Why is OLD so difficult?

[Nik1]

Yeah, so like, I've been trying this whole OLD thing for a couple weeks now and I thought it'd be easier than face to face cause this is how I met my ex. You know, I thought I could be more myself and relaxed online, but **** me, I just keep striking out. I don't know what it is, I keep changing up my tactics but they always seem to bail whenever:

 

- I try to take an interest in them, like asking questions. Nothing too personal, "What are you going to school for?", "What's your job?" ect.

 

- I mention any sort of romantic or intimate notions... I haven't made it far enough to get to anything overtly sexual, so I don't think I'm being creepy.

 

- I strike up a mutual back and forth. For instance, I was just talking to this one girl and we were going back and forth about celebrities we want to kill and then... nothing. And it's not like I went too far cause she was the last one to suggest a violent celebrity death and I just concurred (though, I did say I liked Weezer's first two albums, which is who she was quipping about).

 

It's like, dayuum, what am I supposed to do? It's not like they ever try to keep the conversation going and usually their profiles are vague at best and I don't want to sound like I'm reading from a script. How am I supposed to keep things going?

 

The worst part is is I finally met someone who I really liked, we talked for six hours straight. But here's the kicker... she lives in freaking New York, the exact opposite side of the country from me. The other kicker is that she contacted me, I just got lucky (and I use that term very loosely). And even though I enjoyed talking to her and her to me, we only talked once more the next morning and now she's disappeared. I think my mistake was bringing up my own interests (why, oh why god do I have to have interests?) or it just hit her that she might like me but can't do long distance, so she dipped.

 

Anyway, this really sucks. Which brings me to my next question for the ladies. I know at least a few of you have POF accounts. So, if you could, send me a message and I'll send you my account link to review it and tell me where I need to do some edits. I don't think I'm allowed to post links on the main board cause I did a thread similar to this a while ago and it got deleted and now I'm on some sort of probation and this thread won't even post until a moderator reads it.

 

As for the rest of you, got any pointers for me on the OLD circuit? And don't say "be yourself", that **** ain't working obviously.

[white]

Nope. I registered for this **** a couple weeks ago after reading so much about it here. Never wanted to try it because it seemed horribly impersonal, I felt sure I'd meet someone IRL, and frankly I'm not handsome enough for women to look twice at going down a list of pictures - I'm slim and fit but slowly balding for my age.

 

Two weeks later and I've proven myself right all along. Most people hardly have a profile and they're all the same. I've messaged 50 women, very broad reasonable choices, reasonable messages. Got 3 responses, 2 from crazies and 1 from someone who didn't reply again. Only 5 of them even looked at my profile, plus one random I didn't message.

 

It's pretty awful and I feel bad for trying it, more miserable than before. The only good thing I can say is it's hardened my belief and resolve in meeting someone IRL because it ain't happening on the internet for sure, that is a firmly closed avenue. I'll be deleting the profile this weekend.

[sillyanswer]

Only 5 of them even looked at my profile, plus one random I didn't message.

 

Not sure which site you were using, but most sites have an option where you can visit profiles anonymously. Lots of people use this because too many other people imagine that someone visiting their profile must be 'interested'.

[Nik1]

Not sure which site you were using, but most sites have an option where you can visit profiles anonymously. Lots of people use this because too many other people imagine that someone visiting their profile must be 'interested'.

So then if you're not receiving messages out of the blue, then you're a loser?

[sillyanswer]

So then if you're not receiving messages out of the blue, then you're a loser?

 

I think most guys get none to few messages, and most girls get many more. If you're getting none and you're a guy I wouldn't worry about it. If you're getting none and you're a girl then you probably need to work on your profile.

[CarrieT]

Y

As for the rest of you, got any pointers for me on the OLD circuit?

The secret -- at least for me -- was to play it as a numbers game and never get invested in ANYONE until date #3 or #4.

 

When I was doing online dating, I literally talked to HUNDREDS of guys - sometimes for days or weeks (gave up on weeks) - before insisting on meeting them in person. For women, there are a lot of married men out there looking for hook-ups, you see...

 

I went on over fifty coffee/meet-and-greet dates in two years. Seriously.

 

Again... it is a numbers game. Just look at it as an adventure, don't spend too much time on someone if it isn't great, and don't get invested too quickly.

 

It CAN work. I am now engaged to a guy I met online!

[hppr]

Keeping the conversation going is probably the hardest part of online dating.

 

Lots of women online aren't very friendly and they look at it like a 'video game' so you, your profile, whatever you say isn't very real to them. Plus they can get away with vague profiles and being rather vapid just because guys are so damn desperate online.

 

The only thing you can do about this is to 1) get them talking on the phone and 2) meet up as fast as possible.

 

If they are serious about meeting people then you should be able to speak with you on the phone and meet up within a week of your first message at the latest.

[Nik1]

Okay, I'm a little behind, but what is meant by a "numbers game". Oh and just to reiterate, girls with POF profiles, I need a review. The site used to have a forum that did profile reviews, but I guess they got rid of that.

[MrRightNow]

I tried it just to see what it was like. You need to keep in mind the fact that attractive girls on those sites receive dozens of messages everyday. I doubt they even read all of them. What annoyed me the most about OLD is that the girls on there expect you to do all the talking, which gets boring really fast. A lot of girls end up flaking out on you too, even the girls who message you first and seem genuinely interested. I've had women ask me if I wanted to meet up and then cancel plans a day before the date lol. Dating in real life is much easier, more natural, and definitely more fun. My advice is to give up on OLD altogether, or at least don't take it seriously and keep your expectations low. Focus on meeting women out in the real world.

[Nik1]

Yeah, keeping the conversation going is really tough. It seems like every time I asked them a question, that's when things go down hill. One more question and they're gone for good. I'd like to do IRL dating, but I have absolutely no social life. I used to. Used to be in a band, use to have friends I'd hang out with all the time, but then I joined the Marines and they all got jobs, now we don't see each other anymore. The only time I really get out anymore is for PT, but most of the people there are 5 years younger than me and it's hard to relate with them.

[HumptyDumpty]

As a female, I tested dating sites!

 

So, first thing, when I'm online, I get a lot of messages! All starting with "how are you", "hello", "hello beauty" and this crap! I responded to messages like "I've read your profile, found it interesting, so how come you collect fruit stickers"? :)"! It show interest me as a person and not the usual female-with-hole-for-d**ks-down-there!

 

Secondly, I avoid guys making sexual remarks! Those are guys I don't know a bit and haven't even met yet! I mean, I'd fear a rape for the 1st date It's a no-go!! This can be done after some dates when you're sure she's interested!

Leading to me...believing that those guys only want sex! I'm friendly and respond to messages and guys find me fab since I have a very bubbly, mad and funny personality! However, I don't feel the same way about them... quite boring, they're laughing their asses of and I yawn at their messages

 

There was this one guy once, he had this fab writing, we joked a lot, it was great! Gave him my number and he wanted at all cost meet me! I backed out the first date given several hours before, but he had no time and pressured me into meeting him! Quite suspect, and there was no contact from either sides since then...

 

So, personally- I avoid dating websites! If I needed quick a sexfriend, I could find one right this minute thanks to one! But I'm not into that so no.... No more websites, I just go out into the real life where I'm available

[Nik1]

Update: I've found OLD much more fun and I actually get further when I don't take it seriously. Have had a few lasting conversations so far... don't plan on anything happening though since I'm losing my ride tomorrow But it's a hell of a lot of fun to mess around with some of these girls.

[El Brujo]

OLD has been abused by so many people for so long that for 99.99% of us, it's become a non-option. It's like spam, the 1 person in a couple thousand who gets results from it is what keeps it going.

 

Your chances of meeting the love of your life on OLD are probably as good as striking gold in your yard.

[sillyanswer]

As a female, I tested dating sites!

 

So, first thing, when I'm online, I get a lot of messages! All starting with "how are you", "hello", "hello beauty" and this crap!

 

What's wrong with a message starting with "hello" ? That sounds like a friendly greeting.

[HumptyDumpty]

It's not that it's not friendly!

But when you get a message that only states

 

"Hello"

 

 

And you carry on to search for more, some invisible writing or other...but don't see anything, well, what a great conversation! You reply "hello" back and that's the end of conversation!

 

Same as

 

"how are u"

 

You reply "fine, thanks!" and that's it! And then guys moan about girls not interested?

C'mon, it's not difficult to read a profile! I always had so many infos in my profile, just perfect to start a conversation upon one element out of like 20! But it was very rare guys actually read them! They asked me questions that were already answered in my profile! And as a girl, I just find it rude to not show any interest at all! I've been working on my personality, to be interesting and I want the fruits of that hard work! Not because I'm a female that is "online"!

 

See?

[El Brujo]

C'mon, it's not difficult to read a profile!

 

It is for a lot of people nowadays! A lot of people either don't want to read, or they have some kind of brain damage that keeps them from reading and writing properly.

 

Illiteracy is already cool, why can't it be sexy as well?

[sillyanswer]

It's not that it's not friendly!

But when you get a message that only states

 

"Hello"

 

 

Ahh, yes, totally agree. It was the way you said 'starting with' and I couldn't think what was wrong with a message that started that way... but if that's the entire message then it's not great.

 

On some sites (such as PoF) you can change some settings so that the first email has to be at least some minimum length. I've done that and the "hi" messages have totally stopped.

[KathyM]

I would suggest not spending a lot of time with back and forth Emails before making the date to meet up. People who do OLD are usually pretty serious about getting to the dating stage, and are not that interested in extended Emails. I know people who have done lots of online dating. One guy who didn't move fast enough to the meet up stage was told point blank that the woman was not interested in being penpals, she wanted to get to the date. People usually want to meet up early on rather than spending a lot of time Emailing back and forth. And don't make the Emails sexual or she will think you are only interested in a hook up.