Huge mess.

[College]

Hey there all, so i need some honest advice, especially from males. I have been dating a guy for two years, when it started out we were in college and the first few months of our relationship he cheated on me (kisses, telling other girls he liked them) three times and would also always go out at night texting other girls to hangout at 3AM not responding to me never wanting to go out with me etc. I think he was embarrassed of me. im not sure anymore. Anyways, things went awful one night on a date and the next morning we broke up over facebook. I was upset and went out, single, and had sex with someone else. He called me that morning I told him immediately and felt awful. He was upset and we got back together but now I am not allowed to talk to any male friends (of whom ive never done anything at all with, most are out of state and we chat online) and wasn't allowed to go out on my own for an entire year. I agreed to this but told him that the approximately six girls he had been weird and sketchy with or cheated on me with he had to finally stop talking to. He agreed but didnt follow through and just started lying and lying to cover up that he was talking to them, these two girls who he had liked specifically. i could go on and on. I dont know what to do though. Now it is a little over a year since my infidelity and I keep telling him that if he can go a month without lying to me I will trust him and it never happens. I want this to work so badly, but is it true that things never change?

I am also worried that the relationship has become emotionally abusive. He calls me names like bitch, calls me crazy tells me im a joke, after i had sex with that man he used to lay in bed with me while i cried because i felt so awful about it and just say calmly to me while he held me that i was a whore and a slut and weak. Im not allowed to talk to him about school or work because according to him he doesnt care. My self esteem has tanked and I cant hold conversations with people anymore because I fell like everything I say sounds stupid. I tried to bring it up to him, saying that it doesnt help my self esteem when he talks aroun me to his friends about how hot girls are or tells me that im not "that overweight" and he told me he didnt care if he hurt my feelings if I was going to sit on the couch and eat pizza all the time... I just want to fix things. These last two years my grades have plummeted because I am always depressed or doing things so he wont get mad or getting in fights right before huge tests. I gave up my life long dream of being a doctor because of this relationship. I need to fix it and make things work. I feel like I sound completely stupid and ridiculous and this is so long and no one will read it but at least i tried?

[hoping2heal]

The relationship is not what needs fixing. You need to fix yourself, not this sorry ass excuse for a relationship or that sorry ass excuse of a man you're dating.

 

You are running after this guy with your arms flailing and trying to meet his approval..for what?? For why?? He lies to you, he calls you names, he treats you poorly. What on earth are you deriving out of this relationship aside from self-loathing and pain?? Do you think he is the last man on earth? Do you think if you were to let go of this god forsaken union that all other men would be sucked up into rapture and you would be forced to spend your life with a volleyball named Wilson (ala Tom Hanks)??! It's downright self abusive that you are subjecting yourself to this person and his lying, cruel, hypocritical, callous self. But..you want to fix it..fix what?? This thing was a wash from the start. He was already lying to you, already doing god knows what. He never gave you any respect to start so what is it you think is worth salvaging? This relationship has done your head in and sucked all of your common sense out of the window.

 

You flunked out of school for this crap pile?? WHAT?! Worry about school and getting that back, not this cretan supreme. You need to get away from him and not today but yesterday, last month..last year! I mean you really can't run fast enough from this guy. You need to start thinking about yourself and your well being and being kind and caring for yourself. He's got to go!!

[Lecturer]

It sounds like you're young and fairly inexperienced with relationships, so I'll outline some things for you.

 

1. Men deserve no special freedoms or special treatment. Double-standards are not ok.

 

2. A relationship can only survive infidelity if there is forgiveness. Your boyfriend (and I use this term with difficulty) has never forgiven you, and will never. If he had, you would not be made to feel bad for what you did, and he would not enact 'rules' against you. He would know you are remorseful and you would help each other deal with the difficulties each of you face because of it.

 

3. He is not your parent, your superior, or your better. He is in no position to enforce rules against you. It is up to you if you want to make certain concessions as a result of a situation (ie: give up drinking if past incidents of drinking has caused relationship issues). If you don't want to give up something because it is unreasonable (talking to all males is, IMO), then he is free to leave.

 

4. A functional relationship is one in which people respect and care for each other. Calling your partner names and using actions designed to reduce her self-value (to make her more pliable and easier to control) is not what you do for someone you care about.

 

5. You know those relationships where one person beats the other? Where the victim is apologetic for her attacker, believing she deserves it and she just has to try harder to be better for him? Where she has had her self value/esteem destroyed to the point where she doesn't think anyone else would want her so she has no choice but to stay with her attacker? Yeah.. that's your relationship. If any of those things aren't true yet, they will be soon.

 

Unlike your 'boyfriend' I won't tell you what to do.. I think you're smart enough to know what that is yourself. I hope you can find the courage to do it.

[Darren Steez]

I'm a dude, read up until the part you "cheated" and stopped.

 

First off, break up with him immediately. Why exactly are you with him? I often wonder why people are in relationships.. is it just because they need to be with someone..anyone? Better the devil you know? He's already shown you he cant be trusted, it seems like you got fed up, left and did what you did.

 

This guy seems like he's on an ego trip. Lots of girls lined up and you went and shattered his ego. So you're not allowed to talk to dudes but he lies about talking to his lady friends.

 

Again, why are you with him? Surely you can find better.

[Apparition]

As soon as you said he calls you names like bitch etc, I stopped reading through your story and came here to post this immediately. DUMP HIS ASS NOW! He is disrespecting you HUGELY. You are his doormat, plain and simple. He's a jerk and there is other words I could use but I'm not going to. You deserve far better, someone who will treat you with respect and won't abuse you. Nothing will change, I'm sorry to tell you, but It's true. You let him away with his first "mistake" and took him back, now he knows he can do it again, and again, and again, which believe me, he most certainly will. You will end up completely heart broken if you still decide to be with this guy.

 

I was with my ex for 3 years, I thought I knew who she was before we started dating because we were close friends for 8 years. When we started dating and became engaged things started to unravel, I never doubted her, I watched her flirt with other men and never thought anything of it, she was controlling, jealous and VERY insecure, I was not allowed to even speak or look at another woman in any way. I had never cheated on her, so it was stupid. But, later on, she started to "confess" things to me.. about how she lied about how many men she actually slept with, how many she dated, blahblahblah. I was ok with it, and she decided one day to give me her passwords to her accounts (I didn't ask for them) because she "fully trusted" me now. One day, I was going to play a joke on her sister and send a message to her through my ex's facebook, when I logged in and went to the messages to put in her name , I noticed LOADS of messages from guys, I was curious because she said she only used facebook for her family and I didn't have one at the time. Then, before I knew it, I was reading vulgar, dirty, filthy messages from my ex to these guys and vice versa. I logged into her Myspace too, which had only her friends on that social networking website, and I also found HUNDREDS of messages that were very sexual, asking guys to "f.u.c.k her". I would look at some of the dates to make sure this wasn't long ago before me, and the first one I looked at was sent ON MY BIRTHDAY. She was very much still with me. Anyway, I confronted her, called her disgusting, vile, filthy and I ended it. I was devastated , we got back together because she wouldn't stop contacting me and telling me she would change, I believed her (STUPID) , fast forward to a couple of months later, our relationship was entirely crap because both of us never believed each other (even though I never gave her a reason not to trust me) and then one night when we went out to a party with her friends, I was getting tired and had work the next day , so I told her I was leaving and asked if she was coming (she was having too much fun getting drunk), she decided to stay. Fast forward to the next day, I didn't hear from her in the morning, she was not home, and it wasn't until about 10PM where she got in contact with me after I left dozens of lovey texts to her. "We need to talk, I have something to tell you" - I knew then and there that something was wrong. "I came home with no underwear on, I don't remember what happened, I think I had sex, I'm not sure I was so drunk". Again, we broke up, and I won't type any more about the story but I took her back and it ended in a disaster.

 

My point is, no matter what, he will never change and do the same thing over and over. You need to let go of him. By the way, I know you will most likely not take this advice but I was in your situation and went to yahoo answers to look for advice and every single one of them told me to dump her , of course, I didn't listen. I was wrong.

 

I wish you good luck and I hope you make the right decision.

[Chi townD]

Okay, I'm a guy and I will tell you this. Don't you see how toxic this relationship is for you and how it's affecting your life? Your social skills are suffering, your grades are suffering. You find that you have a hard time connecting to people. All because HE dictates what you can and can't do. All for a guy that isn't in a committed relationship with you. Never has.

 

Your self esteem and self worth are in the crapper and you sound miserable. So, I have to ask, why are you with this guy?

 

Sorry, I know you don't want to hear this, but you need to cut this guy loose and reclaim your life. He doesn't consider you his girlfriend anyways. Your his piece on the side that he can control.

 

Frankly, I think your worth more than that.