He's being shady

[Versacehottie]

yeah, suspicious as stargazer said. I am not one for the absolutes that people can sometimes give in the course of giving advice. But I would say that regardless of whatever his situation is, 10 dates or so is time enough that trust should be building not diminishing. And he is failing in this regard because there is a shady feeling about him. I do have to say that is an awful lot of "stories" and excuses and he must not be half bad at them because he has you contemplating the facts/reasons behind each excuse. I would focus on how he is making you feel in totality, not just when you are together, nor the "stories". I think you will have your answer. Also and especially if he has "messed up in some way"...overslept, need to reschedule etc,....let him do the work of fixing that...ie let him come up with the new suggestion of when to meet and how to fit into your already busy schedule. That you can do with other guys in the future too. People (both girls and guys) who mess up or have a circumstance that affected your mutual plans, if they care about you and are sorry, will be the one to "fix' it if they are mature and relationship-worthy.

Edited August 15, 2013 by Versacehottie
left out word

[ChatroomHero]

I would say there is something obviously wrong, hopefully you don't look back with rose colored glasses and get back with him. If you do just think how you would like being in the same situation over and over. After 11 dates of that stuff happening you know it will continue to happen.

 

This guy seems like people I know that are habitual liars. They make up really terrible lies, even when there is no need to lie, and when you challenge them on it they bend over backwards to prove to you they are soooooo sorry and were not lying. It's almost like you believe them simply because you cannot believe somebody would be so lame or lie about such stupid little things. That and if you catch them in a lie you can have pictures, video and witnesses that prove they are lying they still have a knack for denying it and making you doubt yourself.

 

When their 'reasoning' starts to add up to a whole lot of things that make you wonder, I think you usually have your answer.

[2sunny]

When a guy that wanted to date me did the same things you describe - after the second time I texted him this:

 

"It seems you are married - are you?"

 

He never responded - so I texted a few days later "your silence tells me you are".

 

How old was your guy?

[phineas]

He's married or has a live-in girlfriend.

 

yep.

Sounds exactly how some of the women I dated who were living with a guy acted.

[PutARingOnIt]

Married, girlfriend, or you're his "just in case" option. Tell him to **** off.

[inamity]

When a guy that wanted to date me did the same things you describe - after the second time I texted him this:

 

"It seems you are married - are you?"

 

He never responded - so I texted a few days later "your silence tells me you are".

 

How old was your guy?

 

32.

 

I know he used to be married. He's been divorced for 2 years. He claimed it was her that left him... for another guy and that she and that guy are still together. If I had to make an educated guess, he has an ex-girlfriend he's still sleeping with (maybe not living with) and is still attached to that he has a lot of mutual friends with and was afraid of bringing a new girl around because of her. Which would make me #2, so I'm not cool with that.

 

When he said "I fell asleep," he asked me if I was an "unhappy camper" and I pretty much flat out told him, "Um yes? I don't like having my time disrespected. Especially when you promised less than 24 hours ago that you wouldn't do this again." All he had to say was, "You're right. I ****ed up."

 

Lame.

[ChatroomHero]

32.

When he said "I fell asleep," he asked me if I was an "unhappy camper" and I pretty much flat out told him, "Um yes? I don't like having my time disrespected. Especially when you promised less than 24 hours ago that you wouldn't do this again." All he had to say was, "You're right. I ****ed up."

 

Lame.

 

Very lame. I would just drop all contact if I were you. If you do continue to see him for some reason, the only thing I would say is the next time he flakes, and he will flake again, don't text him and don't bring it up and see if he proactively apologizes or even mentions flaking on you. I bet he wouldn't.

[BradJacobs]

Which would make me #2, so I'm not cool with that.

You've always been #2.

 

Never make someone a priority that treats you like an option.

 

Lesson learned. Time to move on.

[JourneyLady]

Sorry I think I misrepresented the situation. There has been intimacy. Just not pushed by him at all. It would probably really shake me up. I haven't slept with that many men... like he's the first person I have ever slept with outside of the context of a very longterm serious relationship. I only gave it up because I felt such a strong bond to him from the start (and he's aware of that)

 

Just because you initiated the intimacy does not necessarily mean he didn't push it. My ex-bf was very subtly seductive in his nature. Taking my hand and drawing lines on it with his finger in a very soft soft way put chills up my spine and created a desire for sex, along with his compassionate way of talking. (The compassion disappeared once he had me hooked.)

 

Additionally, every time we broke up, I'd try to "date" him after when we were going to try again and each and every time he made a point of telling me how difficult it was for him wanting me physically and how "hard" he was getting underneath his clothes. He made it sound as if it was only me, but now I know that it was just about any woman he came in contact with -- as long as it felt new and "strange" to him. Once into a routine with a woman, he loses much of that initial desire.

 

So in your case, maybe -- but just because a guy isn't pressuring you does not mean there isn't pressure. If you want intimacy, they will demonstrate it in order to make you think they are into you.

[2sunny]

If there's one car between him and his GF/wife and she works night and leaves the house around 8-830 with the car - it would explain why he only wants to get together late (too late for start times) in the evening - and always seems to need to rely in his bike instead of the car he said he owns.

 

Did you check the public records online in your county to see if he is actually divorced like he said he was?

 

If not for this unreliable guy - but for future reference - check to see if what they "say" is actually true! Many married men say they are divorced - but while checking - they aren't - many are still very married.

 

 

And now that he knows you aren't a "happy camper" he may chase harder... But that doesn't mean he's changed and become instantly reliable with his word.

[inamity]

If there's one car between him and his GF/wife and she works night and leaves the house around 8-830 with the car - it would explain why he only wants to get together late (too late for start times) in the evening - and always seems to need to rely in his bike instead of the car he said he owns.

 

Did you check the public records online in your county to see if he is actually divorced like he said he was?

 

If not for this unreliable guy - but for future reference - check to see if what they "say" is actually true! Many married men say they are divorced - but while checking - they aren't - many are still very married.

 

 

And now that he knows you aren't a "happy camper" he may chase harder... But that doesn't mean he's changed and become instantly reliable with his word.

 

Out of burning curiosity, I checked it out. He's divorced. And not married. We didn't always get together late... when we first started going out, we'd meet at a restaurant usually around 6PM, maybe 7 sometimes. The getting around on bike thing isn't weird to me at all. He has a second job working at a bike shop and he's huge in the cycling community here--it's like his favorite thing, so I don't really lump that together with the other suspicious stuff. When you get around on a bike all the time, driving feels really weird.

 

When he gave me the excuse of "I fell asleep" the other night and I told him he was being inconsiderate of my time, he said, "I don't want you to feel that way" and so to press the issue further, I said, "Then get over here" with no intention of having any kind of nice or intimate evening... just to see if he would follow through and get the chance to speak my mind in person.

 

He was really awkward about it... just said, "Okay." and pushed his way over on his bike. When he was at my house, after being really awkward for a few minutes, he suddenly was like, "I'm really, really, really sorry. That wasn't okay of me to do." And I was just like, "You're right. It wasn't okay for you to do. It was extremely lame and something only an ******* would do. It comes off looking really weird, shady, and suspicious when you're this flaky and unreliable." And all he said to that was, "You're right." He hung around for a bit longer but he went home and that was that.

 

He's texted me a few times since then, wanting to know what I've been up to and suddenly offering way more information about what he's doing when he's not hanging out with me, but... I haven't really bit on any of it and have just really cooled off majorly from it... because I just have no idea what the real story is.

Edited August 16, 2013 by inamity

[2sunny]

It's time you are invited to his place.

 

Has he told you where he lives? The next date needs to be at his house. He can make it up to you by cooking you dinner at his house.

[inamity]

It's time you are invited to his place.

 

Has he told you where he lives? The next date needs to be at his house. He can make it up to you by cooking you dinner at his house.

 

I very purposefully have not reached out to him since that night for that very reason. I'm just waiting to see when he invites me. I'm not letting myself get any more emotionally invested in it.

 

I came across his Facebook profile the other day... I hadn't done that before because I didn't want to be a weirdo creep, but it looks like the days he's not hanging out with me, it's because he's participating in organized bike rides... I guess some of the biggest days for that are weekends. But I know that doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean there isn't someone else.

 

And he hasn't told me exactly where he lives (since I haven't been there) but I know roughly where he lives... the neighborhood anyway.

[2sunny]

A man who wants to date you and is interested - will pick you up and take you out. That's after making firm plans that may require effort and planning on his part - then asking you days ahead of his planned date.

 

He's looking for his booty call the past few times - and doesn't even bother with effort.

 

I'm not diggin' his interest level or effort.

Edited August 18, 2013 by 2sunny

[tbf]

I just feel so insignificant.

All the reasons and possibilities are irrelevant static. This is all that matters.

 

Don't bother being a detective. Just walk. He's not for you whether you're the other woman or not. Decent men with high interest levels don't make you feel insignificant. You know you're a priority.

[Axee]

He sounds inexperienced and focussed on cycling...Kind of feel he is clueless..

 

Why would anyone cook up excuses like "I was sleeping" unless it was true..

And he came over too..

 

Just try to talk to him honestly before you get all suspicious..

[inamity]

A man who wants to date you and is interested - will pick you up and take you out. That's after making firm plans that may require effort and planning on his part - then asking you days ahead of his planned date.

 

He's looking for his booty call the past few times - and doesn't even bother with effort.

 

I'm not diggin' his interest level or effort.

 

I understand the sentiment of "pick you up and take you out" but it's not really the culture where I live--especially amongst people whose sole transportation is bicycles (it's my sole mode of transportation too) so even with other guys I've dated who were very interested in me, it was always the norm to meet somewhere unless there was some special circumstance that demanded otherwise.

 

He used to ask me out days in advance. And those were things he planned. Like a restaurant or a bar. This was before I initiated any intimacy whatsoever between us and the most contact we had was awkward hugs at the end of the night. The past times where he's come over, it was me asking him to do so... I know all about the concept of booty calls but he didn't strike me as the kind of guy who'd go there--even saying things to me like, "I really like sex with you but you know I like you on a much larger scale and think you are smart, funny, and interesting, right?" In some way, it felt more like me initiating a booty call... I don't know if I really mind this too much. I have a very high sex drive so when people say things like, "Well if you give him sex and he doesn't have to work for it, then you get what you deserve," it always makes it sound like women can't be in the same position and like I have a problem with it--when really my problem is more about him just flaking out all together... whether that's for a "proper" date or not.

 

But I haven't tried to make plans with him since that night. He texted me last night asking, "Are you still upset with me?" I asked him why he was asking that and he said, "You haven't said much to me in the past few days."

 

He texts me and talks to me... but he hasn't made any attempt to make plans with me.

Edited August 18, 2013 by inamity

[inamity]

All the reasons and possibilities are irrelevant static. This is all that matters.

 

Don't bother being a detective. Just walk. He's not for you whether you're the other woman or not. Decent men with high interest levels don't make you feel insignificant. You know you're a priority.

 

I agree with this, but I feel like maybe I'm weird or something because when guys are really into me, I get really bored with them easily, much in the same fashion that guys will burn out on women easily if they come off as "desperate." I mean, I'm still just writing this whole thing off as a loss for now all the same... not fighting for it or sleuthing any further... but, I feel like I have no understanding of what the balance is that makes it work.

[ascendotum]

I came across his Facebook profile the other day... I hadn't done that before because I didn't want to be a weirdo creep, but it looks like the days he's not hanging out with me, it's because he's participating in organized bike rides... I guess some of the biggest days for that are weekends. But I know that doesn't mean anything, doesn't mean there isn't someone else.

 

And he hasn't told me exactly where he lives (since I haven't been there) but I know roughly where he lives... the neighborhood anyway.

 

From what I have read so far, I agree with pretty much all the advice you have been given. He is not doing a good job at all of making a good impression. Just to give him the benefit of the doubt on the over sleeping issue..this guy has 2 jobs + is a competitive bike racer/rider. That is going to take a lot out of some people. I don't know how long these bike rides go for, but I still would have thought he would be available for Saturday night and or at least go out early with you on Friday night. He does sound really sketchy though. If you are going to give him the benefit of the doubt I would not go on until he has you over to his place for dinner on a Fr/sat night. Still though given how he has been in the last month when he should be out to impress you, I cant see things changing too much in the future.

Address - can you look it up based on his name/suburb.

[2sunny]

I'd respond to his text with very few words expressing your feelings.

 

"I'm not responding to you because you don't make me your priority - you haven't asked me out on a date."

[tbf]

I agree with this, but I feel like maybe I'm weird or something because when guys are really into me, I get really bored with them easily, much in the same fashion that guys will burn out on women easily if they come off as "desperate." I mean, I'm still just writing this whole thing off as a loss for now all the same... not fighting for it or sleuthing any further... but, I feel like I have no understanding of what the balance is that makes it work.

There's no balance in this situation. This guy isn't all that into you or he's stretched too far. This is when you shut things down since insecurity will make you try to prove yourself. In trying to prove yourself loveable, you've taken the submissive role which equates to an uphill battle, based on any transactional analysis psychological theory.

 

Understand yourself and when you find yourself in situations of this nature, learn to walk away.

[inamity]

From what I have read so far, I agree with pretty much all the advice you have been given. He is not doing a good job at all of making a good impression. Just to give him the benefit of the doubt on the over sleeping issue..this guy has 2 jobs + is a competitive bike racer/rider. That is going to take a lot out of some people. I don't know how long these bike rides go for, but I still would have thought he would be available for Saturday night and or at least go out early with you on Friday night. He does sound really sketchy though. If you are going to give him the benefit of the doubt I would not go on until he has you over to his place for dinner on a Fr/sat night. Still though given how he has been in the last month when he should be out to impress you, I cant see things changing too much in the future.

Address - can you look it up based on his name/suburb.

 

I get that doing all that = busy all the time. On top of all of that, he's in grad school as well right now.

 

There was one weekend where we almost went out. We made plans and then a huge storm came through that ended up lasting all night and so neither of us could get to where we needed to be, so we rescheduled for the next night (Saturday) and he then got sick (and spent the whole evening instead talking to me on the phone from bed).

 

I'm not sure if knowing his address is really relevant at this point. When I looked at his Facebook profile the other day, I saw photos of him with his roommate... who is in fact a guy just as he said. Saw some photos of him with another girl but they were many months old (like the most recent being from last December). I didn't dig too much deeper than that because it felt creepy, but nothing alarming stood out to me about the whole thing.

[PlumPrincess]

One of my best friends was with a guy where every time she went over to his place, he changed all the pictures that were out on shelves and up on the wall to those he'd taken with her. When his other girlfriend came over, he switched the pictures. He took them on the same vacations, gave them the same presents. That went on for almost 5 years before she found out... by finding the pictures frames in the closet.

:eek::eek::eek::eek:

 

And for five years???? This is insane!?!?! :eek::eek::eek:

[ascendotum]

2 jobs + grad school + competitive riding on Sat/Sun + have a full time gf..yeah this guy is going to be wearing himself a bit thin. I think he should be cut some slack on his schedule. At the same time, many women would rather a bf who makes them a priority in his life and devotes time & attention to them. What's going to change going forward really. Now that he knows you are not happy with the flaking & have made your concerns & expectations known he might get his act together, but I think you are definitely doing the right thing here -"I'm not letting myself get any more emotionally invested in it."

[2sunny]

You act like he doesn't have a car - but he does.

 

You SHOULD expect a date to make the effort to pick you up.