He's being shady

[inamity]

I've been seeing a guy casually for a few weeks now. My friends haven't met him, but they seem to think he's shady. I argued back that he wasn't. Because he seemed (big cliche incoming) "unlike other guys." He was very sensitive and not at all pushy with me for intimacy.

 

But the way he acts when he's not around me seems to be a completely different person. And I don't know if I am just being paranoid or if I should just drop this guy.

 

We've gone on about 10 or 11 dates. He's been to my house about 5 times. I have never been to his place. He's never invited me. He's flaked on me more than a couple of times. The excuses seemed plausible at first. He has a car but he usually bikes everywhere and he cancelled on me twice due to rain. One time, he claimed he was sick. One time, he said he had gone on an organized bike ride and was too tired, so I offered to come over to his place and he said no and asked to meet me at a bar near his place. Most recently however... not a huge date--I asked him a day in advance to come over to my apartment so we could watch a movie together at 9:30. At 9, I hadn't heard from him. At 9:35, he texts me to tell me he's on the phone with his mom and that she's talking his ear off.

 

I got really, really suspicious. Because if my mom ever called me when I had made plans, I'd say, "I'll call you tomorrow, I have plans" and that'd be it. He apologized a ton and said he felt awful and offered to come over still, but I was just not having it. I was angry, but I didn't tell him that. I just told him I was very disappointed. I felt like he wasn't being respectful of my time.

 

And on top of that... I never see him on the weekend and he takes forever to respond to texts. I'm almost convinced I'm playing the role of the "other woman" and that this guy has a girlfriend. I have no evidence to confront him with. All I have is the fact that he has flaked on me numerous times. Is it even worth it to talk to him about this stuff or should I just bail? When we're together, I like him a lot. But I don't like everything in between.

 

(As I'm posting this, he said after standing me up the night before that he would come over tonight.... that's 15 minutes from now and I haven't heard from him yet again... I feel like he's going to stand me up yet again.)

Edited August 15, 2013 by inamity

[todreaminblue]

If someone continually flakes on you , doesnt call you back, doesnt answer direct questions....or initiate.......its time to move on...not because he "might" have another relationship..as you said you have no proof of that....but because he makes you feel insecure...if you feel insecure and unhappy.......listen to that.....have a talk to him honestly.......see what he says....make up your mind from there.......i wish you the best...deb

[Star Gazer]

He's married or has a live-in girlfriend.

[inamity]

^^^

Of all the suspicions I have, I don't think this is true. He does talk a lot about his roommate, who from what I understand is a guy he goes to school with. Unless he's come up with a very very elaborate lie... which would be really insane.

 

But yeah, it does make me feel insecure. Because he talks about how much he likes me and says so many thoughtful things to me but then... I just feel so insignificant. I see him maybe twice a week... it's been a week since I last saw him... and I have no idea what he's busy with because he doesn't tell me. Granted, I don't ask... but... I don't know, I sure offer a lot to him about what's going on in my life.

[CarrieT]

Why don't you meet on weekends? After ten or eleven dates, this seems odd...

 

It would not be insane for a guy (or girl!) to create an elaborate lie if he is living with someone else. It would be prudent on his part to keep the two lives (and loves) separate.

[Star Gazer]

^^^

Of all the suspicions I have, I don't think this is true. He does talk a lot about his roommate, who from what I understand is a guy he goes to school with. Unless he's come up with a very very elaborate lie... which would be really insane.

 

What's an elaborate lie? "I have a dude roommate who I go to school with"? Would it really be that difficult to keep you separate from another woman? How do you think people cheat and get away with it for so long?

 

I was once involved with a married man without knowing. He had a completely separate condo from his married home that was paid by his law firm.

 

One of my best friends was with a guy where every time she went over to his place, he changed all the pictures that were out on shelves and up on the wall to those he'd taken with her. When his other girlfriend came over, he switched the pictures. He took them on the same vacations, gave them the same presents. That went on for almost 5 years before she found out... by finding the pictures frames in the closet.

[inamity]

Why don't you meet on weekends? After ten or eleven dates, this seems odd...

 

It would not be insane for a guy (or girl!) to create an elaborate lie if he is living with someone else. It would be prudent on his part to keep the two lives (and loves) separate.

 

I mean, just insane to the degree in which he's carrying it out. If I had to take a stab in the dark, I would suspect that if he did have a girlfriend, the not inviting me over is to keep his roommate in the dark about me so that it doesn't get reported to whatever girlfriend there is. My brain just can't comprehend it because it's so foreign to me... I try to make logical sense of it but there is none. Like if he had been pushy about sex, I'd understand but I initiated all the intimacy there has been so I don't know why he'd even waste his time if I were just some sort of side-action he's got going on. His in-person personality (and the actions he takes) are so in conflict with all of this.

 

The elaborate lie is that he talks about this guy a lot. He has stories about him. And a lot of them.

[truth_seeker]

It's pretty obvious something is going.

 

A) You are the other woman.

 

B) He's a loser.

 

C) Both A and B.

[Star Gazer]

The elaborate lie is that he talks about this guy a lot. He has stories about him. And a lot of them.

 

Over-sharing unimportant/irrelevant information is a sign of deception.

[KatZee]

One of my best friends was with a guy where every time she went over to his place, he changed all the pictures that were out on shelves and up on the wall to those he'd taken with her. When his other girlfriend came over, he switched the pictures. He took them on the same vacations, gave them the same presents. That went on for almost 5 years before she found out... by finding the pictures frames in the closet.

 

This is REALLY f*cked up. The depravity of some people is absolutely mind blowing.

[inamity]

One of my best friends was with a guy where every time she went over to his place, he changed all the pictures that were out on shelves and up on the wall to those he'd taken with her. When his other girlfriend came over, he switched the pictures. He took them on the same vacations, gave them the same presents. That went on for almost 5 years before she found out... by finding the pictures frames in the closet.

 

That definitely is messed up. But I mean, how do you handle something like that? I mean in my case, I have no idea how to bring it up and it would really just destroy me to find out that there is any truth behind this. He knows I feel strongly about him. He knows I'm a very sensitive, emotional person. I don't understand why someone would even bother with that kind of potential mess if they can just go for something simpler with someone who's not as sensitive.

 

I know I can just "walk away" but what if I'm wrong? What if this is all just a bunch of really weird coincidences and he's left hanging there like "???" while I walk away with the incorrect perception that all men are evil.

[Star Gazer]

That definitely is messed up. But I mean, how do you handle something like that? I mean in my case, I have no idea how to bring it up and it would really just destroy me to find out that there is any truth behind this. He knows I feel strongly about him. He knows I'm a very sensitive, emotional person. I don't understand why someone would even bother with that kind of potential mess if they can just go for something simpler with someone who's not as sensitive.

 

I know I can just "walk away" but what if I'm wrong? What if this is all just a bunch of really weird coincidences and he's left hanging there like "???" while I walk away with the incorrect perception that all men are evil.

 

You'd be destroyed after 10-11 dates, no intimacy, not seeing his space? Really?

 

Do you have a problem being open and honest with him? Something along the lines of, "Why haven't you invited me to your place? Can we spend this weekend together?"

[inamity]

You'd be destroyed after 10-11 dates, no intimacy, not seeing his space? Really?

 

Do you have a problem being open and honest with him? Something along the lines of, "Why haven't you invited me to your place? Can we spend this weekend together?"

 

Sorry I think I misrepresented the situation. There has been intimacy. Just not pushed by him at all. It would probably really shake me up. I haven't slept with that many men... like he's the first person I have ever slept with outside of the context of a very longterm serious relationship. I only gave it up because I felt such a strong bond to him from the start (and he's aware of that)

[Star Gazer]

Sorry I think I misrepresented the situation. There has been intimacy. Just not pushed by him at all. It would probably really shake me up. I haven't slept with that many men... like he's the first person I have ever slept with outside of the context of a very longterm serious relationship. I only gave it up because I felt such a strong bond to him from the start.

 

Would you rather know now, or later, once you're even more invested?

 

This situation is beyond suspicious.

[Eddie Edirol]

That definitely is messed up. But I mean, how do you handle something like that? I mean in my case, I have no idea how to bring it up and it would really just destroy me to find out that there is any truth behind this. He knows I feel strongly about him. He knows I'm a very sensitive, emotional person. I don't understand why someone would even bother with that kind of potential mess if they can just go for something simpler with someone who's not as sensitive.

 

I know I can just "walk away" but what if I'm wrong? What if this is all just a bunch of really weird coincidences and he's left hanging there like "???" while I walk away with the incorrect perception that all men are evil.

 

if youve dated before you probably didnt have this blatant clues to be suspicious. You can talk to him, see what he says. Maybe he really does have a roommate but is ashamed of his apartment for some reason. maybe he lives with his mother, maybe his apartment is a mess. Maybe he doesnt even own the car.

 

Even if he wasnt married, if he was truly interested in you, he wouldnt stand you up this early in the relationship. I think you should bail before you become even more emotionally invested.

 

Talk to him first, see what he says about why he doesnt want you at his place. Then drop him at the curb.

[inamity]

Would you rather know now, or later, once you're even more invested?

 

This situation is beyond suspicious.

 

I know. Every time I ask a question that isn't just boldly accusatory, he has some excuse though, something that is hard to argue.

 

The night that he went on a long bike ride and was too tired to come to my place (which is a legitimate excuse, my house is on a very large hill that is difficult to ride a bike up) and I offered to go to his place, he said his roommate (a different one) was in the process of moving out and the other (that he's always talking about) was in the process of moving in so the place was a huge mess.

 

I've never asked to meet on the weekend because I guess I didn't want to be too pushy if we went out on a Thursday night to be asking for a date the very next night or something.

[ltjg45]

^^^

Of all the suspicions I have, I don't think this is true. He does talk a lot about his roommate, who from what I understand is a guy he goes to school with. Unless he's come up with a very very elaborate lie... which would be really insane.

 

You don't even know if that is true or not. For all I know, his roommate could be a woman that he's banging on the side.

 

Best to consider every possibility in this case and, frankly, when he said he rather listen to his mother complain than be with you that night, something tells me he's lying and has better plans that evening.

 

I do believe he is shady and that he is keeping you as a side-piece. Dump him and find someone else.

[inamity]

You don't even know if that is true or not. For all I know, his roommate could be a woman that he's banging on the side.

 

Best to consider every possibility in this case and, frankly, when he said he rather listen to his mother complain than be with you that night, something tells me he's lying and has better plans that evening.

 

I do believe he is shady and that he is keeping you as a side-piece. Dump him and find someone else.

 

Right. I'm at a point where I think I need to just let go. When I got upset about the night before, he said, "How about I come over tomorrow night at 9:30? I have a bike ride before that... actually how about I just skip the ride and spend the whole evening with you... so 7:30" and I said, "I'd like that but do what works best for you." It's now 8PM, I texted him at 6:45 asking if he was still coming over, and at 7:40 after no response, I just said, "I guess that's a no?" He acted like he was so apologetic the night before... yet here we are. Two nights in a row, me feeling like an idiot. I didn't make plans for tonight because I thought I was going to spend it with him. I feel so dumb.

 

And I wish I could just fast forward time so I could see what stupid response he'll give me.

[ltjg45]

Right. I'm at a point where I think I need to just let go. When I got upset about the night before, he said, "How about I come over tomorrow night at 9:30? I have a bike ride before that... actually how about I just skip the ride and spend the whole evening with you... so 7:30" and I said, "I'd like that but do what works best for you." It's now 8PM, I texted him at 6:45 asking if he was still coming over, and at 7:40 after no response, I just said, "I guess that's a no?" He acted like he was so apologetic the night before... yet here we are. Two nights in a row, me feeling like an idiot. I didn't make plans for tonight because I thought I was going to spend it with him. I feel so dumb.

 

And I wish I could just fast forward time so I could see what stupid response he'll give me.

 

See what I mean?

 

If a guy was so into you, this wouldn't be happening. Way too many excuses and it seems like your plans is constantly changing on the spot.

 

I wouldn't be surprised that, at first, he wanted to spend time with you and then he got a better offer elsewhere and went with that choice.

 

Of course, it is a generalization but what else can I say? Coming from the information that is available to me, to him, you are a "last resort" option.

 

I know this much though: You aren't his primary option. That alone is enough to tell him to bug off.

[Leigh 87]

This is REALLY f*cked up. The depravity of some people is absolutely mind blowing.

 

 

 

Wow. I would have felt like I was in a movie, if that sh*t happened to me ^^^^

 

I'd probably never talk to them again.

 

Anyways - this guy this thread was made about, is just not that into her and possibly has a girlfriend or wife.

 

No women with self respect should stand for this. You're not his priority. He is just having fun with you. I am sure he likes you, but not THAT much...

 

Move on. There are men out there who will be interested in you, and will call and text regularly without regularly taking ages to respond.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Leigh 87

[Leigh 87]

I know. Every time I ask a question that isn't just boldly accusatory, he has some excuse though, something that is hard to argue.

 

The night that he went on a long bike ride and was too tired to come to my place (which is a legitimate excuse, my house is on a very large hill that is difficult to ride a bike up) and I offered to go to his place, he said his roommate (a different one) was in the process of moving out and the other (that he's always talking about) was in the process of moving in so the place was a huge mess.

 

I've never asked to meet on the weekend because I guess I didn't want to be too pushy if we went out on a Thursday night to be asking for a date the very next night or something.

 

 

 

HE HAS A CAR!

 

Geez.

 

Look. When a guy really has a strong urge to see you, he will. Irrespective of how busy he is!

 

And a guy who is into you and likes you enough to only make YOU his one and only focus: he will ALWAYS want to spend at least ONE day each weekend with you, with only a few exceptions ( like a small road trip with his guy friends, or a family weekend away, that type of thing).

 

Look. Flaking along in the many in which he has done so, is ENOUGH reason to leave him. To tell him to please stop contacting you because you are not happy with the direction the relationship is going and would like to get over him asap.

 

Not only has he flaked, but that excuse about talking to his mother... please:sick:

 

Every single thing he DOES do should be SCREAMING at you that he is just not that into you.

[inamity]

Wow. I would have felt like I was in a movie, if that sh*t happened to me ^^^^

 

I'd probably never talk to them again.

 

Anyways - this guy this thread was made about, is just not that into her and possibly has a girlfriend or wife.

 

No women with self respect should stand for this. You're not his priority. He is just having fun with you. I am sure he likes you, but not THAT much...

 

Move on. There are men out there who will be interested in you, and will call and text regularly without regularly taking ages to respond.

 

Well he finally got back to me. His excuse was "I fell asleep." I don't buy it. That's what alarms are for. I'm done. Thanks for helping me see what I wasn't seeing, everyone.

[2sunny]

Right. I'm at a point where I think I need to just let go. When I got upset about the night before, he said, "How about I come over tomorrow night at 9:30? I have a bike ride before that... actually how about I just skip the ride and spend the whole evening with you... so 7:30" and I said, "I'd like that but do what works best for you." It's now 8PM, I texted him at 6:45 asking if he was still coming over, and at 7:40 after no response, I just said, "I guess that's a no?" He acted like he was so apologetic the night before... yet here we are. Two nights in a row, me feeling like an idiot. I didn't make plans for tonight because I thought I was going to spend it with him. I feel so dumb.

 

And I wish I could just fast forward time so I could see what stupid response he'll give me.

 

I think he's married.

 

Did he tell you where he lives? Have you driven by to see if he has male room mates?

 

He's hiding a lot. He's unpredictable, inconsistent and disrespects your time.

 

Any man who is available but doesn't take you out on weekends - has either a wife or other women he's seeing before he considers you.

 

Why are you being so "understanding" when he keeps being crappy to you?

 

The married men overcompensate so you'll stay.

 

Find out if he's married. Do a search to find out.

[2sunny]

Well he finally got back to me. His excuse was "I fell asleep." I don't buy it. That's what alarms are for. I'm done. Thanks for helping me see what I wasn't seeing, everyone.

 

Good for you!

 

He's not nice!

[Leigh 87]

Well he finally got back to me. His excuse was "I fell asleep." I don't buy it. That's what alarms are for. I'm done. Thanks for helping me see what I wasn't seeing, everyone.

 

 

 

 

 

Good girl. Man, that is the most lame and pathetic excuse! It is actually a huge insult that he expected you to buy it.

 

For some reason, he has no respect for you; because he feeds you pathetic excuses for not spending time with you, and you buy it.

 

You deserve so much better than a guy who KNOWS you were UPSET, and then does not even bother coming over to comfort you; worse, he leaves it a day and lies about falling asleep.

 

I promise; he is lying about falling asleep. Guys who like a girl do not.... fall asleep. And if they did, they would still damn well come over to see them. Especially if they had a car.....

 

Please learn from this. How a man acts has to translate to all facets of his life! Being lovey and caring towards you in person is not enough of a sign. His "loving" behaviour should also translate to his plans and communication when you're not together.

 

He said one thing, but his actions did not support him "really liking you".

 

Sorry you're feeling sad. Have a cry and then move on and only date men who are into you and where everything they say they feel adds up.