Affair "FOG" What are the BS's supposed to do?

[ComingInHot]

Hey All*

I have read a bit lately about some OW/OM that are or have gone NC with their MM/MW, and have come out of "the Fog" with some clarifying realizations.

First, I know it doesn't always take a-lot to get into an A. The pheromones and chemical/physical attraction "sparks" are baiting & hooking like crazy, then before you know it, BAM, you're in "the Fog".

 

Second, I DO realize now (thank you LS OW/OM*) that it DOES take a-lot to get Out of an A. The addiction from the excitement and (sometimes) secret thrill of meeting and doing things that keep those chemicals turned feelings going then the "promises" of forever and happily ever after, are, from what I've read, overwhelming.

 

Third, I have come to understand that it isn't always the OW/OM that is in this "Affair Fog" but the WS can be too.

 

Now as I acknowledge the fact that there are some OW (and I say OW because I cannot remember reading of an OM story like this*) that are keenly aware of their A situation, have chosen their A situation, and have full clarity of the consequences that an A can have on themselves and many others, and are "good" with it. Apparently No "Affair Fog" there.

 

This is for those who believe they have been caught up in "the Fog"...

 

The BS is usually Not in a "fog" of any kind. There may be moments of wondering why the strange behavior but it is (at least it was for me) quickly explained away by straying, cheating H.

So, with the above said, my question is: When the BS has a D-day (however it happens), and either the WS or the AP or BOTH are still in "the Fog", what are the BS's supposed to do? How do we handle it? When it's the WS, I think we are able to make choices and (finally) demands about how WE need things to proceed should WS desire to attempt R. But even then, how are we to respond?

And then, what about the OW/OM who is still caught up in the "Affair Fog" and believes without a doubt that D-Day is just a set-back and the WS just needs to see her/him, talk to her/him until the AP can "remind" and or Convince the WS to "come back"?

 

I know I am out of it and beyond and past the A and R and all that, but I wonder sometimes, was there something I could have done differently?

And for the BS's out there going through this Right Now? Is there any advise as to how to handle themselves, their H's and if need be the OW/OM who are still caught up in the Affair Fog?

 

Comments from ANYONE who has been in this "Affair Fog" are welcome along with those who have dealt with someone in 'the Fog"

Thanks!

CIH*

[Zenstudent]

First; there is something called "BS-fog". It's the condition a BS enters upon D-day, when he's in a state of denial - "Of course WS is telling me the truth now", or "It probably wasn't that bad, maybe they were just swapping recipes on all those thursday nights at his house" - and later "Maybe they WERE just friends" etc. etc.

 

I can think of two things that often makes the fog vanish very fast: Divorce papers served emmediatly and exposure to families and friends. Affairs thrive in the dark without consequences - remove those elements, and there is most likely no affair fog.

[Got it]

I can't post as someone in the "Fog" as I don't believe in it. I think it is an excuse to say that one avoided looking two steps ahead and potential repercussions to said actions as well as how attuned one is in themselves, their feelings, actions, etc. but still not an excuse for said actions.

 

What I think a BS should do, speaking as both a WS and an OP. Come down hard and fast. Have evidence, speak calmly as possible, have legal recourse in place and immediately move on the divorce. You are throwing down the gauntlet immediately saying that you will not tolerate said situation and you have no fear to not dissolve said arrangement. Only once the WS has groveled for a second chance a clearly defined list of expectations will be considered with continue progression of the divorce until the BS deems the partnership is safe or attractive enough to give a second look.

 

Since there tends to be a desired push and pull by a WS whom doesn't want to leave but doesn't want to stay - i.e. wants to fence sit, not adding additional energy gives little to push back against. And you do not pick up your end of the tug of war rope. It is dropped and never lifted.

 

I think it is in the BS' best interest to be their own best advocate and knowing that they are worthy and desirable partner, disregards those that say, do, or show otherwise. You walk. If they want to try and catch up and you decide that they are worth it then you make that call. But by immediately walking, to me, you are showing that you will not tolerate and that you can lose the WS, they are not the greatest thing since sliced bread. It is a taking back of power and showing a clear line on acceptable behavior.

 

You cannot make someone want to be with you, respect you, love you. You first off have to show it for yourself and then hold others to that standard and hold them accountable if they do not up to and including eliminating them from your life. I can imagine the abject fear of being blindsided and the presence of mind necessary to be willing to blow everything up on the gamble of getting one's spouse back.

 

If a WS wants to leave there is nothing that can be done to keep them. Full stop. But without a BS being willing to walk, it allows a grey area for the WS to be ambivalent on what they want to do and allow a potential limbo stage. It also gives the BS a grey space to question whether or not they were the default plan. Being able to walk and then being in a position to see a pattern of behaviors showing the WS "chasing" the BS will give them a better presence of mind to know that they hold the power to make the decision to continue the relationship and they are in full control over the happiness, safety and decisions in their life.

 

My general belief for relationships is the person should move heaven and earth to be with you. If they want to you will see it. If you don't no excuses, nagging cajoling, or prodding will make them care more. You have to assess your self worth and what you are willing to accept and the bar you will hold everyone to.

 

This has been posted on the OW/OM board but I think it applies here as well.

 

"A lot of women on this website have spent years hurting themselves so as to not hurt others. It's another way of expressing how little you value yourself. The reason why you feel other people don't consider whether or not they hurt you, is that you don't consider it yourself.

 

Every time, you put someone else's feelings ahead of your own, you are sending a message that says "it's okay if you hurt me in this way."

 

I understand what I written is very easy to state theoretically but much harder to implement in real time.

[ComingInHot]

Got it, I did exactly what you wrote, and did so without raging or underhanded play. I didn't give him choice upon D-day. I mad him go, then I Moved 633 miles away as we had planned, only he wasn't allowed to come "home" w/us. He had to make other arrangements of he wanted to be near us.

 

I told him he needed to figure out what he wanted, For Sure! He needed to apologize to exOW then take time to decide what & w/whom he wanted in the future. I didn't threaten w/children or money or proper, but I promised him I would be moving forward w/my life.

 

My H DID move heaven and earth to be w/me, to make all of us a family again*

 

Honestly, I didn't recognize the "fog" either. But reading the OW/OM side, well, I have to consider that there may be an element of psychological truth to it. The way some post gives me pause I guess.

 

Thanks for your response*

[uhavegottobekiding]

Its funny that fog thing. When my WS was in her fog, she had absolutely incredible strange thoughts. Even talked with her sister about setting up some sort of week with one week with me arrangement. Absolutely no basis in reality.

 

For her I don't think it was some sort of primal lust, desire, love thing. I really think she has some sort of narcissistic disorder where she had and still has everything revolve around her. And this filled some sort of exciting void for her. She had a strange somewhat loveless childhood and she just seemed to like the attention and created her fog of bizarre thoughts in which she was so important and special this sort of behavior was ok.

 

But when it all came crashing down she turned rather nasty and showed her complete lack of actual perception for the world around her. Just one delusion after another from the relationship(s), career, family, etc. etc. It was so off mark from reality it kind of through me into my own fog.

[thecharade]

Different marital dynamics, different affair dynamics, different people and situations= different fogginess. Each situation is unique.

 

The fog is the denial. Of what? Whatever it is that does not fit your pretty picture, your reality, your truth. When people really want or NEED something to be true (because frankly, we aren't all equipped for the same level of adversity) they will fight tooth and nail not to see it.

 

My fog was my belief that my exAP could not and would never put me into a damaging situation. (We have a long history.) I had to "lose him" as I had always known him before I could see the truth: he was definitely going to hurt me. He was showing me a selfish side that I did not want to see. It hurt too much. I think a BS often goes through this exact thing, refusing to see the H she is now seeing, selfish and callous. It is not who she had known before, or she had never acknowledged this side before. BUT, not all BS get this type of WS after dday. Some do, but many don't.

 

Here's the thing. The BS and the AP have both gotten some form of appreciation and love and respect, while both getting a big chunk of selfishness and betrayal. The WS chose to muddy the entire picture for everyone, and sorting that out can be foggy for all involved. If you think of the triangled relationship as a picture, it looks like the muddy water of confusion and ambiguity instead of the clear lake of security and honesty. You cannot run around confusing everyone and not bring about a muddy fog.

 

What should a BS do? Think only of themselves, as you did. That's what the AP should do, too. The AP has enabled the WS, and if the BS does not think only of themselves, they will enable the WS, too. The WS should be the big loser when it all shakes out, and if they want the spouse and life they had, they need to friggin' earn it. They are the ones that took what they supposedly wanted to keep and stomped on it. They need to prove over and over again that they want their BS, so that they never do anything like this again. Your WS seems to have done just that, which I believe gives you the best chance of putting this all behind you and getting to an even better (more appreciated) M than you ever had before.

[compulsivedancer]

I'd say I was in the fog. I daydreamed that I could keep both BS and OM. I was actually trying to repair their friendship while sleeping with both of them; it hurt to see them distant from each other. I also fantasized that H would find out but be OK with it. I even daydreamed about 3somes with them, though I knew that was strongly unlikely.

 

H did not kick me out, but he did move out of our bedroom to have space to consider whether to "keep" me. He informed me that he'd take his time to consider. A few weeks later we did it again. He told me he'd take a whole week and decide on Thurs. He had me make plans on where to go, what to do, etc. We reminisced about the good times and talked about the things we'd change if we could go back. The last night, we stayed up to watch the snow fall outside. It felt like goodbye. I am tearing up as I think about it. It was one of the most bittersweet moments of my life. But after that week, he and I both knew that I wanted to stay.

 

Early on, H asked a few very hard things of me. He had found a transcript of texts between me and OM. He had me read the important parts to him out loud and answer his questions. It was incredibly humiliating and it took a couple of hours. If I had wanted to go, I would've left then. I think that is one of the hardest things I've ever done.

 

NC was really important too. I don't attribute this to fog, per se, but there were several times over the last 6 months that I wanted desperately to contact OM. But because I blocked all his accounts and deleted his phone numbers, the only way I could have would be to call him at work or go see him there. This has made getting past/over OM so much easier. I imagine I would've broken contact at least a couple times if I still had his number in my phone.

[compulsivedancer]

I may still have some fog where OM is concerned. All signs point to him using and manipulating me, but my feelings say he cared for me, that he wanted ME, not just any girl. It's probably not true, but my heart and my brain just don't agree on this matter.

[ladydesigner]

What should a BS do? Think only of themselves, as you did. That's what the AP should do, too.

 

I agree with this, it is the only thing positive to have come out of this experience.

[ComingInHot]

I would like to ask/clarify if by way of the BS thinking only of herself & her kids, does that ALSO mean doing what is necessary to try to Save the M as well?

In my case, I did want to save my M, however I didn't feel I could do that unless my H had a true picture of life w/me Not in the same house. :

What surprised me was the fury launched at me by the exOW who was either angry or still in a fog, I don't know.

[uhavegottobekiding]

A fog where you do selfish things that are hurtful to other is love? Risking family, children, others physical and mental well being is love?

 

I like the classical definitions of love. Not this new age, weak mentally and morally, self absorbed and destructive definition.

 

Here are the four forms of classical love. I don't see anything about the fog in their definitions but maybe I'm too old fashioned or too jaded. Enlighten me on it if you think I'm off base as I am on hear to finally learn something. I supposed the closest is their concept of Eros love, but really, after a few weeks that turns to something else. And really isn't worth loosing it all and hurting so many people for.

 

Of course, sticking with the classics, the Trojan war was fought for Eros love. I wonder if those two though the wiping out and genocide of a people was worth it. Hmm. Selfish none the less.

.

[ComingInHot]

j'adore wrote, "Fog is actually love, people in love. Call it another name if you want but whatever you call it, it is love."

 

J' do you have any suggestions as to the actual questions posed?

 

I do understand what you have written and how you view what the A fog is. I am not contesting that, nor am I dismissing how other AP's define what they are feeling. (it's not my place*)

 

I am going off of what I have read and understanding (trying to) where these AP's are and then seeing its affects on the M and BS After D-day in Hopes that there is something to be learned by the BS to help her with her own behaviors and choices.

 

This could be beneficial for all parties if kept positive & constructive

[waytogo]

Hey All*

I have read a bit lately about some OW/OM that are or have gone NC with their MM/MW, and have come out of "the Fog" with some clarifying realizations.

First, I know it doesn't always take a-lot to get into an A. The pheromones and chemical/physical attraction "sparks" are baiting & hooking like crazy, then before you know it, BAM, you're in "the Fog".

 

Second, I DO realize now (thank you LS OW/OM*) that it DOES take a-lot to get Out of an A. The addiction from the excitement and (sometimes) secret thrill of meeting and doing things that keep those chemicals turned feelings going then the "promises" of forever and happily ever after, are, from what I've read, overwhelming.

 

Third, I have come to understand that it isn't always the OW/OM that is in this "Affair Fog" but the WS can be too.

 

Now as I acknowledge the fact that there are some OW (and I say OW because I cannot remember reading of an OM story like this*) that are keenly aware of their A situation, have chosen their A situation, and have full clarity of the consequences that an A can have on themselves and many others, and are "good" with it. Apparently No "Affair Fog" there.

 

This is for those who believe they have been caught up in "the Fog"...

 

The BS is usually Not in a "fog" of any kind. There may be moments of wondering why the strange behavior but it is (at least it was for me) quickly explained away by straying, cheating H.

So, with the above said, my question is: When the BS has a D-day (however it happens), and either the WS or the AP or BOTH are still in "the Fog", what are the BS's supposed to do? How do we handle it? When it's the WS, I think we are able to make choices and (finally) demands about how WE need things to proceed should WS desire to attempt R. But even then, how are we to respond?

And then, what about the OW/OM who is still caught up in the "Affair Fog" and believes without a doubt that D-Day is just a set-back and the WS just needs to see her/him, talk to her/him until the AP can "remind" and or Convince the WS to "come back"?

 

I know I am out of it and beyond and past the A and R and all that, but I wonder sometimes, was there something I could have done differently?

And for the BS's out there going through this Right Now? Is there any advise as to how to handle themselves, their H's and if need be the OW/OM who are still caught up in the Affair Fog?

 

Comments from ANYONE who has been in this "Affair Fog" are welcome along with those who have dealt with someone in 'the Fog"

Thanks!

CIH*

 

I've read a number of your posts. You are a very nice person who still wishes to put some pieces together. I wish everything good for you.

 

Only speaking for myself.. You mentioned some OW being good with that position and having no fog. For a time as an OW, I thought I was ok with it for most/all reasons others have said here. I WAS in a fog. That is no more me than, insert any other atrocity you can think of.

 

I wish I could say the perfect thing that made everyone understand how they ended up on whichever side and felt better about it all. I can't understand myself how simple 'you don't' morals were bypassed. I recall feeling lonely but not THAT lonely. Must have been worse than I realized. It's still not an excuse. I did know it was wrong and acted anyway. I want to know why I did but not sure i ever will.

[road]

Hey All*

I have read a bit lately about some OW/OM that are or have gone NC with their MM/MW, and have come out of "the Fog" with some clarifying realizations.

First, I know it doesn't always take a-lot to get into an A. The pheromones and chemical/physical attraction "sparks" are baiting & hooking like crazy, then before you know it, BAM, you're in "the Fog".

 

Second, I DO realize now (thank you LS OW/OM*) that it DOES take a-lot to get Out of an A. The addiction from the excitement and (sometimes) secret thrill of meeting and doing things that keep those chemicals turned feelings going then the "promises" of forever and happily ever after, are, from what I've read, overwhelming.

 

Third, I have come to understand that it isn't always the OW/OM that is in this "Affair Fog" but the WS can be too.

 

 

WS, WH. WW, OW, OM, AP all are cheating and therefore are all in the same group. No need for distinction as they all can be fogged up. Now some WS lose the fog on dday. Some need time to detox from their addiction to their AP.

 

 

Now as I acknowledge the fact that there are some OW (and I say OW because I cannot remember reading of an OM story like this*) that are keenly aware of their A situation, have chosen their A situation, and have full clarity of the consequences that an A can have on themselves and many others, and are "good" with it. Apparently No "Affair Fog" there.

 

 

What you have written about OW is about the finest example of being in a fog. They convince themselves that their OM is so in love with them. There is no other way for a OW to justify accepting half a loaf/man/life.

 

 

This is for those who believe they have been caught up in "the Fog"...

 

The BS is usually Not in a "fog" of any kind. There may be moments of wondering why the strange behavior but it is (at least it was for me) quickly explained away by straying, cheating H.

So, with the above said, my question is: When the BS has a D-day (however it happens), and either the WS or the AP or BOTH are still in "the Fog", what are the BS's supposed to do? How do we handle it? When it's the WS, I think we are able to make choices and (finally) demands about how WE need things to proceed should WS desire to attempt R. But even then, how are we to respond?

And then, what about the OW/OM who is still caught up in the "Affair Fog" and believes without a doubt that D-Day is just a set-back and the WS just needs to see her/him, talk to her/him until the AP can "remind" and or Convince the WS to "come back"?

 

I know I am out of it and beyond and past the A and R and all that, but I wonder sometimes, was there something I could have done differently?

And for the BS's out there going through this Right Now? Is there any advise as to how to handle themselves, their H's and if need be the OW/OM who are still caught up in the Affair Fog?

 

CIH*

 

 

Can not educate a WS. All the BS can do from dday on out is to work to kill the affair or divorce their WS.

 

How ever if the choice is to recover then the actions taken to kill the affair is what moves the WS out of the fog. Some addicts get clean quickly and easily.

 

Some have relapses.

 

Same with the addiction with the WS for their AP. Some WS detox fast. Some slow. So the fog clears at different rates for different people.

[drifter777]

I still don't understand what the term "fog" means in the context of a WS. Is it how they feel being separated from their AP? Is it something else?

 

I've always felt a BS enters a "fog" at d-day, but the term that describes it best is "stunned". A BS will do and say things while in this state due to anger, hurt, panic, etc. that they don't mean. A BS may even offer "forgiveness" in an attempt to right their emotional ship - something that never works in the long run. All BS's know what I'm speaking of and I usually advise that a BH pack some things and leave for a while so they can clear their head a bit before making any decisions.

 

As far as what a BS should do when their WS is in this affair fog, I say kick them out and file for divorce. If that doesn't shake them out of the "fog" then follow through and end the marriage.

[ComingInHot]

Drifter777, I love the way you put things. It's horrible and yet I find myself smirking* Thank You for that. And your right, whatever this fog is, this thinking and acting and believing irrationally for the WS, there is little the BS can do besides make a choice for herself and her children that hopefully will be in her best interest and those in her care.

 

Snickery side-note: I wonder if my H was still Fogged out as when exOW outed the A to me, he still tried to blow it off and say we really just ended up being BFFs...

Then I have to ask* was it me leaving the state as planned only not inviting him to come to our new home with us OR was it the LAPTOP that I accidentally (in a fog) threw at his head across the room?

 

disclaimer: It only happened once, I couldn't control myself, It meant nothing, If I didn't want to keep our laptop together, I would have aimed for a harder surface* lol Just joking with all the fun stuff H told me...

[It-is-what-it-is.]

I wrote a spectacular response in a moment of inspiration today, but lost it all...I am not as inspired but I do have a theory about FOG I would like to share...

 

The OMOWAPWS are all subject to the FOG... I kinda hate this term, I will explain why later.*

 

FOG = behavior influenced by lust and attraction addiction. Lust and attraction chemicals are very powerful by design because they help to ensure the survival of the species.

 

So imagine if you will... Mr. Stinky Caveman meets Ms. Cavewoman...why on earth would she have sex with him, voluntarily? No emotional connection, he stinks, bad teeth...ok so you get the point. Chemical attraction causes us to think, he is so handsome without all those teeth! Simple Biological response.

 

So the lust filled brain causes the OMOWAPWS to do and say things that may not follow normal logic or patterns of behavior. FOG.

 

Justifying actions that get them the addiction hit. FOG. This is why I think that OMOWAPWS who chose to have lots of affairs, or who do it with full acceptance of the consequence are usually VERY FOGGY.

 

There are other biological reactions too. Getting left, or abandoned causes a chemical reaction too. A similar one that that drives many BS to do the begging they often regret later on. It causes them to beg and plead and excuse inexcusable behavior. But it is not just the BS that does this. The OMOWAPWS

Are also subject to this when the affair breaks up. Hence the desperation, withdrawal, fence sitting etc.

 

The BS can cause this reaction in WS by kicking them to the curb on DDay, and moving swiftly towards divorce. BECAUSE THEY ARE NOW THE REJECTOR.

 

Think of the advice you get for not running from wild animals, because they will chase YOU. Same concept.

 

Of course we have free will. The attraction could have been ignored. The abandonment could be acknowledged and not acted upon. (NC). The begging pleading approach occasionally, dispite it's clear disadvantage, works about as well as the lottery... Free will.

 

I know that this will probably irritate people who think they could never have been at the mercy of biology, but it's a fact of life...and frankly...I get mad when people think LOVE is those darn chemicals. And they try to recreat over and over those feelings because that is LOVE to them. They do that with flirting, affairs, secrets, lied, creating common enemy etc.

 

LOVE is what's left after the chemicals are gone.

 

So to the person who said that its in the best interest of the reconciling couple to rewrite affair history... I will go one further...it is the nature of humans to see the actions while under the influence of biology differently in the light of day...everyone-- the OMOWAPWS AND the BS.

 

 

*FOG like I mentioned yesterday somewhere, feels like putting a pretty picture on something ugly. It should have a more appropriate name.

(Jumps off soapbox)

[compulsivedancer]

*FOG like I mentioned yesterday somewhere, feels like putting a pretty picture on something ugly. It should have a more appropriate name.

(Jumps off soapbox)

 

Yes, but when you're caught in it, it obscures everything and it's very very difficult to see out the other side, even if you're about to run head first into some very dangerous, even life-threatening stuff.

 

Plus it often thins without clearing altogether right away. And it can build slowly or roll in quickly. I think it's a nice metaphor.

[ladydesigner]

LOVE is what's left after the chemicals are gone.

 

So to the person who said that its in the best interest of the reconciling couple to rewrite affair history... I will go one further...it is the nature of humans to see the actions while under the influence of biology differently in the light of day...everyone-- the OMOWAPWS AND the BS.

 

 

*FOG like I mentioned yesterday somewhere, feels like putting a pretty picture on something ugly. It should have a more appropriate name.

(Jumps off soapbox)

 

What a great post! In fact once I exposed my WH's A and he had to discuss sexual details, it really made his A look quite pathetic. It was a relationship, but not much of a relationship. My WH's A with MOW lasted about 3 months and he never took her on a date and always spent the night at home. Even if it was a great love, he chose to come home and work on the M and we are reconnecting. WH is ashamed of his A now and instead of rewriting any history, we plan on making new history.

 

*FOG= I know what I'm doing is wrong, but I want to so I will. That's my version anyway

[road]

FOG = behavior influenced by lust and attraction addiction. Lust and attraction chemicals are very powerful by design because they help to ensure the survival of the species.

 

 

Fog has nothing to do with how horny, lust, or hot WS is for AP.

 

Fog as a term that WS's have applied to their thought process. It is how they will say and believe anything to justify their affair. It is the re writing of the marital history blaming the BS for the bad state of the marriage and that is how the WS was driven into the arms of the AP.

 

How the WS refuses to admit that the AP is using them when everyone else can clearly see that.

 

How the WS will defend their AP as a good honest person while ignoring all the lying and cheating their AP did to carry on the affair.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Fog has nothing to do with how horny, lust, or hot WS is for AP.

 

Fog as a term that WS's have applied to their thought process. It is how they will say and believe anything to justify their affair. It is the re writing of the marital history blaming the BS for the bad state of the marriage and that is how the WS was driven into the arms of the AP.

 

How the WS refuses to admit that the AP is using them when everyone else can clearly see that.

 

How the WS will defend their AP as a good honest person while ignoring all the lying and cheating their AP did to carry on the affair.

 

Road, respectfully, I don't believe we disagree.

 

The FOG is behavior. Behavior driven by biological feel good chemicals that are in many cases as addictive as anything else. It is nonsensical behavior. It is the illustration is the justification affair partners use to explain how they aren't a bad person. This is true for OMOWAPWS.

 

Likewise the abandonment chemicals, drive justification, rewriting affair history for those in the affair that feel abandoned. Which because its such a cluster, could be any of them.

 

One is chemotherapy and one is radiation, same but different. And while its chemicals that trigger it, we are human beings with free will, we are not animals driven by just "instinct" (or chemicals,or biology)

 

My theory. It's ok if you disagree, but I agree with what you said, the only difference is that the OMOWAPWS also suffer...yep it's absolutely suffering of their own making, no question. But it is the only answer I can come up with that explains how smart caring people do something so destructive.

 

And while I have said it...several times...i am anti affair for any reason...but I need to work out how people I love and care about, respect and admire could do something that is very black and white, in my head.

[ComingInHot]

In trying to Conclude this topic with the different perspectives (all very good*), and in the hopes that somewhere along the line a BS (or WS/AP) read this thread, I will try to surmize...:

 

When the BS find out about the A, either past OR present, the number One thing he/she needs to think about is Herself and welfare of those directly in her care Emotionally First.

 

The Best response in "handling" this "Affair Fog" is with immediate and direct consequences.

Those consequences can be for the WS (and this is dictated by the way in which the BS KNOWS their spouse):

Kick WS out of the home immediately, no conversation except, "Go. Figure it out w/out me)

BS Leaves w/or w/out kids (if any) and simply say, "good luck, my attorney will be contacting you")

If WS has the Initial reaction to plead insanity or "A Fog" or for 2nd chance, demand then implement what BS needs to R ie; IC, MC, NC etc... and have a checks list in place to measure progress, keeping attorney on speed dial.

 

Dealing w/the OW/OM:

First determine if you Need to... Not out of revenge but maybe for detail, the AP perspective (this can be dangerous though...) Or to share the hurt & anger the AP's involvement directly had or is having.

If AP is still in the "fog" & not heading WS's NC request/demand, escalate the involvement by way of Cease & desist letter instigated and signed by WS.

For BS peace of mind only, verify through whatever means that OW/OM is complying with NC. (never check out of morbid curiosity as it has been determined that social media can be used to "mislead")

Lastly, if OW/OM are violating the formal NC request, escalate to an RO (hopefully things don't get this far and before this point any A fog left has lifted)*

 

I think I've covered it with the help of everyone here. I know it doesn't make the pain of the betrayal any easier, but, for me, knowing there is something I Can Do for Me & my own sanity, helps greatly.

 

If I missed something, Please add on!

And a Huge THANKS to all who participated as well as as Swift healing*

CIH

[Snowflower]

Yes, but when you're caught in it, it obscures everything and it's very very difficult to see out the other side, even if you're about to run head first into some very dangerous, even life-threatening stuff.

 

Plus it often thins without clearing altogether right away. And it can build slowly or roll in quickly. I think it's a nice metaphor.

 

Well said, the term "fog" is definitely an apt metaphor.

 

But if someone doesn't like the word "fog, pick another one: love-struck, crazy, infatuated, addicted, etc.

 

"Fog" is just one term that can be used for affair-type thinking. It doesn't excuse anything but it explains a lot. I never used the term "fog" really, I just said my H went off the deep end one day. So yeah, the fog rolled in quickly for him.

 

Great post, compulsive! I like your posts, hope you will stick around!

[BetrayedH]

Fog is actually love' date=' people in love. Call it another name if you want but whatever you call it, it is love.[/quote']

 

What a pant load. If the fog is love then I suppose a slap in the face is true love.

 

CIH, I agree with the previous poster(s) that recommended immediately filing for D and seeing what happens. If the fog clears, R has a chance. If it doesn't, at least your filing fee is out of the way. Personally, I don't care for the term 'consequences.' It's too broad and could include things like widespread exposure. I don't typically recommend it because (while it may be effective), it comes off as a punishment. I don't recommend punishing your spouse if you have hopes of reconciling your marriage. There's a difference between natural consequences and artificially-imposed ones.

[Owl]

Fog has nothing to do with how horny, lust, or hot WS is for AP.

 

Fog as a term that WS's have applied to their thought process. It is how they will say and believe anything to justify their affair. It is the re writing of the marital history blaming the BS for the bad state of the marriage and that is how the WS was driven into the arms of the AP.

 

How the WS refuses to admit that the AP is using them when everyone else can clearly see that.

 

How the WS will defend their AP as a good honest person while ignoring all the lying and cheating their AP did to carry on the affair.

 

It's not just a label applied by the WS to the WS.

 

It's an apt description even from my BS point of view. My wife displayed exactly this kind of foggy (irrational) thinking during and shortly after her EA.

 

Over time, with effort, she resumed an ability to think rationally and see things as the rest of the world did, as opposed to how she viewed them through the haze of that 'fog'.