3 month marriage, problems already: Is our future doomed?

[chibisparkle]

Hello, this is my first post to this forum. I really don't know who to talk to about this issue because people would probably look at me like..."you just got married, shouldn't you be in your honeymoon phase?" But, this is not our situation, and I am afraid our relationship may be doomed.

 

I had dated my husband G for at least 3 years prior to becoming engaged. At the same time that we became engaged, though, his father died. I felt sympathy for him and felt that maybe we should hold off on the engagement, but he said that it felt like he was lying to his father if we were not engaged, since that was one of the last things his father experienced.

 

My mother had died 5 years before this, so I was aware of the stages of grief and depression, etc., and I knew that everyone grieves differently. I tried to make the best of his situation by listening to him and being supportive.

 

After we got married, G became really mean and angry, as I perceive. He would typically pick a fight over small things that I would do or not do...he would say becoming "frustrated". I tried to be a nice wife...I work out, try to dress attractively, do small things for him, be generally supportive (I work, too, and my job is more demanding and complicated) But, now I am just losing my heart in it through his lack of reciprocity or his nitpicking.

 

We are never intimate anymore. I tried being subtle about wanting sex, and now I am just asking if we could have it. He always finds a way to avoid having sex with me, I feel. Since becoming married, we have only had sex twice.

 

Because of this rejection and other factors, I fear I am losing my attraction to him. G is becoming a bit overweight by excessive eating and drinking. And often, he smells like alcohol, after having more than 2-3 beers a night. We haven't had our honeymoon yet because G perceives himself as too busy to try to plan.

 

Even though we are married, we do not live together yet because of issues with *where* we will live. G wants me to move into his dad's house, which he inherited, because he doesn't want to leave his father. I tried explaining to him that this house makes me feel uncomfortable---it is a house that was made for another couple and because I would not be really allowed to change anything--- but he doesn't understand this point. The house does not have a proper front door even for the past 5 months. I am not able to fix this by myself.

 

G also scares me now. Sometimes, during fights with him, he would storm off and/or slam doors/hit things/punch things. I knew that he had this kind of temper before, but it has quickly escalated. He got into an altercation about one month ago with a stranger, which he started a fight with and punched. I though getting into a fight like this is very immature. It scared me. I am now afraid he will hit *me* or our future kids one day.

 

I don't know WHAT to do; I feel like I have married a different person. Is there any hope?!

[Misfortune]

Hello, this is my first post to this forum. I really don't know who to talk to about this issue because people would probably look at me like..."you just got married, shouldn't you be in your honeymoon phase?" But, this is not our situation, and I am afraid our relationship may be doomed.

 

I had dated my husband G for at least 3 years prior to becoming engaged. At the same time that we became engaged, though, his father died. I felt sympathy for him and felt that maybe we should hold off on the engagement, but he said that it felt like he was lying to his father if we were not engaged, since that was one of the last things his father experienced.

 

My mother had died 5 years before this, so I was aware of the stages of grief and depression, etc., and I knew that everyone grieves differently. I tried to make the best of his situation by listening to him and being supportive.

 

After we got married, G became really mean and angry, as I perceive. He would typically pick a fight over small things that I would do or not do...he would say becoming "frustrated". I tried to be a nice wife...I work out, try to dress attractively, do small things for him, be generally supportive (I work, too, and my job is more demanding and complicated) But, now I am just losing my heart in it through his lack of reciprocity or his nitpicking.

 

We are never intimate anymore. I tried being subtle about wanting sex, and now I am just asking if we could have it. He always finds a way to avoid having sex with me, I feel. Since becoming married, we have only had sex twice.

 

Because of this rejection and other factors, I fear I am losing my attraction to him. G is becoming a bit overweight by excessive eating and drinking. And often, he smells like alcohol, after having more than 2-3 beers a night. We haven't had our honeymoon yet because G perceives himself as too busy to try to plan.

 

Even though we are married, we do not live together yet because of issues with *where* we will live. G wants me to move into his dad's house, which he inherited, because he doesn't want to leave his father. I tried explaining to him that this house makes me feel uncomfortable---it is a house that was made for another couple and because I would not be really allowed to change anything--- but he doesn't understand this point. The house does not have a proper front door even for the past 5 months. I am not able to fix this by myself.

 

G also scares me now. Sometimes, during fights with him, he would storm off and/or slam doors/hit things/punch things. I knew that he had this kind of temper before, but it has quickly escalated. He got into an altercation about one month ago with a stranger, which he started a fight with and punched. I though getting into a fight like this is very immature. It scared me. I am now afraid he will hit *me* or our future kids one day.

 

I don't know WHAT to do; I feel like I have married a different person. Is there any hope?!

 

Why'd you marry him? Where were these issues within the 3 years you had before marriage?

[vla1120]

It must be difficult to be married and not living together yet. That in itself will take a toll. I would seek some marriage counseling. Hopefully, he is open to that.

 

Having had some experience with abusive boyfriends in my youth, I'll tell you what I tell my three daughters. There are distinct patterns of behavior that do not change, but tend to intensify in severity as the relationship progresses. The more he gets away with, the further he'll go next time. It sounds like you saw some indications of his temper earlier in the relationship.

 

Being afraid of him is completely unacceptable and please do not bring children into that relationship if there is the slightest chance he is abusive. If he is open to the counseling, perhaps anger management techniques will help him. If he is not open to it, don't spend one more day, wondering if/when he'll become physically abusive. It is not worth your safety.

[chibisparkle]

He didn't have these issues before when we were dating...I had seen from him signs of anger, but it wasn't so extreme, and I thought...oh, this is a temper tantrum or something.

And, while we were engaged, it was usually us talking about issues with his father and how he felt sad. There weren't any problems that were very major before.

 

If you had told me before the wedding it was going to be like this, I wouldn't have believed it! If you had also told me that he would have gotten into a fight, I would have told you that you were crazy. So, this behavior change is really shocking to me.

Edited August 15, 2013 by chibisparkle
clarification.

[almond]

It sounds like the death of his father has hit him quite hard, which is of course understandable. The short temper, excessive eating and drinking, loss of interest in sex, weight gain etc. are all hallmark signs of depression.

 

Your marriage is far from over yet - good times and bad and such. Be proactive, and seek out and utilize all resources that can help you both during this time.

 

Encourage him to seek counseling - bereavement counseling for him, and perhaps couples therapy for the both of you might help this situation.

 

I imagine that he will come out of this. We all grieve in different ways, but sometimes our grief lingers and becomes damaging to ourselves and those around us. He needs some help to work through this.

Edited August 15, 2013 by almond

[Oberfeldwebel]

He has to get into individual counseling immediately. If he does not address these issues immediately, there will be no anniversary parties.

[keepontruckin]

My take? People don't change that much in three months, after a three year relationship.

 

Chibi, did you expect your husband to change after exchanging vows? Something tells me that you did, and you are now regretting the marriage since it hasn't brought forth any change.

 

And now you are looking for reasons to exit the marriage, and him, altogether.

 

It won't end well when the dynamics are as such, so you may as well leave now, and file for divorce.

[chibisparkle]

@keepontruckin, totally not the case. It would be understandable if it was, but it is not.

 

I didn't expect him to change after exchanging vows. I actually hoped that things wouldn't change and that they would stay the same in our relationship.

 

This is why I try my best to look the same as I did when he first started dating me.

 

Admittedly, there are some things I didn't like, but I just kind of faced that I would have to accept these things.

 

His behavior now is just so out of the blue. It is like he has a brain tumor or something.

 

Case in point, I had always felt that he loved me throughout our relationship. He was very sincere about me. This Friday, he told me that he doesn't love me at all....well, thank you husband...

[GuyInLimbo]

This is simple: GET OUT. NOW!

[Chuckle]

Chibisparkle....I'm completely new to this forum and haven't yet introduced myself, but my only heartfelt advice would be to get out now. I shredded my wedding dress the day after my wedding after crying myself to sleep on my wedding night, realising I'd made a huge mistake (second marriage - I was married for 15 years before).

I am still married to my husband 5 years on, after giving him chance after chance, putting up with his drinking, throwing things around the house, breaking things, calling me horrible names (he says he does it because he is angry and wants to hurt me - and okay, it doesn't hurt me anymore as I've heard it all before), but I don't expect to hear it from him. The truth is I don't know how to get out. Financially I am stuck, having got into a bit of financial difficulty after a period of him being out of work. He won't leave, he thinks that when I ask him to leave that I am just "in a mood". I have no life. I cannot go out without him moaning that I don't make time for him. I have two jobs. I cannot leave as I have nowhere to go and the council will not house me as I own a house. I cannot privately rent as I can't afford to pay the mortgage and pay private rent (he won't stump up the mortgage if I leave - he never did care about being chased for money). It's me who will be saddled with bad credit. I have 2 children at home (18 and 13). He is never argumentative when they are here, only when they are at their dads - although at one time he didn't care whether they were here or not, he would still argue.

He changed after the wedding when his ex wife stepped up the heat after realising they weren't getting back together (she had an affair). It took its toll on us, but a lot has happened and I am finding it hard to forgive him for how he has treated me/us. I want to get out of this emotionally damaging relationship, and hope that I will be able once I am in a position to be able to financially, but I have wasted 5 years of my life with this man.

Please please please get out of this relationship. It really is a truly awful situation to remain in....x

[TrappedWanderer]

Chibi-so where are things at now?

 

I ask because I am in a very similar situation-married just 2 months and almost immediately after getting married, he changed completely. Yelling, name-calling, rages. It's now reached the point where I am leaving, as things kept escalating (I moved abroad to his country for him)...I know I need to go but, man, it's hard

 

Just married...to who I thought was my best friend, and now he's totally unrecognizable. I feel so hurt and humiliated and just...sad. Losing my best friend during what should be the happiest time of my life...hard to wrap my head around.

 

Any words of advice??

 

Chuckle-thanks for your words of wisdom. Right now I'm leaving, but struggling. Emotional upheaval,financial ruin..being isolated...all things I'm dealing with now. Good to hear from someone who has been through this. Keep your chin up and do what you need to do for YOU...stay safe!

[Yarrow]

One thing is jumping out at me. How long has been been drinking like this and when did you find out about it? 2-3 on a daily basis is into problem drinking/alcoholic territory. Has he been drinking the whole time you've known him or have there been periods where he is drinking daily and periods where he is sober? Do you think he was hiding his drinking from you before?

 

You need to figure out if this is a good guy who is aware he has a drinking problem and is willing to get back on the wagon and treat his depression vs a classic angry, drunk wife-beater in the making who might at various times blame grief or family circumstances or anything other than himself for why he acts the way he does. In the first case, there might be hope for you, but in the second, forget it, get out. Alcoholism is a deal-breaker for me regardless, but it's not for some people.

 

All of this might be moot though. He said he doesn't love you at all. It doesn't get more clear than that, does it?