advice please

[matt305]

This girl and i were together for three+ years and we went through alot together. some of my friends died as did her grandmother. we saw each other everyday we go to the same college and she had me sign up for some of the same classes.

 

well a few months ago she calls me crying her eyes out saying i changed and all this stuff. how great i was for three years. then she says she is confused and she wants to be alone. i say ok we'll go our own seperate ways and she tells me i'm her best friend.

 

so i thought about the things she said, and she was right, i did change i was suffering from post traumatic stress disorder for awhile and that turned into depression. i wasn't bad i was never mean to her or anything.

 

then i find out she starts dating someone else a week later. teh few months before she got mad at me for almost nothing, she started working out again, soem people she use to hate are now her best friends, she never liked to drink(i know because i drank all the time and she never wanted to she sat there and drank soda) but she also cooked me dinner, told me she loved me and was still talking about our wedding, and wanted me to pay for her birth control pills, it was my turn.

 

after a few weeks apart i went to the dr and got the diagnosis it wasn't that shocking all things considered. i told her and she said i knew what was wrong for six months and then she thought i wanted to be alone.

 

my questions are did she cheat on me, why wouldn't she say anything to me about how i was acting, she said there was no one else or anything like that, but i find that hard to believe should i confront her about it.

 

before i got sick i was everything she wanted and the only thing that changed was i was sick, and i told her i need to do this therapy and stuff and i was going to ask her out again and she was like that is something that could happen.

 

she comes from a screwed up family and now she is drinking every night and dating this guy that already tried to cheat on her. don't have any answers need some advice.

[lostNconfusedx10]

well....for your own sake, i wouldn't confront her about asking if she cheated on you. You guys are apart right now so what good would it do for you. it wouldnt affect anything but could make matters worse if she said she did, and you would be an emotional mess. if you were to ask her then i would wait until it became a make or break situation on whether or not to get back together.

 

Going to therapy is defietly a great step in getting her back. just let her know you are going and thats it, dont talk about it, complain about it, nothing. Just her knowing you are going shows that you are making giant steps in improving yourself. she knows so you won't have to tell her about it. Actions speak louder than words.

 

as far as her with a guy after a week, i've been there. one of my ex's actually started online dating with someone and had a date planned out for 2 days after she was gonna break up with me. Its called a rebound. some girls just like or need that emotional attatchment and would get it from almost anywhere. thats just the way some girls are it helps them cope with a breakup. Rebounds dont last long and when it runs out she will see that you have started to make a posititve change in your life and that you could actually be better than when you were going out.

 

finish your therapy and wait it out. she'll come around if you guys are meant to be

[smile]

Its funny I seem to notice the three year mark as a danger zone. So commonly one person says "this is too hard" and bails after three years or so.. hmmm

 

Anyway I have to say when I read your post it seemed so familiar. I too was daignosed with post traumatic stress disorder, and it also was the main cause of the end of my relationship. My exbf "found someone" soon after we broke up , but that romance has since ended.

 

I think lostnconfusedx10 is right, you are doing the best thing you can, working on yourself. I know what its like to miss someone you love so much and see them engage in self destructive behavior. The self destructive behavior also happened with my ex. You have to understand that as she couldnt help you fix the pain you were going through .. you cant help her fix this. There are just things in your life you have to GO through. It will make her stronger.

 

You have to accept that she needs to come to the conclusion that she wants to be better and work on your relationship. She has to come to it on her own. Right now she just needs you to be supportive when you can. I know it hurts, and when it hurts too much you need to distance yourself.

 

If she truly loves you she will understand why you cant BE there all the time. Work on you and allow her to work on herself.

 

There will come a time when you can both sort this out. Whether it be as friends or lovers. You have to be patient and trust. Trust her , trust you, trust your feelings.. and if the connection between the two of you is strong enough.. it can never truly go away .

 

I know right now the idea of her cheating on you or being with someone else hurts so bad. But really, that isnt important right now. You have to get enough distance to be able to see the future. The past is what it was.... your future can be better.. as soon as you can stop holding the pain (or potential pain) up as a shield between you two.

 

Just be accepting when she talks. Dont judge her or lecture her. That will push her further away. She will come to see you as the person she can come to honestly and without reservation or fear. That meant something during your relationship.. one day soon she will allow it to mean something again. Just let her be for now.. anyway thats my advice.

 

Take care of you....