kills me thats what I have to do..Simply put treat her the way she treats me!

[hurts_so_bad]

This is a really crappy motto.

 

ALWAYS treat people kindly. Always keep your own integrity and do the right thing.

 

If someone treats you poorly, you may have to distance yourself from them emotionally, physically, or both. But never stoop to their level - when you do, you are only selling yourself out.

 

As far as your worries, you need to stay focused on the things that are within your control.

 

Here's what you can control:

- Yes, you will show up for dinner with your ex.

- You can show up looking nice, and go in with an open heart and a willingness to see what happens next.

 

That's it. You can't control whether she shows up, what she does, what she says, what her intentions are, why she wants to have dinner, and whether she'll want to reconcile.

 

Live in this moment, and rather than get carried away with what-ifs. You simply do not know what is going to happen.

 

If she does play you for a fool, you can feel good knowing you went in with great intentions.

 

 

Your right it was a crappy motto..Try this one on for size!

Be authentic! Do not play games! Say what you mean and mean what you say! If that’s not good enough then walk away!

[2sunny]

Have you spent time and energy doing for others? Have you posted to other threads yet to get out of yourself and to be helpful to someone else?

 

Or are you just still thinking it's all about you and how you feel?

[rachel7475]

Seems like you've got the right idea now about how to act toward her.

 

Seriously 2Sunny... how many times has he told you how busy his schedule is and how he is doing what he can with the steps and that's all you can say over and over. You really think it's getting to him when every comment from you is "what about step 12 are you there yet!?" when you know he's not for reasons he's given time and time again. Focus on your own 12 Steps! Why don't you try helping him out by paying for a driver for him once a week stop patronizing him!

[2sunny]

Seems like you've got the right idea now about how to act toward her.

 

Seriously 2Sunny... how many times has he told you how busy his schedule is and how he is doing what he can with the steps and that's all you can say over and over. You really think it's getting to him when every comment from you is "what about step 12 are you there yet!?" when you know he's not for reasons he's given time and time again. Focus on your own 12 Steps! Why don't you try helping him out by paying for a driver for him once a week stop patronizing him!

 

Ill let you try encouraging him to invoke some changes in his life then - it's been more than a year and nothing has changed.

 

Agreeing with him isn't likely to change a thing. He MAY need to accept it if he isn't changing a thing - that way he wouldn't have a need to complain about it while nothing changes.

 

From my experience the best way to start feeling happy and hopeful is to help others...strangers even! Getting away from thinking how one feels is key.

 

 

If nothing changes = nothing changes. What is your suggestion then?

[GuyInLimbo]

IMO, if you are still struggling with all of this "Who am I? What do I want?" stuff then the LAST thing you should be doing is dating, much less going back to someone that fits your comfort zone. I think this is a big mistake on your part. You need to take a year off from other women and focus on being happy with yourself and figuring out what you want. It's too easy to go back to someone you were "comfortable" with than deal with your demons/anxieties/whatever.

[hurts_so_bad]

Ill let you try encouraging him to invoke some changes in his life then - it's been more than a year and nothing has changed.

 

Agreeing with him isn't likely to change a thing. He MAY need to accept it if he isn't changing a thing - that way he wouldn't have a need to complain about it while nothing changes.

 

From my experience the best way to start feeling happy and hopeful is to help others...strangers even! Getting away from thinking how one feels is key.

 

 

If nothing changes = nothing changes. What is your suggestion then?

 

 

Its as simple as this! I am still hurting and nothing is going to change that! Not AA, Not theropy, NOthing until I get over it..My schedule consists of this! up at 4:15am...Catch my bus at 4:50am..At work at 7am..Leave work at 3pm..Catch my bus home at 4:15pm..get home at 6pm...Feed dogs, clean house, eat dinner, AA meetings when I can, Theropy once a week...When in the world am I supposed to find time to help others!?

 

You seem to think that I dont have a life and I am sitting on my @ss all day thinking and feeling sorry for myself,,NO! I have a job, I have a house, I have children I pay child support for all this while feeling down and out..Its not an easy task! I pat myself on the back for how far I have come given my situation! Days at work where I felt like I dont want to be there! But I was there! I got the job done! There are many others that wouldnt even be able to do that and hold the responsibilities I do!

 

I barely have time to help myself! Not being able to have time to get out and go and do things I want to do is whats killing me! Not the steps!

AA has done alot for me but its not the end all cure all either!

[2sunny]

So what do you suggest will change things for you?

[hurts_so_bad]

So what do you suggest will change things for you?

 

I dont know..What can change things for me? Time I guess..Sometimes life can make you or break you...No matter how happy a person is sometimes situations in life can make them miserable...

 

I have everything I need except for the license which I am working on and someone to share life with..It doesnt necessarily mean Im a miserable person who doesnt love himself because Im lonely does it? I dont think so..

 

I like the company of someone special..This whole idea that you have to be happy with yourself to be happy by yourself is all out of wack I think..I believe you can be happy with yourself but not by yourself...I think everyone on here is searching for either reconciliation or hopes to find someone new..That doesnt mean that everyone on here is unhappy with themselves does it? Just unhappy in their situation

[2sure]

Having your license and getting back on the road is a great and achievable goal. That will change your life, give you back hours in your day. It's long term, so you have to find a way to get happy in the pockets that you have.

 

Meditation, reading, music, learning a language, I don't know I'm brainstorming. Just something totally different to get you out of that box in the time that you have.