BJ Posted November 6, 2004 Share Posted November 6, 2004 Hello all. I am writing because my girlfriend has just broken up with me two months ago. She said she needed space and to let her clear her head. She has a lot going on with me plus she is having a lot of family problems at the moment. I would go a few days and then contact her, usualy by email, she would email back and it would just basicaly be updates on what was going on in her life. But apparently that just began to aggravate her and not give her space. It was just me pushing her which is not what she wanted. Anyway me being a stupid guy calls her at work and asks her to go away with me because i have been trying to take her away for some time now. She says let her think about it she will call me back. So I am thinking this is good even if she says no it was good that she thought about it. Boy was I wrong. About three hours later I get an email from her saying that my idea of space and hers are completely different. She says I have not given her anytime to put things together in her head. All I do by contacting her is push her away. She also writes that we did not have a loving relationship and that she has been unhappy for years. She said I always did things for myself and she was always a convience. I never listened to her problems, and she was alone for so much, especially when i moved away for 6 months for work. She said to move on we are not right for each other it should not have been this way. she says she can not love me like i deserve to be loved and that she is not willing to try again because she cant and doesnt want to. she told me to move on and take her out of the picture. I admit I made a lot of mistakes we have had 80 minutes of distance between us almost our whole relationship. I have always loved her and I do want to spend the rest of my life with her. I realized I became a non affectionate not emotional person, but i realized it and I am trying to do right now and have been trying for a couple of months. I have done a lot of good things for her taken her places and we had a lot of romantic times etc, but i did make a lot of mistakes. I was always faithful. She is 27 i am 26. My question to all of you is this. Do you think she was just getting all the anger out or should I take the email for face value. She can be harsh when she is hurt it is her defense mechanism. She still has our picture on her dresser and she still wears my necklace because it represents me hanging there close to her heart. Do you think space will help her heal to give us another shot or is this one done. we are on no contact right now and i am going to give her the space she needs. I am also looking at jobs up there and am probly going to move closer to her soon. I have a realy nice suprise for her for thanksgiving I know she will love no matter what. Will I ever get her back or is she gone forever. I love her so much and miss her more each day. Please Help!!!!!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
smile Posted November 6, 2004 Share Posted November 6, 2004 In my opinion she lashed out at you because she felt that you weren't listening to her, or even respecting her decision. I know how hard it is to give someone space, especially when they are going through a tough time. But sometimes a person needs to handle something on her own. I think she needs space. So just give it to her. Take care of you and live your life. If she was blowing off steam she will contact you.. if she meant it then she won't. Loving someone so much makes you want to rescue them when they are going through something tough. But that might make her think you dont trust her enough to work it out on her own. I know it hurts but look at it from her point of view. And give the woman you love some trust. And space. Link to post Share on other sites
BJ Posted November 8, 2004 Share Posted November 8, 2004 thanks smile, but can anyone else provide some information all my situation. I hope that why she is taking space she does not forget about me Link to post Share on other sites
ChipsandHotSauce Posted November 10, 2004 Share Posted November 10, 2004 Here's what you need to do and it will be EXTREMELY difficult. You need to stop contacting her - period. Don't make any attempts to contact her in any way and don't go driving by her house late at night or "accidentally" dialing her phone number then hanging up. Cut yourself off from her. It will be excruciating at times but trust me - she will not forget about you. But by falling off the face of the earth and dissapearing for a while will give her time to think and make her wonder about you. You want her thinking about you not getting irritated that you won't give her breathing room. Case in point. I gave my ex 4 months of no contact. Then thinking it was truly over he knocks on my door one evening and professes his undying love and how he couldn't spend another waking moment without me. 4 months of us having no contact put alot of things in perspective and him coming back to me proved to me that he truly loves me. It was well worth the wait. If you can stop obsessing over her and give her space - trust me, you'll hear from her again. To get her thinking about you is to make her wonder - don't contact her. Her curiosity will get the better of her and she'll come back -you've just got to show her you're not obsessed and that you can possibly live a life without her. Might take a while for her to come around but she will. The longer you can hold out and just keep your distance the better. It's hard - very hard to do this. Link to post Share on other sites
chicothechimp Posted November 11, 2004 Share Posted November 11, 2004 I think that Chips nailed it... but do keep in mind that she may not callback... ever... that doesn't mean she never loved you... but it would mean that her love has changed. NO CONTACT at all ever never... unless you are maimed from a car accident... NO CONTACT... there is no way she can forget you... bu where sher has gone existentially at present is a place that does not include you... pray, be patient and be active with your life... start something new that you have never done... but do not allow yourself incessant time to sit around and ponder if she will come back... truly brutal to hear but totally let her go, dude... hang in there! Chico Link to post Share on other sites
Layzie1207 Posted November 11, 2004 Share Posted November 11, 2004 i was going to do no contact, and it took a lot of begging and pushed my ex very far away. during the no contact i realized how badly i treated her, and now i am at the point where i cant wait to talk to her to tell her my wrongs and everything i feel i didnt wrong in the relationship. i know in my case, no contact made me look back at myself and i know i am a better person for it. i just hope i can convey that to my ex and hope that she gives me another chance. basically im saying no contact will probably make you see a lot of your flaws and make you a better person in the end. Link to post Share on other sites
BJ Posted November 13, 2004 Share Posted November 13, 2004 Ex found out that I may be alone for thanksgiving because my family is goin away except for me. she said she needed time and space. She had said she wanted me to move on and that we were not right for each other and that i should remove her from the picture. But then she calls and says if i am going to be alone i am more than welcome to come spend thanksgiving with her family. What does this mean? does it mean there are feelings still there or does it mean that she just feels bad for me? if she truly wanted me to move on she would not invite me right. i do not know what to think. Please help me understand what all this means? I miss her and want her back so bad. please someone tell me what she wants and what i shold do. should i be glad that she invited me or is it just a charity invite? how should i handle this? Link to post Share on other sites
Sukotto Posted November 13, 2004 Share Posted November 13, 2004 Its most likely a charity invite but it would be a good opportunity to see her and find out if anything is still there though her actions while your over. Did you get on well with her family? If not then it could be unbelievable awkward. I know its been a few months sine she said she wanted space and this could bring a flood of emotions back to you and if she doesn't reciprocate those feelings then it will most likely make what your going through worse. So i'd weigh up the pro's and con's. Pro's ---- Find out how she feels Possibly get back together Free food and some company Con's ---- Push her further away Open old wounds You probably have a few more you can add but make your choice wisely. Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 13, 2004 Share Posted November 13, 2004 Go for Thanksgiving. Be friendly, but nothing more. Do not presume or assume anything. It is your big chance to show what a good LISTENER you can be. Better read up on listening skills before you go over there. Whatever you do, DO NOT talk about your feelings or desires, and do not tell her what hers are or should be. Just listen, and make it clear you are listening and paying attention and absorbing. I am sure she still cares for you, but she has reached her limit of frustration with your non-listening and non-appearance of caring. Just saying that "you know you love her deep down in your heart" is a pointless stance. She has/had a need for you to SHOW your love with actions. And you didn't. You probably cannot even fathom the ongoing hurt that this caused her... Link to post Share on other sites
BJ Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 update on the ex. She contacted me the other day via email. she said that my mom invited her for thanksgiving which i already knew. She said she does not think it is a good idea, but wants to talk to me about it. She said she has been busy right now some interior design party she was throwing at her place and she had to put her cat to sleep that she has had since she was a little girl. she then writes "please understand if i am not emotionaly ready to talk to you right now, i will call you early in the week". She also said again that if i am going to be alone for thanksgiving i am more than welcome to come up and be with her family. I than said i dont want to be somewhere i am not wanted. she then said if you were not wanted i would not have invited you. Remember that this is from a girl two weeks ago who wrote me a nasty email saying we are not right for each other and that i should remove her from the picture etc. all stuff i talked about above in my original post. Can somebody please help me to understand what she is saying. she has confused me so much. does she still love me and will i ever have another shot with her. i miss her so much. please help me try to understand all this if you can. thanks all responses will mean a lot to me during this difficult time. Link to post Share on other sites
lost_in_chgo Posted November 14, 2004 Share Posted November 14, 2004 I think it's really great that she can realize that she is not ready to talk and say that to you without just letting it overwhelm her. Leave the contact up to her like she asked and don't push her. You want her to be comfortable with you. Do not try to talk her into coming back now. Leave that for down the road when she is ready for it. Stop the "i'm not wanted" stuff, because that is adversarial. Listen, I did that, and I've been without my ex for over a year now. Don't make the same mistake. She tried to drive you away initially because she needed to be without you to make some sort of decision. She's probably still working on that decision. So go to Thanksgiving, be polite, make no demands and no leading comments and just relax. It sounds like things are going well. She invited you to her place because it's more comfortable for her. Make sure she doesn't regret that decision. http://www.crnhq.org/windskill3.html Link to post Share on other sites
Puma Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 im with ya!! my prayers are with ya too..and everyone on here suffering with similar situations. my situation is very similar and id appreciate any feedback also please! i can tell you to yeah..jsut back off for now..maybe even have one contact to her.then back off after that, let her know you are confident and she will start thinkin. women love confidence!!! give urself soem mystery and wow..even better. if you are religious..then PRAY, if you are not..then its a good reason to start! it does help though..it helps you think about things and get in touch with GOd: two very beneficial aspects of your life. since im seekin as much help as you are, i cant help out too much cause i dont even know what goin on in my situation..but i can advise you to live a lil! g luck Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted November 17, 2004 Share Posted November 17, 2004 I'd be confused too. "More than welcome to come" for Thanksgiving, yet "it would not be a good idea". ??????? I would have said the same as you...maybe just softening it a bit. "I'd be glad to come if YOU think it is a good idea. Otherwise, I'll be busy elsewhere." I still think that going, and being a good LISTENER, is the way to go. Low key...low emotion...god friend, nothing more. Just one warning...do NOT let her talk about other potential boyfriends with you. Link to post Share on other sites
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