The problems with dating an alcoholic

[Lady2163]

I've kind of been avoiding this forum. In my life, I've been in 5 abusive relationships. They were all verbal/emotional, not physical...although one was definitely sexually abusive, since I was 16 and he was a 35 year old married man.

 

But I wanted to talk about the alcoholic. I dated him for 14 months...over 13 years ago.

 

He was a bar alcoholic. He made about $3000 in disability pay and spent 12 hours a day at the local social/service club. He'd go home about 200 AM, get up around 1000 AM, be a zombie until 100 PM. Then he'd take a shower, go to the club until 200 AM. He ate a sandwich for lunch and usually eggs and toast at 200 AM, when he got home. He drank beer. He also drank 3 pots of coffee for breakfast. I was always convinced he was peeing out any usefulness of whatever medication he was taking. 3 pots of coffee, 10-12 beers a day, next to no food.

 

What a real charmer I picked.

 

I truly believe he was a sociopath. I know that term can get thrown around a lot. I think he was so much smarter in his ability to manipulate than anyone would have ever guessed.

 

I heard reason after reason why he had to drink. He'd lost a wife and two children in a tragic accident. That meant he just had to get drunk on both children's birthdays, wife's birthday, anniversary and of course the death versary.

 

We would supposed to be going out to supper, but invariably when I would go to pick him up, someone at the social club would have a problem and he "just couldn't leave them alone....but don't say anything to them, they don't want anyone to know."

 

I would beg him to leave the club by 930 PM. All the fast food restaurants closed by 1000 PM. I had to be up at 600 AM. It took him 45 minutes to drink a bottle of beer. I got so tired of him saying, "just one more.". I would secretly chug his beer whenever he went to the bathroom.

 

He supposedly had horrible back pain and no medication woud help. Alcohol took the pain away, it was the okay thing that worked. Yet, he could still do some pretty nimble things in the bedroom.

 

He said he never got hangovers. The one time I told him that most people didn't need three pots of coffee before they had enough energy to take a shower produced a massive fight.

 

And the fights. While drunk he would invent things that I had supposedly said or done. It got to the point if it wasn't all that important, I'd just agree with him. Then weeks later he'd bring it up again and I'd forget I'd agreed to it and the fight would be on.

 

My low point was when he needed to borrow my car one time to take his supposed ex girlfriend to her sons court date an hour away. He didn't have time the next morning to take me to work. It was winter. I rode my motor scooter to work. Then it started to sleet and snow. I was sitting at a stop light when the scooter died. It's cold, it's wet, I'm crying, my scooter won't start. I push the scooter to the social club and he won't give me a ride home. I sit there drenched for two hours, before I finally told him to give me my keys to my car. He refused. I had the spare key and said I was leaving. He got mad at me and accused me of abandoning him. I was raw from being wet and actually shivering.

 

How did I get to that point?

 

I carry some scars from this. I am über sensitive to alcohol consumption. For years I would experience anxiety after being in a bar for very long. I still am not fond of bars.

 

I have a low tolerance for men being late when arriving for dates or when they are supposed to call. If alcoholic would say he'd call at 300, when I'd finally throw in the towel and call him around 500, he was always, " just about to call me...walking to the phone, I must have ESP". I bought that ***** for a long time.

 

When I meet a man who stresses moral qualities to the nth degree, I become very doubtful of their character. Alcoholic stressed loyalty...no matter what he did I was supposed to be 100% loyal. Meanwhile, he's telling everyone that he is loaning me money and essentially supporting me. He is telling massive lies about me. He stressed honesty. It turned out there were no wife and children killed in an accident. It turned out he wasn't even eligible for the social club. He was thrown out of the organization and banned from the property for life.

 

He stressed fidelity and monogamy. I was never worried about the women at the social club. But when he tried to sneak a new woman in and claim that he had known her for years, I knew he was full of it. He was sleeping with her and his exgirlffriend wasn't an ex for most of the time he and I were together.

 

He insisted on keeping our relationship private. He said he didn't like people I our business. Well, it was because he was also seeing what I thought was his ex girlfriend. She even tried to set us up once.

 

There's more stories, but I wanted to open this up to others to tell their horror stories and how they got through it.

 

I did get through it. I moved 1200 miles away, back then, there wasn't email and cell phones to take care of as well. Once I moved, I essentially disappeared.

[revitup]

You said......He said he never got hangovers

 

He stayed DRUNK!

 

REVITUP

[Lady2163]

I always felt like he was experiencing a hangover, since he was so useless in the mornings.

 

He'd drink for 12 hours, then sleep or do whatever for 12 hours. He was pretty skinny, but I'm still thinking he could easily process it out if his system. Particularly with tolerance and all.

[carhill]

Nights and days reversed

 

Jeckyl and Hyde

 

Forgets

 

Generally unstable

 

Quite eye opening experiences as a young person coming from a family that didn't drink at all. Closest I ever came was communion wine. That all changed after getting married

[Lady2163]

I spent almost 9 yrs with an alcoholic. My ex alcoholic bf didn't cheat on me and he was not abusive. For the most part he was just very unreliable and irresponsible. Never knew what he was going to do next and I couldn't ever count on him to be physically or emotionally present for me. It was a very lonely relationship for me. I didn't feel abused but then again I dealt with him differently then you dealt with your ex. For example that story about when you sat at the club for two hours waiting for him to give you a ride home when you had a spare car key the whole time. I wouldn't have waited 5 minutes for my ex. The second he said no I would have been 'okay bye! I'm taking the car so I hope you find a way home'.

 

The one thing that stuck out in your post about the alcoholic is how classically codependent your behavior was in that relationship. Not saying that as a put down, as I was codependent too. I used to spend way too much time trying to control my exes drinking and trying to change him. The thing is that just getting rid of the alcoholic doesn't rid you of the codependence. If you never worked on the issues that led you to be in that kind of relationship in the first place then you are likely to be unhealthy relationships in the future. Since you say you have been in 5 abusive relationships and the alcoholic was 13 years ago it sounds like you have indeed continued to make bad relationship choices.

 

I guess it's good that you have raised your standards somewhat in that you don't put up with drinking or people being late but I'm not sure if that's the same as dealing with your own issues. I would suggest that you refrain from any romantic relationships for a few years while you heal yourself

 

From 1985 to 2003 I had 4-5 abusive/neglectful relationships.

 

I need to do a google search and refresh my memory on co-dependency.

 

Robin Williams has a great line..."I was violating my standards faster than I could lower them."

 

In the 7 months my exhusband and I had been separated and the four months alcoholic and I definitely didnt appear to be a couple, I hadn't been asked out or had any possible interest from men. At that point, I believed I couldn't do any better.

 

I put up with crap then there is no way I would tolerate today. It took a long time for me to actually believe I was better off alone. It took a long time for me to not "settle".

 

Today, there is no way I would date a man without a car. There's no way I would date a man who is "best friends" with his exgirlffriend, still sings her praises, constantly compares me to her, insists on socializing with her and puts her needs above my well-being.

 

I believe he was a sadist. He constantly (by his actions) deprived me of sleep and food. He was always trying to get me to drink on school or work nights. I believe he was trying to break me, cause me to lose, my job, my internship, my college scholarship.

 

I know that sounds a bit paranoid, but trust me, there were enough times this happened. Two examples:

 

We had plans for supper at 600 PM. I got to the social club around. 530. Told him I was starving, a bowl of cereal at 700 AM was a long time ago. A few minutes later, when his beer was done, we agreed to leave. I went to the restroom, came out and he had another beer in front of him. "just one more". I already mentioned it took him 45 minutes to drink a beer. Near the end of that beer, I realized in a 24 hour period all I'd had was two peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and a bowl of cereal. Again he agreed to leave, but then five minutes later, just one more.

 

I ended up making us eggs and toast at 200 AM.

 

A person thinking normally would leave. Damn it, he promised to take me to a nice restaurant. It would have caused a massive fight if I left him to go eat - I definitely wouldn't have wanted to go back to the bar after supper.

 

This scenario happened several times in different ways, but there were many times I went 16-20 hours without food - and he knew it. He would casually ask what I had for lunch (the college I went to had a culinary program) but 3-4 times a week lunch was a meal I skipped...particularly when we were going to a kick ass place for supper.

 

I was a slow learner.

 

It took my exH and I several months after the divorce was final to sell our house. That last week before closing day was insane. I had moved an hour away, was renting a room and taking four classes at a regular college rather than at one geared toward working adults or adults with families. I had class, I had research to do at the library. I had to meet with groups for different projects.

 

The people buying the house took us through the milk that last week. The realtor was also their aunt. Everyday, she'd go through the house and pop off with something new. They wanted the holes filled and the room freshly painted. They wanted the carpets shampooed. The wanted the drain snaked. It was always just one more thing. (we were out of cash, the credit card was maxed until closing, I finally told my realtor, that shampooing was the last thing I'd do, anything else and the sale was off). That last night I busted my butt.

 

Around 800 PM, I stopped by the social club. Alcoholic was drinking with a couple of friends, one even kindly told me that I looked awful (dark circles, exhaustion, etc.) in front of the alcoholic. I told him I was going to bed at 1000 PM. I had to be up early to deflate the air mattress, shampoo the last area of the house and be at closing by 900 AM. I said that I was beat, I looked like I was beat. Both he and the two friends said they had a ride home. Alkie promised not to call after 1000.

 

Around 1100 PM, I checked in again. Nope, didn't need a ride. Said my good nights, commented that I had to be up at 500 AM.

 

At 230 the phone rang. The ride had fallen through. Could I come get them? I blew up on the phone. He went back to the others and said, "she's not awake yet, she'll call me back when she wakes up". 30 minutes later, the same guy who had told me I looked rough said, "she's not coming to get your ass". The next day he told me that he had told the alkie, "don't call her, can't you see she needs sleep and is at the end of her rope?"

 

I always felt that any information I gave him...I'm hungry, I'm tired, I'm stressed was just fuel for him to make me more tired, more hungry, more stressed.