Author inamity Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 You act like he doesn't have a car - but he does. You SHOULD expect a date to make the effort to pick you up. All the other advice here has been great, but I just don't understand this thinking... he has a car but he doesn't use it unless there's some sort of emergency. I know plenty of people with cars who don't really bother--great to have if you need to get out of town but if you live in any major city (which I do), they're nothing more than a pain--I never would set the expectation for someone to come pick me up in their car. Never have, regardless of the guy, how serious we are, or anything like that. That's just the culture where I live. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 2 jobs + grad school + competitive riding on Sat/Sun + have a full time gf..yeah this guy is going to be wearing himself a bit thin. I think he should be cut some slack on his schedule. At the same time, many women would rather a bf who makes them a priority in his life and devotes time & attention to them. What's going to change going forward really. Now that he knows you are not happy with the flaking & have made your concerns & expectations known he might get his act together, but I think you are definitely doing the right thing here -"I'm not letting myself get any more emotionally invested in it." I kind of feel like knowing I'm unhappy changes the mood of everything--and that bothers me this early on. This is the very beginning of everything... it was flirtatious and fun up until all of this... which is a shame because I don't have really over the top demands for his time. I was generally pretty happy about the frequency in which we got together and how we were spending our time together (I'm a very independent person), but it was the poor communication on his part that has soured me... even if it's all been a giant misunderstanding and there is no other girl or anything legitimately shady going on, he's done a terrible job at communicating with me. I used to get excited, now it just feels like drama, regardless of who is to blame. Too much, too weird for something that has only been going on for a bit over a month. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 :eek::eek::eek::eek: And for five years???? This is insane!?!?! :eek::eek::eek: What's insane is she decided to have a baby with him, in the hopes it would help her keep him. Link to post Share on other sites
ascendotum Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 What's insane is she decided to have a baby with him, in the hopes it would help her keep him. She did or was just thinking about it? Geesh, having a baby to keep a guy is just not good. That's such a terrible motivation for having a child, but yeah it happens. I have heard of a couple of stories of guys living a double life, but this guy is a champion to keep it going for 5 yrs. I am guessing the OW was not his wife but another woman just like your friend. Crazy. He's better off having a mistress who knows her role than try to juggle a double life. I am guessing she never went out and socialized with his friends & family. Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 I've been seeing a guy casually for a few weeks now. My friends haven't met him, but they seem to think he's shady. We've gone on about 10 or 11 dates. I have never been to his place. He's never invited me. He's flaked on me more than a couple of times. I just told him I was very disappointed. I felt like he wasn't being respectful of my time. I never see him on the weekend he takes forever to respond to texts. I'm almost convinced I'm playing the role of the "other woman" and that this guy has a girlfriend. All I have is the fact that he has flaked on me numerous times. When we're together, I like him a lot. But I don't like everything in between. Maybe it's just me...but I think your response to his.."are you still angry" should be... I was at first. I realized you seem really busy, and that I am the one always pushing for us to get together so when you flaked I took it personally. So I have decided to back off, and if you find yourself available you can give me a ring and maybe we can get together then. No sense in getting all stressed out. He may be sketchy as your friends IRL think, or he may have a GF, or maybe he's busy. Either way, you gotta back off. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 Maybe it's just me...but I think your response to his.."are you still angry" should be... I was at first. I realized you seem really busy, and that I am the one always pushing for us to get together so when you flaked I took it personally. So I have decided to back off, and if you find yourself available you can give me a ring and maybe we can get together then. No sense in getting all stressed out. He may be sketchy as your friends IRL think, or he may have a GF, or maybe he's busy. Either way, you gotta back off. That... sounds like the best way to handle it, exactly. I think I will tell him just that. Thanks! 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ChristinaB Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 He sounds awfully married. Unless you're ok with being the other woman, I'd move on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 He sounds awfully married. Unless you're ok with being the other woman, I'd move on. He's not. I checked public records. Link to post Share on other sites
Star Gazer Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 He's not. I checked public records. You sure? Those aren't so easily accessible online, and you must check with the county recorder's office where the marriage was performed. Did you check every county in the country? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 19, 2013 Author Share Posted August 19, 2013 You sure? Those aren't so easily accessible online, and you must check with the county recorder's office where the marriage was performed. Did you check every county in the country? I checked the county we live in--which is fairly large... and he's lived here his entire life. I only looked because I checked divorce records first... 2 years ago (here, same county) and it became finalized a year and a half ago. Unless he met someone in the past year and a half and fast-tracked a marriage and planned it in another county... I don't know why that would happen... it's really unlikely. Not to mention the FB profile confirmed the guy roommate... and it looks like it's just the two of them. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 My friend has two jobs - one full time and one part time. He cycles a ton too. He manages a lot of time for his daughter - he manages to make time for his girlfriend. He does make time for both gals in his busy life because they are his priority. Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 19, 2013 Share Posted August 19, 2013 Glad you know the marriage/divorce status for your own peace of mind. Sounds like he is being pulled in many different directions....AND seeing what he can get away with with you. People (guys and girls) do that. Though I think it comes more naturally to more guys. He's testing you, subconsciously or consciously. Reasons for doing so: a)it's in his nature b)it's how he believes a relationship is worthwhile by your reaction of demanding better from him c)he doesn't have enough time truly for a relationship and wants to set his parameters of something more casual so he f*cks up to lower expectations d)he doesn't want/ie not ready for a relationship and f*cks up to lower expectations. That's what I think. Though I'm curious to see how things progress. He's sounds like he's trying to make it better...so he's a B...maybe with a little of the other choices thrown in there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 20, 2013 Author Share Posted August 20, 2013 Glad you know the marriage/divorce status for your own peace of mind. Sounds like he is being pulled in many different directions....AND seeing what he can get away with with you. People (guys and girls) do that. Though I think it comes more naturally to more guys. He's testing you, subconsciously or consciously. Reasons for doing so: a)it's in his nature b)it's how he believes a relationship is worthwhile by your reaction of demanding better from him c)he doesn't have enough time truly for a relationship and wants to set his parameters of something more casual so he f*cks up to lower expectations d)he doesn't want/ie not ready for a relationship and f*cks up to lower expectations. That's what I think. Though I'm curious to see how things progress. He's sounds like he's trying to make it better...so he's a B...maybe with a little of the other choices thrown in there. It's hard to tell at this point. He texted me this afternoon asking, "Can I see you soon please?" I said, "I don't know, can you?" And he said, "Sorry, the past few days have been rough for me" Asked what he meant by that and he said he had been in a bike accident and that the doctor said it was a partially dislocated shoulder. When I asked, "So, when were you thinking?" He said "Tuesday" (tomorrow!) and I was like, "Sorry, I already have plans. I need better notice than that," and he was like, "Well hell, what about Wednesday?" and I was like, "What about the weekend?" he said, "That's so far away" and I just said, "Yeah but I think it'll be more fun for the both of us." And he said OK to that. Now to see if he actually follows through. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 20, 2013 Share Posted August 20, 2013 ohhhh, i LIKE it! Now that you have gotten over the rough patch a bit. I would DO the same thing but definitely be nice about it...ie if you make him wait because you have plans or it's not enough notice, do it in sweet way. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 24, 2013 Author Share Posted August 24, 2013 (edited) Well he bailed on me yet again--so... I'm done. For good. I told him straight up, "You're insanely difficult to make plans with and that by itself just isn't what I want, so let's just stop seeing each other." He didn't really have any response to that other than "I'm sorry," which is really just not good enough for me. There was a weird moment the other night where he showed up at my place unexpectedly... really late at night... like almost 1AM. I thought it was going to be a "booty call" situation but when I invited him in, he just sat on my couch and held me for like 2 hours and seemed absolutely depressed as hell?? It was really weird. He didn't kiss me or try anything with me... he just came over unannounced to hold me and talk to me. I didn't know what to think. Thanks for all the feedback everyone gave me leading up to this. Whatever it is that is going on with him doesn't really matter--how he's treating me is pathetic and the fact that I've put up with it is dumb. Edited August 24, 2013 by inamity Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 I'm glad you realize you deserve more than the little he offered. Go have fun! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Versacehottie Posted August 24, 2013 Share Posted August 24, 2013 Sorry he bailed. I like the way you handled it and the wording you used. You never know what will happen in the future. Good move. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 He tried to come back to me earlier like (I don't want to copy/paste the entire conversation but I'll paraphrase): Him: "I didn't realize you had felt how you did. I've had a lot of stuff going on lately and I've been feeling pretty lousy, but I'm coming out of both and hoped we could hang out a lot more. But if you're tired of me, I'll leave you alone." [i thought this was so passive aggressive!] Me: "I'm not tired of YOU, I'm tired of being flaked on and deprioritized and getting lame excuses." Him: "Well I would be too. I hate that, so I feel really bad doing it." Me: "You know when someone recognizes that what they're doing sucks and they keep doing it ANYWAY, that's the worst of it all. Because all that says is 'I don't give a ****.'" Him: "That's now how I feel but I understand what you're saying. All I can do is offer to make it up to you. But I can appreciate if you're not interested in that." I didn't respond. I have no idea how to respond to that or if I even should. Link to post Share on other sites
It-is-what-it-is. Posted August 25, 2013 Share Posted August 25, 2013 Words vs Actions All talk no action Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 25, 2013 Author Share Posted August 25, 2013 Words vs Actions All talk no action Pretty much. He's not contacted me since. Anyone who really wanted to make it up to me... would just do that. They'd make plans. They'd schedule something. They'd actually sincerely apologize. As one of my friends commented, "His apology is like the kind of apology you would expect if he ate the last of your ice cream or something." I removed him from my phone contacts. If he contacts me again, I'm just ignoring it. I don't even care if I run into him somewhere, because he's the one that made the ass of himself, not me. Link to post Share on other sites
Author inamity Posted August 30, 2013 Author Share Posted August 30, 2013 Heh. I eat my own words, but I figured I'd post this follow-up because it's so laughably dumb. He contacted me again, acting like nothing was wrong, asked when we were going to "hang out again." I was shocked and asked, "You want to hang out with me?" He said, "Um yes of course?" When I asked when, he said, "I'd say tonight but I'm falling asleep, so how about Sunday night?" I said, "It's funny how you never seem to be available on weekends! Last I checked, there's a Friday AND Saturday between tonight and Sunday!" He said, "Well Friday night is usually when I go out to happy hour with my classmates... Saturdays I usually have to catch up on work." I replied, "You know, most people do that on Sundays." He said, "Well I do that most of Sunday too." I was about to call bull**** on that and point out the logical flaw that if he is free Sunday night, there is nothing stopping him from moving whatever "work" he has to do on Saturday night to Sunday night, but didn't bother because it was just so unbelievable to me that he would think I'd be dumb enough to really believe that he spends every single weekend doing "work" from sun up to sundown. So I just threw it out there and told him exactly what was on my mind: "In the interest of being purely honest, I'm going to level with you: I haven't suggested hanging out with you again, not just because of your relentless excuses, but because you're giving me very shady vibes. I could be totally wrong, but my gut tells me I'm not. There's something incredibly off about the fact that you only ever come over to my place, you're never available on weekends, and you've bailed on me relentlessly with a lot of really, really horrible excuses. Better to put this out there than skirt around it." I haven't heard from him since I said this. I feel a lot better having put it out there because I was honest. At this point, I've moved on already, so I don't feel like I've lost anything in calling him out on it. I guess part of me has this young, naive hope that if you call someone out on something tactfully enough, they'll learn from it and not make the same mistake with others in the future. Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted August 30, 2013 Share Posted August 30, 2013 That's good you were honest!!! I think his offer of "hanging out" isn't an offer to take you out on a date. I think you did well! Link to post Share on other sites
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