Reversing a FWB Relationship - How Does One Cope??

[AutumnRose1974]

I've been running searches online for articles/advice on this subject, but have come up empty-handed. All I've found are articles about how to start a FWB relationship, how to turn a FWB into "something more" or "how to be friends with an ex."

 

I am/(now it's "was") involved in a FWB relationship with a man who has a female friend who wants to start a relationship with him so, "to be fair to you and her," he wants to end our FWB relationship. He tells me we can still remain friends, as that was the major pull for him, not the physical intimacy.

 

To say this has put me into a tailspin is an understatement. I greatly enjoyed our intimacy and the times I spent with him. Plus, I did have feelings for him which doesn't help matters, even though I know a romantic relationship between us would have been a disaster, due to the age difference, and the fact that we do see things in different ways. We already had a fight about the fact that he chose to tell me this through text rather than sitting down with me in person and telling me, a fight which made him decide that we could text and talk on the phone, but not hang out at all. Which, actually, at this point is fine with me. I don't think I could see him face-to-face without those old feelings rising up in me - the wanting to take him to bed, the missing him, say nothing of the jealousy over the fact that another woman is going to be enjoying what I used to enjoy with him.

 

Problem is... I feel those things anyway. We were never a "couple" but it feels as though we've "broken up" anyway. I don't want to feel this way, I feel like I'm on a damn see-saw - one moment I'm fine with things (aside from the fact that we won't be hanging out any time soon!), and the next I'm filled with such a sense of loss, which is stupid because the only thing that is going away is the physical aspect of the relationship. He said we could still be buddies, he said we could still talk, so it's not like he's closing the door on me, or on the conversations we used to have.

 

*He* has no problem switching gears... I wish I could do so as easily.

[Emilia]

Hopefully this will teach you to have stronger boundaries and not accept an FWB situation again - though I suppose I doubt this very much. I simply don't understand why some women do this. Whenever a guy comes to me with this idea I kick his butt.

 

He found someone he likes more and he wants a relationship with her. He will eventually stop talking to you, he is trying to sweeten the bitter pill.

 

Don't let people use you in the future.

[fujidabruin]

Hey Autumn,

 

I would suggest that you may want to go into No Contact mode to get past the emotional attachment you have. I just came out of a similar agreed upon FWB where we actually were committed for a year previously. Did not work of course, as a couple of months into our FWB she became interested in someone else and I was in denial about my attachment.

 

I had the same feelings as you... wanting to still be friends; accepting why it was over; jealous; a sense of loss. The last one is the one you need to especially allow yourself to get over. You have an emotional attachment and was complicated by the physical. It is not stupid, rather very appropriate that you now have a sense of loss. You need time for grieving and lose the attachment.

 

I am on now on day 13 of full NC and told her that I needed to do so. I have filled my time by connecting with family and friends as well as just having fun and doing the things I love. It has definitely been easier than if I would have continued to try and "be her friend" and stay in contact. Its a process but things do gat better each day.

 

Good luck and may you find peace.

[AutumnRose1974]

^^^I actually decided to do NC for at least a month, of my own accord.

 

The last time we had any contact was a text conversation back on August 4; I had sent him a number of texts (we tend to send each other the texts that end up being whole paragraphs! ) admitting to having had an emotional attachment to him that got in the way of separating the intimacy from the rest of the relationship. I wondered to him whether this may be a blessing in disguise because now I *have to* look at our "connection" (as he calls it) in a properly platonic light, considering the fact that he is now going to be with someone else. I also told him that, given the way I had felt about him for the past 8 years, this sea change in our friendship was going to be difficult for me to make, which is probably why Fate/Karma stepped in, to put things into a healthier place. I need to see him in the "proper" light - that of a mentor, advisor, and 2nd father-figure (he's actually 72, but looks and acts like he's in his mid-50's, and I'd be lying if I said he hasn't been a major influence on how I've lived the *rest* of my life - I just have to stop making exceptions in my discipline level when it comes to our friendship).

 

He said that, given the intimacy, that it was hard for me to develop in my mind him as just a mentor and advisor (which was his aim all along, and still is), that one couldn't put the role of 2nd father with the intimacy being there - that would be a rather strange mental exercise. He also said we could text/call, just ramp it down and give it some space (I had kind of blown up his phone during that week), that he would respond but not if it was coming fast and furious.

 

I also told him I was getting rid of the Hitachi Wand that he wielded so effectively , because I didn't want any reminders about of our intimacy. And I did... I threw it in the dumpster across the street from my apartment building. He didn't say anything about that, and I really couldn't care less about how my saying I want to forget our intimate times made him feel.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Now that we've gotten the basic framework of how things are going to be set, I decided to go NC for a few weeks at least, to get used to the idea of him being gone, the intimacy being gone, and that at least for a while that we wouldn't be meeting face-to-face, but talking just over text/phone calls/voice mail.

 

One thing stands out to me -- I have absolutely NO CLUE how to be "just buddies" with this guy - I think thatis the crux of my problem right now. When I think of calling him (I tend to be the one who initiates the contact, and that's been so all the 9-1/2 years we've known each other), I have no idea what I would say that first time. It's almost like we're going to be starting over, developing a whole new friendship, with our feet firmly on the side of a mental/spiritual connection (which we had before - we definitely broke that FWB rule that says you DON'T get involved closely with the other person!).

[fujidabruin]

^^^I actually decided to do NC for at least a month, of my own accord.

 

The last time we had any contact was a text conversation back on August 4; I had sent him a number of texts (we tend to send each other the texts that end up being whole paragraphs! ) admitting to having had an emotional attachment to him that got in the way of separating the intimacy from the rest of the relationship. I wondered to him whether this may be a blessing in disguise because now I *have to* look at our "connection" (as he calls it) in a properly platonic light, considering the fact that he is now going to be with someone else. I also told him that, given the way I had felt about him for the past 8 years, this sea change in our friendship was going to be difficult for me to make, which is probably why Fate/Karma stepped in, to put things into a healthier place. I need to see him in the "proper" light - that of a mentor, advisor, and 2nd father-figure (he's actually 72, but looks and acts like he's in his mid-50's, and I'd be lying if I said he hasn't been a major influence on how I've lived the *rest* of my life - I just have to stop making exceptions in my discipline level when it comes to our friendship).

 

He said that, given the intimacy, that it was hard for me to develop in my mind him as just a mentor and advisor (which was his aim all along, and still is), that one couldn't put the role of 2nd father with the intimacy being there - that would be a rather strange mental exercise. He also said we could text/call, just ramp it down and give it some space (I had kind of blown up his phone during that week), that he would respond but not if it was coming fast and furious.

 

I also told him I was getting rid of the Hitachi Wand that he wielded so effectively , because I didn't want any reminders about of our intimacy. And I did... I threw it in the dumpster across the street from my apartment building. He didn't say anything about that, and I really couldn't care less about how my saying I want to forget our intimate times made him feel.

 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

 

Now that we've gotten the basic framework of how things are going to be set, I decided to go NC for a few weeks at least, to get used to the idea of him being gone, the intimacy being gone, and that at least for a while that we wouldn't be meeting face-to-face, but talking just over text/phone calls/voice mail.

 

One thing stands out to me -- I have absolutely NO CLUE how to be "just buddies" with this guy - I think thatis the crux of my problem right now. When I think of calling him (I tend to be the one who initiates the contact, and that's been so all the 9-1/2 years we've known each other), I have no idea what I would say that first time. It's almost like we're going to be starting over, developing a whole new friendship, with our feet firmly on the side of a mental/spiritual connection (which we had before - we definitely broke that FWB rule that says you DON'T get involved closely with the other person!).

 

I read a quote about a week into my NC that said, "There may come a time when realize that you can keep a certain person in your heart but not in your life."

Struck a chord for me and I began to accept that we may never be the friends that we once were if at all. She is out of my life now and may always be. You never know what the future brings but I am finally accepting that she may be gone for good even though we agreed that we had a special bond beyond the sex. I think she even expects that I will lift my NC one day and return to her life as a true friend. But, it DOES NOT matter what she thinks because we have to focus on ourselves to move forward in the best way that we can.