Dating/jealousy double standard?

[studio35]

So, I'm trying to make this as short as possible (I promise!) but, I was seeing someone and we decided to take a break (a few months) until I'm divorced because I am just separated now.

 

He was the one with the issue with me being married...(he's an atty and of course has seen some crazy stuff and also had a really crazy ex) I was the one who suggested that we see other people until I'm divorced. Well, I recently found out that he'd already been out with someone (very briefly) even before I suggested that we see other people. He's been very wishy washy about things. (Leaving, coming back, not knowing whether he wants to date, being hot & cold etc) but all the while, we've still been friendly, (occasional sex) and flirty all along.

 

BUT, once he found out that I'D started seeing someone, look out. He's been ignoring me and almost been outright snippy to me. How the hell can he even do that when he did it first?! Just because my 'fling' has lasted longer than his, now he is acting pissy. Is this just sour grapes or what? Thanks if you got this far!

[Echo000]

jealousy has no standards. its an ugly thing. i kiss girl. it means nothing. ex kisses boy. it kills me. its just the way it is. we all deep down want to have our cake and eat it too, but cant stand it when we see others do the same.

 

your story is very very common. sour grapes indeed.

[The Way I Am]

Technically, by being married you "did it first". Did you have an agreement to be exclusive? If not, then you can hardly blame him for not considering your relationship that way when you're still officially committed to another man.

 

Based on his reaction to your dating someone else, he was most likely trying to date other people in order to distance himself because you were still married and that made him unsure of your feelings. He still had feelings for you and hoped you'd come around. By dating someone else, you basically spit in his face and showed that you don't genuinely care about him. So you've pushed him to the point he wants nothing to do with you.

[studio35]

To "the Way I am" I only went out with someone else after we agreed to. I found out that he had done that when we were having a small spat, and had no way said we were seeing other people. We'd been seeing each other for 6 weeks, I'd say that's a decent amount of time (?) but exclusivity hadn't really been discussed. We're both extremely busy but obviously he found the time.

 

He and I have been friends for years; actually since we were both married. And I went to him after I was recently separated for some legal advice when dating him never crossed my mind BUT the very last question I asked him was "Can I date while being separated?" and he told me "NO". Then 2 months later, he asks me out! What was he doing, cornering the market??

 

Also, I don't get the part of "hoped that I'd come around"? I wasn't the one with the problem. I like him and wanted to be with him. I want to see him again after I am divorced if he's not acting like an ass.

Edited August 15, 2013 by studio35

[The Way I Am]

I wasn't the one with the problem.

 

Being still married seems like a pretty big problem to me. He might have been ok with it initially and changed his mind if you started to seem like you're not that eager to finalize your divorce.

 

Or he could have just lost interest in you.

 

Is he your lawyer? If not, have you gotten a lawyer since asking him for legal advice? Have you been doing all you can to get the divorce finalized as soon as possible or have you been taking your time about it? Do you still have contact with your soon to be ex?

[studio35]

 

Is he your lawyer? If not, have you gotten a lawyer since asking him for legal advice? Have you been doing all you can to get the divorce finalized as soon as possible or have you been taking your time about it? Do you still have contact with your soon to be ex?

 

No, he's not my atty. My divorce is taking longer than it should perhaps (in his eyes) and definitely longer than HIS did. But I own 3 businesses, (also in the process of selling one, and are waiting to remove that as an asset to file.) and have a child. Him being an atty could expedite things faster with his. (they didn't own any businesses or have children and he was in control of the legal matters of course)

 

I've only been separated for 5+ months. My soon to be ex and I get along very well, but we need to because of my son. My ex and he knows there isn't here isn't a chance in hell that we're getting back together.

[drifter777]

So you are mad because he is acting "pissy"? Just dump him and move on. You are just ending one LTR - why start getting tangled up in a drama-filled mess right out of the gate? Don't rush things and enjoy being single for a while.

[The Way I Am]

No, he's not my atty. My divorce is taking longer than it should perhaps (in his eyes) and definitely longer than HIS did. But I own 3 businesses, (also in the process of selling one, and are waiting to remove that as an asset to file.) and have a child. Him being an atty could expedite things faster with his. (they didn't own any businesses or have children and he was in control of the legal matters of course)

 

I've only been separated for 5+ months. My soon to be ex and I get along very well, but we need to because of my son. My ex and he knows there isn't here isn't a chance in hell that we're getting back together.

 

Thanks for providing more detail. Based on that info my best guess is still that he likely started dating others because he wasn't sure of your intentions. Because he considers your divorce to be taking longer than he thinks it should. That made him question your commitment to him. By dating someone else, in his mind, you confirmed his fears. He has feelings for you and thinks you've just been yanking his chain.

 

Unless he's just an incredibly childish, petty person, I don't think his reaction to you dating someone else would have been so harsh if he didn't have feelings for you and didn't feel hurt.

[studio35]

Thank you, 'The way I am', I sort of wondered if it was something like that but wasn't sure. (Obviously I don't know for sure but it makes a lot of sense)